Deborah Chan
Wedding vows are a couple's promises to each other, made in front of their loved ones. They are a cherished tradition, and an important part of the wedding ceremony. In the past, weddings were often rooted in patriarchal traditions, with brides expected to vow to obey their husbands. However, times have changed, and wedding customs have evolved to embrace equality, creativity, and same-sex and LGBTQ+ marriages. Couples today often opt for non-patriarchal, feminist wedding vows that reflect their shared values and commitment to equality. These vows are a powerful testament to mutual respect, limitless love, and a shared vision for the future.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Equality | I promise to laugh with you when times are good and endure with you when times are bad. I respect you as an individual, a partner, and an equal. |
| Individuality | I choose you to be no other than yourself, loving what I know of you and trusting what I do not yet know. |
| Choice | I choose you to share happiness with. I choose you to care for. I choose you to have a family with. I choose you to grow with. I choose you to love forever. |
| Respect | I promise to always care for you, connect with you, comfort you and celebrate with you. I will be by your side through whatever life may bring and cherish the time we have together. |
| No "obey" | I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. |
| No "giving away the bride" | I, [name], take you, [name], to be my husband/wife. |
| No "carrying the bride into the home" |
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What You'll Learn
Avoid gendered language and power dynamics
When writing non-patriarchal wedding vows, it is important to avoid gendered language and power dynamics. The use of gendered language in wedding vows can reinforce heteronormative assumptions and contribute to a power imbalance between the couple. Here are some ways to avoid this:
- Eliminate Gendered Pronouns: Instead of using "he" or "she," consider using gender-neutral pronouns such as "they" or "their." This approach can be especially useful when referring to both partners collectively, such as "We promise to support and care for each other equally."
- Avoid Gender Stereotypes: Steer clear of gender-specific roles and stereotypes that may imply a power dynamic. For example, instead of "I promise to cook and clean for you," consider "We will share the responsibilities of creating a loving and nurturing home together."
- Focus on Equality and Mutual Respect: Emphasize equality and mutual respect in your vows. For instance, "I respect you as an individual, a partner, and an equal." I promise to always treat you as my equal, valuing your opinions, dreams, and aspirations as I do my own."
- Opt for Gender-Neutral Language: Choose gender-neutral language when expressing love, commitment, and support. Instead of "I promise to be a loving wife and care for our family," try "I promise to be a loving and dedicated partner, supporting and caring for our family together."
- Customize Your Vows: Personalize your vows to reflect your unique relationship dynamics. Avoid falling into traditional gender roles and instead, highlight the specific ways in which you intend to support, encourage, and love each other as individuals.
Remember, the key is to ensure that your wedding vows reflect your values, your vision for your marriage, and your commitment to each other as equals. By avoiding gendered language and power dynamics, you can create modern, inclusive, and empowering wedding vows that truly represent your union.
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Focus on equality, inclusivity, and mutual respect
When it comes to wedding vows, the best advice is to stay true to yourself and your partner. Vows are an extension of the values you both hold dear and the promises you wish to instil in your marriage.
If you want to steer clear of patriarchal traditions, there are a few things to consider. Firstly, avoid any language that indicates a power dynamic or one partner being submissive to the other. This includes gendered language and terms like "obey", which imply a male hierarchy in the relationship.
Instead, focus on equality, inclusivity, and mutual respect. Here are some ideas for non-patriarchal wedding vows that emphasise these values:
- "I choose you to be no other than yourself, loving what I know of you and trusting what I have yet to discover. I respect you as an individual, a partner, and an equal. I promise to accept you as you are, and to cherish the qualities, quirks, and outlook on life that make you who you are."
- "I promise to always care for you, connect with you, comfort you, and celebrate with you. I will be by your side through life's challenges and joys, and I am excited to continue this adventure with you. I will be yours in plenty and in want, in sickness and in health, in triumph and in failure."
- "I take you as my partner, acknowledging your strengths and accepting your faults, as you do mine. Together, we can accomplish the life we both dream of. I promise to be faithful and honest with you; to respect, trust, help, and care for you; and to share my life with you."
- "I promise to love and cherish you, and to support and respect you as an equal. I will stand by your side through life's ups and downs, and together we will create a loving and inclusive home. I choose you as my partner in life, to share and celebrate all that is to come."
Remember, these are just examples, and you can make your own rules! Feel free to use these as a starting point and personalise them to reflect your unique relationship and the values you hold dear.
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Remove the word obey
The traditional wedding vow "to love, honor, and obey" has long been a staple of wedding ceremonies. However, in recent times, there has been a shift towards removing the word "obey" from wedding vows. This change stems from the understanding that the word "obey" implies a power dynamic and a submissive role for one partner, typically reinforcing a male hierarchy in heterosexual relationships.
The word "obey" in wedding vows is often associated with outdated traditions and a patriarchal past, where women were considered property and marriages were contracts between families. While some religious ceremonies still include this term, many couples today opt for more modern and egalitarian language in their vows.
By removing "obey," couples can create vows that reflect their values and beliefs about equality in marriage. They can choose to emphasize mutual respect, partnership, and individual agency instead. For example, couples may prefer vows that express a commitment to supporting and caring for each other through life's challenges and joys, such as "I will be by your side through whatever life may bring, and I cherish the time we have together."
Couples can also choose to focus on their shared vision for the future, such as "Together, I know we can accomplish the life we both dream of living." Such vows emphasize the idea of choosing each other as equals, rather than one person submitting to the other.
Additionally, some couples may prefer to write their own unique vows, incorporating elements of traditional vows that resonate with them while also expressing their individual personalities and the specific promises they want to make to each other.
In conclusion, removing the word "obey" from wedding vows is a way to create a ceremony that feels authentic and aligned with modern beliefs about equality and mutual respect in a marriage. Couples can work with their officiant to craft vows that capture the unique dynamics of their relationship and their shared vision for the future.
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Celebrate same-sex and LGBTQ+ marriage
Marriage has traditionally been a patriarchal affair, with many customs rooted in heteronormative and sexist ideals. However, times are changing, and so are wedding customs, with more and more couples embracing same-sex and LGBTQ+ marriage.
If you're looking to celebrate your same-sex or LGBTQ+ marriage with non-patriarchal wedding vows, here are some ideas and inspiration to craft your own unique ceremony:
Personalise Your Vows
Writing your own wedding vows is a beautiful way to celebrate your love and commitment. By personalising your vows, you can ensure that your ceremony reflects your unique personality and relationship. You can include anything you want in your vows, from heartfelt promises to inside jokes, capturing the essence of your bond.
For instance, you could begin with a sweet or funny line your partner hasn't heard before, expressing your love and commitment. Here's an example of vows from one couple:
> "I vow to be your biggest fan and your best friend, to learn together and to love together, to embark on every adventure together, and to celebrate with you as my wife. In the storybook of our lives, here is the chapter where I say to you, and we lived happily ever after."
Draw Inspiration from Various Sources
When crafting your vows, you can find inspiration in many places. Reading examples of wedding vows from other LGBTQ+ couples can spark ideas and help you find a style that suits you. Additionally, you can explore excerpts from your favourite books, authors, or philosophers to incorporate meaningful quotes or themes into your vows.
> "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
> "Love is not love / Which alters when it alteration finds, / Or bends with removal to remove / O no! It is an ever-fixed mark / That looks on tempests and is never shaken; / It is the star to every wand'ring bark, / Whose worth is unknown, although his height be taken."
> "What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through mountains."
Collaborate with Your Partner
Creating your vows together can be a wonderful way to ensure they complement each other and reflect your relationship's dynamics. Discuss the fundamentals, such as whether you want to recap your past, plan your future, or include lighthearted or serious promises. Remember, marriage is about teamwork, so approach this task as a team!
Avoid Clichés
While it's tempting to fall back on familiar love quotes, try to avoid clichés and ubiquitous phrases. Instead, focus on the unique characteristics of your relationship. Speak from the heart, and don't be afraid to bare your soul in front of your friends and family.
Include Symbolic Readings
In addition to your vows, you can incorporate symbolic readings and poems that speak to your journey as a couple. For example, Caroline and Courtney, an LGBTQ+ couple, chose Bible readings and a poem for their wedding. They selected 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 for its inclusive message:
> "This has a strong biblical message of acceptance of all marriages, so it was important to us to include this passage in our wedding."
Whether you decide to follow tradition or forge your own path, remember that your wedding vows should celebrate your love authentically and memorably. So, feel free to break free from outdated gender roles and create a ceremony that truly reflects who you are as a couple. Congratulations on your special day!
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Write your own unique vows
Wedding vows are a declaration of your love and commitment to your partner. They are the beating heart of your wedding and a promise to live and cherish each other every day.
If you want to write your own unique, non-patriarchal wedding vows, there are some important things to consider. Firstly, do these vows capture 'us' and our vision for our marriage? Are they too broad, too simple, or too rooted in the patriarchy?
Expressing Equality
Write vows that reflect an equal partnership. Avoid language that indicates a power dynamic or one partner being submissive to the other. For example, the traditional vow "obey" is now seen as outdated and cringe-worthy by many couples. Instead, use language that reflects your beliefs about equality in marriage.
Sharing Adventures
Write about your shared vision for the future. Talk about your values, dreams, and plans, and how you will accomplish your goals together. You can also mention how your partner enriches your life and how you feel lucky to have found someone who embraces all that you are.
Choosing Each Other
Instead of the traditional "I take you to be my wife/husband", try something like, "I choose you to be no other than yourself, loving what I know of you and trusting what I do not yet know". This modern twist emphasizes the idea of choosing each other willingly and accepting each other as you are.
Supporting Each Other
Vow to support, care for, and celebrate with your partner through life's ups and downs. You can promise to be by their side through whatever life may bring and to endure the bad times together.
Respecting Individuality
It's important to respect your partner as an individual, a partner, and an equal. You can say something like, "I respect you as an individual, a partner, and an equal. You are my best friend, and I promise to love and accept you always."
Remember, these are just suggestions. The most important thing is to write vows that feel natural to you and your partner and truly reflect your unique relationship.
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Frequently asked questions
Non-patriarchal wedding vows are those that do not include language that indicates a power dynamic or a male hierarchy in the relationship. Here are some examples:
- "I promise to always care for you, connect with you, comfort you and celebrate with you."
- "I will be by your side through whatever life may bring and cherish the time we have together."
- "I choose you to be no other than yourself, loving what I know of you and trusting what I do not yet know."
Non-patriarchal wedding vows that promote equality might include pledges to:
- Cherish, empower, and stand united for a brighter, fairer tomorrow.
- Provide a safe space for each other's feelings and reject societal expectations that suppress emotions based on gender norms.
- Advocate for equal opportunities within your partnership and the world around you.
Wedding vows should be between one and two minutes long when read aloud, which is roughly 100 to 200 words per person.
