Wedding Guest List: Who To Inform And When

Planning a wedding is exciting, but it can also be stressful, especially when it comes to creating the guest list. It's not always feasible to invite everyone, and sometimes, it's necessary to have tricky conversations about who won't be invited. While these conversations may be uncomfortable, there are ways to approach them politely and tactfully. Being honest and gentle is key, and it's important to consider the other person's feelings, especially if they're close to you. It's also a good idea to be mindful of their relationship with the couple and their family dynamics. Ultimately, it's the couple's decision, but being considerate in the delivery can go a long way in maintaining relationships.

Budget restrictions

Be Proactive

The longer you leave it, the harder it gets. As soon as you start planning your guest list, reach out to those you won't be able to invite and don't beat around the bush. The best approach is to be direct and polite, and do it in person or over the phone. Avoid text messages, emails, or social media, as these can come across as rude or uncaring.

Emphasize Budget Constraints

Explain that you're on a tight budget and can only afford to invite a limited number of guests. You can say something like:

• "We're trying to save for a house as well as pay for our wedding, so we're keeping it small."
• "As our family is paying for a significant portion of our wedding, we're trying to keep numbers as small as possible."
• "Thank you so much for your well-wishes—they mean the world to us. We're sticking to a small guest list due to budget constraints, so we hope you'll understand."
• "We're paying for the wedding ourselves, so unfortunately, we can't invite everyone."

Offer Alternative Ways to Celebrate

Suggest alternative ways to celebrate with those who aren't invited, such as catching up over coffee, dinner, or drinks after the wedding. This shows that you still value your relationship with them and want to celebrate with them in some way.

Keep It Vague

If you don't know the person well, you can be less specific about the reasons for not inviting them. A simple "We'd love to celebrate with you, but unfortunately, we can't make it work" or "We've got a small guest list due to budget constraints" should suffice.

Be Firm but Gentle

If the person you're speaking to is insistent or tries to persuade you to invite them, stand your ground politely. You could say something like, "I'm so sorry, but due to budget limitations, we can't justify including everyone we'd like to."

Remember, most people will understand the financial constraints of planning a wedding, and it's your day to celebrate with your closest loved ones. Be tactful, gentle, and honest, and try to give people plenty of notice so they don't feel snubbed or inconvenienced.

Venue capacity

When it comes to planning a wedding, one of the most difficult jobs for the couple is deciding on the guest list. It is important to be tactful when informing friends and family that they are not invited. One of the most acceptable reasons for not inviting someone is venue capacity.

Most venues cannot cater to the number of people the couple would ideally like to invite. If your venue is small, it is a legitimate reason for having a tight guest list. You could explain that you would have loved to invite more people, but the space is limited, and your side of the guest list is already full. For example, you could say:

> "Unfortunately, our venue has really limited capacity so we've had to scale back our guest list."

> "We're so sorry, but we just don't have the space in our venue to accommodate plus ones/children."

> "The venue we fell in love with has a max capacity of [NUMBER], so we're really limited on who we can invite."

> "Our venue has a strict capacity limit, so our wedding guest list will only be immediate family and close friends."

> "Our dream wedding venue has limited space, which means our guest list must be limited as well."

> "Our venue isn't big enough."

If you are planning a destination wedding, it is generally considered safe to invite slightly over the venue capacity, as there will be a higher decline rate. However, it is still important to be mindful of the venue's capacity and not go too far over.

When it comes to plus ones, it is important to be consistent. If one person in the wedding party is offered a plus one, everyone in the wedding party should be offered the same.

Intimate wedding

Planning an intimate wedding can be tricky, especially when it comes to navigating your guest list. Here are some tips to help you inform people that they aren't invited without causing offence.

Be Open and Honest

It's best to be upfront about your intentions for an intimate wedding from the start. Let family and friends know early on that you plan to keep the wedding small and only include close friends and family. This can help to lessen any potential hurt feelings. Be clear about your rules, for example, if you decide not to invite children, stick to this rule to avoid causing offence.

Give a Reason

Explain your reasons for keeping the wedding intimate. Common reasons include budget constraints and limited venue capacity. For example, you could say:

> "Unfortunately, our venue has very limited capacity, so we've had to scale back our guest list."

Or:

> "We're trying to save for a house, so we're keeping the wedding as small as possible."

If you don't want to give a specific reason, a simple explanation such as:

> "We've chosen to have a very intimate wedding celebration with just close family and friends."

Is perfectly acceptable.

Be Diplomatic

While honesty is usually the best policy, sometimes a little diplomacy can help to soften the blow. Try to avoid blunt statements and be mindful of the other person's feelings. For example, you could say:

> "We'd love to have invited you, but unfortunately, our budget doesn't allow it."

Or:

> "We're keeping the numbers small, but we'd love to celebrate with you at a later date."

Alternative Ways to Celebrate

If you're worried about offending people, consider alternative ways to include them in the celebrations. For example, you could have an open ceremony followed by an intimate reception, or host a party after the wedding for those who couldn't attend.

Remember, it's your special day, so don't be afraid to make it intimate if that's what you want. Be tactful and considerate when informing people that they aren't invited, and try to give them plenty of notice.

No children

Deciding whether or not to invite children to your wedding is a tricky issue, and one that requires careful wording to ensure you don't cause offence. Here are some ideas for how to politely inform your guests that children are not invited:

Be Clear and Direct

It's important to be clear and direct about your wishes. Some guests may assume that if their children are not named on the invitation, they are still welcome to come. To avoid this, you could include a line on your RSVP card such as:

• "We have reserved ___ seats for you at the reception."
• "We politely request no children under the age of 18 at the reception."
• "Please join us for an adults-only reception at 6:00 pm."
• "This invitation is extended to adults only."

Address the Invitation Correctly

Traditionally, only those named on the invitation are official guests. Make sure you specifically name your intended guests on your paper or digital invitations. If using paper invitations, the outer envelope should feature the guest's mailing address, while the inner envelope includes the title and last name of each guest. If there is no inner envelope, be as clear as possible on the outer envelope.

Inform Guests as Soon as Possible

It's a good idea to inform guests that your wedding will be adults-only as soon as possible, to give them time to make childcare arrangements. You could include this information on your wedding website, or in the FAQ section of your save-the-date cards.

Be Consistent

It's important to be consistent with your no-children rule. The only exception could be children of immediate family members or those in the wedding party, but be sure to let other guests know this is the case.

Don't Be Upset if Parents Can't Attend

Remember that it's perfectly understandable if parents choose not to attend your wedding because they don't want to be away from their children, or they can't make the necessary childcare arrangements.

Be Prepared to Stand Your Ground

Even if you've made your wishes clear, be prepared to deal with some pushback. It's your wedding, and you and your partner are entitled to decide who is invited. Be sensitive when dealing with upset parents, but don't back down.

Consider Offering a Creche or Babysitter

This is not necessary, but it could be a nice gesture if your budget allows.

Avoid Saying...

• "We thought you would like the night off!" – this might come across as patronising.
• "To give you the opportunity to really let your hair down, we've decided not to invite children." – this implies that parents can't have fun if their children are present.

Distant relative

Planning a wedding can be stressful, especially when it comes to deciding who to invite. If you're worried about how to handle not inviting distant relatives, here are some tips to help you navigate this tricky situation:

Be Clear About Your Priorities:

Remember, your wedding day is about celebrating your love and commitment with the people you choose. It's essential to prioritise your desires and those of your partner. If having an intimate wedding with only close friends and family present is important to you, then stand by that decision. You don't have to invite distant relatives out of a sense of obligation.

Consider Your Budget and Venue Constraints:

If your wedding budget and venue capacity are limited, these can be valid reasons for keeping your guest list small. It's perfectly acceptable to explain to distant relatives that you are restricted by budget or venue size and, as a result, have to limit the number of guests. Most people will understand financial and logistical constraints.

Be Compassionate and Considerate:

While you don't have to invite everyone, it's important to be mindful of people's feelings. Some distant relatives may be hurt or upset by not receiving an invitation, especially if they had expected to be included. Try to be gentle and compassionate when explaining your decision, and remember that they may simply feel left out.

Handle Conversations Sensitively:

When communicating your decision to distant relatives, it's best to do so in person or over the phone. Avoid using text, email, or social media, as these can come across as impersonal and uncaring. Be honest and direct, but also gentle in your approach. You can express your desire to have them there but explain the limitations that prevented you from inviting them.

Offer Alternative Ways to Celebrate:

If you feel bad about not inviting certain distant relatives, consider alternative ways to include them in the celebration. For example, you could host a separate, more intimate gathering before or after the wedding, such as a backyard cookout or a cocktail party. Another option is to invite them to join virtually by setting up a live stream of the ceremony.

Remember, it's your wedding, and you can invite whoever you choose. Be compassionate towards distant relatives, but don't feel pressured to invite them out of obligation. Stand by your decisions and communicate them clearly and sensitively.

Frequently asked questions