Clergy And Customized Wedding Vows: Who's Really In Control?

In Christian weddings, the clergy does not write the wedding vows. The wedding vows are based on biblical principles and are legally binding. The oldest traditional wedding vows can be traced back to the manuals of the medieval church. In England, there were manuals of the dioceses of Salisbury (Sarum) and York. The compilers of the first Book of Common Prayer, published in 1549, based its marriage service mainly on the Sarum manual.

The role of the clergy in a wedding ceremony

In a Catholic wedding, the priest or deacon will ask the couple a series of questions to initiate the declaration of consent. These questions include:

• "Have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourself to each other in marriage?"
• "Will you honor each other as man and wife for the rest of your lives?"
• "Will you accept children lovingly from God, and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?"

The couple's answers to these questions should be "I have" or "I am".

Following this, the couple will exchange their wedding vows. There are two sets of American Catholic wedding vows approved by the Vatican, and the priest will work with the couple to determine the best fit. The vows are as follows:

• "I, (name), take you, (name), to be my wife/husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life."
• "I, (name), take you, (name), for my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."

While some couples may choose to slightly alter the vows, customization is generally advised against. This is because Catholic wedding vows are steeped in rich tradition and affirmed by the Vatican, so keeping the nuptials as close to the approved vows is most advised.

After the vows have been exchanged, the priest will acknowledge the couple's decision to marry. He will pray for God's blessing on the couple and declare, "What God has joined, let no one put asunder." This is the point at which the couple becomes husband and wife.

The priest will then bless the wedding rings and the couple will exchange them. The groom will place the ring on the bride's finger and say:

> " [Name], receive this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit."

The bride will then place the ring on the groom's finger and repeat the same words.

In addition to the vows and exchange of rings, there are other ways to personalize a Catholic wedding ceremony. Couples can work with a family priest to guarantee a homily that is personal to them. They can also add important readings, cultural traditions, and music to the ceremony.

While the role of the clergy in a wedding ceremony may vary depending on the religious denomination and location, the basic structure of the ceremony remains the same. The clergy will guide the couple through the vows, exchange of rings, and other rituals that are specific to their religious tradition.

The history of wedding vows

The root of matrimony was not a religious or legal act but a simple trade tool used by families and tribes to create peaceful relationships and trading partnerships. The earliest documented marriages took place between the Anglo-Saxons, who inhabited England from 410 to 1066. During the 11th century, marriage became more about political advantage, and this is when arranged marriages became common.

The first mention of marriage vows was in the Medieval Church in England. The oldest traditional wedding vows can be traced back to the manuals of the medieval church, specifically the dioceses of Salisbury (Sarum) and York. The first Book of Common Prayer, published in 1549, included various marriage vow examples that inspired the traditional phrases many couples still use today. The book was written by Thomas Cranmer and was the first Protestant service in English. The sentiments, however, were not new and were inspired by various Catholic medieval rites, such as the Sarum ritual.

The vows from the Sarum rite, which were then utilised in the Book of Common Prayer, became the traditional vows that many Catholics and Christians—as well as non-denominational couples—still use with very few changes. The "death do us part" portion, for example, was originally published as "till death us depart" but has since been updated while keeping the same sentiment.

While wedding vows are not a legal necessity for marriage and are not used in all cultures, many couples include them in their ceremonies for religious or sentimental reasons.

The legal requirements of a wedding

Age

According to the Marriage and Civil Partnership (Minimum Age) Act 2022, the legal age to marry or enter a civil partnership in England and Wales is 18 years old. Parental consent is no longer sufficient for 16 and 17-year-olds to marry.

Not Already Married or in a Civil Partnership

Both parties must be unmarried or not already in a civil partnership.

Notice Period

You must give notice at least 29 days before the ceremony date to the Register Office in the district you reside in. If you are subject to the Immigration and Referral Scheme, the notice period is 71 days. The notice is displayed publicly for any legal objections and is valid for one year.

Venue

You must know the venue for the marriage or civil partnership in advance. Your notice will only be valid for the venue stated on the paperwork. Changing the venue will require new notices.

Documentation

At the interview with the registrar, you will be asked questions about yourself and your partner, including full names, dates of birth, occupation, nationality, and address. You will need to provide original ID documents, such as a passport or birth certificate, and proof of address. If either party has been previously married or in a civil partnership, you will need to provide divorce or dissolution papers and the previous marriage/civil partnership certificate(s).

Ceremony Requirements

The wedding ceremony must take place between 8 am and 6 pm. The vicar or authorized person will guide you on any additional requirements, such as publishing banns or obtaining a special licence.

Witnesses and Vows

In England, the vows, presence of witnesses, and civil registration are absolute requirements under the law. The specific vows may vary depending on the type of ceremony and religious affiliation.

The role of the couple in writing their vows

In some religious traditions, such as Catholic weddings, the couple typically recites traditional wedding vows that are part of a liturgy officiated by a priest or deacon. These vows are standardised and approved by the Vatican, and deviations from the script are generally discouraged. However, couples can work with their priest to determine which set of approved vows is the best fit for them. Additionally, there may be opportunities to include personal readings, cultural traditions, and music to make the ceremony more reflective of the couple.

On the other hand, many couples across different cultures and religions opt to write their own vows. This allows them to express their love and commitment in their own words, making the ceremony more intimate and personalised. When writing their own vows, couples can consider including elements such as their unique love story, the qualities they admire in their partner, the promises they want to make, and the vision they have for their future together.

It is worth noting that in some Christian denominations, such as the Church of England, while the official vows cannot be changed, couples are allowed to include additional readings, poetry, or Bible extracts to add a personal touch to the ceremony. Therefore, the role of the couple in writing their vows can vary depending on their religious affiliation and personal preferences.

Ultimately, the couple's role in writing their vows is to strike a balance between adhering to religious and cultural traditions and infusing their unique personalities and sentiments into the ceremony. This collaboration between tradition and personal expression creates a meaningful and memorable wedding experience for both the couple and their loved ones.

The importance of the exchange of vows

The exchange of vows is an important part of a wedding ceremony. While not a legal requirement in most jurisdictions, it is a significant tradition that holds meaning for many couples.

Vows are promises made by each partner to the other during the wedding ceremony. They are often based on Western Christian norms, but they are not universal, even within Christian weddings, as Eastern Christians do not include vows in their traditional ceremonies.

The exchange of vows is considered the most intimate part of a wedding ceremony. They are a couple's pledge of commitment and love, and the moment when a couple becomes husband and wife in the eyes of their religion. The vows are a couple's expression of their willingness to enter into a covenant of marriage and their consent to give themselves to each other.

The content of the vows varies according to the specific religion of the couple. In many religions, the vows are followed by the exchange of rings, which serves to seal those promises. The rings are a symbol of the unbroken circle of love.

For some couples, the traditional vows may not feel personal enough, and they may wish to write their own. In some religions, this is allowed, but in others, such as Catholicism, it is discouraged or not permitted. In such cases, couples can add personal touches in other ways, such as through music, readings, or cultural traditions.

For some couples, the idea of reciting vows in front of a large group of people may be too anxiety-inducing. In such cases, they may choose to exchange personal vows in private before or after the official ceremony, allowing them to connect in a more intimate setting.

Frequently asked questions