Planning A Wedding: Inviting Relatives Successfully

Planning a wedding can be stressful, especially when it comes to creating your guest list. The number of people you invite will impact every aspect of your wedding planning, from the venue to your budget. Family dynamics can be tricky to navigate, and it's essential to consider your relationships with your relatives and whether their presence will contribute to a joyful celebration. While it may be challenging, it is possible to exclude certain relatives from your guest list without causing offence. Here are some tips to help you navigate this potentially sticky situation and ensure your wedding day is a happy and positive experience for you and your partner.

How to address the wedding invitations

The traditional wedding invitation has an outer mailing envelope, which contains the mailing address, postage, and return address, and an inner envelope. The inner envelope is printed with only the recipients' names and contains all the pieces of the invitation suite. When two envelopes are involved, the outer envelope is addressed more formally, while the inner envelope is slightly more casual and frequently incorporates first names.

If you choose to send wedding invitations without an inner envelope, which is more common nowadays, simply focus on properly addressing the outer envelope.

• Married Couple with the Same Last Name: Traditionally, the man's full name is written out, with the titles "Mr. and Mrs." included. You can also opt to include both first names individually. For a same-sex couple, either name can go first.
• Married Couple with Different Last Names: For married couples with different last names, simply write out their full names with "Mr." or "Mrs." on the stationery. Either the man or woman can be mentioned first. For same-sex couples, the same format applies.
• Married Couple with One Hyphenated Last Name: In this case, the invitation should be addressed using the following format: "Mr. [First Name] [Last Name] and Mr. [First Name] [Hyphenated Last Name]".
• Unmarried Couple: Invitations to an unmarried couple living at the same address are addressed to both people on one line. List the person whom you are closest to first.
• Single Female: Use "Ms." if she is over 18. If she is younger, "Miss" is acceptable. If a single female has been given a plus one, you don't need to indicate this on the outer envelope; reserve "and guest" for the inner envelope.
• Single Male: Use "Mr." if he is over 18. Otherwise, no title is necessary. If a single male has been offered a plus one, don't indicate this on the outer envelope; reserve "and guest" for the inner envelope.
• Married Couple When One Person Is a Doctor: If the combined names are too long to fit on one line, list them separately. Spell out "Doctor" on the outer envelope and abbreviate it on the inner envelope.
• Married Couple When Both People Are Doctors: In this case, it is proper to use "The Doctors."
• Couple With Other Distinguished Titles: Apply the same rules for military personnel, judges, reverends, etc., as you would for doctors. If both titles don't fit on one line, indent the second line. And remember that whichever half of the couple "outranks" the other goes first, regardless of gender.
• Family, Including Children: When inviting an entire family, the family name or the parents' names should be listed alone, and everyone can be included on the inside. When including female children under 18, address them with "Miss."
• Casual Weddings: You might be tempted to just use first names or first and last names without titles for a casual wedding. While this isn't traditional, it may be appropriate if the vibe is very informal, such as a backyard barbecue.

Who to invite

When it comes to deciding who to invite to your wedding, it's important to remember that it's your special day, and you can choose to invite whoever you want. Here are some things to consider when deciding whether to invite certain relatives:

• The nature of your relationship: If you have relatives you are not close to, or those who don't support your relationship, it's perfectly fine to not invite them to your wedding. This includes relatives who speak badly about your relationship or don't get along with your partner.
• Family dynamics and potential drama: If a relative has had a falling out with you or other family members, consider whether their presence might cause tension or become a source of negative energy on your big day. You don't want to spend your wedding worrying about their behaviour or their impact on other guests.
• Your comfort and happiness: Ask yourself how you and your partner would feel about having certain relatives at your wedding. If you wouldn't invite them to your home or a family gathering, you are not obliged to invite them to your wedding. It's important that you are surrounded by people who love and support you.
• Venue and budget constraints: If you're worried about offending certain relatives, you can always blame venue capacity limits or budget constraints for your inability to invite them.

If you decide not to invite certain relatives, you can simply choose not to send them an invitation. If they ask for an explanation, be honest about your reasons, or cite budget or venue constraints. Remember, it's your wedding, and you are allowed to do it on your terms.

Who not to invite

When it comes to your wedding, it's important to remember that it's your day and you should feel comfortable with whoever you choose to invite. Budget, venue size, and other restrictions may also impact your guest list. Here are some tips on who not to invite to your wedding:

People Who Could Bring or Cause Drama

It's best to avoid inviting anyone who could cause drama or family conflict on your special day. This includes individuals who are quick-tempered, prone to starting fights, or always trying to steal the show. If you have a relative who falls into this category, it's better to leave them off the guest list. If you feel that their presence is unavoidable, ensure your wedding planner and venue are aware of the situation so they can help manage it.

Someone Who Will Start a Fight

Similar to the previous point, it's advisable not to invite anyone who is prone to starting fights, especially if alcohol is involved. If you have a relative or friend who is quick-tempered and easily influenced by alcohol, it's best to have a conversation with them beforehand about your expectations. If you don't feel comfortable with this, it's better to leave them off the guest list.

People Who Aren't Supportive of Your Marriage

If you have acquaintances or even family members who don't approve of your union, there is no need to invite them to your wedding. This includes people who speak badly about your relationship or are not rooting for your happiness. Your wedding day should be filled with loved ones who are excited and happy for you, not those who judge or spread negative energy.

People You Don't Really Care About Inviting

If you are questioning whether or not to invite someone, or feel obligated to do so, it's probably best to leave them off the guest list. Your wedding day should be surrounded by people you genuinely want to be there, not those you feel indifferent about.

Co-workers You're Not Friends With

While you may feel tempted to invite your co-workers, especially if you spend a lot of time with them, it's not necessary to include everyone. Only invite co-workers you are actually friends with and see socially outside of work. Keep wedding talk to a minimum at the office and limit posts about the wedding on social media to avoid any hurt feelings.

Remember, it's your wedding day, and you should be surrounded by people who make you happy and support your union. Don't feel obligated to invite anyone out of guilt or pressure.

How to tell people they are not invited

Deciding who to invite to your wedding can be a tough task, and it is natural to worry about how to tell people they are not invited. Here are some tips on how to do it:

Be honest and straightforward

It is important to be honest, straightforward, and mindful of people's feelings when telling them they are not invited to your wedding. Be gentle and remember that their disappointment stems from a place of love. It is okay to set boundaries and have a limited guest list.

Blame it on the budget and venue constraints

Most people understand that weddings can be expensive. Explain that you had to trim the guest list due to budget constraints or the limited capacity of your venue. You can say something like, "We're sticking to a small guest list due to budget constraints, so we hope you'll understand. But we'd love to grab dinner with you soon to catch up!"

Explain the intimate nature of the wedding

If you are having an intimate wedding with only close family and friends, let people know that you are keeping the event small. You can say, "We're keeping our wedding very small, strictly close family and friends. I'll be sure to fill you in and show you photos once I return from my honeymoon."

Keep conversations about the guest list to a minimum

It is important to be mindful and not talk too much about wedding planning in front of those who are not invited. Avoid accidentally inviting someone verbally by saying things like, "Oh, you should come!" Be discrete about your big day to make it easier to handle these tough conversations.

Suggest alternative ways to celebrate

If there are several people you cannot include, consider hosting a post-wedding celebration, such as a backyard potluck or cocktail party. This way, you can invite those who missed your wedding and celebrate with them afterward.

Remember, it is your wedding, and you can invite whoever you want. Be compassionate, listen to people's feelings, and stay confident in your decision.

How to interact with difficult family members on the day

It's normal to have some family members that you find difficult to get along with, and this can be especially challenging when it comes to your wedding day. Here are some strategies to help you interact with difficult family members and minimise the chances of drama:

Before the Wedding

It's important to recognise that some people are toxic and can cause serious harm or emotional pain. If you have a toxic family member, consider the following steps:

• Set boundaries: Verbally set boundaries with the guest ahead of time and let them know what you expect from them.
• Seat them carefully: Assign them a seat that is less likely to cause problems.
• Inform the bartenders: Warn the bartenders about the possibility of issues with this guest.
• Communicate with the DJ: Let the DJ know if certain people should be avoided for speeches or limited in microphone time.
• Involve your wedding planner: If you have one, go over the guest list in detail with your wedding planner so they can help you avoid potential issues.
• Be confident: Feel confident in your needs and wants for your wedding day. Communicate and set boundaries with controlling family members.
• Find emotional support: Lean on your friends or other family members for support. Let your closest friends know about your concerns beforehand so they can be prepared to help.

During the Wedding

• Manage your stress: Prioritise de-stressing before and after interacting with a difficult family member. Use stress relief techniques like meditation, going for a walk, journaling, or chatting with a close friend.
• Excuse yourself: If you start to feel stressed during the event, don't hesitate to take a break and excuse yourself from the room.
• Ground yourself: Use your senses to ground yourself in the moment. Take a deep breath of fresh air, pet a friendly animal, or hum a tune to yourself.
• Stay active: If you tend to freeze when stressed, try doing some stretches, swaying to background music, or jogging in place to burn off tension.
• Set and maintain boundaries: Talk to your partner and set limits on how long you will spend time with difficult family members. Also, set boundaries on conversation topics that may cause arguments.
• Build emotional intelligence: Improve your ability to understand, manage, and express your emotions. This can positively impact your family relationships and your overall mental health.
• Use conflict resolution skills: Manage stress, be aware of your emotions and the other person's emotions, and prioritise resolution over winning the argument.
• Limit expectations: Accept that some people's viewpoints or priorities may never align with yours, and focus on other relationships that bring you joy.

Remember, your wedding day is about you and your partner. Take the necessary steps to ensure it is a positive and memorable experience for both of you.

Frequently asked questions