Navigating Wedding Absence: Etiquette And Alternatives

If you can't make a wedding, it's important to let the couple know as soon as possible. This is so they can update their headcount for items such as wedding rentals, food and drink. It's best to call the couple, but if it's the day before or the day of the wedding, it's a good idea to let someone close to the bride or groom know instead, as they'll likely be too busy to check their phone. It's also important to be respectful and concise when explaining why you can't attend, and there's no need to overexplain yourself. While it's not expected, you might want to get the couple a gift or take them out to dinner after the wedding to celebrate.

Let the couple know as soon as you can

It is important to let the couple know about your absence as soon as possible. This is because an accurate headcount is needed for items such as wedding rentals, food, and beverages. Couples typically need to give a final guest count to the caterer a week or so before the wedding, so if you inform them about your absence at the last minute, they will likely have to pay for your plate anyway. Therefore, it is advisable to contact the couple personally and apologize, providing a brief reason without going into too much detail. For instance, you could say, "I am so sorry I have to rescind my RSVP to your wedding. I have a work obligation that I cannot get out of and that was not on my calendar when I responded with a 'yes'".

If it is very close to the wedding, the couple might be too busy to answer a phone call. In such cases, it is best to send a genuine and well-thought-out text message. You could write something like, "I am regretfully reaching out to let you know that we need to change our RSVP to your wedding. My grandmother is in the hospital, forcing us to miss your big day. I am truly sorry that we won't be able to make it and also for canceling at the last minute. Congratulations to one of the most special couples we know. I know the weekend will be absolutely sensational, and we can't wait to celebrate with you both."

If you don't hear back from the couple, it is a good idea to reach out to someone close to them after a few days to ensure that your message was received. It is also important to remember that you don't need to overexplain your absence. A brief explanation will suffice, and it is best not to make your explanation too lengthy.

Make sure your reason is legitimate

When it comes to declining a wedding invitation, it's important to ensure that your reason for not attending is legitimate. While it's completely understandable to miss a wedding due to work commitments, sickness, family emergencies, or unexpected financial constraints, it's generally not a good idea to back out just because you've booked a weekend getaway or decided to attend another event. Changing plans at the last minute for a better offer can harm your relationship with the couple and is considered inappropriate by etiquette experts.

If you've already RSVP'd "yes" and need to cancel, it's crucial to provide a valid reason. Be honest, but avoid divulging too many details. A brief explanation, accompanied by a sincere apology, is usually sufficient. For example, you can express your regret and explain that a work obligation has come up that cannot be avoided. It's essential to respect the couple's time and resources by informing them as soon as possible, especially since an accurate headcount is necessary for catering and rental purposes.

In some cases, it might be appropriate to share more details about your reason for cancelling. For instance, if you're dealing with a family emergency or a personal crisis, you can choose to disclose this information if you feel comfortable doing so. This can help the couple understand the seriousness of the situation and the fact that you're not cancelling lightly. However, it's always a good idea to respect your own privacy and share only what you feel comfortable with.

Remember, the couple has likely invested a significant amount of time and money into planning their wedding, and your attendance matters to them. By providing a legitimate reason for your absence, you're showing them respect and consideration. It's also essential to follow through on your decision and not change your mind again, as this can create additional challenges for the couple in terms of planning and logistics.

Still send a gift

If you can't attend a wedding, it is generally considered polite to send a gift to the couple. However, this is not obligatory, and traditional wedding etiquette states that you are not required to send a gift if you are not attending the celebration. Whether you send a gift or not will depend on your relationship with the couple and your budget.

If you are close to the couple, you may want to send a more personal gift or choose something from their registry. If you are unable to attend due to a last-minute emergency, sending cash is a good option as it is quick and expedites the process. If the couple is a colleague or acquaintance, sending a card or a small gift is sufficient. You can also contribute to their honeymoon fund. If budget is a concern, a thoughtful card with your well wishes can also be a nice gesture.

It is considered thoughtful to send a gift before the wedding celebration so that the couple knows you are thinking about them. However, it is also acceptable to send a gift up to a year after the wedding.

If you are unable to attend the wedding, it is important to let the couple know as soon as possible. This is crucial for the couple's planning, as they will need an accurate headcount for items such as wedding rentals, food, and beverages.

Craft your language carefully

When writing your message, be sure to be succinct and apologetic. It's important to be honest about your reason for backing out, but it's best not to divulge every last detail. Etiquette expert Mariah Grumet advises:

> You want to provide a valid reason, as having to change your RVSP last minute is not ideal, but you don't need to make your explanation too lengthy. You don't want the tone to come off as all about you!

Grumet suggests the following script:

> I am regretfully reaching out to let you know that we need to change our RSVP to your wedding. My grandmother is in the hospital, forcing us to have to miss your big day. I cannot begin to tell you how truly sorry we are not only that we are not able to attend, but also for the fact that we are cancelling at the last minute. I know the burden that this causes, and we send our deepest apologies.

> Congratulations to one of the most special couples we know. I know the weekend is going to be absolutely sensational, and we cannot wait to celebrate this exciting time with you both.

Notice how the message expresses genuine regret, provides a valid reason for cancelling, acknowledges the inconvenience caused, and ends on a positive note.

If you don't know the couple very well, you can keep your response short and sweet. Here are some simple messages that you can use as inspiration:

> Thank you for thinking of me, I really appreciate the invitation and I’ll be thinking of you on your big day.

> Congratulations, I wish I could be there with you to celebrate properly, but due to other commitments, I’m going to have to celebrate with you another time.

> Thank you so much for inviting me to your special day but regrettably, I won’t be able to make it.

Remember, it's important to let the couple know as soon as possible if you can't attend. This is not only considerate, but it also helps the couple with their planning and budgeting.

Follow up after the wedding

If you can't make a wedding, it is important to let the couple know as soon as possible. This is so that they can adjust their headcount for items such as wedding rentals, food and beverage.

Even if you can't attend the wedding, there are still ways to celebrate the couple and show your support. Here are some ideas for following up after the wedding:

• Send a thoughtful gift: Even if you can't attend the wedding, sending a gift is a thoughtful way to show your support. You could also offer to take the couple out to dinner after they return from their honeymoon.
• Send a card: A card with a sincere message can go a long way in expressing your congratulations and well wishes. It can also be a way to explain your absence and let the couple know how much you appreciate them.
• Arrange to meet up: You can suggest meeting up with the newlyweds after their honeymoon to celebrate their marriage and spend time with them. This could be a nice dinner or another type of gathering.
• Stay in touch: If you are close to the couple, staying in touch and checking in can be a great way to follow up. This could be through phone calls, emails, or social media messages.
• Offer help: If the couple is settling into a new home or adjusting to married life, offering help or support can be a thoughtful way to follow up. This could be through small gestures or more significant acts of service.
• Continue to build the relationship: Weddings are often busy and overwhelming for the couple, so following up after the wedding can be a great opportunity to continue building your relationship with them. This could be through regular communication, attending future events together, or finding other ways to connect and spend time together.

Frequently asked questions