Writing Inclusive Vows: A Guide To Crafting Gender-Neutral Wedding Vows

Writing your own wedding vows is a beautiful way to express your love and commitment to your partner. When it comes to crafting gender-neutral vows, there are several ways to ensure your ceremony is inclusive and reflective of your values. Firstly, consider using gender-neutral language and avoiding binary terms such as bride, groom, husband, or wife. Opt for more inclusive terms like partner, fiancé, spouse, or the cute and playful nearlywed. You can also address your partner as your significant other or best person.

When writing your vows, focus on your partner's qualities, the strengths they bring to your relationship, and the ways in which they inspire and support you. Share meaningful stories and express your intentions for a future filled with equality and mutual growth. You can also incorporate gender-neutral readings or poems that capture the spirit of love without specifying gender. Remember, your vows are a celebration of your union, so feel free to inject your own values and perspectives while steering clear of outdated traditions that no longer serve you.

Avoid gendered language and pronouns

Writing gender-neutral wedding vows is a great way to ensure your ceremony is inclusive and reflective of your values. Here are some tips to help you avoid gendered language and pronouns:

Avoid Gendered Pronouns

Instead of using "he" or "she", opt for gender-neutral pronouns such as "they" or "them". This simple change makes your vows more inclusive and can be applied to most sentences. For example, instead of saying, "I promise to support and care for her", say "I promise to support and care for them". This small adjustment ensures that your vows are not limited by gender stereotypes and can be adapted for any couple, regardless of gender identity.

Choose Inclusive Nouns

Traditional wedding vows often include gendered nouns like "husband" and "wife". To make your vows gender-neutral, replace these terms with words like "spouse", "partner", or simply use each other's names. For instance, instead of saying, "I take you as my lawful husband/wife", say "I take you as my lawful spouse/partner". This way, you avoid gendered language and create a more modern and inclusive sentiment.

Be Mindful of Gendered Phrases

Many common phrases used in traditional wedding vows are gendered. For example, "man and wife", "bride and groom", or "husband and wife". To make your vows gender-neutral, adapt or replace these phrases. You can say "married couple" instead of "husband and wife", or simply use your names, such as "John and Emily". By being mindful of these small details, you create a ceremony that is respectful of all gender identities.

Focus on Equality and Reciprocity

When writing your vows, emphasise equality and reciprocity. Instead of using phrases that imply ownership or power imbalance, such as "to have and to hold", focus on mutual respect and partnership. You can say, "I promise to love, honour, and support you as my equal" or "Together, we will build a life based on shared values and goals". This approach ensures your vows reflect a modern perspective on marriage, celebrating the unique dynamics of your relationship.

Modify Traditional Vows

If you want to incorporate traditional vows, you can modify them to make them gender-neutral. For example, instead of saying, "To love, honour, and obey", you can say, "To love and honour, in sickness and in health". By keeping the core sentiment while adapting the language, you create vows that feel familiar yet inclusive. Remember, you can always add or remove phrases to better represent your values and beliefs.

Writing gender-neutral wedding vows is a thoughtful way to ensure your special day celebrates your union in a way that aligns with your values. These suggestions provide a foundation for crafting vows that are inclusive, meaningful, and true to who you are as a couple.

Include meaningful stories

When writing gender-neutral wedding vows, it's important to reframe meaningful stories to showcase your values and reasons for love. This can be done by focusing on the give-and-take nature of your relationship and sharing stories about what your partner has given you and how they have made you a better person. This not only compliments your partner but also gives your guests a glimpse into the dynamics of your relationship.

"When we first met, you told me you were tired of bullshit and ready for something real. Well, my love, we've built something more real and authentic than anything I could have dreamed up!"

"In a world with 8 billion people, it's still rare to meet someone who will take the time to see us as we really are. And yet, with you, I felt from those first days—when you sat with me in the courtyard, just talking about everything and anything, movies, childhoods, classes—that you really saw me. And I feel every day that you still see me. And that you love me, just as I am."

"I never dreamed I'd meet someone who loves baseball as much as I do. And I know that over time, you'll learn to root for the right team... But no matter how long that takes, or what challenges we face along the way, I know you're the one for me, babe, and I love you forever. We are the perfect team, you and me."

"I know that our love is heaven-sent, and I promise to be here forever and always. I pledge to respect your unique talents and abilities, to lend you strength to reach your dreams. I promise to take care of you, to encourage and inspire you, asking that you be no other than yourself. From this day forward, you shall not walk alone. My heart will be your shelter, and my arms will be your home."

"I felt pretty strongly that it was important to have something about partnership, even if we didn't call each other partners. I promise to love and support you as you continue to grow and learn. I promise to make time to play your favourite games and mine. I promise to try to make the world a better place with you. I promise to laugh with you and cry with you through good times and bad. Most of all, I promise to be your equal partner forever."

Make balanced promises

Writing your own wedding vows is a great way to showcase your personal ideals and values as a couple. It's important to ensure that your vows are balanced and illustrate your commitment in terms of reciprocity and equality. Here are some tips and examples to help you craft gender-neutral vows that reflect a modern and progressive perspective:

Highlight Equality and Reciprocity

Ensure that your vows emphasise equality and reciprocity. Avoid any implications of possession or explicit power imbalances. Instead, focus on mutual support, respect, and acceptance. For example, you could say: "I promise to listen to you and learn from you, to support you and accept your support."

Honour Individual Strengths

Recognise and honour each other's individual strengths and contributions to the relationship that defy traditional gender norms. For instance, if one partner has a talent for cooking, they could vow to take charge of family meals. By acknowledging and valuing each other's unique skills, you reinforce the idea of a balanced and equal partnership.

Avoid Gendered Language

Steer clear of gendered language or phrases that imply ownership or traditional gender roles. Instead of using terms like "husband" or "wife," opt for more neutral language such as "partner." Avoid phrases like "to have and to hold" or "to take [your partner]," as they can imply possession and dehumanisation. Choose language that reflects your values of equality and mutual respect.

Personalise Your Vows

Infuse your vows with personal touches that reflect your unique relationship. Share meaningful stories or experiences that showcase how your partner has supported and inspired you. By including specific examples, you add depth and authenticity to your vows. For instance, you could say: "You've always believed in my dreams and pushed me to be the best version of myself. I promise to do the same for you and encourage your growth in all endeavours."

Include a Mutual Promise

Consider including a mutual promise that symbolises your commitment to creating a compassionate and respectful home together. For example: "Will you strive to build a home that is compassionate to all, full of respect and honour, filled with happiness and love?" This type of vow unifies you as a couple and emphasises your shared values.

Sample Vows

"I, [name], take you, [name], as my partner in life. I promise to love and support you unconditionally through all life's challenges and triumphs. I will respect and honour you, cherishing our unique strengths and embracing our differences. I vow to always be open and honest with you, nurturing our love and building a home filled with compassion and respect. I am grateful to have you by my side, and I am excited for the journey ahead as we continue to grow and learn together."

Choose an inclusive officiant

When planning a gender-neutral wedding, it's important to choose an inclusive officiant who aligns with your values and beliefs. Here are some tips to consider when selecting an officiant for your special day:

Understanding of Gender Inclusivity:

Look for an officiant who understands the spectrum of gender identities and is well-versed in using gender-neutral language and pronouns. They should be respectful and knowledgeable about the LGBTQIA+ community, creating a safe and welcoming environment for everyone involved.

Experience with LGBTQIA+ Couples:

Consider selecting an officiant with experience in working with LGBTQIA+ couples. This experience demonstrates their commitment to inclusivity and their ability to navigate gender-neutral language with ease. They will also be more likely to have encountered and successfully addressed challenges related to legal aspects, such as gendered language in marriage licenses or forms.

Use of Correct Pronouns:

Choose an officiant who is attentive to the use of correct pronouns. They should be willing to learn and use the pronouns that you and your partner prefer. A good officiant will listen to how you refer to each other and follow your lead. They may also include a question about pronouns in their initial questionnaire or simply ask, "What pronouns do you use?"

Gender-Neutral Language in Marketing and Outreach:

Pay attention to the language used by the officiant in their marketing and outreach materials, such as their website, social media, and newsletters. Do they use gender-neutral terms like "partner," "fiancé," or "significant other?" Are they inclusive in their language, demonstrating an understanding that weddings are for everyone, regardless of gender identity?

Offering Their Own Pronouns:

An officiant who offers their own pronouns when introducing themselves or in their marketing materials is a good sign. This simple act creates a welcoming atmosphere and indicates their support for gender inclusivity. For example, they may say, "Hi, I'm [Name], and I use she/her pronouns."

Flexibility and Adaptability:

Choose an officiant who is flexible and willing to adapt traditional wedding scripts and rituals to make them more inclusive. They should be open to rethinking certain traditions, such as gendered roles in the processional or recessional, and work with you to create a ceremony that reflects your unique relationship and beliefs.

By considering these factors, you can ensure that your chosen officiant will help create a safe, inclusive, and authentic atmosphere for your gender-neutral wedding, allowing you and your partner to celebrate your love and commitment in a way that truly represents who you are.

Opt for gender-neutral readings

Readings are a popular addition to your ceremony. They add to the magical ambiance of the moment and deepen your personal connection. Most couples choose several short passages to read at their ceremony, usually three or four. If you choose more than one, keep their length in mind – it's suggested that the readings take up no more than 10 minutes.

If you have a specific poem, piece of writing, or even song lyrics in mind that fit the sentiment of your wedding, feel free to change the gendered wording to better match a gender-inclusive ceremony. For example, if there are male and female pronouns used in a particular song or poem, changing them to "they/them" is perfectly acceptable.

• Pick something significant. Try to find something that has significance for both you and your partner. Maybe lyrics from your favorite song or lines from a poem that sums up you and your love for one another.
• Consider changing the gender pronouns to make it more inclusive. If you have something specific in mind for your ceremony but the language is too gendered, don't worry. Take some creative license and use language that is gender identity inclusive.
• Memorable passages from the Supreme Court Decision on Same-Sex Marriage, offered by Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy in 2015: "No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. [...] Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right."
• "Sonnet 116: Let me not to the marriage of true minds" by William Shakespeare: "Love is not love / Which alters when it alteration finds, / Or bends with the remover to remove. [...] Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, / But bears it out even to the edge of doom."
• "Forever – is composed of Nows" by Emily Dickinson: "Forever – is composed of Nows – ‘Tis not a different time – / Except for Infiniteness – / And Latitude of Home – / From this – experienced Here – / Remove the Dates – to These –".
• "Songs of the Open Road" by Walt Whitman: "You air that serves me with breath to speak! / You objects that call from diffusion my meanings and give them shape! / You light that wraps me and all things in delicate equable showers!".
• "A Birthday" by Christina Rossetti: "My heart is like a singing bird / Whose nest is in a water'd shoot; / My heart is like an apple-tree / Whose boughs are bent with thickset fruit; / My heart is like a rainbow shell / That paddles in a halcyon sea; / My heart is gladder than all these / Because my love comes to me.".

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