Should I See My Wife's Vows Before Our Wedding?

There are several ways to exchange vows during a wedding ceremony. The couple can write and read their own vows, repeat them line-by-line after the officiant, or simply say I do in response to a set of questions from the officiant. Some couples may also opt for a hybrid of these styles, such as reading their own vows and then repeating a set of vows provided by the officiant. While the content of the vows may vary, traditional vows often include promises such as to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to see your wife's vows before the wedding is a personal one and may depend on factors such as comfort with public speaking and the desired level of surprise during the ceremony.

Should we write our own vows?

Writing your own vows can be a very personal and unique experience. It can add a special touch to your wedding day and make your ceremony more intimate and engaging for your guests. However, it's not for everyone, and there are some potential drawbacks to consider. Here are some pros and cons to help you decide if writing your own vows is right for you:

Pros of Writing Your Own Vows:

• Personal and Unique Expression: Writing your own vows allows you to express your love and commitment in a way that is unique to your relationship. You can include personal anecdotes, inside jokes, and promises that are meaningful to you and your partner.
• Keepsakes and Memories: Handwritten vows can be framed, displayed, or added to a wedding album, becoming cherished keepsakes that you can look back on.
• Guest Engagement: Your guests are more likely to pay closer attention to custom vows as they will be interested in hearing your personal take on this traditional ritual.

Cons of Writing Your Own Vows:

• Public Speaking Anxiety: Reciting personal vows in front of an audience can be intimidating, especially for couples who are more private or uncomfortable with public speaking.
• Writing Difficulty: Writing meaningful vows that strike the right balance between sentimentality and appropriateness for the audience can be challenging, even for experienced writers.
• Mismatching Styles: If you and your partner have different writing styles or levels of comfort with sharing personal information, your vows may not align in tone and content. This could be addressed by agreeing on a style beforehand or reviewing each other's vows.
• Time Commitment: Writing meaningful vows takes time and emotional energy, which may be limited resources during the busy wedding planning process.

Ultimately, the decision to write your own vows depends on your personal preference and comfort level. You can also consider a mix-and-match approach, incorporating traditional vows with personal touches or exchanging private vows during a first look before the ceremony.

Should we memorise our vows?

There are many factors to consider when deciding whether or not to memorise your wedding vows. Here are some pros and cons to help you make an informed decision:

Pros of Memorising Your Vows:

• Memorising your vows can make the ceremony more intimate and personalised, allowing your personality to shine through.
• It can be a way to honour your commitment to your partner and make the moment more meaningful.
• If you are comfortable with public speaking, memorising your vows can help you focus on delivering them with emotion and impact.

Cons of Memorising Your Vows:

• Memorising your vows can be stressful, especially if you are already feeling anxious about the wedding day.
• It can be challenging to remember your vows, especially if you are feeling nervous or emotional during the ceremony.
• Memorising your vows may take away from the spontaneity and authenticity of the moment.

Ultimately, the decision to memorise your vows depends on your personal preference and comfort level. Some couples choose to memorise their vows completely, while others opt to have them written down as a backup. Discussing this with your partner and wedding officiant can help you make the right choice for your special day.

Additionally, it is important to consider the tone and length of your vows. Vows should be concise, meaningful, and reflect your relationship. Practicing your vows beforehand, regardless of whether you memorise them or not, is essential to ensure that they are well-delivered and understood by your guests.

Should we read or recite our vows?

There are several ways to say your wedding vows. Here are the three most common styles:

• Write and Read Your Own Vows: This option allows couples to write their own heartfelt vows and read them during the ceremony. It is a good idea to read them instead of reciting them from memory, as the pressure of the moment may make it difficult to remember. Couples can email their vows to the officiant, who will format and print them, or they can opt for wedding vow booklets. It is important to ensure that the vows are approximately the same length to maintain balance during the ceremony.
• Repeat Line-by-Line: This style is often preferred by couples who don't want to have their faces buried in a page while saying their vows. The officiant provides the vows, which the couple repeats line-by-line, allowing them to maintain eye contact throughout the exchange. This option also relieves the couple of the pressure of writing their own vows.
• Just Say "I Do": In this style, the officiant asks a "big long question," and the couple responds with a simple "I do." This option is ideal for couples who are worried about becoming too emotional during the ceremony, as it takes the pressure of speaking at length off their shoulders.

Additionally, some couples may choose to combine two or more of these styles to create a hybrid approach that best suits their preferences and needs. Ultimately, the decision on how to say the vows depends on what the couple feels most comfortable with and what aligns with their vision for the ceremony.

Should we show our partner our vows before the wedding?

There are a few different ways to approach wedding vows. Some couples prefer to write their own vows, while others opt for traditional or religious vows. Here are some things to consider when deciding whether or not to show your partner your vows before the wedding:

Writing Your Own Vows

If you and your partner choose to write your own vows, it's important to start early and talk to your partner and your officiant. Discuss whether you will write your vows together or separately, and whether you will show them to each other beforehand. It's also a good idea to set a deadline for when the vows need to be written.

Writing your own vows can be a creative and meaningful process. You can include personal anecdotes, inside jokes, and specific promises that are important to you and your partner. However, it can also be a daunting task, especially if you're not used to writing or public speaking.

Traditional or Religious Vows

If the idea of writing your own vows feels overwhelming, you can always opt for traditional or religious vows. These vows have stood the test of time and are often familiar and comforting to both the couple and their guests. Traditional vows also take the pressure off the couple to come up with the perfect words to express their love and commitment.

Advantages of Sharing Vows Beforehand

Sharing your vows with your partner before the wedding can help ensure that they are roughly the same length and tone. This can be especially important if you are writing your own vows, as it allows you to give each other feedback and make sure that your vows complement each other. It can also help to ease nerves and reduce the risk of surprises during the ceremony.

Surprising Your Partner

On the other hand, some couples prefer to keep their vows a secret until the wedding day. This can add an element of surprise and make the moment even more special. If you choose this option, it's still a good idea to discuss the general length and tone of your vows with your partner beforehand to ensure that they are somewhat consistent.

Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to show your partner your vows before the wedding is a personal one. There is no right or wrong answer, and you should do whatever feels most comfortable and meaningful to you and your partner.

Remember, your vows are a reflection of your love and commitment to each other, so take the time to make them sincere and heartfelt, regardless of whether you choose to share them beforehand or not.

What should we do if we don't want to write our own vows?

If you don't want to write your own vows, you can always opt for traditional, pre-written vows. These are a great choice if you're short on time or would prefer not to perform your own words in front of others.

Traditional vows are tried and tested and often carry a certain gravitas that fits well with a classic wedding style. They can also be personalised by injecting a few of your own sentences throughout.

If you're religious, you may want to use the "stock" vows of your faith. Many houses of worship may require you to say all, or part, of these traditional vows.

If you're not religious, you can find non-denominational traditional vows online, or you could ask your officiant for suggestions.

You could also consider writing your vows together with your partner, or reciting your personal vows in private and opting for traditional vows during the ceremony.

Frequently asked questions