Your Wedding, My Invitation: A Curious Conundrum

Planning a wedding can be a stressful experience, and one of the most challenging aspects is deciding on the guest list. It can be difficult to know who to invite, and it's not uncommon for people to put pressure on the happy couple by saying, You better invite me to your wedding. While it may be tempting to give in to these demands, it's important to remember that your wedding day is about celebrating your love with the people who are most important to you. If someone feels entitled to an invitation, it might be a sign that they don't need to be there. Ultimately, the decision of who to invite is a personal one, and it's crucial to surround yourself with people who will make your day special and memorable.

Inviting friends you've lost touch with

Deciding whether to invite friends you've lost touch with to your wedding can be a tricky situation. Here are some things to consider and ways to approach this dilemma:

Be Mindful of Your Reasons

It's essential to reflect on why you're hesitant to invite certain friends. Are they distant friends you haven't spoken to in years? Have you drifted apart and are not as close anymore? Or is there a specific reason, such as their behaviour or a falling out? Being honest with yourself about the reasons will help you navigate the situation effectively.

Communicate Openly

If you're unsure whether to invite certain friends, open and honest communication is key. Reach out to them and initiate a conversation. Express your happiness at hearing from them and your excitement about your wedding. Be transparent about your guest list constraints, whether it's budget, venue capacity, or the desire for an intimate celebration. You can say something like, "I'm so glad we reconnected! Our wedding is going to be a small, intimate affair with immediate family and close friends. We're keeping the guest list limited due to budget and space constraints." This way, they know you're happy to reconnect but also understand your limitations.

Suggest Alternative Ways to Celebrate

While you may not be able to include everyone at your wedding, it doesn't mean you can't celebrate with them in other ways. Suggest catching up over coffee, dinner, or drinks after the wedding. This gesture shows that you value their friendship and want to spend time with them, even if they can't be part of the wedding festivities.

Be Compassionate but Firm

If your friends express disappointment or hurt feelings about not being invited, listen to their feelings and validate their emotions. You can say, "I understand your feelings, and I value our friendship. It was a difficult decision, but due to our circumstances, we had to limit the guest list." Be compassionate, but also remain firm in your decision. It's your special day, and you should surround yourself with people who support and understand your choices.

Manage Expectations

When reconnecting with friends, be mindful of their expectations. If they start asking about your wedding plans, be transparent about your intentions. Let them know that you're happy to reconnect, but you're keeping the wedding guest list limited to immediate family and close friends. This way, they won't be caught off guard if they don't receive an invitation, and it may soften the blow of not being invited.

Consider Post-Wedding Celebrations

If there are several friends you couldn't include, consider hosting a post-wedding celebration, such as a backyard potluck or a cocktail party. This way, you can invite those friends and have a more intimate gathering to celebrate with them. It's also an opportunity to smooth over any hard feelings and strengthen your friendships.

Budget and venue considerations

The venue and catering typically take up the largest chunk of the budget, with 37% and 29% respectively. It is important to consider the location and whether it is a popular wedding destination, as well as the time of year, as peak season will be more expensive. The type of venue also makes a big difference, with grand ballrooms costing more than a city park, for example.

When it comes to the guest list, the more people you invite, the higher the costs, as there is a per-head cost for food and liquor. So, a smaller wedding can help keep costs down, not just on catering, but also on decor, stationery, favors, and rentals.

The reception venue, catering, and rentals typically make up 45% of the budget. This includes the venue, tables, chairs, linens, stemware, glassware, flatware, china, and tenting. Catering costs cover food and staff for both the reception and cocktail hour. Bartending services, including alcohol and custom cocktails, are usually an additional 8% of the budget.

The wedding planner or coordinator is another important consideration, taking up 5-15% of the budget. Many venues require at least a day-of coordinator, and a wedding planner can help save money by leveraging their relationships with vendors.

Photography and videography are must-haves for most couples and typically account for 12% of the budget. This includes the photographer, a second shooter, travel costs, and an engagement photoshoot. Videography costs cover similar expenses, as well as different cuts of the wedding video.

Entertainment, including music, typically makes up 10% of the budget. This can include a band, DJ, cocktail hour musicians, and a photobooth.

With so many elements to consider, it is important to create a detailed budget and track all expenses. A wedding budget calculator or spreadsheet can be useful for this purpose. It is also a good idea to build in some wiggle room, with a buffer of around 5-15% for unexpected expenses.

Whether to invite your boss

When it comes to whether or not to invite your boss to your wedding, there are a few things to consider. Firstly, it's important to remember that your wedding is your special day, and you should invite only those people who are close to you and who you truly want to share this day with. If your boss falls into this category and you have a friendly relationship outside of work, then by all means, extend an invitation. However, if your relationship is purely professional, you are not obligated to invite them.

It's natural to want to maintain a good relationship with your boss, and you may feel pressure to invite them to your wedding, especially if you spend a lot of time together at work or if they have expressed an interest in attending. However, it's important to remember that your wedding is a personal event, and it's perfectly acceptable to keep your professional and personal lives separate. If you don't feel comfortable inviting your boss, don't feel pressured to do so.

Another thing to consider is the size of your wedding. If you are planning an intimate gathering with only close friends and family, it may be awkward to invite your boss, especially if they are the only colleague attending. In this case, it may be best to politely decline their attendance. However, if you are having a larger wedding with many colleagues in attendance, it may be more appropriate to extend an invitation to your boss.

Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to invite your boss to your wedding is a personal one. If you feel that your boss is someone you want to share your special day with and you have a good relationship, then go ahead and invite them. However, if you don't feel comfortable or if your relationship is purely professional, don't feel obligated to do so. Remember, your wedding day is about celebrating your love with the people who matter most to you.

Plus-ones for single guests

Deciding on plus-ones for single guests can be a tricky part of wedding planning. Here are some tips to help you navigate this process:

Who Gets a Plus-One?

Firstly, it's important to remember that there isn't an unlimited number of plus-ones you can offer. Your budget and venue capacity will likely be the biggest constraints. With that in mind, it's generally advised to offer plus-ones to guests who are married, engaged, or cohabiting with a partner. This is considered a "package deal" and is a common courtesy, even if you haven't met their spouse or partner.

Wedding Party Members

It is also customary to offer plus-ones to all members of your wedding party. This is a way to show your appreciation for their time, effort, and support throughout the wedding planning process.

Outlier Guests

Consider offering plus-ones to guests who won't know many other attendees, especially those travelling from out of town. This will ensure they feel more comfortable and less lonely at your wedding.

Long-Term Relationships

If you have friends or family in serious, long-term relationships, it's polite to offer them a plus-one, especially if you don't know their partner well.

Be Consistent

Consistency is key when offering plus-ones. If you offer a plus-one to one person in a certain category (e.g., a member of the wedding party or a cousin), you should offer it to everyone in that category to avoid any hint of favouritism.

Be Mindful of Dynamics and Seating

When deciding on plus-ones, consider the social dynamics and seating arrangements. Avoid seating single guests between couples, as this can be awkward. Instead, place them between outgoing and friendly couples or in an environment that will encourage a communal feel and organic interactions.

Prepare for Requests

Be prepared for guests who do not receive a plus-one to reach out and ask for one. Inquire about their relationship status, as their situation may have changed since you sent out the invitations. If you truly cannot accommodate their request, respond kindly and personally, rather than via email. You could say something like, "We would love for you to bring a guest, but this is a very intimate affair."

Invitation Wording

When addressing invitations to single guests with a plus-one, you have a couple of options. You can either address it to the primary guest's name and "invited guest," or address it to the primary guest only and include a plus-one note inside with the RSVP card. This ensures they have the option to bring someone without making any assumptions about who that might be.

Remember, there are no hard and fast rules, and every wedding is unique. Use your discretion and try to accommodate your guests' needs while also staying within your budget and vision for the day.

Inviting children

Deciding whether or not to invite children to your wedding is a tricky question, and one that tends to divide opinion. While some people think that children add a certain magic to the atmosphere, others feel that kids can be a distraction and a source of noise and disruption. It's your wedding, so it's your choice, but here are some things to consider when making your decision.

Firstly, it's important to make your decision early on, before you start sending out invitations. If you're going to ban children altogether, be aware that this may upset some guests, especially close family members with little ones. It can also be challenging for guests with children to make alternative arrangements, especially if your wedding is at a destination that is far from home.

If you're worried about offending people, you could consider a compromise. For example, you could invite children from immediate families only, or make exceptions for certain guests with children. That way, you can avoid upsetting close relatives without having too many children in attendance.

If you do decide to invite children, there are several things you can do to make the day more enjoyable for your youngest guests. Firstly, consider providing a separate children's menu with simple, child-friendly food options. You could also provide entertainment for children, such as a children's entertainer, or toys, puzzles, and colouring sheets. Another option is to set up a separate kids' room with babysitters, dinner service, and movies, giving parents the option to leave their children in a supervised space for a while.

If you decide not to invite children, be direct and honest in your communication with guests. Address your wedding invitations to adults only, and include an adults-only announcement on your wedding website. It's also a good idea to give guests with young children plenty of warning, so they have time to organise childcare.

Remember, the most important thing is to make a decision that you and your partner are comfortable with. Don't feel pressured to invite children if you don't want to, but also don't be afraid to include them if you think they will add to your special day.

Frequently asked questions