Estranged Mother, Wedding Blues: To Invite Or Not?

Planning a wedding can be stressful, and one of the most stressful parts is creating the guest list. Family dynamics are one of the most stress-inducing parts of wedding planning for many couples. The decision to invite an estranged family member is not one to be taken lightly. As your wedding day is for you, think long and hard about who you want to include as part of your inner circle. Factors to consider might be why this person is estranged from you—is it their behavior? The way they treat you? Their relationship with other family members? If there is any chance that their presence may cause drama or become the center of attention, consider not extending the invitation.

If you've made the decision not to invite an estranged family member to your wedding, the best way to not invite a toxic family member is simply to not send an invitation. If they are estranged, an invite shouldn't be expected—and if they reach out asking for your reasoning, be straightforward and honest with your explanation.

Should I invite my estranged mother to my wedding?

It is not uncommon for couples to face the challenge of deciding whether or not to invite estranged family members to their wedding. This can be a complex and emotionally charged decision, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer. Here are some factors to consider when making this decision:

• The reason for the estrangement: Reflect on the reasons why you and your mother became estranged. If the estrangement is due to issues such as addiction, abuse, or toxic behaviour, it may be best to exclude her from the wedding.
• The potential for drama: Consider whether your mother's presence at the wedding could create a tense or uncomfortable environment for you, your partner, or other guests. If there is a risk of her causing a scene or disrupting the festivities, it may be wise to not invite her.
• The impact on your well-being: Think about how her presence (or absence) will affect your emotional state on your wedding day. If you feel that her presence will cause you stress, anxiety, or unhappiness, it may be best to not invite her.
• The possibility of reconciliation: Consider whether you wish to extend an olive branch and open the door for reconciliation. If you are open to repairing your relationship with your mother, inviting her to the wedding could be a first step. However, if you are certain that reconciliation is not an option, then not inviting her may be the best choice.
• Communication with your mother: Evaluate the current state of communication between you and your mother. If you are not on speaking terms or prefer not to discuss the wedding with her, it may be challenging to extend an invitation.
• The support of your partner and other loved ones: Discuss your feelings and concerns with your partner and close loved ones. Their input and support can help you make a decision that aligns with your well-being and the vision for your wedding day.
• Honesty and compassion: Regardless of your decision, approach the situation with honesty and compassion. If you choose not to invite your mother, be straightforward and honest in explaining your reasoning if she asks. Remember that family estrangement is painful for everyone involved, and a sliver of compassion can go a long way.

What if my mother causes drama at my wedding?

If your mother causes drama at your wedding, you may feel a range of emotions, from anger and resentment to sadness and disappointment. It is important to remember that you cannot control your mother's behaviour, but you can control your reaction to it. If your mother causes drama, you could try to minimise the impact on your day by asking a trusted friend or family member to act as a buffer between you and your mother, or even ask them to escort your mother out of the venue if necessary. If you feel comfortable doing so, you could also try to speak to your mother directly and explain how her behaviour is affecting you. It may also help to focus on the positive aspects of your wedding day and the people who were there to support you.

How do I tell my mother she's not invited?

Deciding not to invite your mother to your wedding is a difficult decision, and you may be met with judgement from others. However, if you feel that your mother's presence will cause you stress, it is perfectly valid to exclude her from your wedding.

If you feel that you need to explain your decision to your mother, be sure to own your reaction and hold yourself accountable. You could say something like:

> "I'm not comfortable having you attend our wedding. I'm sorry, but my decision has been made."

> "I understand this will probably be upsetting, but I've made the difficult decision not to invite you to our wedding. I'm just not comfortable with you being there. I'm sorry."

> "It's hard for me to talk about the reasons behind the decision, because they're emotional and painful. At this point, my decision has been made and it is final. I'm sorry. I'm done talking about this."

If your mother tries to debate your decision, give her a warning that it's not something you want to discuss. If she doesn't respect that, politely end the conversation.

What if my mother doesn't care about my wedding?

It is completely understandable that you would want your mother to be excited about your wedding. However, if she doesn't care about your wedding, it is important to remember that you cannot force her to care. Here are some tips to help you deal with the situation:

• Focus on the people who do care about your wedding: Shift your focus from your mother to the people who are excited and happy for you. Lean on your support system, which may include your partner, in-laws, siblings, friends, etc.
• Do not let your mother's lack of interest ruin your wedding: Your wedding is a once-in-a-lifetime event, and you should not let anyone take that excitement away from you. It is okay to be sad about your mother's behaviour, but do not let it consume you.
• Consider having a heart-to-heart conversation with your mother: If you feel comfortable, try talking to your mother about how her behaviour is affecting you. It may be helpful to write down your thoughts beforehand so that you can clearly express your feelings. However, if you do not feel safe or comfortable having this conversation, that is okay too.
• Set boundaries: If your mother's behaviour is consistently hurtful, it may be necessary to set boundaries to protect your mental health. This could include limiting contact or taking a break from your relationship with her.
• Seek support: If you are struggling to cope with your mother's behaviour, consider seeking support from a therapist or counsellor. They can help you process your feelings and develop strategies to deal with the situation.
• Remember that you are not alone: Many people have difficult relationships with their mothers, and it is important to know that you are not alone. Reach out to trusted friends or family members who can offer support and understanding.

What if my mother tries to guilt me into inviting her?

If your mother tries to guilt you into inviting her, it's important to remember that this is your wedding and you should only invite people who you want to be there. If you don't want your mother there, you don't have to invite her. You can explain to her that you don't feel comfortable having her there and that you don't want to pretend that you have a better relationship than you do. You can also explain that you don't want her to act like "mother of the year" for just one day. If you're worried about how she'll be listed in the programs, whether she'll walk in the processional, or whether she'll get a corsage, you can simply choose not to include her in these aspects of the wedding. Ultimately, it's your decision whether or not to invite your mother, and you shouldn't feel pressured into doing something you're not comfortable with.

Frequently asked questions