Who Gets A Wedding Invite: Etiquette Guide

Creating a wedding guest list can be one of the most challenging parts of wedding planning. From family politics to budget constraints, there are many factors to consider when deciding who to invite to your big day. So, how do you ensure you don't offend anyone while still keeping within your desired guest count?

Firstly, it's important to remember that this is your wedding, and you should invite the people you want to celebrate with. Start by listing everyone you'd consider inviting, from immediate family and close friends to colleagues and distant relatives. Then, separate out your top-tier guests – the people you simply couldn't get married without. These guests are non-negotiable, and the rest can be invited if your budget and venue allow.

When it comes to extended family, it's generally considered good etiquette to treat members of different families equally. So, if you invite one aunt, you should invite all aunts. The same goes for first cousins – if you invite one, you'll probably have to invite them all.

Another factor to consider is whether you'll allow plus-ones. It's generally considered standard etiquette to include spouses, fiancés, and live-in partners on your guest list. For other types of relationships, you can decide on a case-by-case basis or set a clear criterion, such as only allowing plus-ones for those in long-term relationships.

If your parents are contributing financially to the wedding, it's customary to give them a say in the guest list. You can reserve a portion of the guest list for them to allocate or give them a set number of seats to work with.

Finally, remember that you don't have to invite everyone you feel obligated to. If you haven't spoken to someone in a year, even if they are family, it's probably safe to leave them off the list. And don't feel pressured to invite colleagues or old friends just because you feel guilty – it's your day, and you should be surrounded by people who love and support you.

RSVPs and plus-ones

RSVPs are an essential part of wedding planning and etiquette. It is important to respond to a wedding invitation, even if you can't attend, and to do so by the deadline (or earlier). This helps the couple plan and get an accurate headcount for seating and meals. If you are worried about missing the RSVP date, set a reminder ahead of time. It is also important to note that you should only bring the guests listed on your invitation. The couple has carefully curated the guest list, and it may be based on budget or venue capacity.

When it comes to plus-ones, there are a few guidelines to consider. Firstly, married, engaged, and cohabitating guests should typically be offered a plus-one. Wedding party members are also usually given a plus-one. For other guests, it is common to set a blanket rule, such as "only immediate family members can bring a date", and stick to it. This helps to avoid any awkward situations or pressure on the couple to accommodate requests.

If you are inviting guests with plus-ones, it is important to include their names on the invitation or specify "and guest". This helps the invited guests plan and ensures they know whether they can bring a companion. It is also considerate to include "and guest" on save-the-date envelopes, especially if guests need to plan ahead for childcare or travel arrangements.

In terms of timing, it is recommended to set the RSVP date at least two to four weeks before the wedding date. This allows enough time to finalise the headcount for the caterer and seating chart. If some guests have not responded by the deadline, it is appropriate to give them a quick call or send a reminder.

When it comes to children, it is generally considered acceptable to have an adults-only wedding. This can be indicated by not writing children's names on the invitation envelope. However, it is important to handle this sensitively and communicate it clearly to guests.

Overall, when it comes to RSVPs and plus-ones, timely responses, clear communication, and consideration for the couple's wishes are key.

Dress code

When it comes to dress codes for weddings, there are a few different levels of formality to be aware of, from the most formal to the most casual. Here is a breakdown of each:

White-Tie/Full Dress

White-tie weddings are the most formal type of wedding and are often reserved for very elegant events such as state dinners and royal banquets. For this type of wedding, men should wear a long, dark tuxedo tailcoat with fabric extensions that reach the back of the knee, paired with a white piqué button-down shirt, a white vest, and a bow tie. Pants should match the colour and fabric of the jacket, and often include a satin or grosgrain stripe along the outer seams. Women should wear a formal, floor-length evening gown with jewellery, heels, and elegant gloves.

Black-Tie

Black-tie weddings are the next most formal type of wedding and usually take place in the evening. They require formal outfits, with men typically wearing tuxedos with black bow ties and women wearing formal floor-length gowns. It's important to note that black-tie weddings have strict dress codes, with little room for interpretation. For men, this means a tuxedo is required, not a black suit or suit separates. Women can add accessories such as cufflinks and refined jewellery like pearls or diamonds to their outfits.

Black-Tie-Optional

Black-tie-optional weddings give guests the option to wear black-tie attire or something slightly less formal. Men can wear a tuxedo or a dark suit with dress pants and loafers, while women can wear a floor-length evening gown or a knee-length or midi cocktail dress. The time of day can also be a helpful indicator for this dress code. Evening weddings indicate a more formal style, while afternoon weddings are less formal.

Formal/Black-Tie-Optional

Formal weddings are slightly less formal than black-tie events, with fewer specifications for attire. Women can wear a nice cocktail dress, and men do not need to wear tuxedos. A formal suit and tie or a traditional suit are appropriate for men, while women can wear an elegant dress or a nice pantsuit. If you're unsure, it's always safer to err on the side of being overdressed.

Cocktail Attire

Cocktail attire gives guests more flexibility with hemlines, colours, and patterns. Women can wear formal dresses with shorter hemlines, accented with jewellery or nicer shoes. Men can wear a suit and tie with a crisp black or white shirt and dress pants. A short formal dress or an elegant jumpsuit with jewellery is also appropriate for women.

Semi-Formal/Lounge Suit

Semi-formal weddings are a step down in formality from black-tie weddings and are suitable for daytime weddings. The wedding party will be in formal wedding attire, but it's optional for guests. Men should wear a classic suit or tux with a tie, while women should wear floor-length dresses or evening pantsuits. A sports jacket, suit jacket, or smart blazer with chinos and a tie is also acceptable for men.

Dressy Casual/Smart Casual

Dressy casual weddings are similar to business casual attire. The time of day will dictate the level of formality, with darker, more formal hues for evening weddings and light colours and fabrics for daytime weddings. Men can wear dark denim, chinos, or suit pants with a neat shirt, while women can wear a skirt or smart trousers.

Casual

Casual weddings are the most relaxed type of wedding, but it's important to remember that it's still a formal event. Jeans, t-shirts, tank tops, flip-flops, and sneakers are usually not appropriate unless specifically approved by the couple. Men can wear khakis and a collared shirt, while women can opt for a sundress, a nice skirt and blouse, or a jumpsuit.

Timing and location

The timing and location of your wedding are key details to include in your invitations. Traditionally, the date and time are spelled out in full, with the day of the week and month capitalised, and the year in lowercase. For example, "Saturday, the fifteenth of September, two thousand and twenty-one, at half after four in the afternoon". The time of day is also usually spelled out, e.g. "four o'clock" or "half after four o'clock".

Evening weddings begin at 5 pm, while the afternoon runs from noon to 4 pm. It's also important to be clear about the year, and not include an "and" when spelling out the year.

The location of the ceremony and reception should also be included. The venue name and city should be listed, with the state spelled out for formal weddings. The street address is usually not included, unless the venue is a private residence. Zip codes are also not usually necessary.

If the reception is at the same location, you can simply write "reception to follow". If it's at a different venue, include the location beneath the ceremony details, or on a separate reception card. If there are multiple events over a wedding weekend, it's a good idea to include separate itinerary cards with dates, times and locations for each event. These can be sent out with the invitations or included in welcome bags.

It's also important to give your guests enough notice. Invitations are usually sent out six to eight weeks before the wedding, with save-the-date cards sent out six to eight months before. This is especially important for destination weddings.

Inviting children

It is perfectly acceptable to have a child-free wedding. However, if you do want to invite children, it is important to be as fair and equitable as possible. If you invite one of your first cousins, you should invite them all, and the same goes for your partner's first cousins.

If you don't want to invite children, the proper way to indicate this is to simply not write their names on the envelope. It is not considered gracious to explicitly state that some people are not invited on your wedding stationery. You can mention this in any extra materials you send out, such as save-the-date cards or hotel information. You could also call the parents on the list before sending out the invitations to inform them that children will not be included.

If you do choose to invite children, it is important to set the rules in advance. Decide whether you want children at your wedding and, if so, in what capacity. Make a rule and stick to it. For example, you could include only children in the wedding party or only children over a certain age.

It is also worth noting that, at certain venues, young children can be a liability. Think art museums, sculpture gardens, and cliffside chapels. There are some places that are just not child-friendly.

If you are inviting children, it is a good idea to provide kid-friendly food, activities, and mocktails.

Budget and venue

Consider Your Budget

The number of people you can invite will largely depend on your budget. Wedding costs are typically calculated on a per-person basis, so the more guests you invite, the higher the cost. According to the WeddingWire Newlywed Report, the average couple spends $215 per guest. Therefore, it is essential to determine your total wedding budget and use that number to create a target guest count. This will help you stay within your financial means and avoid overspending.

Choose a Venue That Fits Your Guest List

When selecting a venue, consider the capacity of the space. The venue should be able to comfortably accommodate your guest list. Use online resources, such as WeddingWire, to filter venues by the number of guests they can hold. If you have a particular venue in mind, you may need to adjust your guest list to fit the venue's capacity. Keep in mind that if you are having your wedding ceremony and reception in separate spaces, you will need to factor in the capacities of both locations.

Be Mindful of Plus-Ones

When creating your guest list, consider whether you will allow plus-ones. Guests who are married, engaged, or living with a significant other should typically be invited with a plus-one. For other guests, you may need to be more selective, especially if you are trying to keep your guest list under a certain number. You can set parameters, such as only allowing plus-ones for guests who have been in a serious or long-term relationship. Be consistent in your approach to avoid any confusion or hurt feelings.

Manage Your Guest List

As you receive RSVPs, you may find that some guests are unable to attend, while others may add unauthorised plus-ones. In such cases, it is important to politely but firmly manage these situations. Contact guests who have added unauthorised plus-ones and explain that your guest list is restricted. For guests who cannot attend, you may consider inviting people from a "B-list" if there is still space available and it is done in a timely manner.

Be Flexible and Compromise

Remember that creating a guest list can involve compromise, especially if your parents or in-laws are contributing financially to the wedding. Be open to their input and find a balance that works for everyone. If their additional guest requests exceed your budget or venue capacity, discuss alternative options, such as contributing financially to accommodate more guests or making tough decisions to cut down the list.

Frequently asked questions