George Boyle
The word obey in wedding vows has been a topic of contention for many years, with some viewing it as an important part of the marital relationship and others deeming it outdated and cringe-worthy. While it is still present in some religious ceremonies, its usage has declined due to its association with male dominance and female subservience. Princess Diana's omission of obey from her wedding vows in 1981 is often cited as a pivotal moment, and the word has since been replaced with love and cherish in many traditions. Today, couples have greater freedom to write unique, personalised vows that reflect their union and values.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Origin of the word "obey" in wedding vows | Ancient Romans |
| Traditional wedding vow with the word "obey" | "I, ____, take thee, ___, to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and obey, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I give thee my troth." |
| The word "obey" in Catholic wedding vows | Not included |
| The word "obey" in the Church of England wedding vows | Introduced in 1549 |
| Changes in the wedding vows | In 1922, the Episcopal Church voted to remove the word "obey" from the bride's section of wedding vows. In 1928, the word was replaced with "love and cherish" due to the women's suffragist movement. |
| Current use of the word "obey" in wedding vows | Uncommon, but still present in some religious ceremonies |
| Opinions on the word "obey" in modern wedding vows | Some people view it as outdated and reflecting a power dynamic or male hierarchy in the relationship. Others see it as a pledge of respect and unconditional support. |
| Alternatives to the word "obey" in wedding vows | "Love and cherish", "yield", or other unique wording that reflects the couple's union and beliefs. |
| Flexibility in wedding vows | Couples can work with their officiant to choose wording that aligns with their values and beliefs. |
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What You'll Learn
The history of the word 'obey' in wedding vows
The word "obey" in wedding vows has been a topic of debate for many years. While some people view it as a traditional and important part of the marital relationship, others consider it controversial and unpopular in modern times. Here is a brief history of the word "obey" in wedding vows:
The word "obey" in wedding vows originated from ancient Roman traditions, where women were considered the property of their fathers and subsequently their husbands. This tradition was later adopted by the Christian Church, specifically the Church of England, in 1549 with the release of its first Book of Common Prayer. In this version, brides were expected to pledge to "love, cherish and obey" their husbands.
However, as women gained greater freedoms and the women's suffragist movement gained momentum in the 1920s, the word "obey" came under scrutiny. In 1928, the Church of England offered an alternative vow, suggesting that couples could choose to simply "'love and cherish' each other instead." The word was dropped from Episcopal marriage ceremonies earlier, in the 1920s, and it also vanished from American Christian ceremonies in the 1960s.
The inclusion of "obey" in wedding vows has been associated with biblical teachings, specifically Ephesians 5:21-24, which states, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ". However, Tanya Pushkine, the founder of The Vow Whisperer, argues that there is no mention of marriage vows in the Bible. Instead, she traces the first mention of marriage vows to the Medieval Church in England, where a prayer book from 1549 inspired the traditional phrases still used today.
In modern times, the word "obey" in wedding vows is rarely used. Princess Diana, for example, omitted the word from her wedding vows when she married Prince Charles in 1981, setting a precedent for many brides today. While some Christian women still choose to include it as a pledge of respect and unconditional support, the majority interpret it as a submission of free will and a sign of subservience. Ultimately, the inclusion of "obey" in wedding vows remains a personal choice, with couples having the option to write their own vows or select from traditional phrases.
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Why some people want to keep it
The word "obey" in wedding vows is rooted in centuries-old Christian beliefs and social rules. It was introduced by the Church of England in 1549 when it released its first Book of Common Prayer. The word was also present in the oldest traditional wedding vows, which can be traced back to the manuals of the medieval church.
Despite its history, the word "obey" in wedding vows is unpopular today. It is viewed as controversial and outdated, with many couples choosing to omit it from their vows. However, some people still want to keep it. Here are some reasons why:
Religious Beliefs
For some, the word "obey" in wedding vows has a religious connection. They believe that it is an important part of the marital relationship and a pledge to respect their spouse's wishes. They interpret the vow as a declaration of trust and unconditional support in their spouse's role as the head of the household. This view is supported by certain biblical passages, such as Ephesians 5:21-24, which states, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord."
Free Will and Mutual Respect
Some women interpret the word "obey" as a submission of free will and a sign of mutual respect in the relationship. They view it as a declaration of their unwavering love and support for their spouse, rather than a sign of weakness or subservience.
Tradition and Cultural Significance
Some couples may choose to include "obey" in their wedding vows to honour tradition and cultural heritage. They may see value in preserving the long-standing traditions associated with marriage, even if they are not universally practised or popular.
Personal Choice and Customization
Ultimately, the decision to include or omit any word or phrase in wedding vows is a personal choice. Some couples may feel that the word "obey" reflects their unique relationship dynamic or their interpretation of gender roles within marriage. They have the freedom to customise their vows and include words that align with their beliefs and values.
While the word "obey" in wedding vows is not as widely used as it once was, some people still choose to include it for a variety of reasons, including religious beliefs, interpretations of free will and mutual respect, tradition, and personal customization.
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Why some people want to remove it
The word "obey" in wedding vows is rooted in centuries-old Christian beliefs and social rules. The original wording likely originated among the ancient Romans, who viewed females as the property of first their fathers and then their husbands. As the seat of Christianity, this social rule travelled from Rome to other regions of Europe, maintaining its status quo from the Middle Ages until the women's suffragist movement.
The word "obey" in wedding vows is unpopular today. Through a historical lens, the promise to obey a husband carries negative connotations. The majority of modern women continue to interpret the word as submission and a loss of free will. As women gained greater freedoms, the subservient word became controversial.
The word "obey" in wedding vows has been scrutinized and debated for decades. The women's suffragist movement in the 1920s achieved sweeping changes, including encouraging the Church of England to offer an alternative to the biased vow. An updated version of the Book of Common Prayer suggested that couples could promise to ""love and cherish" each other instead of using the word "obey".
The word "obey" is still included in some wedding vows, and some Christian women are embracing the wording, viewing the vow as a pledge to respect their husband's wishes and an unwavering declaration of trust and support. However, many brides have reported feeling uncomfortable with the word, and some have chosen to omit it from their vows or replace it with alternative wording.
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Alternatives to the word 'obey'
The word "obey" in wedding vows is rooted in centuries-old Christian beliefs and social rules. It was introduced by the Church of England in 1549 and was later adopted by other Christian denominations. However, in modern times, the word "obey" has become increasingly unpopular in wedding vows due to its connotations of submission and male dominance.
"Love and cherish": This alternative gained popularity during the women's suffrage movement in the 1920s, replacing the word "obey" with a more mutual expression of affection and commitment.
Mutual submission: While some biblical passages encourage wives to submit to their husbands, couples may prefer to emphasise mutual submission and respect within the marriage. This could be reflected in vows that focus on mutual support, trust, and honouring each other's wishes.
"Yield": Some conservative circles suggest that "yield" could be a less authoritative alternative to "obey". However, this suggestion still implies a level of power dynamics within the relationship.
Personalised vows: Many couples now choose to write their own unique wedding vows, reflecting their individual beliefs and values. By creating personalised vows, couples can express their commitment and love without using outdated or controversial language.
It is worth noting that some Christian women are embracing the word "obey" again, interpreting it as a pledge of respect and unconditional support for their husband's role as the head of the household. Ultimately, the choice of wedding vows depends on the beliefs and values of the couple, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach.
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Religious perspectives on the word 'obey' in wedding vows
The word 'obey' in wedding vows has been a topic of debate for many years. While it is not included in Catholic wedding vows, the Church of England introduced it in 1549 with its first Book of Common Prayer. Brides were required to pledge to "love, cherish and obey" their husbands.
Christian Perspectives
The word 'obey' in wedding vows is rooted in centuries-old Christian beliefs and social rules. Some Christian women are embracing the wording, viewing the vow as a pledge to respect their husband's wishes and an unwavering declaration of trust and unconditional support in the man's role as head of the household. They argue that when a husband takes his responsibility as a leader seriously, promising to obey becomes an easy choice.
However, with changing societal norms and a move towards gender equality, many Christian couples are choosing to remove this word from their vows. They interpret the word as a sign of submission and a symbol of unequal power dynamics between men and women. The women's suffragist movement in the 1920s played a significant role in encouraging the Church of England to offer alternatives to the biased vow.
Jewish Perspectives
Although not explicitly mentioned, the concept of obedience in wedding vows may have been present in ancient Jewish weddings. Hebrew women in ancient times were afforded their own room or even a separate house or tent after the wedding, indicating a level of privacy and authority that was respected.
Muslim Perspectives
While I could not find specific information on Muslim perspectives regarding the word 'obey' in wedding vows, it is worth noting that in Islamic weddings, the concept of obedience may be addressed. In traditional Islamic marriages, the husband is typically considered the head of the household, and wives are encouraged to be obedient and respectful towards their husbands. However, it is unclear if this is explicitly mentioned in the wedding vows.
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Frequently asked questions
The word "obey" is not commonly used in modern wedding vows. The word has negative and controversial connotations, as it implies a power dynamic and submissiveness, especially in heteronormative relationships. However, some couples may still choose to include it in their vows, viewing it as a sign of respect and unconditional support.
The word "obey" was removed from wedding vows due to the Women's Suffrage movement in the 1920s, which advocated for the removal of the word due to its patriarchal implications. The Episcopal Church voted to remove the word from the bride's vows in 1922, and it was replaced with "love and cherish" in many traditions.
No, it is not mandatory to include the word "obey" in wedding vows. Wedding vows are not universal and can be personalized by the couple. While some religious denominations may have specific guidelines, the specific words used are generally up to the couple and their officiant.
