Wedding Invitation Etiquette: Whose Names To Include

Wedding invitation wording can be a tricky business, especially when it comes to including parents' names. Traditionally, the bride's parents pay for the wedding and are considered the hosts, so their names go on the invitation. However, modern weddings are breaking with tradition, and many couples are paying for their own weddings or sharing the cost with both sets of parents. In these cases, it's up to the couple to decide whether to include parents' names as a form of honour or keep things simple. Some popular options include using Together with their families or Together with their parents to acknowledge both sides without getting into specific names. Ultimately, the most important thing is to have a conversation with your family beforehand to ensure everyone is on the same page and avoid any hurt feelings.

Parents' names on invitations: traditional vs modern etiquette

When it comes to wedding invitations, the question of whether to include parents' names can be a tricky one. While traditional etiquette dictates that the bride's parents' names are included as hosts of the wedding, modern couples often opt for a more inclusive approach that reflects their unique circumstances and family dynamics. Here's a breakdown of the traditional and modern etiquette surrounding parents' names on wedding invitations:

Traditional Weddings

In traditional weddings, the bride's parents are typically the hosts and primary financial contributors. As such, their names are featured prominently at the beginning of the invitation, with titles and formal wording. For example: "Dr. and Mrs. David Wallace request the honour of your presence at the wedding of their daughter, Bride, to Groom." If the groom's parents are also contributing financially or have prominent names in society, they may be included after the groom's name.

Modern Weddings

Nowadays, couples are increasingly opting for non-traditional weddings that reflect their personalities and values. As such, modern etiquette offers more flexibility when it comes to including parents' names on invitations. Here are some common approaches:

• Together with Their Families: This phrase is often used as a way to acknowledge and respect both the bride's and groom's parents, especially when multiple parties are contributing financially or providing non-financial support. It's also a convenient option to avoid hurt feelings in complex family situations.
• Honouring Parents in Other Ways: Some couples choose to omit parents' names altogether, especially if they are hosting the wedding themselves. Instead, they may find other ways to honour their parents, such as giving them a special mention during the wedding speech or including their names in the wedding programme.
• Customised Wording: Many couples customise the invitation wording to fit their unique family dynamics. For example, they may list all parents' names separately, include only the parents who are contributing financially, or use a combination of formal and informal wording to suit their style.

Key Considerations

When deciding whether and how to include parents' names on wedding invitations, it's important to consider the expectations and feelings of those involved. Having open and honest conversations upfront can help prevent hurt feelings or demands for reprints later on. It's also worth noting that, while guests may not pay much attention to the invitation wording, it's an important way to honour and recognise the contributions of the couple's families.

Who pays vs who hosts

Traditionally, the bride's family bore the majority of the wedding costs, with the groom's family contributing smaller amounts. However, this tradition is based on heteronormative gender roles and is now considered outdated. Nowadays, there are many ways to divide up the costs of a wedding. Some couples pay for the wedding themselves, while others may receive financial support from their families. Ultimately, the decision on how to split the costs is up to the couple and their families.

Bride's Family:

• Wedding venue and vendors
• Engagement party
• Wedding ceremony venue, décor, and music
• Bride's attire and accessories
• Flowers and stationery (e.g. save-the-dates, invitations)
• Day-after brunch (if desired)
• Photography and videography
• Reception floral arrangements, décor, and rentals
• Guest transportation
• Travel and lodging costs for bridesmaids and officiant
• Most other reception expenses

Groom's Family:

• Rehearsal dinner
• Honeymoon
• Alcohol at the reception (in some regions)
• Marriage license and officiant fee
• Corsages and boutonnieres for family members
• Lodging for groomsmen
• DJ or band (optional)

In modern times, it is more common for couples to pay for their own weddings, especially if they are older and financially independent. Additionally, same-sex couples may not divide costs along gender lines and may devise their own budget plan.

When it comes to hosting the wedding, the names of the parents are usually included on the invitation to honour their contribution, whether financial or otherwise. However, this is not a strict rule, and some couples may choose to omit the parents' names altogether. Here are some options for including parents' names on wedding invitations:

• "Together with their parents, [Bride] and [Groom] invite you to their wedding"
• "Mr. and Mrs. [Bride's Parents] and Mr. and Mrs. [Groom's Parents] invite you to the wedding of their children"
• "Together with their families, [Bride] and [Groom] request the honour of your presence at their wedding"
• "Mr. and Mrs. [Bride's Father] and [Bride's Mother] request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter [Bride] to [Groom], son of Mr. and Mrs. [Groom's Parents]"

How to include all parents' names

Including all parents' names on wedding invitations can be tricky, especially when navigating different family dynamics and financial contributions. Here are some ways to approach this:

Traditional Weddings

In traditional weddings, the bride's parents typically pay for and host the wedding, so their names are included as the hosts inviting the guests. The groom's parents are mentioned after his name if they are also contributing financially or have prominent names in society or your town. Here's how to format the invitation based on different family situations:

• Married: "Mr. and Mrs. Charles Schwab"
• Divorced: "Mrs. Mary Johnson and Mr. Charles Schwab"
• Remarried: "Mrs. Mary Johnson and Mr. and Mrs. Charles Schwab"
• Widowed: "Mrs. Mary Schwab and the late Mr. Charles Schwab"

Semi-Formal and Non-Traditional Weddings

If you're having a non-traditional wedding, it's up to you whether to include parents' names as a form of honour or keep the invitations simple. A popular option is to use the phrase "Together with their families" to acknowledge and respect both sides. This approach works well if the couple is paying for the wedding but the parents are still involved or if multiple people are contributing financially. It's also a good choice to avoid hurt feelings in difficult family situations.

Honouring Parents Without Using Their Names

If you prefer not to include parents' names, there are other ways to honour them. You can give them places of honour at the reception or mention them in your wedding speech, thanking them for their support and contribution.

Dealing with Family Expectations

It's important to communicate with your family about their expectations regarding the invitation wording, especially if they are contributing financially. Having an open conversation upfront can prevent hurt feelings and demands for reprints. Remember, while including all parents' names is a nice gesture, the most important thing is to reflect your values and the dynamic of your day.

How to address military wedding invitations

When addressing wedding invitations to military personnel, it is important to get their rank and title right. Here is a guide on how to address military wedding invitations:

Addressing Military Wedding Invitations:

Firstly, it is worth noting that the parents whose names are on the invitations are not necessarily paying for the wedding but are "hosting" it, which can be an honorary duty. For example, a couple who are paying for their wedding may still want to list both sets of parents on the invitation.

When addressing military wedding invitations, the general rule is that only commissioned officers need their rank on a formal invitation. Enlisted personnel can be listed following the typical rules for addressing wedding invitations. However, it is always best to ask the guest how they prefer to be addressed, as communication is key.

Example One: Officer Without a Plus-One

• On the outer envelope: Use the guest's rank, full name, and military branch (e.g., Captain Samantha Hubbard, United States Army)
• On the inner envelope: Use only the guest's rank and surname (e.g., Captain Hubbard)

Example Two: Female With a Plus-One

• On the outer envelope: List the female military member first, followed by their partner (e.g., Captain Khloe Small, United States Army and Mr. Dale Small; Captain Khloe Small, United States Army)
• On the inner envelope: Leave off the first names and use two lines if desired (e.g., Captain and Mr. Small)

Example Three: Male With a Plus-One

• On the outer envelope: Use the guest's full name, title, and branch (e.g., Commander Joshua Saling, United States Navy and Mrs. Susan Saling)
• On the inner envelope: Use the guest's title and surname (e.g., Commander Saling and Mrs. Saling; Commander and Mrs. Saling)

Example Four: The Return Address

If you or a parent who served in the military is collecting the RSVPs, include your title on the return address envelope.

• On the return envelope: Include your title, name, and military branch (e.g., Major Peter Smith, United States Marines and Ms. Alexandra Armstrong)
• If both you and your partner serve in the military, list both titles (e.g., Colonel Peter Smith and Major Charlie Jones, United States Marine Corps)

Addressing Retired Military Wedding Invitations:

If a commissioned officer in the military is retired, they keep their title. However, anyone who left military service without retiring does not retain their title. Therefore, it is crucial to know the career history of the person you are addressing. You can ask about their current formal title, and some officers may prefer to be referred to as "Mr.", "Ms.", or similar.

• On the outer envelope: Include the guest's title, name, and military branch, followed by "Retired" (e.g., Lieutenant Commander Robert Armstrong, United States Navy, Retired)
• On the inner envelope: Leave off the first name and retired designation (e.g., Lieutenant Commander Armstrong and guest)

Abbreviating Rank and Branch:

Typically, rank is not abbreviated on military invitations, and ordinal words such as "first" and "second" should be spelled out. However, you can abbreviate a title for a black-tie event. The military branch does not need to be included on the invitation, but it can be helpful for clarity, especially when distinguishing between different branches (e.g., a captain in the Army vs. a captain in the Navy).

Addressing Couples with Distinguished Titles:

When addressing a couple where one or both partners have distinguished titles, such as doctors, lawyers, judges, or military personnel, it is proper etiquette to address them by those titles on the wedding invitation envelope. List the guest with the higher-ranking title first, or alphabetically if the titles are of equal rank.

Example One: Doctors

• On the outer envelope: Dr. Anne Barker and Mr. Peter Underwood (if the doctor uses their partner's surname socially: Dr. Anne and Mr. Peter Underwood)
• On the inner envelope: Dr. Barker and Mr. Underwood (if both are doctors: The Doctors Underwood)

Example Two: Military Personnel

• On the outer envelope: Lieutenant Jonathan Kelly, US Navy and Mrs. Jane Kelly (if both have military titles: Captains Jane and Jonathan Kelly, US Navy)
• On the inner envelope: Lieutenant Kelly, US Navy and Mrs. Kelly

Example Three: Lawyers

• On the outer envelope: Michelle Brown, Esq. and Mr. John Brown (if both are attorneys: Michelle Brown, Esq. and John Brown, Esq.)
• On the inner envelope: Mr. and Mrs. Brown

Example Four: Judges

• On the outer envelope: The Honorable Gina Rodriguez and Mx. Alice Rodriguez
• On the inner envelope: Judge Rodriguez and Mx. Rodriguez

What to do if your parents expect their names to be on the invites

Wedding invitation wording can be a tricky business, especially when parents have certain expectations. If your parents expect their names to be on the invites, there are a few things you can do to navigate this situation:

Understand the Traditional Etiquette:

Firstly, it's important to understand the traditional wedding invitation etiquette. In traditional weddings, the bride's parents are typically considered the hosts and primary financial contributors. As such, their names would appear on the invitation as the hosts inviting the guests. The standard wording would be something like, "Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So request the honor of your presence at the wedding of their daughter, Whatsherface, to Thisguy."

Communicate Directly:

Have an open and honest conversation with your parents about their expectations. Explain your concerns and see if there is a compromise that can be reached. Be respectful but firm in expressing your wishes for your wedding invitations. It's important that everyone involved is on the same page to avoid any last-minute surprises.

Offer Alternative Ways to Honour Them:

If your parents are set on having their names included, you can suggest alternative ways to honour them without using the traditional wording. For example, you could use a more modern approach such as "Together with their families, Bride and Groom joyfully request your presence at their wedding." This acknowledges both sets of parents without implying that they are hosting or paying for the wedding.

Include Parents' Names in Other Ways:

If including your parents' names on the invitation is important to them, consider alternative ways to do so. You could add a separate insert or enclosure card with your parents' names, especially if they are hosting a rehearsal dinner or another wedding-related event. Another option is to include their names in the wedding programme or give them a special mention during your wedding speech, thanking them for their contribution.

Discuss Financial Contributions:

It's important to have a clear understanding of who is contributing financially to the wedding and to what extent. If your parents are contributing significantly, they may feel more entitled to have their names on the invitations. Discuss financial contributions openly and decide if this warrants their inclusion on the invites.

Be Mindful of Family Dynamics:

Consider any difficult family dynamics or sensitive relationships that may impact your decision. For example, if your parents are divorced, you may want to list them separately or use a more general phrase like "Together with their families" to avoid drama. Ultimately, you want to find a solution that respects your parents' wishes while also staying true to your vision for your wedding invitations.

Frequently asked questions