Big, Small, Or None At All: Why A Lavish Wedding Isn't Always Best

There are many reasons why someone might not want a big wedding. For some, the prospect of exchanging vows in front of a large group of people is anxiety-inducing. Others may be concerned about the financial burden of a large wedding, or feel that the money could be better spent on other things, such as a house or travelling. Some may not be interested in the stress and pressure of planning a big event, or feel that a large wedding is not in line with their values or personality. In addition, some may not want to deal with family pressure or the expectations of others. Ultimately, the decision about whether or not to have a big wedding is a personal one, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach.

It's too expensive

There are many reasons why you might not want a big wedding, and one of the most common reasons is the cost. Weddings are expensive, and the price tag of the average wedding is comparable to a house deposit. While some people may have no regrets about spending a large sum of money on their wedding, for others, it is simply not feasible or desirable.

One of the main reasons weddings are so expensive is that they are not just a party. The level of service, quality of products, materials used, and time taken to provide what you want for a wedding is much greater than for a typical party. For example, a wedding bouquet is not just a bunch of flowers; it involves consultations, email exchanges, and creating a bouquet with many different flower varieties, made to your exact specifications. This level of customisation and attention to detail adds to the cost.

Another factor contributing to the high cost of weddings is the scale. When you consider the cost of wining and dining a large number of guests, as well as paying for a band, photographer, and other elements, the expenses quickly add up. It is important to remember that you are not just paying for a venue, but also for the time and expertise of the people involved, such as photographers, caterers, and musicians.

In addition, weddings are time-consuming, and many people involved in the wedding industry, such as photographers and dressmakers, put in a significant amount of time behind the scenes. This includes consultations, preparation, and follow-up. Their expertise and time are valuable, and this is reflected in the cost.

While it may be tempting to cut costs by asking friends or family to help, hiring professionals can provide peace of mind. Professionals have the experience, equipment, and skills to deliver a high-quality service and can handle any issues or problems that may arise.

Finally, it is important to be realistic about your budget. Understand what is achievable within your budget and be prepared to make compromises or adjustments. By setting a realistic budget and doing your research, you can allocate your funds effectively and feel more comfortable with your spending.

Ultimately, the decision about the size and cost of your wedding is a personal one. If you don't want a big wedding because of the expense, there are alternative options, such as having a smaller, more intimate celebration or even eloping.

It's too stressful

Planning a wedding can be stressful, and it's normal to feel overwhelmed by the process. Here are some reasons why it can be too stressful to plan a big wedding:

Planning Takes Over Your Life

Planning a wedding can be all-consuming, and it's easy to neglect self-care, hobbies, and social activities. It's important to maintain a healthy balance and ensure that wedding planning fits into your life, rather than taking over.

Trying to Do It All

It's essential to delegate tasks and ask for help from your partner, bridal party, family, and friends. Trying to manage everything yourself can lead to burnout and make the process even more stressful.

Unrealistic Expectations

It's important to manage your expectations and accept that your wedding may not be perfect. Aim for excellence rather than perfection, and be prepared for unexpected bumps along the way.

Family Dynamics and Pleasing Others

Dealing with family dynamics and trying to please everyone can be challenging. Open communication, setting boundaries, and managing expectations are crucial to navigating these relationships.

Budget Constraints and Financial Stress

Creating a budget and sticking to it can be stressful, especially when costs can be unpredictable. Educating yourself about the market and specific costs can help set more realistic expectations.

Time Management

Planning a wedding requires effective time management. Breaking down the process into smaller, more manageable tasks and creating a detailed schedule can help reduce stress and increase productivity.

Self-Care and Wellbeing

It's important to prioritize self-care and maintain a healthy lifestyle during the planning process. Stress can have physical and mental health impacts, so taking care of yourself and seeking support when needed is crucial.

Conflict and Relationship Strain

Wedding planning can put a strain on your relationship with your partner and others. It's important to address conflict and maintain open communication. Scheduling date nights or activities that foster connection can help strengthen your bond during this stressful time.

Remember, it's normal to feel stressed during wedding planning, but it's important to manage your wellbeing, relationships, and expectations.

I want to keep the wedding private

Keeping your wedding private is a great way to ensure that your special day is intimate and focused on you and your partner. Here are some tips to help you plan a private wedding:

Managing Expectations

It can be challenging to have a small wedding without hurting some feelings. Be prepared to explain to offended guests that you love and appreciate their support, but you have to stick to your plans and budget. Be compassionate and apologetic, and let them know that their presence and support are valuable to you, even if they cannot attend.

Creating Your Guest List

Use a tier system to determine your numbers. Start with a list of must-haves, including close family members. Then, create a second tier of people you would like to invite, such as friends and close coworkers. The third tier includes individuals you should invite but don't need to, like distant cousins and family acquaintances.

Picking a Venue and Date

When choosing a ceremony and reception location, consider the travel time and inconvenience between the two. Don't shy away from visiting various locations, such as gardens, churches, or halls, to find the perfect spot for your intimate celebration. Ensure that the venue can accommodate your guest list; a venue for several hundred people may not be suitable for a small wedding.

Sending Out Invitations

Address the invitations only to the intended guests. For example, if you're not inviting children, address the invite to "Mr. & Mrs. Smith." Include clear RSVP instructions, such as the deadline and how to respond. Stay on top of your RSVP list to manage the number of guests effectively.

Dealing with Family Dynamics

If your mother has different dreams for your wedding, try to find compromises. For instance, you can accommodate her requests in exchange for limiting the guest list in other areas. If she feels embarrassed by the short guest list, allow her to blame it on you, saying that your "obscene wedding plans are out of her control."

Planning and Budgeting

Consider using a wedding planner to help navigate difficult conversations with in-laws and parents and diffuse tense situations. Create a wedding budget based on your savings and how much more you can set aside. Be flexible and rework the numbers as needed. Ask for help from your parents or family, but be cautious of conditional contributions that may give them decision-making power.

Delegating Tasks

Delegate tasks to your wedding party and your fiancé. Ask friends and family to help with tasks that match their interests and skills. For example, a friend who loves cooking can join you for food tasting, while a creative pal can assist with decorations.

Catering and Entertainment

Choose catering and entertainment options that you and your partner enjoy. Be cautious of selecting foods that guests may be sensitive to, and recruit a team to sample foods to ensure there's something for everyone. Know the rules of your municipality and venue regarding alcohol permits and requirements for bartenders and servers.

Enjoying Your Special Day

Remember to relax and enjoy your wedding day. Mingle with your guests, indulge in the food and drinks, and don't stress over small details. Select a male and female host to deal with any social faux pas, so you can focus on celebrating with your loved ones.

I don't want to be the centre of attention

If you don't want to be the centre of attention at your wedding, you're not alone. Many people dread the idea of a wedding with all eyes on them, even if they're excited to marry their partner.

One option is to elope or have a very small guest list with only your closest friends and family in attendance. However, this may not be practical, especially if your partner has always dreamed of a large celebration.

During the Ceremony:

• Keep the ceremony short and sweet.
• Let the officiant do most of the talking. You can opt for a "repeat after me" format for your vows or have the officiant read them out with you responding "I do" at the appropriate time.
• If you don't want to skip walking down the aisle, consider having both your parents (or two important people in your life) escort you, acting as a shield from your guests.

During the Reception:

• Instead of a grand entrance, quietly join your guests during cocktail hour and take your seats together.
• Sit at a head table with your new spouse and other members of the wedding party to avoid feeling too focused on.
• Skip traditions such as cake cutting, bouquet tossing, and the first dance if they make you too nervous. If your partner really wants a first dance, choose a short song and don't worry about planning special choreography.

Remember, it's your wedding, and you can tailor it to make yourself comfortable. It's okay to not follow traditions or make adjustments to suit your preferences.

I don't want to deal with family drama

If you don't want to deal with family drama, there are several strategies you can use to minimise the stress and tension that comes with family interactions. Here are some tips to help you navigate family dynamics and reduce the impact of any drama:

Set Clear Boundaries:

Explain your needs and expectations to your family members before the event. Let them know what behaviours are unacceptable and the consequences if those boundaries are crossed. For example, inform them that certain topics are off-limits and that you expect a peaceful, drama-free celebration.

Communicate Directly:

Be direct and honest about your feelings. If certain questions or comments make you uncomfortable, let your family members know. For instance, if someone constantly asks about your relationship status or plans for having children, explain that these questions upset you.

Reframe Arguments:

Instead of viewing conflicts as personal battles, try to reframe them as collective problems. For example, if you argue with your parent about your curfew, frame it as you and your parent against the problem of staying out late, rather than against each other. This can help de-escalate tension and foster a collaborative approach to finding solutions.

Take Breaks:

During difficult conversations, take breaks to calm down and refocus. Plan short breaks during family gatherings to give yourself a breather and release tension. Knowing that you have these breaks scheduled can help you feel more in control and better able to handle stressful interactions.

Seek Support:

Lean on trusted friends or family members who can provide emotional support. Share your concerns with them and ask for their help in diffusing tense situations. It can be comforting to have someone who understands your struggles and can offer a listening ear or a shared smile during challenging moments.

Manage Expectations:

Banish all-or-nothing thinking and perfectionist tendencies. Accept that things might not go perfectly, and that's okay. Focus on the little moments and memories that matter. Remember that family gatherings can be imperfect, and you can still find joy in them.

Start Fresh:

Try to approach each family gathering as a new interaction, separate from past baggage and conflicts. Greet each event with an open mind, and be willing to start fresh with your family members. This can help you detach from past hurts and create a more positive experience.

Meditate and Breathe:

Practising meditation and deep breathing before and during family events can help you stay calm and centred. Techniques such as guided meditation or simply taking a moment to breathe deeply before speaking can reduce stress and improve your ability to handle difficult conversations.

Remember, it's normal to experience family drama, and you are not alone in dealing with these challenges. By setting boundaries, communicating directly, and adopting stress-reduction strategies, you can minimise the impact of family drama and improve your overall well-being.

Frequently asked questions