Inviting Parents To Your Wedding: Etiquette And Tips

Planning a wedding is a stressful process, and deciding on the guest list can be one of the most difficult aspects. This is especially true when it comes to inviting parents, whether they are divorced, toxic, or simply difficult to deal with. It's important to remember that you are not obligated to invite anyone you don't want to, including your parents, and that your wedding day is about celebrating your love with the people who matter most to you. If you're unsure about inviting your parents, consider visualising the day with and without them and weighing the pros and cons. Ultimately, the decision is yours, and you should do what feels right for you and your partner.

Inviting toxic parents

Planning a wedding can be stressful, and one of the most challenging aspects is deciding whether to invite toxic parents. It is essential to remember that you are not obligated to invite anyone who will detract from your special day. Here is some advice on how to approach this difficult decision:

Assess the Situation

Take time to evaluate the nature of your relationship with your parents. Are they merely estranged, or have they been consistently toxic and abusive? If the latter, it is crucial to prioritise your well-being and peace of mind.

Trust Your Instincts

If you feel anxious or uneasy about inviting your parents, trust your instincts. Your feelings are valid, and you should not ignore any red flags.

Consider the Potential Impact

Visualise your wedding day with and without your parents' presence. Envision the various scenarios and how you would feel in each situation. Will you regret their absence, or will their presence create unnecessary drama and stress?

Seek Support

Discuss your dilemma with your partner, close friends, or a therapist. Their objective perspective can help you gain clarity and validate your feelings. It is essential to have a strong support system during this challenging time.

Set Boundaries

If you choose to invite your parents, clearly communicate your expectations and boundaries. Be firm and explicit about what behaviour will and will not be tolerated.

Prepare for the Worst

If you fear that your parents may cause a scene or behave inappropriately, have a plan in place. Assign trusted individuals to keep an eye on them or, if necessary, arrange for security personnel to be present.

Focus on Your Happiness

Ultimately, remember that your wedding day is about celebrating your love and commitment. Do not feel pressured to invite anyone out of obligation or guilt. Prioritise your happiness and surround yourself with people who genuinely support and care for you.

Deciding whether to invite toxic parents to your wedding is an immensely personal decision. Take the time to reflect on what is best for you and your partner, and remember that your well-being and happiness should always come first.

Inviting parents' friends

If you are paying for your wedding yourself, you are not obliged to let your parents invite their friends. However, if your parents are contributing financially, they do get a say on the guest list. In this case, it is best to divide the guest list into thirds: one-third for you and your partner, one-third for your parents, and one-third for your in-laws.

If you are footing the bill and are happy to let your parents invite some of their friends, it is a good idea to set a limit on the number of guests they can invite. For example, you could ask them to invite six people each who are in some way connected to your lives, such as their best friends.

It is also worth considering the type of wedding you want. If you are planning an intimate wedding with just your closest friends and family, it might be best not to allow your parents to invite their friends. However, if you are having a larger celebration, it could be a nice gesture to let your parents invite some of their friends, especially if they are people who have been supportive of your parents during hard times.

Remember that your parents' friends are often responsible for convincing your parents that your behaviour as a child was normal and not something that needed to be "stamped out with extraordinary measures". So, when your parents ask to invite their friends to your wedding, think of it as a thank-you to these people for their support over the years.

Inviting parents' partners

When it comes to inviting your parents' partners to your wedding, there are a few things to consider. Firstly, it's important to remember that your wedding is your day, and you should invite people who are important to you and your partner. If your parent is in a serious, long-term relationship, it would be appropriate to invite their partner to the wedding. This is especially true if your parent's partner has been a supportive presence in your life. On the other hand, if your parent is dating someone new or has a casual relationship, the decision to invite them becomes more complicated.

One factor to consider is your parent's wishes. Have an open and honest conversation with your parent about their relationship and how they feel about their partner attending the wedding. It's important to manage their expectations, especially if you decide not to invite their partner. Another factor is your guest list constraints. If you have the space and budget to accommodate your parents' partners, it may be a kind gesture to include them, even if they are not engaged or married to your parent.

If you decide to invite your parents' partners, there are a few etiquette guidelines to keep in mind. It is not necessary to include them in the processional or receiving line, especially if the relationship is new. Instead, reserve a seat for them next to your parent and introduce them to your family and friends during the cocktail hour or reception. When it comes to seating arrangements, it is polite to seat them at the same table as your parent so they have someone familiar to talk to.

Remember, the decision to invite your parents' partners is ultimately up to you and your partner. Consider your relationship with your parents and their partners, and choose what feels right for you. Open communication with your parents and setting clear boundaries will help ensure that everyone is on the same page and respected.

Wording and etiquette

Traditionally, the bride's parents hosted the wedding, but nowadays, it's common for both sets of parents to host alongside the couple. If this is your scenario, you can honour this on your wedding invites with some "together with their families" wording. Here are some examples:

• "Together with their families..."
• "It is with joy that, together with their families, ..."
• "With the support of our families, we are excited to ..."

If you have the space, you can also include your parents' or stepparents' names in a line below.

The first line of most traditional wedding invites mentions the host, followed by a request line, where you ask your guests to join you for your big day. Request lines often use phrases such as "request the honour of your presence" or "invite you to join them for their wedding day". Tailor this line to your and your partner's style and formality.

After the request line, you'll want to include the names of the happy couple. Traditionally, a bride's name would be listed before a groom's, but you don't have to stick with tradition. Regardless of gender, you can arrange the names in the order you prefer. Be as formal or informal as you like.

Below the aforementioned details, include the date and time of your wedding, including the year and "a.m." or "p.m." to avoid confusion. Also, include the wedding ceremony location, with the venue name, road, and state, so your guests can start planning their trip.

You may also want to include a line or two about your wedding reception, especially if it's at a different location. A simple "Reception to follow" is sufficient, or you can include more details, such as "Drinks and dancing to follow".

It's also helpful to include a dress code on your wedding invites so guests know what to expect. A simple "Formal" or "Casual" is enough for guests to work with.

If your parents are contributing financially to your wedding, it's common to allow them to invite some guests. This could be close friends or extended family members. You can set a limit on the number of guests each parent can invite, especially if you're trying to keep your wedding intimate.

If you have divorced parents, it can be tricky to decide whether to invite your parents' new significant others. If your parent has a new partner, and there's no engagement ring in sight, you don't have to invite them, especially if you haven't met them yet. However, if your parents are paying for the wedding, they should be allowed to bring a guest, even if it's a new boyfriend or girlfriend. If the relationship is established and serious, your parents and their partners should be at the top of the "plus-one" list.

If you do invite your parents' new partners, you don't have to include them in the processional unless they are engaged to your parent. Instead, reserve a seat next to your parent for their plus-one. Their plus-ones should also not stand in the receiving line but can mingle with the guests and be introduced during cocktail hour. For the reception, the new significant other should be seated at the same table as the parent they are dating.

Parents' role in the wedding

The role of parents in a wedding is quite extensive, especially if they are paying for the wedding. Here is a list of duties and responsibilities for the parents of the bride and groom:

Father and Mother of the Bride:

• Make the in-laws feel welcome by hosting a dinner for them, the grandparents, and other children so both families can get to know one another.
• Announce the couple's engagement in print, such as in a local newspaper or house of worship newsletter, or by sending a formal announcement in the mail.
• Plan and host an engagement party, including booking the venue and vendors, organizing the guest list, ordering the invitations, and overseeing all the other details.
• Determine the wedding budget and how much they want to contribute.
• Act as the unofficial wedding planner if one is not hired, especially if the wedding is in the bride's hometown and she no longer lives there.
• Research wedding venues and vendors by getting recommendations from friends and family and going with the couple to check out potential venues.
• Review all contracts and be financially responsible for payments to vendors.
• Be the go-to contact for vendors if the bride is unavailable.
• Organize a guest list of relatives and friends and gather mailing addresses for save-the-date cards and invitations.
• Provide registry assistance by advising on home essentials and allowing the couple to have items shipped to their home.
• Go wedding dress shopping with the bride and offer support and honesty.
• Seek out family heirlooms such as veils, garters, or jewellery for the bride to wear.
• Shop for their own wedding attire, ensuring it complements the wedding style and their personal style, and inform the mother of the groom of their chosen outfit so their looks don't clash or match exactly.
• Research cultural and religious traditions and inform the couple of any they'd like to include in the ceremony.
• Co-host the bridal shower, contributing financially and having input on the venue, guest list, menu, décor, and entertainment.
• Proofread all printed materials, including invitations, programs, and envelopes.
• Assist in organizing the seating chart by advising on family dynamics and which relatives and friends should sit together.
• Edit the photo shot list to include any family shots they want.
• Confirm any photo album and video orders.
• Run any last-minute errands in the lead-up to the wedding.
• Plan the rehearsal dinner, making a speech to welcome the groom and his family.
• Help the bride get ready on the big day, assisting with her dress, shoes, veil, etc.
• Drive with the bride to the ceremony and offer words of support and love.
• Escort the bride down the aisle, or, in the case of a Christian wedding, the mother of the bride can escort her daughter if the father is unable to.
• Sit in the first pew at a Christian wedding.
• Stand in the receiving line, if one is held.
• Sit at the parents' table with friends, relatives, or the parents of the groom.
• Make a toast at the wedding, welcoming family and friends and sharing a funny story about the bride.
• Play the role of host and hostess by welcoming guests and hosting events over the wedding weekend, such as a welcome dinner, round of golf, spa day, or post-wedding farewell brunch.
• Be the last to leave the wedding to ensure all vendors are paid and tipped and that their guests had a wonderful time.

Father and Mother of the Groom:

• The groom's family is traditionally responsible for paying for the bride's wedding ring.
• Pay for the groom's and groomsmen's attire, either by buying or renting.
• Pay for the rehearsal dinner, including food, drink, venue fees, entertainment, and transportation.
• Give gifts to the groomsmen and pay for their lodging.
• Provide personal wedding flowers, including the bride's bouquet, groomsmen and usher boutonnieres, and corsages or mini bouquets for the mothers and grandmothers.
• Pay for the marriage license.
• Pay the officiant's fee or give a cash gift, as well as covering the officiant's lodging if they are from out of town.
• Traditionally pay for the honeymoon, including flights, hotels, and excursions.
• Cover the cost of reception exit transportation for the couple.

In addition to these duties and financial responsibilities, parents can also be involved in other ways. For example, they may be asked to give a reading during the ceremony or share marriage advice with the couple. They can also offer support and a listening ear to their child throughout the planning process and on the day itself.

It is important to note that modern wedding etiquette is ever-evolving, and not all of these traditional roles may apply to every wedding. The level of involvement and financial contribution of parents may vary depending on the couple's preferences, family dynamics, and financial situation.

Frequently asked questions