Uninviting Wedding Guests: A Guide To Taking Back Invitations

Wedding invitation etiquette is a complex affair. From the wording to the timing, there are many things to consider when sending out invites. But what happens when you need to take back an invitation? Is it ever acceptable to uninvite a guest? According to wedding experts, it's generally not advisable unless it's absolutely necessary. Doing so could cause hurt feelings and strain relationships. However, in certain situations, it may be unavoidable. If you find yourself in this tricky situation, it's important to handle it with care and compassion. Be mindful of the guest's feelings and communicate directly with them, explaining the circumstances. While it's an uncomfortable task, taking a thoughtful approach can help minimise any potential fallout.

How to word the invitation

The wording of your wedding invitation is crucial and should be handled delicately. Here are some tips and guidelines to help you navigate this process:

Host Line

Traditionally, the host line would include the names of the bride's parents, as they are usually the hosts. However, it is also acceptable and gracious to list the names of both sets of parents, especially if both families are contributing financially. Here are some examples:

• “Together with their parents”
• “Together with their families”
• “Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Johnson”

If the couple is hosting the wedding themselves, you may choose to omit the host line or start with a warm and welcoming introduction, such as:

• “Together with full hearts”
• “With hearts full of love and joy”

Request Line

This is where you extend the invitation to your guests and set the tone for your celebration. The wording will depend on the formality of your wedding:

• “The honour of your presence” is typically used for religious ceremonies.
• “The pleasure of your company” or variations are used for non-religious ceremonies.
• “Invite you to celebrate with them”
• “Would love for you to join them”

Action Line

This line specifies what you are inviting guests to share in. It can be customised based on who is hosting and the level of formality:

• “At the marriage of their daughter” (if the bride's parents are hosting)
• “At the marriage of their children” (if both sets of parents are hosting)
• “At the celebration of their union” (if the couple is hosting)
• “As they say 'I do!'”
• “In celebration of their marriage”

Names of the Couple

When it comes to naming the couple, there are a few considerations to keep in mind:

• For different-sex couples, the bride's name typically comes first, followed by the groom's name.
• For same-sex couples, you can list the names alphabetically by last name or based on what looks best with the invitation design.
• First names only can be used for a less formal feel.

Date and Time

The date and time should be spelled out in full, following traditional guidelines:

• "Saturday, the fifteenth of September, two thousand twenty-four, at half after four in the afternoon"
• “Four o'clock” or “four o'clock in the afternoon” for 4:00 pm
• “Half after four o'clock” or “four-thirty in the afternoon” for 4:30 pm

Venue

List the ceremony venue by providing the name and city, state on separate lines. For formal weddings, spell out the state name. The street address is usually not included unless the venue is a private residence. Zip codes are typically omitted.

If the reception is at the same location, you can simply state, "Reception to follow" or "Dinner and dancing to follow." For a different reception venue, include it on a separate line or a reception card.

Dress Code

Including dress code information is optional but can be helpful for guests. If your wedding is black-tie, it must be included. Here are some examples:

• “Black-tie” (tuxedos and floor-length gowns)
• “Formal attire” (suits and dresses)
• “Cocktail attire” (suits or dress shirts with ties and cocktail dresses)
• “Beach-casual” (shirts, pants or shorts, sundresses, and sandals)

Wedding Website

It is not typical to print the wedding website on the main invitation card. Instead, include it on a reception card, additional information card, or as a QR code.

RSVP Card

Wording the RSVP card is generally simpler, but consistency with the invitation is important. Here are some tips:

• Set an RSVP deadline for three to four weeks before the wedding.
• Maintain consistent wording with the invitation, such as “the favour of a reply” or “kindly respond by.”
• Provide a line for guests to write their names and checkboxes for accepting or declining.
• Include meal choices and a song request line if desired.

Additional Considerations

• If the ceremony and reception are at the same venue, include "Reception to follow" at the bottom of the invitation.
• For multiple events during the wedding weekend, include activity cards with chronological listings.
• Provide an information card with additional details such as directions, transportation, and lodging suggestions.
• Avoid putting "adults only" on the invitation. Instead, address invitations carefully, only listing the names of invited adult guests.
• Do not include registry information on the invitation. Instead, provide this information on your wedding website.

Timing and postage

Timing is an important factor to consider when sending back a wedding invitation. Traditionally, invitations are sent out six to eight weeks before the wedding, and the RSVP deadline is set around three to four weeks before the wedding date. This gives the couple enough time to provide the caterer with a final headcount and finalize the seating chart. Therefore, it is essential to respond promptly to the invitation to avoid causing unnecessary stress to the couple and allow them to make the necessary arrangements.

When sending back your RSVP, it is important to adhere to the specified deadline. If you miss the cutoff date, it is advisable to confirm that your response was received. You can do this by waiting a week or so after mailing your RSVP and then contacting the couple to confirm its receipt. It is also important to note that if you miss the RSVP deadline, it is not appropriate to request additional guests or make special meal requests.

Regarding postage, it is standard etiquette to include a self-addressed stamped envelope with your invitation. This envelope should be used by the invitee to send back their RSVP card. The return address on the response envelope should include the names of the invitees, as the post office will deliver the responses back to them. It is also important to ensure that the invitation envelope has a return address. This ensures that if an invitation is undeliverable, it will be returned to the sender.

Including RSVP instructions

Key Components of RSVP Instructions:

• Clear RSVP Deadline: It is essential to set a deadline for RSVPs, typically around four weeks before the wedding date. This allows enough time for finalising details such as catering and seating arrangements. Make sure to feature this deadline prominently on the card.
• Blank Line for Guest Names: Include a blank line with an "M" at the start to indicate that guests should provide their proper honorific (Mr., Mrs., Ms., or Miss) and their full names. This information is crucial for creating place cards and seating charts.
• Accept or Decline Options: The primary purpose of the RSVP is to determine who will be attending. Provide checkboxes, circles, or fill-in-the-blank lines for guests to accept or decline the invitation.
• Dietary Requirements: If you are serving dinner, include options for guests to indicate their meal preferences and any dietary restrictions or allergies. This can be in the form of checkboxes or a fill-in-the-blank line.
• Special Requests: You can include a special request line for guests to make song requests, share a favourite memory, or provide other fun or helpful information.

Wording and Formatting Suggestions:

The wording and formatting of your RSVP instructions can vary depending on the formality and style of your wedding. Here are some ideas:

• For a formal wedding: "The favour of a reply is requested before [date]. ____ Accept with pleasure ____ Decline with regret."
• For an informal wedding: "Kindly respond by [date]. ____ Will be there with bells on ____ Will be there in spirit."
• If you're having a destination wedding, reflect the theme in your RSVP wording: "Fly away with us! ____ Yes, we're/I'm beachy keen to attend! ____ Sorry, we/I can't make the flight!"
• You can also add a creative twist: "Two words... free booze. ____ I'll be there with bells on ____ Will be there in spirit."

Online RSVPs:

If you're opting for online RSVPs through your wedding website, include a separate enclosure card with instructions. Here's an example: "Please visit our website to respond by [date]. [Insert wedding website URL]."

Remember to include pre-addressed and pre-stamped envelopes with your RSVP cards to make it convenient for your guests to respond.

Who to invite

Deciding who to invite to your wedding is a tricky task. Here are some tips to help you navigate this process:

Start with your guest list

Begin by creating a master list of everyone you would like to invite to your wedding. This list can include close friends, family members, colleagues, and any other individuals who are special to you. It's okay if the list is long, as you can always narrow it down later.

Set a budget

The number of guests you can invite will largely depend on your wedding budget. Discuss with your partner and families how many people you can accommodate and what the ideal number would be. This will help you determine how many people you can invite and if you need to make any adjustments to your master list.

Prioritize

If you have a large master list and a limited budget, it's time to prioritize. Go through your list and mark the people who are absolutely essential for you to have at your wedding. These are usually your closest friends and family members. You can also consider the relationships you have with the people on your list and how well they fit with your vision for the wedding.

Consider logistics

When deciding who to invite, practical considerations such as the venue capacity and your budget for food and drinks are important. Ensure that your guest list aligns with these constraints to avoid over-inviting.

Be mindful of plus-ones

Deciding whether to offer plus-ones can be tricky. It is generally considered good etiquette to offer plus-ones to married, engaged, and cohabitating guests. Additionally, wedding party members and guests in long-term relationships should be given the option to bring a date. For other guests, you can set a blanket rule, such as "only immediate family members can bring a date."

Handle special situations gracefully

There may be some individuals you feel obligated to invite but are unsure about, such as distant relatives or old friends. In these cases, use your best judgment and consider the nature of your relationship with them. If you haven't spoken to them in years and don't foresee yourself reconnecting, it may be appropriate to leave them off the guest list. However, if you are close to one member of a couple but not the other, consider inviting them both to avoid creating discomfort.

Send invitations with care

Once you have finalized your guest list, it's time to send out the invitations. Be mindful of the timing, and aim to send them out six to eight weeks before the wedding for local celebrations and three months in advance for destination weddings. This will give your guests enough time to make travel arrangements if needed.

What to include

Taking back a wedding invitation is not something that should be taken lightly. If you've decided to go ahead with it, here are some things to consider including when informing your guest:

A Personal Note

Start by expressing your disappointment and let them know you care and wish them happiness. It's important to show compassion and make it clear that you value your relationship with them.

A Sincere Apology

Explain the situation and why you feel it is necessary to revoke the invitation. Be honest and direct, but also empathetic, especially if the reason for the revocation is outside of their control.

Alternative Ways to Celebrate

If possible, suggest alternative ways to celebrate the couple's union, such as taking them out for lunch, dinner, or drinks after the wedding. This shows that you still want to be a part of their special day, even if you can't be there in person.

A Small Gift

Sending a gift, such as flowers, along with your message can be a thoughtful way to extend your support and love. It also shows that you value their friendship and want to maintain a positive relationship.

A Follow-up After the Wedding

Express your interest in their lives and the wedding by asking to see photos or hear about the big day. This conveys that you couldn't be there in person but are still invested in their happiness.

Remember, it's important to handle this situation with care and compassion. Be mindful of the guest's feelings and choose your words carefully to ensure you don't come across as hurtful.

Frequently asked questions