Wedding Off: Navigating The Aftermath

Calling off a wedding is never easy. It can be a traumatic and emotionally painful experience, and there are many logistical issues to take care of. There may be issues regarding who has to pay for what, and what to do about cancelled plans. If the separation is not amicable, it can be difficult to manage paying off vendors and getting your property back. There may also be questions about who gets to keep the engagement ring, and what to do with the wedding dress.

Who pays for the wedding?

When a wedding is called off, the parties involved may have to deal with the issue of who pays for what. This can be a tricky situation, especially if the separation is not amicable. In general, the person who signed the contract with a vendor is responsible for paying the bill. If both parties signed the contract, they may both be liable for the expenses. It is important to carefully review any contracts and be aware of the cancellation policies.

In terms of traditional wedding etiquette, the bride's family typically pays for most of the wedding-related expenses, including the engagement party, invitations, wedding gown, floral arrangements, ceremony and reception costs, transportation, and photography/videography. The groom's family traditionally covers the marriage license and officiant fee, rehearsal dinner, alcohol for the reception, and lodging for the groomsmen. The bride is expected to pay for the groom's wedding ring, bridesmaids' lunch or party, and accommodations for the bridal party. The groom pays for the engagement and wedding rings, accommodations for the groomsmen, and their lunch or party.

However, these traditions are evolving, and nowadays, it is common for couples to contribute financially to their wedding, especially if they are older and financially independent. Same-sex couples may also have different considerations when it comes to financial contributions. It is essential to have open and honest communication about budget and expectations with all parties involved to avoid misunderstandings and ensure a clear understanding of financial responsibilities.

Who keeps the engagement ring?

When a wedding is called off, one of the many questions that arise is who gets to keep the engagement ring. The answer to this question depends on the law in your state.

Engagement Rings as Conditional Gifts

Most states consider engagement rings to be "conditional gifts" made "in contemplation of marriage". This means that the ring is given with the understanding that the couple will get married in the future and symbolizes a verbal contract. If the marriage does not take place, the ring is returned to the giver. In these cases, it usually does not matter who ended the engagement, only that the condition of marriage was not met.

Engagement Rings as Absolute Gifts

A minority of states, including Montana, consider engagement rings to be "unconditional gifts" that belong to the recipient regardless of whether the couple gets married. In these states, the receiver can keep the ring even if the wedding does not occur and regardless of who broke off the engagement.

Fault-Based Approaches

Some states take a "fault-based" approach, where the person who calls off the engagement is not allowed to keep the ring. For example, in California, the donor of the ring may have the ring back if there is a mutual agreement to end the engagement or if the recipient ended the relationship.

No-Fault Approaches

Most states prefer a "no-fault" approach, where the giver of the ring gets to keep it, regardless of who ended the engagement. This approach is similar to no-fault divorce laws, which are available in every state.

Etiquette

While the law varies on who is entitled to keep the ring, from an etiquette standpoint, it is generally considered good manners to return the ring if the engagement is called off, especially if the ring is a family heirloom with sentimental value.

What to do with the dress?

Calling off a wedding can be an emotional and difficult time. There are many logistical issues to take care of, and one of the most significant is what to do with the wedding dress. Here are some options for addressing this:

Cancellation Policy

If you have ordered a special dress from a bridal salon, ask if the dress has been cut yet. If not, you may be able to negotiate a cancellation fee. The sooner you do this, the better, as you may be bound by a non-refundable contract. Bridal salons are used to dealing with this situation, so don't be afraid to ask for help. If the situation is too emotional, enlist a family member or friend to make the arrangements for you.

Resale Websites

There are websites dedicated to selling pre-owned wedding dresses. For a small listing fee, they will advertise your gown and ship it to the buyer. This is a straightforward way to recoup some of the costs of the dress and can be less emotionally taxing than attempting to sell the dress yourself.

Sample Sales

If a bridal salon is having a sample sale, you can ask the manager to include your dress. Agree on a minimum price, and make it unbeatable so you can cut your losses and bring closure to the situation.

Consignment Shops

Consignment shops may enable you to recover some of your investment. Check their policies, and maintain constant contact with the shop to ensure your dress stays top-of-mind with the consultants.

Charity Donation

Donating your dress to charity can provide a well-deserved tax deduction while also helping someone in need. This option allows you to benefit someone else and bring a positive outcome to a difficult situation.

Dealing with a called-off wedding is never easy, but by taking care of the logistical issues, you can bring some closure and move forward.

How to notify guests?

Calling off a wedding can be a difficult and emotional experience, and there are many logistical issues to take care of. Here is a step-by-step guide on how to notify your guests:

Step 1: Choose a Method of Communication

If you have only sent save-the-dates, a printed card should be posted to your guests. This can be worded similarly to the invitations, for example: "Mr and Mrs John Smith announce that the marriage of their daughter Suzy Q to John Brown will not take place." Alternatively, you could send out plain postcards with a simple sentence such as: "The wedding between John Smith and Suzy Q has been postponed indefinitely."

If invitations have already been sent, it is best to call each guest on the list as soon as possible. This task can be shared among a small team of trusted friends or family members. It is also a good idea to email your guests, but be aware that many may reply asking what happened, which may be a topic you don't want to discuss. If you do choose to email, make sure that all recipients are BCC'd to avoid any "reply all" issues.

Step 2: Prepare a Script

It can be helpful to prepare a "script" to use on phone calls, especially if you think you may become emotional. There is no need for lengthy explanations or apologies. A simple message will suffice, for example: "We regret to inform you that the wedding of X and X is cancelled. We kindly request that you do not contact us with questions as we go through this difficult time. We apologise for any inconvenience."

Step 3: Notify Out-of-Town Guests Urgently

It is important to notify guests who may have already purchased plane tickets and booked accommodation as soon as possible, so that they can cancel their bookings.

Step 4: Ask for Support

Notifying your guests can be a difficult and emotional task. If you feel unable to do it yourself, ask for support from your bridal party, family members, or close friends.

Step 5: Avoid Social Media

Avoid posting about the wedding cancellation on social media, unless you want a barrage of questions from well-meaning friends and family.

What about gifts?

If you've been invited to a wedding that's been called off, you may be wondering what to do about gifts. Here are some guidelines and suggestions to help you navigate this situation:

Firstly, it's important to note that wedding gifts are not mandatory, even if you are attending the wedding. However, gifts are still appreciated and expected, especially if you are close to the couple. If you do decide to give a gift, it is generally considered polite to send it shortly after receiving the invitation or within three months of the wedding date. Aim to have your gift arrive just before the wedding to avoid any overlap with the honeymoon period, unless you know someone is at home to receive packages.

In the case of a cancelled wedding, you may want to return or repurpose your gift. If you've ordered something perishable, such as baked goods, you can always save your gift for the new date if the wedding is postponed. Most retailers offer wedding registries, which are a convenient way to choose a gift that the couple wants and needs. It's generally a good idea to stick to these registries, but if there is nothing in your price range, you can opt for a nice household item or an experiential gift.

Group gifts are also a great option, especially for more expensive items on the registry. Contributing to a group gift is a wonderful way to give the couple something they'll love while staying within your budget. Just remember that everyone who contributes should sign their name to the card so the couple knows who to thank.

Monetary gifts are also becoming increasingly common and are often the perfect choice for couples saving for a house or a special trip. You can send money directly to the couple or contribute to their financial gift registry.

Lastly, if you can't attend the wedding, it is still considered polite to send a gift, unless it's not within your budget or ability to do so. In that case, a heartfelt congratulations card can be a lovely way to share your well wishes.

Frequently asked questions