Deborah Chan
Same-sex marriage, also known as gay marriage, is the marriage of two people of the same legal sex. As of 2025, same-sex marriage is legally recognised in 38 countries, with a total population of 1.5 billion people. The ceremony is the heart of the wedding day, and there are some unique etiquette rules for same-sex weddings. For example, same-sex couples may choose to use gender-neutral terms, while others will prefer gendered terms. Ultimately, the couple's commitment to each other is the most important aspect of the wedding, not their sexual orientation or gender.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Legal recognition | As of 2025, same-sex marriage is legally recognised in 38 countries, with a total population of 1.5 billion people (20% of the world's population). Notable exceptions include Italy, Japan, South Korea and the Czech Republic. |
| Terminology | Same-sex weddings are also referred to as gay weddings, same-gender weddings, or LGBTQ+ weddings. However, some consider the term "gay wedding" to be less legitimate or inclusive. |
| Wedding planning | Same-sex weddings can involve two brides, two grooms, or other designations. Couples may approach gendered aspects differently, such as walking down the aisle together or separately. |
| Wedding ceremony | The ceremony can include traditional elements such as vows, ring exchange, and a kiss. Creative alternatives to "You may now kiss the bride" are often used. Readings and rituals may be incorporated to symbolise love, commitment, and the couple's identities. |
| Equality and inclusivity | The legal recognition and celebration of same-sex weddings promote equality and inclusivity. Social science research indicates that excluding same-sex couples from marriage can lead to stigmatisation and discrimination. |
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Etiquette rules
- Avoid referring to the event as a "gay wedding" or a "gay marriage" unless the couple has specifically requested that you do so. Instead, simply call it a “wedding” or a "marriage".
- Do not assume that one partner will take on the role of the "bride" and the other the "groom". There may be two brides, two grooms, or neither.
- If you are unsure how to refer to the couple, politely ask them. During the wedding, you can also listen out for clues from the couple and the officiant, such as whether they introduce each other as "wife" and "husband" or "partner" and "partner".
- When addressing correspondence to the newly married couple, be mindful that same-sex couples may choose to use one of the partners' names, hyphenate the name, choose a new name, or keep their original names.
- Do not wear white unless specifically instructed to do so.
- Decide whether you would like your wedding to be referred to as a “same-sex wedding” or a “same-gender wedding”. If you would prefer it to be called a "wedding", without any qualifiers, communicate this to your guests.
- Decide whether you would like to incorporate gendered traditions, such as wearing a veil, and adapt them to fit your gender identity if you wish. For example, you could wear a veil in the colours of your gender identity.
- Decide whether you would like to include gendered terms in your ceremony, such as "wife" and "husband", or whether you would prefer to use gender-neutral terms, such as "partner" and "spouse".
- If you would like to include a kiss in your ceremony, consider whether you would like this to be a private moment or whether you are happy for it to take place in front of your guests.
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Readings and vows
Readings
When choosing readings, couples may opt for something romantic, like a love poem, or something more light-hearted and funny. Readings can be selected from literature, films, songs, or even the Internet. It is essential to choose something that reflects the couple's taste and life situation. For instance, a couple may want to include traditional, spiritual, or religious elements, such as Bible readings, hymns, or prayers. On the other hand, they may prefer a non-religious ceremony with contemporary readings.
> "The future belongs to hearts even more than it does to minds. Love, that is the only thing that can occupy and fill eternity. In the infinite, the inexhaustible is requisite. Love participates in the soul itself. It is of the same nature. Like it, it is the divine spark; like it, it is incorruptible, indivisible, imperishable."
> "Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be the shelter for the other. Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be the warmth to the other. Now there is no more loneliness. Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you."
> "What is REAL? asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. 'Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?' 'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When someone loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'"
Vows
Writing personalised vows is a great way to make the ceremony unique and heartfelt. Couples can modify traditional vows or write their own entirely to reflect their flaws, strengths, and the realistic promises they want to make to each other. For example, a couple may want to include references to their relationship and orientation, as subtly or boldly as they wish.
> "I give you this ring, that you may wear it as a symbol of the vows we have made today. I pledge you my love, my respect, my laughter, and my tears. With all that I am, I honour you. Now may those who wear these rings live in love all their days."
> "I choose you to be my husband/wife/life partner, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, to love and to cherish, and to be faithful to you alone. This is my solemn vow."
> "You are my chosen family, my better half, and my home. It’s my absolute privilege to be able to walk beside you for the rest of our days. And I want to spend our journey together, proving every single step of the way that I’m worthy of your love. I love you, forever and always."
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Rings
Wedding ring exchanges have been a part of wedding ceremonies for thousands of years, across all sorts of religions and cultures. The tradition has evolved over time, from Egyptian couples exchanging rings made of hemp or reeds, to the use of iron and precious metals in other cultures.
In a same-sex wedding, the ring exchange is no different. It is still a symbol of the couple's commitment to each other. The couple should decide who will hold and keep the wedding rings during the ceremony. In a traditional ceremony, the best man is the ring keeper, but same-sex couples may choose to give one ring to the best man and the other to the maid of honour, or even have their dog bring the rings forward with them tied to their collar.
The couple should also decide where the ring exchange will take place in the ceremony. They may choose to wear their engagement ring on their right hand and have their partner place the wedding ring on their left, or they may choose to join their engagement and wedding rings together. Some couples prefer to have a regular ring exchange, followed by a reading about the meaning of the engagement ring and a blessing, before the wedding band is placed on their finger.
There are many ways to incorporate rings into a same-sex wedding, and the couple can choose to make it as unique and personal as they wish.
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Rituals and traditions
Same-sex weddings, like any other wedding, are about a couple's commitment to each other. The rituals and traditions of a same-sex wedding are therefore largely similar to those of any wedding. However, there are some unique traditions that same-sex couples may choose to incorporate into their wedding ceremonies.
One such tradition is the sand ceremony, where each partner pours a layer of differently coloured sand into a container, representing their separate lives before the wedding. They then simultaneously pour the same coloured sand into the container, sealing it to symbolise their union. The sand can be chosen to represent the couple's gender identity or sexuality, or it can come from a beach or river that holds a special meaning for them.
Another tradition is the infinity knot ceremony, where the couple ties an infinity knot with braided rainbow rope or leather in colours that represent their gender identity or sexuality.
Some couples may also choose to incorporate the traditional elements of "something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue" into their wedding. "Something old" represents continuity, "something new" represents optimism for the future, "something borrowed" brings good luck, and "something blue" symbolises love, purity, and fidelity.
The exchanging of rings is another ritual that symbolises the couple's commitment and vows to each other.
Finally, same-sex weddings often involve readings that express love and joy. For example, a reading from the Bible by St. Paul: "Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs, but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, love never gives up...".
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Choosing an officiant
Religious or Secular?
The first step is to decide whether you want a religious or secular ceremony. If you or your partner belongs to a religious community, this should be your first stop in finding an accepting officiant. You could also consider a rabbi, minister, priest, or other religious clergy who are totally accepting of your relationship and will properly honour your marriage. If you go down this route, you may be able to take advantage of pre-marital counselling.
If you are having a secular ceremony, you might consider a friend or family member who has received ordination online. You could also look for an officiant who is a professional celebrant, such as a humanist celebrant.
Location
If you are getting married outside of your home territory, it is important to find someone who is authorised to officiate your ceremony in that place. It will also be helpful to find an officiant who is familiar with the regional laws of that territory, as they may vary slightly.
Inclusivity
Your officiant should be totally welcoming and supportive of you and your partner. You can find this out by being upfront about your intentions to host a same-sex wedding ceremony and asking whether the officiant has officiated a same-sex wedding before. If they haven't, this doesn't have to be a deal-breaker, but you may need to educate them about your requirements beforehand.
Communication
Good communication between the couple and the officiant is key. You should feel comfortable discussing your requirements with the officiant and asking any questions you have. You might want to ask for references from previous couples, to get an idea of their style and approach.
Social distancing
If you are planning a wedding during the Covid-19 pandemic, you will need to find an officiant who is comfortable with social distancing and able to offer remote services. Discuss possible arrangements with your officiant and be sure to follow local guidelines.
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Frequently asked questions
A same-sex wedding, also known as a gay marriage, is the marriage of two people of the same legal sex.
As of 2025, marriage between same-sex couples is legally performed and recognised in 38 countries, with a total population of 1.5 billion people (20% of the world's population). Notable countries that do not legally recognise same-sex marriage include Italy, Japan, South Korea and the Czech Republic.
Rituals and traditions for same-sex weddings are similar to those for straight weddings. Some unique rituals include the couple choosing to tie an infinity knot with braided rainbow rope or braided leather in the colours that represent their gender identity or sexuality. Another ritual is for the couple to pour sand from their individual lives into a container, before pouring the same coloured sand together to represent their unity.
It is important to remember that a same-sex wedding is a wedding. There is no need to emphasise the sexual orientation or gender of the couple unless they specifically request it. It is also important to be inclusive and respectful of the couple's preferences.
It is important to be respectful and mindful of the couple's preferences. For example, avoid wearing white unless specifically told to do so. It is also good to be mindful of the language used to refer to the couple, as some couples may want to move away from gendered terms.
