Tying The Knot, Tying Your Hearts Together: Crafting Gay Wedding Vows

Writing your own gay wedding vows can be challenging, as many traditional vows are heteronormative and may not reflect your identity or relationship. However, this also means that as a queer or trans couple, you have the freedom to craft vows that truly represent you and your partner.

- Dive into your research: While there are some great online resources specifically for LGBT wedding vows, you might also want to look beyond these. Try searching through your favourite books, love song lyrics, or rom-coms for inspiration.

- Write for your partner, not the crowd: Focus on the specific things you love about your partner to make your vows more personal. Don't be afraid to include humour if that's something you both enjoy.

- Don't procrastinate: Start drafting your vows early and give yourself time to edit and refine them. You don't want to be writing them the night before the wedding!

- Get help if you need it: If you're stuck, reach out to recently married friends or relatives, or your wedding officiant, for advice or inspiration.

- Consider pre-written vows: If you're not confident writing your own vows, it's totally fine to use pre-written ones and tweak them to make them more personal and LGBT-inclusive.

Draw inspiration from books, songs, and films

When it comes to writing your wedding vows, it can be a daunting task to get all your emotions down on paper. A great place to start is to look at the books, songs, and films that are special to you and your partner.

Songs

Songs are a great source of inspiration for your wedding vows as they are often filled with romantic and emotional lyrics. If you and your partner have a special song, this could be a great place to start.

For example, the song "Grow Old With You" by Adam Sandler includes the lyrics:

> "I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad

> Carry you around when your arthritis is bad

> All I wanna do is grow old with you

> I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches

> Build you a fire if the furnace breaks

> Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

> I'll miss you

> Kiss you

> Give you my coat when you are cold

> Need you

> Feed you

> Even let ya hold the remote control

> So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink

> Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink

> And I'll grow old with you."

You could draw inspiration from these lyrics and make a vow such as: "I promise to always be there for you, to care for you when you are unwell, and to grow old with you."

Films

Watching romantic films can also be a great way to get inspired for your wedding vows. For example, the following quote from "A Streetcar Named Desire" by Tennessee Williams could spark some ideas:

> "What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through mountains."

This quote could inspire a vow such as: "My love for you is a journey through the mountains, full of twists and turns, but always leading back to you."

Books

Books are another great source of inspiration, as they often contain beautiful and romantic quotes that can be adapted into wedding vows. For example, the following quote from "Wild Awake" by Hilary T. Smith has been used in wedding ceremonies:

> "People are like cities: We all have alleys and gardens and secret rooftops and places where daisies sprout between the sidewalk cracks, but most of the time, all we let each other see is a postcard glimpse of a skyline or a polished square. Love lets you find those hidden places in another person, even the ones they didn’t know were there, even the ones they wouldn’t have thought to call beautiful themselves."

This quote could inspire a vow such as: "I promise to always explore and discover new things about you, and to love all the hidden parts of you."

Combining Sources

You can also combine elements from different sources to create unique and personalised vows. For example, you could incorporate a quote from a book into your vows, such as this quote from "The Art of Marriage" by Wilferd Arlan Peterson:

> "Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens. A good marriage must be created."

And then add in your own personal promises, such as: "I promise to always work on our marriage and to create a happy and loving partnership."

No matter what sources you draw inspiration from, the most important thing is to speak from the heart and write vows that truly reflect your love for your partner.

Write for your partner, not the crowd

Writing your own wedding vows is a tremendous undertaking. You might feel the pressure to perfectly and authentically capture your love, hopes, and promises. While some choose to utter traditional vows, others decide to write personalised messages to their future spouse. Composing your own wedding vows gives you the opportunity to create promises that resonate with you, vocalise your love and hopes in front of your friends and family, and provide a deeper look at your love story.

Be Yourself

Your wedding vows don't have to sound or read like traditional marriage vows; you could write an essay, a sonnet, or even rap them if that's what is going to mean the most to you. Vows should sound like you, especially when you're making promises to your partner. On this day of all days, you shouldn't sound like someone else, so write vows that matter to you and feel authentic.

Start Well in Advance

Throughout your wedding planning journey, keep your personalised wedding vows in mind. Think about which stories you'll want to share and promises you'll want to make. Make sure you have a final copy at least three weeks before your big day.

Discuss Your Expectations

Before writing your vows, consult your partner about your expectations. Plan to come to a consensus about the length of your vows, when you'll recite them, who will say them first, the tone, and how personal you intend to make them.

Keep it Simple

Your vows can say so much with so little. Pick the most important details, such as the first time you met or when you said "I love you". Aim for your vows to last about one minute or less per person.

Make it Meaningful

Your wedding vows are a chance to express your feelings and make promises to your partner. Include the tough times in your relationship to make your vows more meaningful and honest. For example, "I promise to be your guiding light in the darkness, a warming comfort in the cold, and a shoulder to lean on when life is too much to bear on your own."

Write and Edit

Jot down all of your thoughts about your partner and relationship. Beginning with a brain dump will allow your feelings to flow freely. After you get everything on paper, highlight your favourite items and use them in the final copy. It's best to decide on your overall tone before you put pen to paper, but make sure to go back over your words and refine the tone you want to achieve.

Practice

Not only will practising help with your delivery, but it's also an important part of the editing process. Practising will help you gauge whether your promises are clear and complete. Read your vows out loud to make sure they flow easily and watch out for tongue twisters and run-on sentences.

Avoid procrastination

Writing your own wedding vows can be a daunting task, and it's easy to put it off until the last minute. But procrastinating on this important part of your wedding ceremony will only add to your stress. Here are some tips to help you avoid procrastination and write your gay wedding vows with confidence:

Start Early

Don't wait until the night before your wedding to start writing your vows. Give yourself ample time to brainstorm, draft, and edit your vows. This will allow you to create meaningful vows that truly reflect your relationship. Aim to finalize your vows at least a few days before your wedding, so you have time to practice and make any last-minute adjustments.

Get Inspired

If you're not sure where to start, seek inspiration from various sources. Attend weddings or watch wedding videos to listen to different styles of vows. Take note of what resonates with you and what doesn't. You can also check with your officiant, who may have templates or examples that you can use as a starting point. Additionally, pay attention to your favourite books, movies, songs, or poems for quotes or passages that speak to your relationship.

Remember Why You're Getting Married

Wedding planning can be stressful, and it's easy to get caught up in the details. Take some time to reflect on your relationship and why you're choosing to spend your life with your partner. Think about the happy, funny, and sweet moments you've shared. Write them down in a notebook or on your phone so you can refer back to them when writing your vows. These memories will help you infuse your vows with authenticity and emotion.

Conquer Writer's Block

Don't get discouraged if you hit a wall while writing your vows. Take a break and come back to it later. Free-writing can also help get your thoughts flowing without the pressure of perfection. Write down anything that comes to mind, and you can always edit and refine later. Remember, you don't have to be a wordsmith to create meaningful vows. Focus on expressing your love and commitment to your partner in your own unique way.

Make it a Priority

Add writing your vows to your list of wedding planning tasks and treat it with the same importance as other items on your to-do list. Set aside dedicated time to work on your vows and minimize distractions during that time. Break the task into smaller steps, such as brainstorming ideas, drafting, editing, and practicing. This will make the process feel more manageable and help you stay on track.

Seek Help if Needed

If you're feeling overwhelmed or stuck, don't hesitate to ask for help. Discuss your vows with your partner or a close friend. They can provide valuable feedback and support. You can also consider hiring a professional vow writer or using online resources and templates to guide you through the process. Remember, the key is to start early and give yourself the time and space to create vows that truly reflect your love.

Consult friends, relatives, and experts

When it comes to writing your own wedding vows, friends, relatives, and experts can be a great source of inspiration and guidance. Here are some tips on how to consult them effectively:

Friends and Relatives

If you're feeling stuck or need some extra insight, don't hesitate to reach out to your friends and relatives, especially those who have recently tied the knot themselves. They can offer valuable wisdom and advice based on their own experiences. You can borrow ideas from their vows or use them as inspiration to craft your own unique pledges. It's also a good idea to involve your wedding party in the process. They can provide a different perspective and help you tailor your vows to reflect your relationship authentically.

Experts

Your wedding officiant or celebrant is another valuable resource. They have likely officiated numerous weddings and can offer guidance on writing inclusive and personalised vows. They may also have basic templates or examples that you can use as a starting point. Additionally, consider reaching out to professionals like vow coaches or ceremony planners. They specialise in helping couples craft meaningful and personalised vows that capture the essence of their relationship. Their expertise can be invaluable in ensuring your vows are heartfelt and authentic.

Other Sources of Inspiration

In addition to seeking advice from friends, relatives, and experts, you can find inspiration in various forms of media. Scour your favourite books for romantic passages, scroll through love song lyrics, or watch romantic comedies to get ideas from seasoned writers. You can also look for pre-written or sample vows online, keeping in mind that you may need to tweak them to make them more inclusive and reflective of your relationship.

Be authentic and representative of your identity and relationship

Writing your own wedding vows is a great way to make your ceremony more intimate, authentic, and memorable. It allows you to express your feelings for one another and reveal the depth of your relationship in front of friends and family. Here are some tips to help you write gay wedding vows that are authentic and representative of your identity and relationship:

Reflect on your "why"

Ask yourself questions such as: Why do you love this person so much? How has this person made you a better person? What can you do to encourage their dreams in the future? Reflecting on these questions will help you dig deeper and find the words that capture your unique feelings.

Include personal anecdotes

If you're stuck on finding the right words to convey your love, share personal anecdotes that are meaningful to you as a couple and capture the essence of your relationship. These can be heartfelt, humorous, or a mix of both!

Draw inspiration from your identity

As a queer or trans couple, you have the freedom to craft wedding vows that represent your identity and relationship without worrying too much about tradition. For example, you can modify traditional vows to make them more inclusive and representative of your relationship, such as by using gender-neutral terms like "partner" or "life partner" instead of "husband" or "wife."

Be mindful of timing

Don't wait until the last minute to start writing your vows. These are important promises you're making, and you'll want to have a few days to sit with them before saying them aloud. Give yourself enough time to reflect, write, and edit your vows so that they truly represent you and your relationship.

Seek inspiration

If you're feeling stuck, draw inspiration from weddings you've attended, wedding videos, your officiant, or even your favourite love quotes, spiritual texts, movie lines, etc. Exposing yourself to different styles and sources of inspiration can help you figure out what resonates with you and your partner.

Frequently asked questions