Cold Feet Before The Wedding: Normal Nerves Or Red Flag?

Cold feet is a term used to describe feelings of uncertainty and fear about an impending wedding. It is often characterised by doubts about the decision to marry and can be quite distressing for those involved. While pre-wedding jitters are common and expected, cold feet can be more debilitating and cause people to question their relationship and their future spouse. This phenomenon is not unique to weddings, but can occur in any situation where a big decision or commitment is involved.

The term cold feet itself is believed to have originated from soldiers who developed frostbite and were unable to serve, or gamblers who got cold feet and walked away from a poker game.

It's normal to have pre-wedding jitters or cold feet

It is perfectly normal to experience pre-wedding jitters or cold feet. In fact, a study from the Journal of Family Psychology reported that at least one person in 85% of couples experienced cold feet before the wedding. It is a big decision, and it is only natural to have some concerns or fears.

Cold feet are feelings of uncertainty and fear about going through with a wedding. It is often characterised by doubts about the person you are marrying. It is more debilitating than pre-wedding jitters, which centre more on the wedding itself and the impact it will have on your life.

Signs of cold feet

• Increased fighting and other behavioural changes: You may find yourself taking out your worries on your partner, leading to more frequent fights or finding them annoying.
• Intense anxiety: You may experience intense anxiety around wedding planning, breaking down over minor details.
• Loss of sex drive: You may lose your sex drive as your mind becomes occupied with wedding planning and your life ahead.
• Bad dreams: The stress of a big life change can manifest in nightmares or bad dreams.
• Attracted to others: You may find yourself noticing other attractive people and questioning whether you are getting married too soon.

What to do if you have cold feet

• Talk about it: Discuss your fears and doubts with your partner, a therapist or religious counsellor.
• Scale back: If you are stressed about the financial burden of a big wedding, consider scaling back and keeping it small and intimate.
• Stress management: Practise deep breathing, exercise and healthy eating to help manage your moods.
• Focus on the honeymoon: Take your mind off the wedding and think about the fun you will have on your honeymoon.
• Take a break: Take a few days off from wedding planning to help you feel more balanced and renewed.
• Seek perspective: Talk to your parents or other married couples to gain perspective and remind yourself that pre-wedding jitters are normal.

Remember, it is normal to have cold feet, and it does not mean that your marriage is doomed. It is a sign that you are aware of the commitment you are making, and talking about these feelings can help you build a stronger foundation for your marriage.

Cold feet can be a sign of something more serious

While it's normal to experience some degree of anxiety before your wedding, cold feet can sometimes be a sign of something more serious. If you're feeling nervous about your upcoming nuptials, it's important to explore what your feelings are trying to tell you and take meaningful action. Here are some signs that your cold feet could be indicative of a deeper issue:

• Increased fighting and behavioural changes: If you find yourself arguing more frequently with your partner, becoming annoyed by their habits, or experiencing a decrease in your sex drive, it might be a sign that there are underlying issues in your relationship that need to be addressed.
• Intense anxiety and doubts: If you're experiencing overwhelming doubts about your future together, such as questioning whether your partner is the right person or if you want to get married at all, it's important to explore these feelings further.
• Paralyzing anxiety: While some anxiety is normal, if it becomes too overwhelming and starts affecting other areas of your life, such as work or self-care, it could be a sign that there is a deeper issue within the relationship.
• Communication issues: Difficulty articulating your fears and anxieties to your partner, or an unwillingness to hear their concerns, could indicate that your relationship is not ready for the next step.
• Unrealistic expectations: If you're feeling anxious due to unrealistic expectations about your wedding, partner, or marriage, it's important to challenge these expectations and set more realistic goals.

If you're experiencing any of these signs, it's important to seek help from a professional therapist or counsellor. They can help you explore your feelings, identify the root cause of your cold feet, and provide guidance on how to address any underlying issues. Remember, it's normal to have some pre-wedding jitters, but if your cold feet are impacting your life in a negative way, it's important to take action and seek support.

Talk to your partner about your feelings

It's completely normal to have doubts before getting married. Marriage is a profound commitment and brings about substantial changes, not just in your relationship status but in your life's trajectory. If you're experiencing cold feet, it's important to talk to your partner about your feelings. Here are some tips to help you navigate this difficult conversation:

Be Open and Honest

Explain to your partner what you're feeling and why. It's important to be honest and transparent about your doubts and anxieties. Share your concerns and listen to your partner's perspective. This is a time to deepen your connection and strengthen your bond by being vulnerable and supportive of each other.

Explore the Root Cause

Try to understand the underlying reasons for your cold feet. Are your doubts related to the wedding itself, such as logistics, family dynamics, or financial concerns? Or are they related to your relationship, such as compatibility, shared life goals, or past trauma? Identifying the root cause will help you address the issues more effectively.

Seek Professional Help

If you're struggling to communicate your feelings or if your partner is unresponsive, consider seeking premarital counselling. A therapist can provide guidance and tools to help you navigate this challenging time. Premarital counselling can also help you develop stronger communication skills and a deeper understanding of each other's needs and expectations.

Remember, It's Normal

It's important to remember that having cold feet is normal and doesn't necessarily mean that there's something wrong with your relationship. Most couples experience some level of doubt and anxiety before their wedding. However, if your cold feet are accompanied by other red flags, such as a lack of communication, irreconcilable differences, or abusive behaviour, it may be a sign to reevaluate your relationship.

Take a Break from Wedding Planning

Wedding planning can be stressful, and it's easy to become overwhelmed. Take some time away from wedding planning to focus on self-care and reconnect with your partner. This will help you gain perspective and renew your energy. Remember, it's okay to postpone the wedding if needed to address any unresolved issues.

Focus on the Positives

While it's important to address your concerns, try to maintain a positive outlook. Focus on the reasons why you fell in love with your partner and the aspects of your relationship that bring you joy. Remind yourself of the fun you'll have on your honeymoon and the life you'll build together. This can help shift your mindset and ease some of your anxieties.

Seek professional help if you're unable to vocalise your fears

It is completely normal to experience cold feet before your wedding. However, if you are unable to vocalise your fears, it may be beneficial to seek professional help. Here are some reasons why seeking professional help can be helpful:

• Addressing Communication Issues: If you find it challenging to express your anxieties or listen to your partner's concerns, it could indicate underlying communication issues in your relationship. A therapist or counsellor can help you improve your communication skills and enhance your ability to vocalise your thoughts and emotions effectively.
• Exploring the Root Cause: By talking to a professional, you can delve into the root cause of your fears. Are your cold feet related to pre-wedding jitters, or is there a deeper issue within the relationship? A professional can help you differentiate between normal nerves and something more significant.
• Managing Intense Anxiety: If your anxiety is overwhelming and affecting your daily life, it's important to seek help. A licensed therapist can provide you with tools and techniques to manage your anxiety and improve your overall well-being. They can also help you explore the sources of your anxiety and develop strategies to address them.
• Conflict Resolution: Sometimes, cold feet can manifest as increased fighting or behavioural changes towards your partner. If you find yourself taking out your anxieties on your partner, therapy can help you address these issues constructively. Learning healthy conflict resolution skills can strengthen your relationship and improve your ability to handle challenges together.
• Personal Growth and Self-Reflection: Seeking professional help provides a safe and non-judgmental space for self-reflection. It allows you to explore your thoughts and emotions deeply and gain a better understanding of yourself and your relationship. This process can promote personal growth and help you approach your wedding and marriage with increased self-awareness and confidence.

Remember, seeking professional help is a sign of strength and commitment to your well-being and relationship. By taking this step, you are prioritising your mental health and giving yourself the support you need during this significant life transition.

Take a break from wedding planning

Wedding planning can be stressful, and it's completely normal to need a break from it. Here are some signs that you and your partner should take a step back and pause the planning process:

Arguments and Unresolved Conflict

If you and your partner are experiencing an increase in heated arguments that are consistently left unresolved, this could be a red flag that wedding planning stress is impacting your relationship negatively. Take a break from planning and focus on resolving these conflicts through open and honest communication.

Lack of Excitement

If the thought of planning your wedding fills you with dread instead of excitement, it's time to put things on pause. Reflect on what is causing this shift in your feelings and address any underlying concerns or anxieties.

Difficulty in Compromising

If you and your partner are struggling to compromise and make decisions together, it may be a sign that a break is needed. Use this time to reflect on your priorities and work on improving your flexibility and willingness to meet each other halfway.

Unhealthy Communication

Unhealthy communication styles, such as critical attacks, defensive reactions, stonewalling, or contempt, can indicate that wedding planning stress is taking a toll. Take a step back and work on improving your communication, ensuring that both of you feel heard, respected, and understood.

Anxiety and Stress

If you or your partner are displaying signs of anxiety, such as feeling overwhelmed, having trouble sleeping or making decisions, or losing interest in activities, it's time to take a break. Prioritize self-care and manage stress through relaxation techniques, exercise, or seeking professional support.

Consumed by the Wedding Process

When wedding planning consumes your conversations and becomes the primary source of stress in your relationship, it's time to take a break. Ensure that wedding planning remains a part of your relationship but doesn't take over your entire dynamic. Focus on reconnecting and nurturing your bond.

Withdrawing from Each Other

If planning isn't fun anymore and you find yourself discussing wedding details more with your wedding party or planner than with your partner, it's a sign to reevaluate. Take a break and reflect on how the stress is impacting you both, and work on reconnecting and supporting each other.

Remember, it's okay to take a step back and reset. Wedding planning can be overwhelming, and taking a break can help you approach it with renewed energy and enthusiasm.

Frequently asked questions