Best Man Flaked: Now What?

Flaky people are highly unreliable and inconsistent, and they tend to be major procrastinators who don't follow through on their word. They can be self-absorbed, inconsiderate, and even emotionally manipulative. They often reschedule or cancel plans at the last minute, leave you feeling insecure, and don't respect your time. If the best man is a flake, it's important to set boundaries and assert your expectations clearly. Let him know that his behaviour is unacceptable and that you value your time. Don't compromise your standards or make excuses for his flakiness. Instead, focus on more persistent admirers who respect your time and attention.

Don't take it personally

It's easy to take flaking personally, but it's important to remember that it's not always about you. There are many reasons why someone might flake, and it's often not a reflection of your worth or value as a person. Here are some things to keep in mind:

Flaking is Common

Flaking has become a common behaviour in our modern world. With the rise of technology, it's easier than ever to bail on plans or cancel at the last minute. This doesn't make it acceptable, but it's important to recognise that you're not alone in experiencing this. Many people struggle with the hurt, confusion, anger and frustration that comes with being flaked on.

It's Not About You, It's Them

When someone flakes, it often says more about them than it does about you. Flaking can indicate a lack of respect and consideration for others, as well as an inability to manage their own life and commitments. It could also be a sign that they are struggling with something in their personal life, such as stress, anxiety or other issues. While this doesn't excuse their behaviour, it can help to understand that their flakiness may not be a personal attack on you.

You're Worth More

When someone flakes, they are essentially telling you that they don't value your time. This is a reflection of their priorities, not your worth. You deserve to be around people who care about you and who respect your time. Don't settle for less.

Keep Things in Perspective

While it's frustrating and disappointing to be flaked on, try to maintain a broader perspective. This person may have done you a favour by showing their true colours early on. Now you have the opportunity to focus your time and energy on people who are more worthy of your attention.

It's Not Your Responsibility

Remember that you are not responsible for someone else's behaviour. You can't control whether they flake or not, but you can control how you respond to it. Focus on taking care of yourself and setting healthy boundaries, rather than trying to change or fix the other person.

Focus on What You Can Control

Instead of getting upset or angry, channel that energy into something positive. Spend time with loved ones, indulge in self-care practices or try out a new hobby. Focus on the things and people that bring you joy and fulfilment, rather than giving your energy to someone who doesn't appreciate it.

Don't chase them

So, your best man is a flake. It's a tough situation to be in, but it's important to remember that you shouldn't chase after someone who doesn't respect your time and attention. Here are some reasons why you shouldn't chase after a flaky person:

They don't hold you in high regard

If someone flakes on you, it means they don't value your time and attention. They are essentially telling you that they don't respect you as a person and don't care about your feelings. It's important to recognise this behaviour and not chase after them, as it will only lead to more disappointment and frustration.

They are unreliable and indecisive

A "flake" is someone who is highly unreliable and indecisive. They are likely to be a major procrastinator, someone who doesn't follow through on their commitments, and is nearly incapable of keeping their word. This type of behaviour can be frustrating and emotionally draining to deal with. Instead of chasing after them, it's better to focus your time and energy on people who are reliable and committed to your relationship.

They make you feel insecure

A flaky person will often leave you feeling emotionally insecure and not good enough. They might stand you up, take forever to reply to your texts or calls, or avoid talking about the future with you. This type of behaviour can be very damaging to your self-esteem and sense of worth. It's important to recognise that their behaviour is a reflection of their own issues and not a reflection of your value as a person.

They are inconsistent and uncommitted

Inconsistency and a lack of commitment are unattractive attributes in a person. If someone is flaky, it means they are likely to be wishy-washy and indecisive in their behaviour towards you. They might cancel plans at the last minute, change their behaviour towards you suddenly, or make empty promises. This type of behaviour can be confusing and exhausting to deal with. Instead of chasing after them, it's better to focus on people who are consistent and committed to your relationship.

They take advantage of your availability

When you make yourself too available to a flaky person, you are essentially training them to take advantage of your time and attention. They will learn that they can get away with treating you poorly because you will always be there for them. It's important to set boundaries and stick to your standards, regardless of how desirable the person may be. Let them know that their behaviour is not acceptable and that you value your time and peace of mind.

Be honest about how it makes you feel

Being honest about how flakiness makes you feel is a crucial step in dealing with a flaky best man. Here are some suggestions on how to do this:

Express your emotions

Explain to the best man how his flakiness affects you. Tell him how you feel when he cancels plans or fails to follow through. Use "I" statements to convey your emotions without sounding accusatory. For example, say, "I feel disappointed when you don't show up for our meetings." or "It upsets me when you cancel our plans at the last minute." Being honest about your feelings can help him understand the impact of his behaviour.

Set boundaries

Clearly communicate your boundaries and expectations. Let him know that you value your time and that last-minute cancellations are unacceptable. Request that he respects your time by providing advance notice if he needs to cancel. For instance, you could say, "I need you to let me know at least a day in advance if you can't make it." or "I expect you to be punctual for our appointments." Setting boundaries demonstrates your self-respect and helps him understand your requirements.

Reclaim your time

When the best man flakes, take back the time you had set aside for him. Spend it on yourself or with loved ones. Engage in activities that bring you joy and surround yourself with people who care about you. This reinforces the value of your time and helps you maintain a positive outlook.

Evaluate the relationship

Consider the frequency of the best man's flakiness and the overall dynamic of your relationship. Ask yourself if his behaviour is a deal-breaker or if it's worth continuing the friendship. If his flakiness is constant and causes you significant distress, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship. Reflect on whether the friendship is fulfilling and worth the effort.

Seek clarification

If the best man's flakiness is out of character, reach out to him to understand what's going on. Ask if something is troubling him or if he's facing any challenges. There might be underlying issues contributing to his behaviour. Show your support and offer to help if he's going through a difficult time. This approach can strengthen your bond and provide him with the assistance he needs.

Don't let them waste your time

Flakiness has become commonplace. In our fast-paced, tech-driven world, it's easier than ever to bail on plans or cancel at the last minute. While it's sometimes unavoidable, chronic flakiness can be a huge red flag and a waste of your time and energy. Here's how to deal with a flaky best man and protect your time:

Recognize the Signs of a Flake

According to dating coach Adam LoDolce, there are three main reasons why men flake:

• He's seeing other women and is debating his best option.
• He's pursuing another woman because she seems like an "easier target."
• You've flaked on guys in the past, and now it's coming back around.

Other signs of a flake include inconsistent behaviour, always rescheduling, acting stressed out, and choosing everything else over you.

Set Clear Boundaries

Let the best man know that his behaviour is unacceptable and that you value your time. Be firm and direct. For example, you could say, "I'm not feeling great about rescheduling. This is the second time we're trying, and I don't think we're a good match."

Don't Make Excuses for Him

It's common for women to make themselves more available and invest time and energy in trying to change a flaky man. Remember, his flakiness is not your fault, and it's not because you're "not good enough." His actions speak volumes about his character and reliability.

Focus on Your Amazingness

When someone flakes, it's not a reflection of your worth. You are a high-value person, and your time is valuable. Reclaim that time for yourself! Connect with loved ones, indulge in self-care, or try out a new activity.

Cut Your Losses

If the best man's behaviour doesn't change, it might be time to move on. You deserve to be around people who care about you and respect your time. Give him a few chances, but don't let yourself be taken for granted.

Find Someone More Reliable

If the best man continues to flake, perhaps it's time to find a replacement or promote another groomsman to the position. Remember, you teach people how to treat you, so set clear boundaries and stick to them!

Don't let them treat you like an option

If you don't want to be treated like an option, there are a few things you can do when dealing with a flaky person. Firstly, it's important to understand that flakiness is often a result of the individual's own issues and has nothing to do with you. They may be dealing with stress, anxiety, or a lack of time management skills. While this doesn't excuse their behaviour, it can help to provide some context.

That being said, you should still assert your boundaries and communicate your expectations clearly. Let the flaky person know that their behaviour is not acceptable and that you value your time and peace of mind. You can give them a second chance if they have a good reason for cancelling, but if their behaviour doesn't change, it's important to move on. Don't compromise your standards or boundaries to accommodate their flakiness. Remember, you teach others how to treat you, so make sure you're not rewarding their flakiness with extra attention or leniency.

• Send a brief, polite response: Thank them for letting you know about the cancellation and wish them well.
• Reschedule if you think it was a one-time issue: Take the initiative to show you're still interested, but also be assertive about your schedule.
• Leave rescheduling up to them: Let them make the next move to test their commitment level.
• Ask them to respect your time: Set boundaries and let them know that last-minute cancellations are not acceptable to you.
• Let them know you're disappointed: Express how their flakiness makes you feel using "I" statements.
• Try calling them: A voice call can be a more personal way to connect and may remind them to show up for you.
• Draw the line and move on: If their behaviour doesn't change, it may be time to end the relationship.
• Focus on yourself: Spend time with loved ones or indulge in activities that make you happy.

Frequently asked questions