The True Meaning Of "Obey" In Wedding Vows

The word obey in wedding vows has been a topic of controversy and debate for decades. Rooted in centuries-old Christian beliefs and social rules, the word obey in wedding vows typically refers to the wife's promise to obey her husband. This tradition can be traced back to ancient Rome, where women were considered property, first of their fathers and then of their husbands. With the spread of Christianity, this social rule travelled from Rome to other parts of Europe, remaining prevalent from the Middle Ages until the women's suffragist movement.

The inclusion of obey in wedding vows is often associated with Ephesians 5:21-24, which states, Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. However, it's important to note that this word is not found in Catholic wedding vows and was introduced by the Church of England in 1549. Over time, as women gained greater freedoms and equality, the word obey has become less common in wedding vows, with many couples opting for more egalitarian language that reflects mutual respect and equality in their relationship.

The origins of the word 'obey' in wedding vows

The word "obey" in wedding vows has its roots in centuries-old Christian beliefs and social rules. The original wording likely originated with the ancient Romans, who viewed women as the property of first their fathers and then their husbands. As Christianity spread from Rome to other regions of Europe, this social rule was maintained from the Middle Ages until the women's suffragist movement.

The inclusion of "obey" in wedding vows is most commonly cited as coming from Ephesians 5:21-24: "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."

The word "obey" was introduced by the Church of England in 1549 with the release of its first Book of Common Prayer. The Reformed Catholic Church required brides to pledge to "love, cherish and obey" their husbands.

The women's suffragist movement in the late 19th and early 20th centuries brought about changes, including encouraging the Church of England to offer an alternative to the biased vow in 1928. An updated version of the Book of Common Prayer suggested that couples could instead promise to simply "love and cherish" each other.

In the United States, the word "obey" virtually vanished from Christian wedding ceremonies in the 1960s. Today, many marriage counsellors and pastors regard the vow of obedience as an anachronism. They argue that the husband-wife relationship taught in Scripture is culturally conditioned and that the principle of submission was followed in Bible times to avoid scandalising the non-Christian community.

While some modern Christian women are embracing the wording once again, seeing it as a pledge of respect and unconditional support, others are outraged at the thought of a bride vowing obedience.

Why 'obey' is controversial

The word "obey" in wedding vows is rooted in centuries-old Christian beliefs and social rules. The inclusion of "obey" in wedding vows is based on the interpretation of passages from the Bible, specifically Ephesians 5:21-24 and First Peter 3:1. In these passages, wives are commanded to "submit" or be in "subjection" to their husbands, reflecting the idea that the husband is the "head" of the wife and the household.

However, as women gained greater freedoms and equality, the word "obey" in wedding vows has become increasingly controversial and viewed as offensive and misogynistic. Here are some reasons why:

Historical Context and Changing Gender Roles: The original wording of wedding vows, requiring women to obey their husbands, likely originated from ancient Roman society, where women were considered the property of their fathers and later their husbands. With time, women's rights movements and changing social norms challenged these traditional gender roles, granting women greater freedoms and equality. As a result, the word "obey" in wedding vows began to be seen as a symbol of female subservience and a relic of a patriarchal past.

Perception of Marital Equality: Many modern individuals view marriage as a partnership of equals, where both spouses maintain their individual identities and have mutual responsibilities to protect, cherish, and love each other. The inclusion of "obey" in wedding vows contradicts this notion of equality and mutual respect, suggesting that the wife should submit to the husband's authority and leadership.

Misinterpretation and Abuse: Some critics argue that the vow of obedience can be misinterpreted or used to justify abuse or unequal power dynamics in a marriage. While some interpret "obey" as a pledge of respect or trust, others see it as a sign of weakness or an expectation of unconditional submission. In extreme cases, the vow of obedience could be manipulated by abusive partners to exert control and justify their actions.

Religious Interpretation and Secularism: The inclusion of "obey" in wedding vows is primarily rooted in religious teachings, specifically Christian interpretations of biblical passages. However, not all couples share these religious beliefs, and the language of obedience may not align with their secular or non-religious views on marriage.

Gender Stereotypes and Equality: The expectation for women to vow obedience reinforces traditional gender stereotypes and implies that women are inherently inferior or less capable than men. This notion contradicts modern ideals of gender equality, where individuals are judged based on their merits and abilities rather than their gender.

While some couples still choose to include "obey" in their wedding vows, it is now generally viewed as a controversial and outdated practice. Couples opting for more modern interpretations of wedding vows often prefer to emphasise mutual love, respect, and equality in their marriage, rather than a hierarchical structure.

The meaning of 'obey' in modern times

The word "obey" in wedding vows has been a topic of controversy and debate for decades. While it may have been a common part of traditional Christian wedding vows, the inclusion of "obey" in modern times is often questioned and criticised. Here is an exploration of the meaning and implications of "obey" in the context of contemporary marriage:

Historical Context

The practice of including "obey" in wedding vows can be traced back to centuries-old Christian beliefs and social norms. In the past, particularly during the Middle Ages, women were often viewed as the property of their fathers and later their husbands. As such, the vow of obedience by the bride was seen as an extension of this patriarchal dynamic. The original wording of these vows likely originated with the ancient Romans and was later adopted by the Church of England in 1549 in its first Book of Common Prayer.

Biblical Justification

The inclusion of "obey" in wedding vows is often justified by citing specific Bible passages, such as Ephesians 5:21-24 and First Peter 3:1. These verses emphasise the concept of wives submitting to their husbands, mirroring the relationship between Christ and the Church. In Christian theology, the husband is considered the head of the household, with the wife expected to submit to his authority. This hierarchical structure is further reinforced by the Apostle Paul's teachings, which emphasise the priority of man's creation and Eve's role as Adam's helper.

Modern Interpretations and Criticisms

In modern times, the word "obey" in wedding vows has faced increasing scrutiny and criticism. With the advancements in women's rights and the emergence of more egalitarian societal values, the notion of a wife obeying her husband is often seen as outdated and offensive. Many modern women interpret the word "obey" as a symbol of submission and a loss of free will, which goes against the idea of marriage as an equal partnership. This interpretation has led to a decline in the use of "obey" in wedding vows, with couples opting for more inclusive and mutually respectful language.

However, it is worth noting that some Christian women are embracing the word "obey" in their wedding vows, viewing it as a pledge of respect and unconditional support for their husbands. They argue that this vow is not a sign of weakness but rather a demonstration of trust and commitment to the marital union. Additionally, some couples choose to degender the traditional vow, with both partners promising to "obey" each other, reflecting their commitment to equality and mutual responsibility.

Pastoral Perspectives

Pastors and marriage counsellors often regard the vow of obedience as an anachronism, acknowledging that the husband-wife relationship taught in Scripture is culturally conditioned. They argue that while submission to male authority may have been acceptable in Biblical times, modern societal norms call for a more egalitarian approach to marriage. Additionally, some pastors recognise the potential for abuse and cruelty if the vow of obedience is misinterpreted or misused. As a result, they emphasise the importance of premarital counselling to ensure a healthy understanding of marital roles and dynamics.

The meaning of "obey" in modern times has evolved significantly from its historical context. While it may have been a common part of traditional wedding vows, the word "obey" now carries negative connotations for many. The ongoing debate surrounding its inclusion in wedding vows reflects a broader societal shift towards gender equality and mutual respect in marital relationships. Ultimately, the decision to include or omit "obey" in wedding vows is a personal choice that should be made after careful consideration of its implications and alignment with the couple's values.

How to replace the word 'obey' in wedding vows

The word "obey" in wedding vows has been a topic of controversy, especially with the changing times and women gaining more rights and freedoms. The word "obey" in wedding vows is often associated with the idea of submission and subservience, which many modern couples find outdated and offensive.

If you are looking to replace the word "obey" in your wedding vows, here are some suggestions:

• "Cherish": This word emphasises the idea of mutual love, respect, and care for one another. It reflects the equality expected in the relationship and the couple's mutual responsibility to protect and honour each other.
• "Honour": Honour conveys a sense of esteem and admiration for your partner. By using this word, you are pledging to value and respect your spouse above all others.
• "Support": Using "support" instead of "obey" signifies your commitment to uphold and strengthen your partner and your relationship. It indicates that you will be there for your spouse through thick and thin, offering emotional and practical support.
• "Respect": Respect is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. By choosing this word, you are promising to value your partner's wishes, opinions, and boundaries. It conveys a sense of mutual trust and esteem.
• "Submit": While similar to "obey", the word "submit" can indicate a mutual willingness to yield to each other's wishes and work together as a team. This word may be preferable if you want to maintain the traditional meaning of the vow while softening the language.
• "Uphold": Choosing "uphold" reflects your dedication to maintaining the values of your relationship and vows. It signifies your commitment to honouring the promises made during your wedding ceremony.

Remember, wedding vows are deeply personal, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach. You can also write your own vows or modify traditional ones to ensure they align with your beliefs and values as a couple. Discuss with your partner what words resonate with both of you and feel free to get creative to make your vows meaningful and representative of your unique bond.

The history of wedding vows

In the 11th century, marriage became more political, and arranged marriages became common. In 1140, the Benedictine monk Gratian created his canon law textbook, Decretum Gratian, which required the consent and consummation of the couple to make a marriage official.

The first mention of marriage vows was in the Medieval Church in England. A prayer book written in 1549 with various marriage vow examples inspired the traditional phrases many couples still use today. The Book of Common Prayer, compiled by the Church of England, included the vow of obedience, based on Ephesians 5:22 and First Peter 3:1, where wives are commanded to be in subjection to their husbands. The Church of England offered couples a choice: the couple could promise each other to "love and cherish", or the groom could promise to "love, cherish, and worship", while the bride pledged to "love, cherish, and obey".

The word "obey" in wedding vows has its roots in centuries-old Christian beliefs and social rules, where women were viewed as the property of their fathers and then their husbands. As women gained greater freedoms, particularly during the women's suffragist movement in the early 20th century, the word became controversial and was dropped from many wedding vows.

Today, the inclusion of "obey" in wedding vows is a personal choice, with some couples choosing to interpret it as a pledge of respect and unconditional support, rather than submission. Others opt to remove it altogether or use gender-neutral vows to reflect the equality expected in the relationship.

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