Wedding Etiquette: Inviting In-Laws, What's The Protocol?

Wedding invitation etiquette is a complex and often stressful aspect of wedding planning. The guest list can be a source of tension, especially when balancing the wishes of the couple and their families, and it's important to get it right. Traditionally, the bride's parents are the hosts and their names come first on the invitation, but listing both sets of parents is also acceptable. When only one family is paying, the guest list is usually split into thirds: one-third for the bride's parents' guests, one-third for the groom's, and one-third for the couple's guests. However, this rule of thirds is flexible and doesn't always work.

It's considered standard etiquette to include spouses, fiancés, and live-in partners on invitations, and to give plus-ones to married, engaged, and cohabiting guests. It's also polite to give plus-ones to wedding party members and guests in long-term relationships. When it comes to children, it's common not to invite them, but this can be a tricky issue, especially if parents won't travel without their kids. In this case, the couple may need to decide if they want children at their wedding and in what capacity.

The number of guests and the venue's capacity are important considerations when creating the guest list. It's generally advised not to let parents add guests that the couple doesn't know, and to stand your ground if they try to include distant relatives or acquaintances. The couple's budget may also dictate how many guests they can invite, and it's important to send invitations early enough for guests to make travel arrangements if needed.

Overall, wedding invitation etiquette requires careful consideration of various factors, and it's essential to handle the guest list and invitations with tact and sensitivity to avoid offending anyone.

Inviting in-laws with a plus-one

When it comes to wedding invites, it's important to follow etiquette to avoid causing any offence. While it's not necessary to invite everyone with a plus-one, there are some instances where it's considered good etiquette to do so.

If your in-laws are married, engaged, or cohabiting with a partner, they should be invited as a unit. It's also good etiquette to invite your in-laws with a plus-one if they have publicly declared their social status, such as by marrying, getting engaged, or moving in together. In these cases, it's important to include their partner's name on the invitation.

If your in-laws have been dating long-term, this can be trickier. In this case, you can set a no-exceptions cutoff, such as only inviting partners if the couple has been dating for a certain amount of time. Alternatively, you could take a case-by-case approach, inviting partners if either you or your partner has met them.

If your in-laws are single, it's perfectly acceptable to extend a solo invite. However, if you realise that nearly all your guests will be coupled up, you might want to extend a plus-one invitation to your single in-laws so they don't feel left out.

It's also important to note that you shouldn't feel obligated to invite your in-laws' children to your wedding. If you do choose to invite children, it's considered good etiquette to include their names on the invitation.

Finally, remember that your wedding is a celebration of your love, and only those you love and are close to should be included. If you are not close to your in-laws, it is not necessary to invite them or give them a plus-one.

Inviting in-laws' children

When it comes to inviting in-laws' children to your wedding, there are a few things to keep in mind. Firstly, it is important to remember that you are not obligated to invite anyone you don't want to. If you have a small guest list or are trying to keep the event intimate, it is perfectly acceptable to only invite the adults and not the children.

However, if you do decide to invite children, it is important to be consistent. This means inviting all the children in the family, not just a select few. It is also a good idea to communicate your decision clearly to the parents. Let them know whether or not children are invited, so they can plan accordingly. If you are not inviting children, you could offer to help the parents arrange childcare or provide suggestions for babysitters in the area.

Another thing to consider is the age of the children. Teenagers, who are technically legal adults, should receive their own invitations. Younger children can be included on their parents' invitation by listing their names on the inner envelope. If you do invite children, think about ways to make them feel included, such as providing kid-friendly food, activities, and mocktails.

Finally, remember that your wedding is your day. If you want to invite your in-laws' children, go for it! If you don't, that's okay too. The most important thing is to communicate your decision clearly and politely to avoid any confusion or hurt feelings.

Addressing the invites

When addressing your wedding invitations, it is important to follow proper etiquette. Here are some tips to ensure your invites are addressed correctly and in line with traditional standards:

• Full Names: It is considered proper etiquette to spell out the full names of your guests on the envelopes, including their title, first name, middle name (optional), and last name. Avoid using nicknames or initials. Be sure to use appropriate social titles as well, addressing married couples as "Mr. and Mrs." or "Mr. and Mr."
• Plus-ones: If your guests are married, engaged, or cohabiting, they should be invited as a unit. Include their partner's name on the invitation or use "and Guest". If you are inviting a guest with a plus-one, it is preferable to use their name if you know it, rather than just "and Guest".
• Children: If you are not inviting children to your wedding, do not write their names on the envelopes. It is not considered gracious to explicitly state that some people are not invited. If you want to make this clear, only include the names of the adult guests on the envelopes.
• Divorced Parents: When addressing invitations to divorced parents, include the mother's name first, followed by the father's name, each on a separate line. Do not use "and" to connect their names.
• Same-Sex Couples: For same-sex couples, you can list the names in alphabetical order by last name or based on what looks best with the invitation design.
• Timing: It is generally recommended to send out wedding invitations six to eight weeks before the wedding. This gives guests enough time to clear their schedules and make travel arrangements if needed.
• RSVP Date: Your RSVP date should be at least two to three weeks before the wedding date to allow enough time to finalise the details with your caterer and create a seating chart.
• Return Address: Include a return address on your invitations so that you can be notified if an invitation is undeliverable. This will help ensure that your guests receive their invitations and avoid any hurt feelings.
• Postage Stamps: It is proper etiquette to include postage stamps on the envelopes for your response cards. Guests should not be expected to pay for postage themselves.
• Digital Invitations: While traditional paper invitations are customary, digital invitations can be considered if you are planning an eco-friendly wedding. However, it is important to keep in mind that some guests may be less tech-savvy, so having a few physical invitations as a backup is a good idea.

RSVP etiquette

RSVP stands for "Répondez, s'il vous plaît," which is French for "please reply." Here is some RSVP etiquette to ensure your wedding planning goes smoothly:

When to Send and Set Deadlines

Send your wedding invitations and RSVP cards at least eight weeks before your wedding date. This gives guests ample time to plan and respond. Set an RSVP deadline of around four weeks before the wedding date. This will allow you and your vendors enough time to finalise the details that depend on the number of guests, such as food and drinks, seating charts, and rentals.

What to Include on the RSVP Card

Your RSVP card should include the following:

• A blank line for guests to write their names, with an "M" at the start of the line to indicate that guests should include their proper honorific (Mr., Mrs., Ms., or Miss).
• An attendance line for guests to accept or decline your invitation. This could be formatted as checkboxes, circling, or fill-in-the-blank lines.
• A deadline for the RSVP prominently displayed on the card.
• Food preferences and dietary requirements, especially if you are serving a plated dinner with entrée options.
• A special request line, such as song requests, drink preferences, or a favourite memory of the couple.

What Not to Include

Do not include registry information on your RSVP cards.

How to Address the Return Envelopes

Include a pre-addressed and pre-stamped envelope with each RSVP card. The envelopes should have the name(s) and address of whoever is handling the RSVPs on the front. It is customary to include a stamp on each envelope so your guests don't have to pay for postage.

Following Up

Even with careful planning, you might find that your wedding RSVP deadline has arrived, and you're still missing confirmations from some guests. In this case, it is perfectly acceptable to follow up with any guests you haven't heard from. Send a friendly reminder a week after the deadline, and if you still don't hear back after several days, it is acceptable to mark them as not coming.

Digital RSVPs

If you are collecting RSVPs through your wedding website or via email, include this information clearly on your invitations or on a separate enclosure card.

Timing of the invites

The timing of your wedding invitations is crucial. Send them too early, and your guests might forget about your big day; send them too late, and your guests might not be able to clear their schedules or make travel arrangements. So, when is the right time to send out your wedding invitations?

The general rule of thumb is to mail your wedding invitations six to eight weeks before the wedding. This gives your guests enough time to plan and make any necessary arrangements without being too early or too late. However, if you're planning a destination wedding or getting married during a holiday weekend, it's advisable to send out your invitations earlier, about three months in advance. This will give your guests ample time to make travel plans and ensure they don't miss out on your special day.

To ensure your guests can make it to your wedding, you should also consider sending out "save-the-date" cards. These are typically sent out six to eight months before the wedding but can be mailed up to a year in advance if you have your wedding details finalized. "Save-the-date" cards are especially important for destination weddings, giving your guests plenty of time to plan their travels.

When it comes to setting an RSVP deadline, aim for two to three weeks before your wedding date. This will give you enough time to finalise your guest list, provide a final headcount to the caterer, and finalise your seating chart. Some couples prefer to request RSVPs three to six weeks in advance for extra wiggle room.

If you're worried about guests missing the RSVP deadline, give them a gentle reminder by calling them after the cutoff date. It's also a good idea to assemble and mail your RSVP cards along with your wedding invitations to ensure a timely response.

Frequently asked questions