Who Walks & Gives Me Away: Wedding Traditions & Choices

The tradition of being given away at a wedding is a long-standing one, but it is not obligatory. The choice of who walks the bride down the aisle is entirely up to the couple getting married. While it is traditional for the father of the bride to perform this duty, it is not uncommon for the mother, another family member, or a friend to do so. In some cultures, both parents walk the bride down the aisle, and in Jewish weddings, both parents traditionally walk both the bride and the groom down the aisle. Ultimately, it is up to the couple to decide who, if anyone, they want to include in their wedding ceremony in this way.

Who can give the bride away?

The traditional role of "giving away" the bride is typically performed by the bride's father or, in his absence, another close male relative. However, this tradition is becoming less common, and it is now perfectly acceptable for the bride's mother or a female relative to give her away. Ultimately, the choice of who gives the bride away is entirely up to the bride and her partner, and they can choose to include or exclude this tradition as they see fit.

In recent years, there has been a shift towards more personalised and inclusive wedding ceremonies. This has led to a variety of creative alternatives to the traditional practice of giving away the bride. Some couples choose to walk down the aisle together, symbolising their unity and mutual support. Others opt for a "giving away" ceremony that involves both the bride's and groom's parents, acknowledging the importance of both families in their lives. In some cases, the bride may choose to be escorted by multiple people, such as her parents, children, or even pets!

It is worth noting that the act of "giving away" the bride has its roots in the sexist notion that women are the property of men, passed from their fathers to their husbands. As a result, many modern couples choose to omit this tradition altogether or modify the wording to reflect their values. For example, instead of asking "Who gives this woman away?" the officiant may phrase it as "Who supports this marriage?" or "Who presents this couple for marriage?" This shift in language emphasises the bride's agency and the couple's equality in the union.

Ultimately, the decision of who gives the bride away, if anyone at all, rests with the couple. It is their special day, and they should feel free to customise their wedding ceremony to align with their beliefs, values, and unique dynamic.

What if the bride's father is not around?

The tradition of the father "giving away" the bride is falling out of fashion, and many brides choose to walk down the aisle alone or with both parents. However, if the bride's father is not around, there are several alternatives to consider:

• The bride's mother can walk her down the aisle. This is a popular choice, as it symbolises the mother's support and love for her daughter. It can also be a way for the mother to let go of her child, just as the father traditionally does.
• Another family member, such as a brother, uncle, or cousin, can give the bride away. This is often a good option if the bride has a close male relative who has played an important role in her life.
• The bride can choose to have both her mother and father walk her down the aisle. This can be a way to include both parents in the ceremony and show their support for their daughter.
• If the bride has children, they can also be involved in giving her away. This can be a meaningful way to include them in the ceremony and symbolise the bride's role as a mother.
• The bride can opt to walk down the aisle alone. This can be a powerful statement of independence and a way for the bride to enter the ceremony on her own terms.

Ultimately, the decision of who gives the bride away is a personal one and should be made based on what feels right for the individual bride. It is important to remember that the tradition of "giving away" the bride is just that—a tradition—and is not a requirement for a valid or meaningful wedding ceremony.

What if the mother of the groom wants to be involved?

While it is traditional for the father of the bride to give her away, there is no reason why the mother of the groom cannot be involved in the wedding ceremony. Here are some ways to include the mother of the groom in the wedding:

Walking Down the Aisle

The mother of the groom can walk her son down the aisle. This can be a special moment for both of them and a way to symbolise the mother's support for her son's marriage. This can be a particularly meaningful gesture if the father of the groom is not able to be present or has passed away.

Reading a Passage

If the mother of the groom is comfortable speaking in front of an audience, she can read a passage or poem during the ceremony. This can be a religious text, a favourite poem, or even a passage from a novel that is meaningful to the couple. This can add a personal touch to the ceremony and include the mother of the groom in a significant way.

Lighting a Unity Candle

The unity candle ceremony is a popular way to symbolise the joining of two families. The mother of the groom can light a candle, along with the mother of the bride, to represent the love and support of their families. This can be a beautiful and symbolic way to include both mothers in the ceremony.

Participating in the First Dance

While the couple's first dance is usually reserved for the bride and groom, there is no reason why the mother of the groom cannot join in for a special mother-son dance. This can be a heartfelt moment and a way to honour the mother's role in her son's life.

Offering a Toast

At the wedding reception, the mother of the groom can offer a toast to the newlyweds. This can be a heartfelt and emotional moment, as the mother welcomes the bride into the family and wishes the couple a happy future together. This can be a wonderful way to include the mother of the groom in the celebrations.

What if the bride doesn't want to be given away?

The tradition of "giving away the bride" is rooted in the idea of transferring ownership from the bride's father to the groom. In modern times, this tradition is upheld more as a symbol of blessing and support, rather than ownership. However, if the bride does not want to be given away, there are several alternatives to consider:

Option 1: Modify the Wording

One option is to modify the traditional wording of "giving away the bride" to something more contemporary and inclusive. Instead of "Who gives this woman to be married today?", consider using more personalized language such as "Who supports [Bride] in her wedding to [Groom] today?". This shift in wording emphasizes the idea of support and affirmation from loved ones, rather than a transfer of ownership.

Option 2: Include a Significant Other

Another alternative is to include the mother or a significant other in the ceremony. For example, when asked "Who gives this woman to be married today?", the response could be "Her mother and I do" or "Her loving family". This approach acknowledges the role of multiple important figures in the bride's life.

Option 3: Remove the Question Entirely

If the bride is uncomfortable with the concept of being given away, the entire question and response can be removed from the ceremony. In this case, the bride's arrival and the couple's movement to their places can be accompanied by processional music, creating a seamless and uninterrupted entrance.

Option 4: Walk Down the Aisle Solo or with the Partner

The bride can choose to walk down the aisle unescorted, symbolizing her agency and independence. Alternatively, the couple can walk into the ceremony together, escorting each other, which is a modern take on the traditional processional.

Option 5: Include Parents in Other Ways

There are numerous ways to include parents or loved ones in the wedding ceremony without adhering to the "giving away the bride" tradition. The bride can process with her parents partway down the aisle and then continue independently or with her partner. The couple can greet their parents at the end of the aisle before the ceremony begins, incorporating a special moment of hugs or well-wishes. Parents can also take on other roles, such as ceremony readers, lighting the unity candle, signing the marriage license, or holding the wedding rings. They can be acknowledged and included in the ceremony script, highlighting their impact on the couple's lives and relationship.

Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to be given away rests with the bride. It is essential to communicate these preferences early on and clearly convey the chosen plan to all involved parties, including parents, the wedding party, and the officiant.

What if the mother is overbearing?

If your mother is overbearing, it's important to remember that she's probably not trying to make your life difficult. She likely just wants to be part of your life and your wedding. However, if you feel that she's overstepping, there are some strategies you can use to manage the situation.

Firstly, decide on some boundaries that are non-negotiable and stick to them. For example, you might want to limit the amount of time spent together, the number of visits per month, or define topics that are off-limits. It's important to be clear and direct with your mother about these boundaries, avoiding confrontational language, but remaining firm and assertive.

Secondly, try to redirect her energy. If there are aspects of the wedding planning that you don't want her opinion on, redirect her to something you could use her help with. For example, if you don't want her opinion on your dress, ask her to help with the seating chart or welcome bags.

Thirdly, involve your spouse. Keep them informed and involved in the situation, ensuring that you both agree on boundaries and a course of action. This is not your battle to fight alone, and it's important that you and your partner present a united front.

Finally, if things get too tense, take a step back from the relationship with your mother for a period of time. Avoid calls and visits until things calm down, and everyone can approach the situation with a cooler head.

Remember, the wedding is about merging two families, and while families can be stressful, it's all worth it in the end.

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