Deborah Chan
The order of wedding vows is a personal choice and there are no rules dictating who should go first. In heterosexual couples, tradition dictates that the groom says his vows first, followed by the bride. However, this tradition stems from a patriarchal society where males were considered heads of households, tribes, and clans, and may not be suitable for all couples. Nowadays, couples may choose to determine the order based on factors such as comfort with public speaking, length of vows, or simply through methods like coin tosses or rock, paper, scissors. Same-sex couples may also prefer to say their vows simultaneously or choose an order that feels right for them. Ultimately, the decision is a personal one, and couples should feel free to embrace or adapt traditions as they see fit.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Traditional order | Groom first |
| Modern approach | Bride first |
| Equality-focused approach | Say vows simultaneously |
| Decision-making factors | Comfort level, speaking skills, length of vows, emotions, family tradition, culture, religion |
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What You'll Learn
Tradition and heterosexual couples
For heterosexual couples, tradition dictates that the groom says his wedding vows first. This tradition stems from centuries-old patriarchal religious societies, where males were considered heads of households, tribes, and clans, and females were sometimes viewed as possessions or lesser beings. In these societies, the groom initiating the marriage symbolised his superiority.
However, times have changed, and wedding traditions are shifting towards a more gender-neutral and equal format. Couples now have the freedom to customise their wedding vows and the order in which they are delivered to align with their preferences and circumstances.
If you are part of a heterosexual couple and are unsure about who should go first, there are several factors to consider. Firstly, if you or your partner is more comfortable speaking in front of a crowd, that person should go last to ensure the vows end on a high note. Secondly, if you know that you or your partner will be too emotional to read your vows after hearing the other person's, it may be wise to go first. Finally, if one of you is a better writer, that person should consider going second, as they can create a more impactful ending to the vow exchange.
Ultimately, the decision of who says their wedding vows first is a personal choice for heterosexual couples. Whether you adhere to tradition or forge your own path, the important thing is to ensure that your vows reflect your unique love story and commitment to each other.
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Same-sex couples
For same-sex couples, the traditional "man goes first" format is not applicable, and the order of vows is typically chosen by the couple themselves. This choice can be made based on several factors, such as who is more comfortable speaking in front of a crowd or who has written longer vows.
Some sources suggest that the person who is more comfortable speaking publicly should go second, as this allows the vows to end on a high note. Additionally, if one person's vows are significantly longer than the other's, it is recommended that the shorter vows come first.
When writing their vows, same-sex couples can personalise them to celebrate their unique love story. They can draw inspiration from various sources, including their favourite books, authors, or philosophers, and work together to ensure their individual vows complement each other.
Ultimately, the decision regarding the order of vows rests with the couple, and there is no right or wrong way. It is essential to communicate this decision to the officiant in advance to ensure a smooth and well-organised ceremony.
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Who's more comfortable speaking in front of a crowd
While the traditional order of wedding vows has been for the groom to say his vows first, this stems from a patriarchal society where males were considered the head of households, tribes, and clans. In modern times, this order may be seen as a statement of male superiority and does not account for same-sex couples.
Today, the decision of who speaks first is often based on who is more comfortable speaking in front of a crowd. If one partner is a confident public speaker, it may be best for them to go second so that the vows end on a high note. This is especially true if they are also a better writer.
Some couples decide to let the person who is more nervous about public speaking, or the bigger crier, go first so that they can get their vows out of the way and focus on their partner's vows. Others decide to let the person with shorter vows go first, as it is less evident to the audience when the order is switched.
If you are unsure about the order, there are a few fun ways to decide. Some couples leave it up to chance with a coin toss or a game of rock, paper, scissors. Others decide on the day, with the officiant asking at the altar.
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Who's the bigger crier
While the traditional order of wedding vows is for the groom to say his vows first, there are no rules for this tradition, and couples are increasingly choosing other ways to determine the order.
If you're worried about crying during your wedding vows, a good strategy is to go first so that you can get through them before hearing your partner's. This way, you can make it through your own vows without becoming too emotional.
Some couples decide to let the person who is more comfortable speaking in public go last. This ensures that the vows end on a high note.
If you're worried about nerves or crying, some couples decide the order with a coin toss, rock, paper, scissors, or a roll of the dice.
Remember, there is no right or wrong way to say your vows, so feel free to choose the order that feels right for you and your partner.
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Coin toss or rock, paper, scissors
There are various ways to decide who says their wedding vows first. While traditionally, the groom says his vows first, this custom stems from a patriarchal society, and modern weddings are shifting towards a more gender-neutral and equal ceremony.
If you are unsure about the order of your vows, one option is to say them simultaneously by answering in unison to a set of questions posed by the officiant or using the "repeat after me" format.
Another fun way to decide the order is to leave it up to chance with a coin toss or a game of rock, paper, scissors. This method can add a playful element to your wedding and has been suggested by several people online. It can also help to alleviate nerves, as the winner can choose to go first and get their vows out of the way.
Some other factors to consider when deciding who speaks first include the length of the vows, with some suggesting that the shorter set of vows should come first. Additionally, if one partner is more comfortable speaking in front of a crowd or is the better writer, they may want to go last to end the vows on a high note.
Ultimately, the decision of who says their wedding vows first is a personal choice, and there is no right or wrong answer.
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Frequently asked questions
Traditionally, the groom says his vows first, followed by the bride. This tradition stems from a patriarchal religious society where males were considered heads of households, tribes, and clans.
No, you can choose the order that works best for you and your partner. Many couples now opt for alternative ways to determine the order, especially at LGBTQIA+ and nondenominational weddings.
Some couples decide based on who is more comfortable speaking in front of a crowd or who is the better writer. You can also leave it up to chance with a coin toss or a game of rock, paper, scissors.
There are differing opinions on this. Some believe the crier should go first so that they can get their emotions out of the way and focus on their partner's vows. Others suggest the crier goes second so that their partner's vows can help them recover from their emotions.
Yes, it is recommended to decide the order early on in the wedding planning process. This will help you craft your vows accordingly and allow your officiant to organize the ceremony script.
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