Who Can Officiate Your Wedding? You!

The rules around self-solemnizing wedding ceremonies vary by state and can be complicated. In the US, there are two types of ceremonies where you can marry without an officiant: a civil wedding and a self-uniting marriage. While it might be possible to officiate your own wedding, it's not a common practice and is generally not permitted. In most states, a third-party officiant is required to complete the marriage license. However, there are a few states that offer self-uniting or self-solemnizing marriage licenses, such as Pennsylvania, Illinois, Wisconsin, Colorado, California, Maine, Nevada, Kansas, and the District of Columbia. These states have different requirements, such as noting specific religious affiliations or having witnesses present. If you're considering officiating your own wedding, it's important to carefully research and understand your state's policies and regulations.

Self-uniting marriages

A self-uniting marriage is a unique and personalised way for a couple to get married. It is a ceremony without an officiant, priest, or judge, where the couple marries themselves. While it is sometimes referred to as a "Quaker marriage", due to its connection with the Quaker faith, it is non-denominational. The practice has a long history in various cultures, including Christianity and the Baháʼí faith, and has seen a resurgence as couples increasingly opt for more intimate celebrations or elopements.

In a self-uniting marriage, the couple creates their own ceremony and may exchange vows and rings, expressing their love and commitment in an authentic and meaningful way. This type of marriage allows for customisation and flexibility, whether the couple chooses to elope or celebrate with family and friends.

To obtain a self-uniting marriage licence, couples must research their local regulations and complete the necessary steps, which typically include finding the relevant county court's marriage licence website, filling out an application, and appearing in person at the courthouse with valid identification.

While a self-uniting marriage offers a unique and intimate way to get married, it is important to be aware of potential limitations. For example, in some states, like Wisconsin, a self-uniting marriage may not be recognised in all legal contexts, and couples may be required to sign a form acknowledging this stipulation.

Ultimately, a self-uniting marriage provides a special opportunity for couples to design a ceremony that truly reflects their relationship and values.

Civil weddings

Civil officiants typically include justices of the peace, magistrates, and other officials. However, anyone can become a civil officiant by completing the necessary legal requirements. These requirements vary across states, with some states mandating registration at the state level, while others leave this process to individual counties. For example, Ohio requires ministers to register at the state level, whereas Michigan handles this process at the county level.

The role of a civil officiant is to lead the wedding ceremony, weaving in the couple's love story, personal touches, and any desired religious elements. They are responsible for ensuring the ceremony meets legal standards and filing the necessary paperwork with the appropriate authorities. This typically includes obtaining a marriage license, completing any required forms, and returning the signed license to the issuing office.

In some states, self-uniting or self-solemnizing marriages are permitted, where no third party, including a civil officiant, is required to legally bind the couple in marriage. States that allow self-uniting marriages include Pennsylvania, Illinois, Wisconsin, Colorado, the District of Columbia, California, Maine, and Nevada. However, it is important to note that even within these states, specific cities or counties may have unique regulations. For example, in Wisconsin, self-uniting marriages may not be recognised in all contexts, and a signed form acknowledging this stipulation may be required.

Legal requirements

The legal requirements for officiating your own wedding vary depending on the state or country in which the wedding will take place. While most states require a third-party officiant to complete the marriage license, there are a few exceptions.

In the United States, there are currently nine states that offer self-uniting or self-solemnizing marriage licenses: Pennsylvania, Illinois, Wisconsin, Colorado, the District of Columbia, California, Maine, Nevada, and Kansas. However, the rules and regulations around self-solemnizing ceremonies can be complicated and vary by state. For example, in Wisconsin, a self-solemnized marriage may not be recognized in all contexts, and in Maine, only those of certain faiths can be exempt from needing an officiant.

In California, couples may be able to self-unite if they purchase a special 'non-clergy' marriage license, called a 'License and Certificate of Marriage for Denominations Not Having Clergy.' In these cases, two witnesses must sign the license with the couple in place of an officiant.

It is important to note that even in states that allow self-uniting marriages, there may still be requirements for the presence of a witness or two at the ceremony. Additionally, some states may require individuals to be legally able to perform marriages in their state before they can officiate their own wedding.

Before officiating your own wedding, it is essential to carefully research and understand the specific laws and regulations of the state in which the wedding will take place. This may involve reviewing the registration process, obtaining the necessary credentials and official documents, and completing any required minister registration.

Writing the ceremony

Start with a Basic Outline:

Begin with a basic structure that includes the key elements of a wedding ceremony. This typically includes the processional, opening remarks, message to the couple, readings, vows, ring exchange, pronouncement of marriage, and closing remarks. You can use a standard wedding ceremony script outline as a starting point and customise it to fit your vision.

Collaborate with the Couple:

Meet with the couple to discuss their expectations, vision, and any personal elements they want to include. Brainstorm ideas, such as stories, poems, or rituals that reflect their relationship and values. This collaboration will make the ceremony more meaningful and engaging for everyone involved.

Craft the Opening Remarks:

The opening remarks set the tone for the ceremony. Welcome the guests, introduce the couple, and provide any necessary instructions, such as requesting that guests turn off their phones or refraining from taking photos. You can also announce whether photos are allowed and invite guests to stand for the entrance of the couple.

Share a Message about the Couple:

As the officiant, you have a unique perspective on the couple. Share a story about their relationship, offer words of wisdom, or reflect on what marriage means to them. This is a great opportunity to inject personality and sentiment into the ceremony.

Incorporate Readings and Rituals:

Work with the couple to select meaningful readings, poems, or Bible verses. You can also suggest including rituals such as a unity candle, sand ceremony, or handfasting to symbolise the union of the couple and their families. These elements add depth and symbolism to the ceremony.

Exchange of Vows and Rings:

The exchange of vows and rings is the heart of the ceremony. Work with the couple to determine how they want to structure this part. You can provide guidance on writing vows, suggest ideas for ring exchange rituals, and ensure that the legal requirements for the vows are met.

Pronouncement of Marriage:

This is the moment when you officially declare the couple as married. You can include phrases such as, "By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife/spouse/married!" This is usually followed by inviting the couple to seal their marriage with a kiss.

Closing Remarks and Presentation of the Couple:

In your closing remarks, thank the guests for their presence and provide a brief overview of what will happen next, such as the couple's exit, photo session, or reception. Finally, present the couple to the guests for the first time as a married couple, and invite them to exit the ceremony space.

Remember, the key to writing a meaningful ceremony is personalisation and collaboration with the couple. By incorporating their vision, stories, and unique elements, you will create a ceremony that truly honours their love story and leaves a lasting impression on everyone in attendance.

Officiant attire

So, you're thinking of officiating your wedding—how exciting! But what should you wear?

Know the Wedding Style and Theme

Before choosing your outfit, it's crucial to understand the wedding style and theme. Whether it's a formal black-tie affair, a rustic outdoor celebration, or an intimate beach gathering, aligning your attire with the overall aesthetic will create a cohesive look.

Collaborate with Your Partner

When it comes to officiant attire, clear communication with your partner is vital. While they may initially say, "Wear whatever you want," remember that you'll be captured in some of the most important photos of their life. Help them out by presenting a few options and asking for their preferences.

What to Wear to Officiate a Formal, Traditional Wedding

If you're going for a formal, traditional look, consider the following:

• A classic black or navy suit with a crisp white shirt and a coordinated tie or bowtie
• A tailored tuxedo paired with a formal white shirt, bowtie, and cufflinks
• A formal pantsuit or tailored jumpsuit for a modern and chic look
• An elegant floor-length dress in black or a rich colour such as navy or forest green
• A timeless, tasteful black cocktail dress with sophisticated accessories

What to Wear to Officiate a Rustic, Outdoor Wedding

For a rustic, outdoor wedding, you might want to go for something more relaxed:

• A light-coloured linen or seersucker suit paired with a dress shirt and a coordinating tie or bowtie
• Khaki or beige pants with a pastel-coloured shirt and suspenders for a polished yet laid-back look
• A tailored blazer paired with chinos or dress pants and a casual shirt
• A flowy floral dress in natural tones with comfortable wedges or sandals
• A pastel-coloured knee-length dress with a lightweight cardigan or wrap
• A bohemian-inspired maxi dress with subtle prints and earthy accessories

What to Wear to Officiate a Beach Wedding

And if you're heading to the beach to say "I do", here are some ideas:

• A light-coloured linen or cotton suit with a breathable shirt and loafers
• Khaki pants paired with a linen shirt and a stylish Panama hat
• Linen trousers with a short-sleeved button-up shirt and boat shoes
• A flowy maxi dress in lightweight fabrics like chiffon or silk
• An A-line sundress in vibrant colours or tropical prints
• Wide-legged pants paired with a breezy blouse and comfortable sandals

Other Things to Consider

• The couple's preferences: Ask your partner if they prefer a specific outfit, such as a dress, jumpsuit, suit, or tux. Inquire about any length or coverage requirements and be mindful of their family's dress code preferences.
• Colour coordination: Discuss whether they want you to wear black or another colour that complements the wedding theme. Some couples may want you to match the bridal party or incorporate specific colours, patterns, or styles.
• Hair, makeup, and accessories: Ask if they want you to do anything specific with your hair, facial hair, nails, shoes, or jewellery to align with their vision.
• Comfort and practicality: Choose an outfit that's comfortable and allows you to move around easily. Consider the weather and the ceremony's location, and select appropriate footwear for the terrain.
• Microphone placement: If you'll be using a microphone, ensure your outfit has a place to clip it on and carry the battery pack.

Remember, it's important to make their decision-making process easier by providing clear options and seeking their input. By understanding their preferences and the wedding style, you can choose an officiant outfit that respects their vision for the day.

Frequently asked questions