Weddings And Melancholy: Why The Occasion Makes Me Sad

Weddings are joyous occasions meant to celebrate love and togetherness. However, it is not uncommon for people to experience feelings of sadness and depression before, during, or after a wedding. This phenomenon can affect guests, the bridal party, or even the newlyweds themselves. For guests, feelings of sadness may stem from social comparison, the sense of not belonging, or not keeping up with their peers. Newlyweds may experience post-wedding depression due to the anti-climax after the ceremony and honeymoon, or the realisation of the ordinariness of married life. Understanding the causes and signs of wedding-related depression can help individuals manage their mental health and well-being during this time.

Weddings can make single people feel depressed and left out

Weddings are meant to be joyous occasions to celebrate love and togetherness, and they usually are. But anyone who has ever been to a wedding knows that they can also be filled with stress and complex emotions, leaving some guests feeling bummed out.

The importance of social inclusion

According to behavioural scientist Mariana Bockarova, PhD, the reason weddings can trigger feelings of sadness or depression, especially for single people, is rooted in our evolutionary past. As social animals, we have a fundamental need to be included in the group, and not fitting in could once have meant being left behind and facing death.

So, if you're single and attend a wedding without a plus-one, it's understandable that you might feel left out. This sense of exclusion can activate a very visceral response to rejection, which is often heightened at weddings.

Social comparison and relationship milestones

Seeing a couple live out a significant relationship milestone can also trigger social comparison. You might find yourself evaluating your life and relationship status, and feeling dejected if you feel you're not keeping up with your peer group.

It's important to remember that weddings showcase the best moments in a couple's relationship, and it's all too easy to compare this to the not-so-nice parts of your own relationship or dating life.

The pressure of societal expectations

Our society places a lot of importance on weddings, and they are often portrayed as fairy-tale endings or the happiest day of one's life. This sets a high standard for both singles and couples, who may feel pressured to meet certain expectations.

Strategies for coping as a single wedding guest

If you're feeling depressed or left out as a single person at a wedding, here are some practical strategies to cope:

• Find a wedding buddy: Reach out to other single guests or a married couple who don't mind a third wheel. Having company can make you feel less alone.
• Take breaks: During slow songs or emotional moments, step away and take a break. Go for a walk, phone a friend, or freshen up your makeup.
• Engage in lighthearted conversation: Quietly gossip with a trusted friend about something quirky or unusual about the day. It can help to be reminded that weddings, despite their perfection, are still real-life events.
• Challenge yourself to flirt: Weddings are great places to meet people and practice opening up, even if there aren't any eligible singles. Challenging yourself to talk to someone new can be empowering.
• Fake it till you make it: On the wedding day, the focus should be on celebrating the couple. Try to put on a smile and fake happiness until you feel it.

Remember, it's normal to feel a range of emotions at weddings, and you're not alone in experiencing these feelings.

They can trigger a sense of not keeping up with your peer group

Weddings are meant to be joyous occasions to celebrate love and togetherness, but they can also be emotionally challenging for guests, especially those who are single and not in a relationship. Attending a wedding can trigger a sense of not keeping up with your peer group, leaving you feeling dejected and anxious about not being included.

According to behavioural scientist, Dr Mariana Bockarova, PhD, this feeling of exclusion stems from our evolutionary past as hunter-gatherers, where being left out of the group could have meant being left behind and dying. While not fitting in at a wedding may not be a matter of life and death, we still experience that sense of anxiety about not belonging. Dr Bockarova explains that our brains find it difficult to understand that not being included doesn't mean we won't be okay. Weddings can, therefore, trigger a very visceral response to rejection or perceived rejection.

This feeling of exclusion can be particularly acute if you are single and all your friends are getting married. You might feel like you are on the outskirts, observing everyone else's happiness and commitment while feeling alone and left out. It can be even more challenging if you are in the bridal party or part of the wedding preparations, as you are constantly reminded of your own relationship status.

Additionally, weddings tend to breed social comparison. As Dr Bockarova explains, we get to see another couple's "highlight reel" without witnessing the fights or the not-so-nice parts of their relationship. Comparing these idealised moments to the messy reality of our own relationships can make us question our choices and feel like we are falling behind. We might start to believe that we need to achieve certain milestones or acquire certain displays of wealth to fit in with our peers.

However, it's important to remember that weddings only show a curated version of a couple's relationship, and comparing ourselves to this unrealistic standard is unfair to ourselves and our unique journeys. As Dr Bockarova advises, we should evaluate our relationships based on our own standards and not on comparisons with others.

They can breed a tendency to compare your life to others'

Weddings are joyous occasions to celebrate love and togetherness. However, they can also be emotionally challenging, especially if you are single and not by choice. Attending a wedding can make you feel left out and heighten the sense of not keeping up with your peer group, leaving you feeling dejected.

This feeling of exclusion is deeply rooted in our evolutionary past. As Dr Mariana Bockarova, a behavioural scientist, explains, in hunter-gatherer societies, humans needed to fit in with a group, and not fitting in could have meant being left behind and dying. While being left out at a wedding is not life-threatening, we still get that sense of anxiety about not being included. Our brains find it challenging to understand that not being included does not equate to rejection or the end of our social prospects.

Moreover, weddings tend to breed a tendency to compare your life to others. You see another couple's happiest moments and relationship milestones, which can make you re-evaluate your own life and relationship. You might start to compare your relationship to the seemingly perfect "highlight reel" of the newlyweds, forgetting that relationships have their ups and downs. As Dr Bockarova says, "You’re not looking at the fights, you’re not looking at what that relationship looks like without a fancy dress or the makeup on...You’re just looking at a really happy moment in their lives".

The materialistic and fairytale-like nature of weddings doesn't help either. Weddings are often used to display affection and wealth, making it challenging to avoid comparisons. However, it's important to remember that you're only seeing a curated version of their relationship and that every relationship has its messy, un-Instagrammable moments.

If you find yourself feeling down after attending a wedding, it's crucial to remember that what you're witnessing is a celebration of a single day, a highlight of someone else's life, and not the whole picture. Comparing your life to this snapshot is like comparing your everyday life to someone else's highlight reel on social media—it's not an accurate or fair representation.

Instead of comparing yourself to others, focus on evaluating your relationship based on your own standards and values. Remind yourself that relationships are complex and that what matters is how you and your partner feel about each other, not how your relationship looks from the outside.

They can make you feel like you're missing out on attention

Weddings are meant to be joyous occasions to celebrate love and togetherness. However, they can also be emotionally challenging and even depressing for some people. One reason why weddings can make you feel depressed is that they can trigger feelings of exclusion and make you feel like you're missing out on attention.

Feeling Left Out

As social animals, humans have an inherent desire to be included and accepted by others. From an evolutionary perspective, fitting in with a group was crucial for survival in hunter-gatherer societies, and not belonging could have meant being left behind and facing potential dangers alone. While the consequences of exclusion may not be as severe in modern times, the feeling of rejection or perceived rejection at weddings can still evoke a strong emotional response.

Comparison and Social Pressure

Weddings are often associated with social comparison, especially regarding relationship status. Attending a wedding as a single person can highlight your relationship status and make you feel like you're missing out on the attention and celebration that comes with being in a couple. This can be further exacerbated if you are actively looking for a relationship but haven't found one.

Attention and Validation

Weddings can also be a source of attention and validation for the couple getting married. They are the center of attention, celebrating their love and commitment in front of their community. If you are someone who craves attention or validation from others, attending a wedding can make you feel like you are missing out on that spotlight. This feeling may be especially pronounced if you have not received adequate attention or the right kind of attention in your life.

Impact of Social Media

In today's world, weddings are often highly curated and meticulously planned, with many couples seeking to create a fairytale-like experience. Social media platforms can further amplify the attention and validation-seeking aspects of weddings, as couples may feel pressured to present their relationship and wedding as perfect and worthy of admiration. This can create a sense of competition and contribute to feelings of exclusion for those who are single or struggling in their relationships.

FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)

The fear of missing out (FOMO) is a common social anxiety that can be heightened during weddings. Seeing others celebrate and receive attention can trigger feelings of exclusion and make you feel like you're missing out on important life experiences. This can be especially challenging if you are already struggling with feelings of loneliness or insecurity about your relationship status.

In conclusion, weddings can evoke complex emotions, and it is normal to feel a range of feelings, including happiness for the couple and sadness or depression for yourself. It is important to recognize that everyone's journey is unique and that comparing yourself to others or seeking external validation will not bring lasting fulfillment. Instead, focus on cultivating self-acceptance, surrounding yourself with supportive people, and celebrating the joy of others without diminishing your own worth.

They can make you feel like your life is boring and mundane

Weddings are meant to be joyous occasions to celebrate love and togetherness. However, they can often leave people feeling depressed and anxious.

One reason why weddings can make you feel depressed is that they can trigger a sense of social comparison, making you feel like your life is boring and mundane in contrast to the happy couple's seemingly perfect life. This is especially true if you are single and longing for a relationship. Attending a wedding can heighten the sense that you are not keeping up with your peer group, leaving you feeling dejected and anxious about not being included.

Relationship therapist Geoff Lamb explains that people often have high expectations that their wedding will be the happiest day of their life. However, when the wedding day is over, it is common to experience a sense of anti-climax and feel that ordinary life seems boring and mundane in comparison to the excitement and attention of the wedding celebrations.

The lead-up to the wedding is often filled with anticipation and excitement, but once it is over, reality can set in, and you may feel a sense of let-down. This is especially true if you were very sexual before getting married, as sex may be affected by the feeling that marriage is a trap.

Additionally, weddings can be a time when you are the center of attention, and the boost of being the focus of everyone's admiration can lead to a comedown when you return to ordinary life. If you are single and feel left out at a wedding, it can be helpful to remember that you are not alone and that there are likely other single people in attendance.

If you find yourself feeling depressed after attending a wedding, it is important to remember that what you are witnessing is another couple's highlight reel, and you are not seeing the fights and challenges that every couple faces. Comparing your life to someone else's happiest moments is not an accurate reflection of reality.

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