The Role Of Bridesmaids In Frum Weddings

Bridesmaids are a common feature of wedding ceremonies in many cultures. They are usually the closest friends or relatives of the bride and form part of the wedding party, which also includes the maid or matron of honour, groomsmen, and other attendants. While there is no standard norm for frum Jewish weddings, it is not uncommon for them to include bridesmaids. The duties of a bridesmaid typically include supporting the bride, planning pre-wedding events, and assisting on the wedding day itself.

Bridesmaids at frum weddings: the norm or not?

There is no definitive answer to this question as it depends on personal preferences and the specific community involved. Some people believe that having bridesmaids is not in line with frum traditions, while others argue that it is a common practice and see no issue with it. Ultimately, the decision to include bridesmaids in a frum wedding is a matter of individual choice and community norms.

In general, bridesmaids are members of the bride's party at traditional Western wedding ceremonies. They are typically young, unmarried women who are close friends or relatives of the bride. The chief bridesmaid, or maid of honor, takes on a more prominent role in organising events and supporting the bride. However, the role of bridesmaids can vary greatly depending on cultural and personal preferences.

In some frum communities, it is not uncommon to have bridesmaids and groomsmen as part of the wedding party. This is especially true for non-BTs (Ba'alei Teshuva, or returnees to the faith). In these cases, the bridesmaids may wear colour-coordinated gowns and participate in pre-wedding activities such as bridal showers and bachelorette parties. They may also be included in wedding photos and help with various tasks on the wedding day.

On the other hand, some frum communities may view the concept of bridesmaids as being at odds with their religious and cultural traditions. The term "frum" itself has yeshivish/chareidi connotations, and these groups may have different expectations and norms for weddings. In these communities, the focus may be more on modesty and simplicity, rather than the elaborate rituals and parties often associated with bridesmaids in Western culture.

Ultimately, the decision to include bridesmaids in a frum wedding depends on the specific community and the couple's personal preferences. While some may view it as a fun and honoured tradition, others may see it as unnecessary or even inappropriate. As such, it is important to be respectful of individual choices and to communicate honestly about expectations to ensure a smooth and joyful wedding celebration.

Duties of a bridesmaid before the wedding

While frum Jewish weddings do not appear to have a set norm when it comes to bridesmaids, here is a list of duties a bridesmaid can be expected to perform before the wedding:

• Plan the hen/bachelorette party.
• Create a WhatsApp group with the bride and all the bridesmaids (and potentially one with the groomsmen).
• Check in with the couple regularly and offer practical help.
• Be specific about what you can help with, rather than asking generally what needs to be done.
• Visit the wedding venue and help make decisions on layout and décor.
• Meet the wedding coordinator and offer to be a point of contact on the day for any issues.
• Help with any wedding DIY sessions.
• Make yourself available for wedding dress shopping and fittings.
• Make yourself available for bridesmaid dress shopping and fittings.
• Listen to any wedding planning woes and be supportive and enthusiastic.
• Turn all pre-wedding events into an excuse for brunch, cake, and/or cocktails.
• Book some pre-wedding pampering, such as a tan, nails, waxing, and facials.
• Ensure your room is booked if you are staying at the venue.
• Take a couple of days off work before the wedding so you are available to help out.
• Attend any beauty appointments organised for the bridesmaids.
• Help shop for, and organise, the wedding bathroom baskets.
• Help with transport, last-minute errands, and wedding set-up.
• Ensure you have the shoes, accessories, and underwear you need.
• Help the bride to pack.
• Prep an on-the-day emergency kit.
• Prep a wedding morning playlist and buy some bubbly.
• Help diffuse any pre-wedding stress or tensions.
• Get a list of the couple's suppliers and their contact info for the day.
• Get a copy of the wedding timeline and familiarise yourself with it.
• Attend the ceremony rehearsal.
• Attend the rehearsal dinner.

Duties of a bridesmaid on the wedding day

While the duties of a bridesmaid can vary depending on the couple and the type of wedding they are having, there are several tasks that are typically expected of bridesmaids on the wedding day. Here are some of the key duties to ensure everything runs smoothly for the bride, the maid of honour, and the wedding guests:

On the Wedding Day

• Get ready with the bride: Bridesmaids should arrive at the designated location on time and assist the bride with anything she needs while getting ready, such as answering calls or texts, ensuring she eats and stays hydrated, and helping her into her dress, shoes, jewellery, and veil.
• Provide snacks and drinks: If no other arrangements have been made, bridesmaids should provide snacks and drinks for the bride and anyone else helping her get ready, such as the photographer and beauty stylists.
• Be the "bride tribe": Act as a support crew for the bride and the maid of honour. This includes directing guests around the venue, such as to the parking area, bathrooms, or bar, and facilitating their participation in activities like signing the guest book or visiting the photo booth.
• Participate in the ceremony: Bridesmaids should be on time and ready to process down the aisle, fulfilling any assigned roles during the service and then exiting according to the plan. After the ceremony, they should stick together for group photos with the happy couple.
• Be model guests: Mingle with other guests, enjoy the food and drinks, sit at the designated dinner table, and participate in guest activities.
• Maintain a stress-free send-off: Help the maid of honour, coordinator, or the couple's parents assemble and transport items that need to be taken out of the reception venue, such as decor, bouquets, wedding cards and gifts, and the couple's overnight bags. Ensure all guests can safely leave the venue and that the couple's bags make it to their wedding night hotel room.

Before the Wedding Day

It is worth noting that bridesmaids also have several duties before the wedding day, including planning and attending pre-wedding parties, providing emotional support to the bride, and helping with wedding planning tasks and purchases.

Duties of a bridesmaid after the wedding

While there is no standard norm for frum Jewish weddings, it is common to have bridesmaids. Here is a list of duties a bridesmaid should perform after the wedding:

Post-Wedding Duties of a Bridesmaid:

• Attend the farewell party: If the couple is hosting a farewell party or a post-wedding brunch, it is customary for the bridesmaids to attend. It is important to be punctual and well-rested for this event, especially after a late night of celebrations.
• Organize and collect miscellaneous items: After the wedding, there may be decorations, gifts, cards, or other personal items that need to be returned to the newlyweds or distributed among the bridesmaids. It is helpful to organize and collect these items within a few days after the wedding to avoid misplacing them.
• Settle outstanding payments: It is important to settle any remaining expenses that were incurred during the wedding festivities. These could include shared bills, transportation costs, or other shared expenses among the bridal party. It is considerate to send payment requests or settle dues promptly to avoid inconveniencing others.
• Assist with the bride's attire: The bride may need assistance with changing out of her wedding dress and packing it carefully to avoid any damage.
• Collect cards and flowers: The bridesmaids can offer to collect any cards and well-wishes from the venue's safe for the couple, ensuring that no messages or gifts are left behind.
• Box up keepsakes: It is thoughtful for the bridesmaids to box up framed photos, guest books, and other mementos from the wedding, ensuring that these precious items are safely stored or transported for day two celebrations.
• Offer to do the bride's hair and makeup: The day after the wedding, the bride may appreciate having her hair and makeup done for any post-wedding celebrations. This is especially considerate if she is running low on energy.

These duties ensure that the bridesmaids provide continued support and assistance to the bride and groom, even after the wedding festivities have concluded.

How much does it cost to be a bridesmaid?

The cost of being a bridesmaid varies depending on the bride and the wedding. According to WeddingWire, the average cost of being a bridesmaid is $1,200 per wedding, but that can quickly increase to over $1,800. The cost of being a bridesmaid—like the cost of living—also varies by region. Bridesmaids on the west coast pay an average of $1,360 per wedding, whereas bridesmaids in the Midwest pay the least at $1,100.

The bridesmaid is expected to purchase a particular dress for the wedding, help plan and attend pre-wedding events such as the bridal shower and bachelorette party, and walk down the aisle with the bride during the ceremony. The average bridesmaid spends $208 on a dress, with alterations costing an additional $70. Nearly 80% of bridesmaids purchase new shoes and over 60% buy additional accessories, bringing the average cost of accessories to $120. If the bride requires professional hair and makeup, she should cover these costs; however, if she leaves the choice to the bridesmaids, they can pay for it themselves. The cost of hair and makeup is usually around $72 and $60 respectively.

If the wedding is not local, the bridesmaid will also need to factor in travel costs. The average travel cost is $115 for transport and $205 for accommodation. The bachelorette party is often the most expensive pre-wedding event, costing nearly $400 if it requires travel. All in all, a bridesmaid can expect to spend over $800 on hosting responsibilities, travel, and gifts for pre-wedding events.

Despite all these costs, a bridesmaid is still expected to buy a wedding gift. On average, a bridesmaid spends $125 on a wedding gift, usually from the couple's registry.

Frequently asked questions