Rhiannon Hendricks
Wedding vows are a significant part of the wedding ceremony, and while some couples opt for traditional vows, others prefer to write their own. The traditional order of vows, with the groom first and bride second, is rooted in a patriarchal society where men were considered the head of the household. However, times have changed, and couples now have more flexibility in choosing the order of their vows, especially in nondenominational weddings. Some suggestions for deciding the order include letting the person with more to say go last or having the couple say their vows in unison. Ultimately, there is no right or wrong way, and couples should make a decision that reflects their preferences and circumstances.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Traditional order | Groom first, then bride |
| Patriarchal religious societies | Males were heads of households, tribes, and clans |
| Secular or non-denominational weddings | Vows adjusted to any order |
| LGBTIQA+ weddings | No fixed rule for who goes first |
| Same-sex marriages | Not acknowledged by old wedding vow traditions |
| Practical considerations | Person with more to say goes last to avoid an anti-climactic ending |
| Planning | Decisions about vows should be made early |
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What You'll Learn
The traditional order of vows
The order of wedding vows is a personal choice and there are no rules dictating whose vows come first. Many couples choose to follow the traditional order of vows, which has been influenced by patriarchal religious societies where men were typically considered the head of the household. In these traditions, the groom says his vows first, followed by the bride.
However, times have changed, and the traditional order may not be appropriate or suitable for all couples, especially in same-sex marriages. Couples may prefer a more gender-neutral and equal ceremony, with some choosing to say their vows in unison while facing each other and joining hands.
There are several factors to consider when deciding the order of vows. One suggestion is to have the person with more to say go last, to avoid the impression that the other person did not put much effort into their vows. Another idea is to have the bigger crier go first, so they can get through their vows without being too emotional.
It is important to make this decision early in the wedding planning process and communicate it to the officiant, who can help guide the ceremony script. Couples should feel free to choose the order that best suits their circumstances and preferences, as there is no right or wrong way to say wedding vows.
While the specific content of wedding vows can vary, they are often recited after the ceremony introduction and any readings, but before the ring exchange.
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Secular or non-denominational weddings
When it comes to the vows, there is no set rule on whose name comes first. Most secular officials will adjust the vows to any order the couple prefers. The couple can choose to write their own vows or use pre-written ones. They can be as creative as they like, as long as the words feel meaningful to them. The only recommendation is to decide on the order of the vows early on, so the officiant can prepare the ceremony script.
There are many ways to personalise secular wedding vows. Couples can include their children or family members, or share stories from their relationship. They can also decide whether to write the vows separately or together and whether to share them before the ceremony. It is also important to consider what guests may be comfortable with and recognise as a wedding ceremony.
- "I, [Partner A], take you, [Partner B], to share our love in marriage. I remain my own person and give myself to you of my own free will. I promise to always see you as whole, while knowing that together, we have a collective strength."
- "I vow to trust and respect you, to value your opinions and perspective. I vow to listen, laugh, and lounge with you – the three l’s that really matter. And I promise to be beside you through all of life’s challenges and adventures, big and small."
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Same-sex marriages
The oldest traditional wedding vows can be traced back to the manuals of the medieval church. In England, there were manuals of the dioceses of Salisbury (Sarum) and York. The first Book of Common Prayer, published in 1549, based its marriage service mainly on the Sarum manual. Traditionally, the groom says his vows first, which may be interpreted as a male superiority statement in today's world. This traditional order also disregards same-sex couples.
Same-sex marriage vows are an opportunity for couples to express their love and commitment to each other in a way that reflects their unique relationship. When it comes to same-sex marriages, the order of the names and vows is flexible and can be decided by the couple based on their preferences. There is no set tradition or expectation for who comes first in the vows.
Some sources suggest that the couple's names can be listed in alphabetical order, with the person whose last name comes first also saying their vows first. This approach can add a sense of equality and consistency to the ceremony. However, the couple may also choose to go by their preferred names or nicknames, regardless of their legal names or surnames.
In same-sex marriages, the couple can decide the order of their vows based on what feels most comfortable and meaningful to them. They may choose to say their vows simultaneously or take turns, creating a balanced and inclusive ceremony that celebrates their love. Communication is key during the wedding planning process to ensure that both individuals are on the same page. This includes writing and practicing their personal vows and deciding on the format that feels right for them.
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Advantages of the groom going first
There are several advantages to the groom reciting their wedding vows first. Firstly, it adheres to the traditional order of vows, which is rooted in the historical context of patriarchal religious societies where males were typically the heads of households. By following this tradition, the couple acknowledges and respects the customs and practices of their cultural or religious background.
Secondly, having the groom go first can be a strategic decision to ensure a smooth and emotional delivery of the vows. If the groom is more comfortable speaking in front of a crowd or is less likely to be overwhelmed by emotions, having them start the vows can set a confident and calm tone for the ceremony. This approach can be especially beneficial if the bride tends to be more emotional or nervous in front of an audience.
Additionally, the groom going first can create a natural progression in the ceremony's narrative arc. Wedding vows can be viewed as a love story, with the groom's vows serving as the beginning, the bride's vows as the emotional progression, and their union being sealed with a romantic ending. This structure allows for a well-paced and captivating ceremony, ensuring that the most magical portion of the vows concludes on a high note.
Furthermore, in some cases, the groom going first can be a practical decision based on the length and content of the vows. If the groom has more elaborate or lengthier vows, having them go first can prevent the bride from feeling pressured to match their length or depth. This approach ensures that both partners' vows are appreciated and valued equally, regardless of their duration or style.
Ultimately, the decision of who goes first should be based on what feels most comfortable and meaningful for the couple. While tradition may suggest the groom going first, modern weddings often prioritize equality and personalization. Couples can choose to say their vows in unison, alternate sentences, or even opt for a "repeat after me" format. The most important aspect is that the couple feels empowered to express their love and commitment in a way that reflects their unique relationship.
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Ways to decide who says their vows first
There are a few ways to decide who says their wedding vows first. Here are some options to consider:
Traditional Order
In a heterosexual couple, the traditional order of vows is for the groom to say his vows first, followed by the bride. This tradition stems from patriarchal religious societies where males were considered heads of households, tribes, and clans. However, times have changed, and modern weddings are shifting towards a more gender-neutral and equal ceremony.
Personal Preference
Some couples may prefer to say their vows in a specific order based on their personal circumstances. For example, if one person is more comfortable speaking in front of a crowd, they may choose to go second so that they can feed off the energy of their partner's vows. Additionally, if one person is nervous about public speaking, they may prefer to go first to fully focus on their partner's vows.
Coin Toss or Rock, Paper, Scissors
For couples who are indecisive or want to add an element of fun to their wedding, a coin toss or a game of rock, paper, scissors can be used to determine who says their vows first. This lighthearted approach can be exciting and unexpected, especially if the couple is known for their playful dynamic.
Family Tradition and Culture
Family traditions and cultural customs can also play a role in deciding the order of vows. For example, certain cultures may have specific rituals or beliefs that dictate the order in which the couple exchanges their vows. Respecting and honouring these traditions can be an important aspect of the wedding ceremony.
Input from Officiant or Loved Ones
In some cases, the couple may seek input from their officiant or a trusted loved one. The officiant, being an experienced guide, can help the couple decide based on factors such as who is more emotional on the day or the content of the vows. Similarly, a close family member or friend can provide an outside perspective and vote for who should go first after reading both sets of vows.
Ultimately, the decision of who says their vows first should reflect what is best for the couple. There is no right or wrong way, and each wedding is unique. It is essential to communicate this decision to the officiant early on to ensure a well-organized ceremony script.
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Frequently asked questions
Traditionally, the groom says his vows first, followed by the bride. However, there are no rules for this wedding tradition, and couples can choose to say their vows in any order they prefer.
The tradition of the groom saying his vows first is rooted in the patriarchal nature of religious societies, where males were considered the heads of households, tribes, and clans.
The traditional wedding vow format does not acknowledge same-sex marriages. Same-sex couples can choose their own path and say their vows in any order they prefer.
There are a few considerations to keep in mind. You may want to decide based on who has more to say, with the person saying more going last so it doesn't seem like the other person didn't put effort into their vows. You could also have the bigger crier go first so they can get through their vows without interruption. Ultimately, there is no right or wrong way, and you should choose whatever feels most comfortable for you and your partner.
