George Boyle
Jewish wedding vows are steeped in symbolism and ritual, honouring the heritage of Judaism. While spoken wedding vows are not customary within Jewish wedding ceremonies, modern couples are increasingly adding their own vows to the ceremony. The ketubah, a written marriage contract, is a key element of Jewish weddings. It can be reimagined as a loving statement of mutual commitment to marriage, similar to wedding vows in other religions. The ceremony also includes the exchange of rings, which is a demonstration of eternal love and devotion.
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What You'll Learn
- Jewish wedding vows are not customary, but modern couples are adding their own
- The ketubah is a marriage contract, signed before the ceremony
- Couples can consult a rabbi to craft a script for the day
- The groom gives a ring and says: Behold, you are consecrated to me with this ring....
- Couples can write their own vows, or take inspiration from traditional ones
Jewish wedding vows are not customary, but modern couples are adding their own
Jewish wedding vows are not customary, but modern couples are increasingly adding their own vows to their wedding ceremonies. Traditionally, in a Jewish wedding, the groom acquires his bride by giving her a ring and stating a halakhic (legal) formula that formalizes the marriage. The groom says: "Behold, you are consecrated unto me with this ring, according to the law of Moses and Israel".
However, modern couples are increasingly choosing to add their own vows to the ceremony, often to make it more egalitarian. Couples can work with their rabbi or officiant to craft a script for the wedding day. Rabbi Rosalin Mandelberg of Ohef Sholom Temple in Norfolk, Virginia, has created a set of vows that couples can choose to incorporate:
> Do you, [name], take [name] to be your wife/husband, promising to cherish and protect her/him, whether in good fortune or in adversity, and to seek together with her/him a life hallowed by the faith of Israel? Do you, [name], take [name] to be your lawfully wedded wife/husband, to love, to honour, and to cherish? With this ring, you are made holy to me, for I love you as my soul.
Couples can also choose to write their own vows from scratch, making them completely original or taking inspiration from traditional religious or cultural vows.
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The ketubah is a marriage contract, signed before the ceremony
In Jewish weddings, traditional wedding vows are not customary. Instead, the groom would "acquire" his bride by giving her a ring and stating a formula that formalises the marriage. The groom would say: "Behold, you are consecrated to me with this ring, according to the laws of Moses and Israel".
However, modern couples are increasingly choosing to add their own vows to the ceremony. These couples should consult their rabbi or officiant to craft a script for the wedding day.
Couples can write their own ketubah, which can include their core shared values and aspirations for their marriage. The ketubah can also include the expectations each person has of themselves and each other, what they intend to give to the marriage, and what will help them get through difficult times.
The marriage contract is also known as the kiddushin, which is the groom's demonstration of his commitment to the bride, given before witnesses. The nissuin is the second part of the ceremony, during which the ketubah text is read and the ceremony begins.
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Couples can consult a rabbi to craft a script for the day
While spoken wedding vows are not customary within Jewish wedding ceremonies, some modern couples are choosing to add their own vows to their wedding program. Couples who wish to customise their marriage ceremony with wedding vows should consult a rabbi or officiant to craft a script for the day.
The rabbi or officiant can help the couple pen promises that reflect their relationship and their vision for the future. The couple can decide whether to write their own vows or take inspiration from traditional religious or cultural wedding vows. They can also decide who will say their vows first, as there is no need to adhere to the traditional format.
The ketubah, or marriage contract, is another key element of Jewish weddings. Historically, the ketubah was a legal contract protecting the wife financially, but it can be reimagined as a loving statement of mutual commitment to marriage. The ketubah signing generally happens privately before the main wedding ceremony. Couples can choose to write their ketubah together, which can help with preparation for the day and for their life together.
The wedding day is seen as one of the happiest and holiest days in the life of the bride and groom, as their past is forgiven and they merge into a new and complete soul. The wedding ceremony is a heartfelt expression of a couple's love and commitment, and a celebration of a new chapter.
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The groom gives a ring and says: Behold, you are consecrated to me with this ring....
While spoken wedding vows are not customary within Jewish wedding ceremonies, some modern couples have started adding their own vows to the ceremony program. In Jewish ceremonies, vows are recited only when the ring is given or exchanged. The groom gives a ring and says: "Behold, you are consecrated to me with this ring according to the law of Moses and Israel". The ring symbolised a business transaction in which the groom acquired the bride as a possession and had to give something of value in return. The marriage contract, also known as the Ketubah, was a promise by the groom to recompense the bride in the event of his divorcing her. The Ketubah is signed by two witnesses and includes a framework if the couple decides to get divorced.
The bride then settles beside the groom at his right hand. This is followed by the rabbi reciting the betrothal blessings, after which the couple drinks from the first of two cups of wine. The end of the ceremony is marked by the moment when a glass is placed on the floor inside a piece of cloth and the groom crushes it with his foot, symbolising the destruction of the temple in Jerusalem.
Many couples have plenty of room to customise their promises as they see fit. Working in tandem with their rabbi or officiant, couples can pen promises that reflect their relationship.
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Couples can write their own vows, or take inspiration from traditional ones
Wedding vows are not historically part of the Jewish tradition. Traditionally, the husband "acquires" his wife by giving her something of value, usually a ring, and stating a halakhic (legal) formula that formalizes the marriage. However, modern couples are increasingly choosing to incorporate their own vows into the ceremony.
Couples can write their own vows or take inspiration from traditional ones. If writing their own vows, couples should include certain aspects, such as saying "I love you," telling their partner they will be there for them through anything, alluding to personal stories, making concrete promises, and acknowledging the support they will need from friends and family.
If a couple wishes to include traditional elements in their vows, they can take inspiration from the traditional Jewish wedding vow: "Behold, you are consecrated to me with this ring according to the laws of Moses and Israel." This vow can be modified to be more inclusive, such as by leaving out the explicit reference to Moses or Israel, which can be more suitable for an interfaith wedding. Another option is to include the Hebrew phrase: "V'erastich li l'olam. V'erastich li b'tzedek uv'mishpat, uv'chesed uv'rachamim. V'erastich li b'emunah, v'yada'at et Adonai," which translates to: "I betroth you to me forever; I betroth you to me with steadfast love and compassion; I betroth you to me in faithfulness."
Couples can also draw inspiration from traditional non-Jewish wedding vows, such as "in sickness and in health," "through thick and thin," or "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer." Additionally, they can consider incorporating the ketubah, the written marriage contract, into their vows. The ketubah can be reimagined as a loving statement of mutual commitment and aspiration, similar to wedding vows in other religions. It can be read out during the ceremony and signed by the couple and witnesses.
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Frequently asked questions
Traditional Jewish wedding vows are not as common within Judaism, but they do exist. The most common form for centuries was a very short statement made only by the groom when placing the ring on the bride’s finger. The groom would say, "Behold, you are consecrated/betrothed unto me with this ring, according to the law of Moses and Israel."
While spoken wedding vows are not customary within Jewish wedding ceremonies, some modern couples have started adding their own vows to their ceremony program. Couples can work with their rabbi or officiant to craft a script for the wedding day.
The ketubah is a written marriage contract, signed at the wedding with witnesses. It can be reimagined as a loving statement of mutual commitment to marriage. The ketubah signing generally happens privately before the main wedding ceremony.
The ketubah can include a couple's expectations of themselves, each other, and the marriage, what they intend to give to the marriage, what will help them get through hard times, and how they will prioritize their relationship alongside the demands of daily life.
Here is an example of vows that couples may choose to incorporate into their wedding: "Do you, [name], take [name] to be your wife/husband, promising to cherish and protect her/him, whether in good fortune or in adversity, and to seek together with her/him a life hallowed by the faith of Israel? Do you, [name], take [name] to be your lawfully wedded wife/husband, to love, to honor, and to cherish? With this ring, you are made holy to me, for I love you as my soul."
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