Guide To Writing Letters For Vietnamese Weddings

Vietnamese weddings are steeped in tradition and ritual, with a focus on honouring family and ancestors. The ceremonies are influenced by Confucian and Buddhist ideologies, with the entire wedding process beginning with the proposal, where the groom's family visits the bride's family to ask for permission for the couple to be established. This is followed by an engagement ceremony, which serves as an announcement to the community that a wedding will soon take place. The wedding ceremony itself consists of an extensive set of rituals, including asking permission to receive the bride, receiving the bride at her house, and bringing the bride to the groom's house. The bride and groom's attire is also steeped in tradition, with the bride wearing a red áo dài and the groom a blue one, complete with a matching tiered headpiece called a khăn vấn.

Choosing the right colours and attire

The traditional Vietnamese wedding dress for the bride and groom is the áo dài. During the engagement and wedding ceremonies, the couple typically wears matching sets of traditional áo dài to introduce themselves to both sides of the family and ancestors. The bride's áo dài usually adheres to traditional designs, while the groom's áo dài embraces a more modern style.

The bride's wedding áo dài is often red, yellow, or pink, and the groom's is usually blue. However, couples can choose to wear other colours such as white, yellow, or green. The colour combinations of red and gold or all white are reserved only for the couple on the day of the wedding.

The traditional gowns are modelled after the áo nhật bình, worn by royalty and ladies of the Nguyễn Dynasty. The silhouette of the traditional gown remains the same, with long sleeves and a high collar. The bride's outfit includes an extravagant outer cloak, which is often transparent, and a headpiece called khăn vấn. The groom also wears the khăn vấn, which is smaller and simpler than the bride's.

The wedding áo dài for bridesmaids and groomsmen are much simpler compared to the couple's. The bridesmaids' áo dài usually features simple patterns and solid colours, complementing the bride's áo dài. The groomsmen can wear black, blue, or match the bridesmaids' gowns.

The mothers of the bride and groom typically wear the traditional áo dài, while the father of the groom may wear a vest with accessories like a tie. The design for mothers emphasizes modesty, elegance, and sophistication, with subtle patterns and colours.

Other Wedding Attire

The bride will usually change into at least three different gowns throughout the entire wedding or even during the reception. Besides the wedding áo dài, the dresses usually consist of a Western white wedding gown for the civil or religious ceremony, a second Western dress to be worn at the end of the evening for dancing, and a third traditional áo dài, though less elaborate yet still formal, to be worn during the traditional table visits.

Auspicious Colours

One of the most common Vietnamese wedding traditions is including a lot of red and gold. They are considered lucky colours. Bright florals are also popular.

Other Wedding Traditions

For those planning a wedding and looking to incorporate Vietnamese wedding traditions, there are a few important details to keep in mind. There are some "must-dos", but at the same time, making sure something works for both families is just as important.

One of the most captivating aspects of Vietnamese wedding traditions is the exploration of its unique and ancient culture. The country's captivating wedding ceremonies paint a vivid portrait of love and commitment.

Writing thank you letters

Writing thank-you letters is an important part of wedding etiquette, and it's a great way to express your gratitude and appreciation to those who attended your special day or sent their well wishes. Here are some tips and guidelines for writing thoughtful thank-you letters for a Vietnamese wedding:

• Timing: It is considered polite to send thank-you letters as soon as possible after the wedding. Aim to send them within a few weeks of returning from your honeymoon. Expressing your gratitude while the memories are still fresh will make your letters more heartfelt and meaningful.
• Personalization: Write personalized letters to each guest or group of guests, especially those who attended the wedding and those who sent gifts. Avoid generic messages, as personalized notes will make your guests feel valued and appreciated.
• Expression of Gratitude: Begin your letters by expressing your sincere thanks for the guest's presence at your wedding and their contribution to your special day. Mention specific details, such as their attendance at the ceremony, participation in traditions, or well-wishes and gifts.
• Highlight Special Moments: Recall a special moment or memory you shared with the guest during the wedding. This could be a fun conversation, a dance, or a memorable interaction. Adding these details will make your letter more personal and heartfelt.
• Mention the Gift: If the guest brought a gift, be sure to mention it specifically in your letter. Express your appreciation for their thoughtfulness and describe how you plan to use or display the gift. For example, "Thank you for the beautiful crystal vase. It will be a cherished addition to our home, and we will think of you every time we see it."
• Future Plans: Share a bit about your future plans as a married couple. This could include your honeymoon destination, new home, or upcoming projects. Your guests will appreciate knowing how you intend to start your new life together.
• Closing: End your letter with a warm closing, such as "With love and gratitude" or "Thank you for being a part of this special day." Sign off with your names, and consider including your married title, such as "Mr. and Mrs."

"Dear [Relative's Name],

Thank you so much for joining us at our wedding and for being a part of our special day. We are truly grateful for the time you took to celebrate with us. Your presence made the day even more memorable.

We hope you enjoyed the festivities and had a chance to create some wonderful memories. It was a pleasure to share our happiness with you, and we are thankful for your love and support.

We are deeply touched by your generous gift. It will certainly help us as we start our new life together. We plan to use it for [describe how you plan to use the gift].

Once again, thank you for your thoughtfulness and for being a part of this joyous occasion. We look forward to creating more memories with you in the future.

With love and gratitude,

[Your Names]"

Remember to adapt the letter to fit the relationship and dynamics you have with each guest. For relatives or close friends, you may use a more casual and intimate tone. For more distant relatives or acquaintances, a more formal and respectful tone may be more appropriate.

Selecting an auspicious date

Astrological and Lunar Conditions

The selection of an auspicious date often involves aligning the couple's union with favourable astrological and lunar conditions. Families may consult astrologers or elders well-versed in Vietnamese astrology to determine the most propitious day. This practice stems from the Vietnamese reverence for balance and harmony with nature and the cosmos.

Double Spring and Leap Month

A year with Double Spring or a Leap Month is considered auspicious for a wedding. Double Spring refers to a year with two "Beginning of Spring" dates at the beginning and end of the year. Spring symbolises new beginnings, making it an ideal time for a wedding. A Leap Month, with 13 months in a year, symbolises connubial love and harmony between husband and wife.

Avoid Inauspicious Months

It is recommended to avoid certain inauspicious months for a wedding, such as lunar March, July, and October, when traditional ghost festivals are held. Lunar August, during which the Mid-Autumn Festival takes place, is considered the best month for a wedding.

Birthday and Relative Considerations

When choosing the wedding date, it is advisable to avoid the birthday of the bride, groom, parents, and unmarried siblings. If the parents have passed away, their birthday and death day should also be avoided.

Evil Spirit of Sanniang

According to legend, the dates of lunar 3rd, 7th, 13th, 18th, 22nd, and 27th in every month are considered inauspicious due to the evil spirit of Sanniang, who is believed to ruin the weddings of new couples.

Zodiac Sign Conflicts

In Chinese zodiac signs, certain animal signs are in conflict with each other, such as Rat and Horse, Ox and Sheep, and so on. It is recommended to avoid the month or day that conflicts with the zodiac signs of the couple.

Prioritise the Bride's Birthday

It is generally believed that prioritising the bride's birthday when choosing the wedding date will lead to a harmonious marriage. Reversing or ignoring this rule is considered inauspicious and may lead to problems in the marriage.

Work and Study Considerations

If either the bride or groom is studying or working on a major project, it is advisable to wait and choose the wedding date after completing these commitments.

Family Time and Physical Condition

The selection of the wedding date should consider the availability of parents, friends, and relatives of both families to attend the wedding. Additionally, if one of the partners is unwell or experiencing physical discomfort, delaying the wedding is recommended to maintain harmony in the new life together.

Holiday or Festival Dates

Choosing a wedding date during a holiday or festival can be advantageous, as it adds commemorative significance and a festive atmosphere to the wedding. It also increases the likelihood of attendance by relatives and friends, allowing for a joyful celebration.

In summary, selecting an auspicious date for a Vietnamese wedding involves a careful consideration of astrological factors, lunar conditions, birthdays, zodiac signs, and the availability of loved ones. The chosen date is believed to set the tone for the couple's future happiness and harmony in their married life together.

The proposal ceremony

During the proposal ceremony, the groom's family visits the bride's home to discuss and express their intentions. This ceremony reflects meticulousness, respect, and a sense of responsibility for the happiness of both the couple and their families.

The future groom's family will ask the bride's family for permission for the couple to be established as a couple. In the past, when marriages were commonly arranged, the bride was not usually present during the event. The purpose of marriage was to create an alliance between families, so the Lễ Dạm Ngõ is an opportunity for both families to begin preparations for this alliance.

The proposal is very informal, with only immediate family members, mostly the parents, involved. Arrangements are made over drinks and food, with the groom's family traditionally providing wine, sweets, betel leaves, and areca nuts as a symbol of their agreement. The families will also discuss the dowry and other conditions, and choose a wedding date, which is typically decided by a Buddhist monk, spiritual leader, or fortune teller.

The Đám Hỏi is similar to the actual wedding ceremony, though simpler and with some variations. The groom's family and friends will go to the bride's home with offerings of fruits, betel leaves, areca leaves, wine, tea, cakes, tobacco, jewellery, and a roasted pig. These gifts are contained in an odd number of lacquer boxes, covered in red paper or cloth, and carried by the younger unmarried men of the groom's family. The groom and his entourage will wait at the door until the bride's family says she is ready. Once accepted into the home, the gifts are received by an equivalent number of younger unmarried women from the bride's side.

A representative from each family will introduce the family members of both sides, with introductions beginning with the groom's side. The representative of the groom's side will explain their purpose of being there and their request for the bride's hand in marriage. Once the gifts are unwrapped and approved by the bride's family, the bride herself is then brought out. She will then pour tea or water for the groom's family, and the groom will do the same for her family. Some of the gifts will be placed on the ancestral altar, and the couple will burn incense to notify the bride's ancestors of the engagement. The ceremony will either end, or a simple banquet hosted by the bride's side will occur.

The engagement ceremony

The Đám Hỏi is the process of the groom and his family asking the bride's family for her hand in marriage. It is also an introduction of family members from both sides and a way of honouring ancestors. The groom's family will arrive at the bride's family home to present gifts and a dowry, and to speak to a representative of the bride's family before permission is granted. The ceremony includes various customs such as incense lighting, ancestral worship, introducing relatives, and a Vietnamese wedding tea ceremony with close guests.

During the Đám Hỏi, the groom's family lines up with offerings of food and alcohol. They fill up 'mam qua', which are red tins filled with gifts, known as a dowry in the past. The gifts include expensive cognac, sticky rice, luxury teas, desserts, fruits, and items that symbolise prosperity, wealth, and luck. A roasted pig is also part of the offering. The bride's family guards the door to see what the groom has to offer, and sometimes red envelopes filled with cash are offered first. Sometimes the bride's family will challenge the groom to show that he has the strength to take care of his future wife. They may challenge him to do push-ups, jumping jacks, and other activities to prove his strength.

Once the bride's family accepts the gifts and the groom passes these challenges, the groom's family is welcomed into the home. The bride's parents will escort the bride to finally see her partner, and the groom will present her with a bouquet. Both sides will introduce themselves with family introductions, a welcome speech, and a prayer. Family members are assigned to light candles and incense to honour their ancestors and serve tea to their parents, grandparents, and elders. The groom's parents will shower the bride with jewellery and red envelopes. After the parents and grandparents are served tea, the family lines up to receive a tea offering from the couple and to give the couple red envelopes and jewellery.

The Đám Hỏi is almost step-by-step a mirror of the wedding ceremony. It involves the same procession, reception, gift-giving, speeches, and presentation of the bride, and the same tea ceremony. In the past, the Đám Hỏi was sometimes the event where the groom met the bride for the first time.

Frequently asked questions