Gifting Etiquette: Attending Or Not, Should You Gift?

Wedding gift etiquette is a confusing topic, especially when it comes to events you can't attend. While traditional wedding etiquette states that you are not obligated to send a gift if you can't be there, it's ultimately up to you and depends on your relationship with the couple. If you're close to the couple, you may want to send a gift to show your support, but if you're not, a card with a thoughtful message will likely suffice.

Wedding gift etiquette

So, you've received a wedding invitation but you're unable to attend—now what? While it's always nice to send a gift, traditional wedding etiquette states that if you can't attend the celebration, you are not obligated to send a wedding gift. However, this is where things get nuanced. Whether you send a gift or not will depend on a few factors, and it's ultimately up to you. Here are some guidelines to help you navigate this situation with ease and grace.

RSVPing and Relationships

The first thing to do when you know you can't attend is to promptly send in your RSVP. This is important, as it lets the couple know not to expect you and allows them to plan accordingly. When it comes to sending a gift, consider your relationship with the couple. Are they close friends or family members? Or are they casual acquaintances or distant relatives? If it's the former, you may want to send a gift to show your support for their union, even if you can't be there in person. If it's the latter, a gift may not be necessary, but a congratulatory card is always a thoughtful gesture.

Gift Ideas and Timing

If you decide to send a gift, what should you choose? If the couple has a gift registry, that's an easy way to select something you know they want. Otherwise, a practical keepsake like glassware, cutlery, or a blanket is always a safe bet. You could also opt for an experience gift, such as a restaurant voucher or a cooking class. When it comes to timing, it's recommended to send the gift before the wedding so the couple knows you're thinking of them. However, it's acceptable to send a gift up to a year after the wedding if there are unforeseen circumstances.

Budget and Thoughtfulness

How much you spend on a wedding gift is generally determined by your relationship with the couple and your financial means. You don't have to break the bank, but consider what amount feels comfortable and generous for you. Remember, it's the thought that counts, and a personalised note or message can go a long way in showing your well wishes.

In summary, while there's no strict wedding gift etiquette when you can't attend, it's always a nice gesture to send a card or a gift, especially if you have a close relationship with the couple. Ultimately, use your best judgement and don't stress too much—the happy couple will understand!

Gift ideas

If you can't attend a wedding, it is generally considered thoughtful to send a gift to celebrate the couple's union, especially if they are a family member or close friend. However, it is not obligatory, and the decision is ultimately up to you. Here are some gift ideas if you choose to send one:

• Cash gifts: While not expected, cash gifts are always appreciated and can be a convenient way to contribute to the couple's honeymoon fund.
• Physical gifts: If the couple has a gift registry, you can simply purchase something from that list. If they don't have a registry, some physical gift ideas include practical keepsakes like glassware, barware, a beautiful bowl, cutlery, a cake slice, a blanket, a picnic basket, or an oven dish. Coffee table books or art prints are more contemporary options.
• Experience gifts: Consider gifting an experience that the couple can enjoy together, such as a restaurant voucher, cinema membership, cooking class, day excursion, or afternoon tea.
• Personalised gifts: For a close friend, you might want to skip the registry and opt for a personalised gift that reflects their interests. For example, a framed print of the couple or a gift card to their favourite restaurant.
• Group gifts: If you are unable to attend a wedding with a larger guest list, consider pooling resources with other guests to purchase a group gift.

The amount you spend on a gift is flexible and should reflect your budget and your closeness to the couple. It is generally considered thoughtful to include a card with your gift, expressing your warm wishes and congratulations.

When to send the gift

If you know you can't attend a wedding, it is considerate to send a gift before the celebration so that the couple knows you are thinking about them. However, it is acceptable to send a wedding gift up to a year after the wedding. Most experts recommend delivering gifts within three months of the wedding. This allows the couple to receive your gift within a reasonable time frame and express your warm wishes, even if you can't celebrate in person. Sending the gift before the wedding date also allows the couple to appreciate it amid the excitement leading up to their special day.

If you are unable to send your gift before the wedding, don't worry! It is considered acceptable if it arrives a little later. The key is to ensure that your gift reaches the couple within a reasonable time frame.

How much to spend

How much you spend on a wedding gift when you can't attend the wedding depends on a few factors. Firstly, consider your relationship with the couple. If it's a close friend or family member, you might want to spend more than you would for a casual acquaintance or coworker. Your budget is also an important factor – only spend what you can afford and feel comfortable with.

Some sources suggest that since you're not spending money on travel to attend the wedding, you can afford to spend a little more on the gift. On the other hand, since the couple isn't paying for your seat at the reception, you could spend a little less.

According to The Knot's 2023 Guest Study, the average wedding gift amount spent by guests was $150. Guests spent a little more for close friends and family members ($170 and $160 respectively) and less for casual friends ($130).

If you're sending a gift but not attending the wedding, it's generally acceptable to spend slightly less than you would if you were also attending. A starting point of $25 is suggested by one source, while another suggests a range of €80 to €150 for those in Ireland, where it's customary to 'cover the cost of your meal'.

If you're sending a card only, you might include a small gift or some money, especially if you're unable to attend due to a last-minute emergency.

RSVP etiquette

If you can't attend a wedding, it's important to let the couple know promptly by responding to the RSVP. This is considered common courtesy, as the couple will be waiting on final numbers to inform their venue or caterer, and your decline might allow them to invite another guest. Use the method of communication specified in the invitation, such as an RSVP card, email, or text. You can also follow up with a call if you want to explain your absence further.

When it comes to sending a gift if you can't attend, traditional wedding etiquette states that you are not obligated to do so. However, modern perspectives suggest that it depends on various factors, such as your relationship with the couple and your financial situation. Here are some considerations to keep in mind:

• Relationship with the Couple: If you are very close to the couple, such as a dear friend or family member, you may want to send a gift even if you can't attend. This is a thoughtful way to show your support and celebrate their union. On the other hand, if you don't know the couple well, such as a colleague or distant relative, sending a gift is not necessary, and a simple RSVP decline is sufficient.
• Financial Considerations: If you are unable to attend due to financial constraints, there is no pressure to send a gift. A sincere RSVP decline and perhaps a congratulatory card will suffice. However, if you are in a comfortable financial position and feel inclined to do so, sending a gift can be a nice gesture.
• Timing: If you choose to send a gift, it is recommended to do so before the wedding. This allows the couple to know you are thinking of them during the excitement leading up to their special day. However, traditional wedding gift etiquette gives you up to a year after the wedding date to send a present.
• Gift Options: If you decide to send a gift, you can refer to the couple's registry, which is a convenient option, especially if you are not close to the couple. Alternatively, you can opt for a personalised gift, such as a framed print, a gift card, or an experience gift like a restaurant voucher or a cooking class.
• Pre-wedding Events: Keep in mind that you are not required to send gifts for pre-wedding events, such as engagement parties or bridal showers, that you are unable to attend. However, you may choose to send a card expressing your well-wishes.

Frequently asked questions