Declining Wedding Invites: Kindly Expressing Your Regrets

Declining a wedding invitation can be tricky, especially if you're close to the couple. However, it's important to remember that it's perfectly acceptable to say no – that's why RSVPs exist. If you can't make it to a wedding, there are some key steps to follow to decline your invitation politely and without causing offence. Firstly, don't delay – send your RSVP before the deadline and let the couple know as soon as you know you can't attend. It's also a good idea to call the couple, especially if you're close, in addition to declining by card or email. Be honest but kind – a simple I have a prior commitment is enough without giving away too many details. It's also proper etiquette to send a gift or card with a heartfelt message, even if you're not attending.

Don't wait too long to respond

When declining a wedding invitation, it's important to respond promptly. Etiquette expert Diane Gottsman recommends responding within a couple of days, and definitely within a week. This is because the longer you wait, the more it may seem like you're waiting for a better opportunity or that you don't care enough about the invitation.

If you're close to the couple, it's recommended to call them ahead of sending your written decline. Express your disappointment and let them know you care. You could say something like:

> "We love you both and are so happy for you. Unfortunately, we don’t have childcare that weekend and the trip is too much for us at the moment, but we’d love to have you over for dinner to celebrate once you’re back."

If you're not close to the couple, a simple, brief note wishing them well is sufficient. You could write:

> "Regretfully, we are unable to attend. Best wishes on your special day!"

If possible, try to celebrate their union in other ways. For example, you could send them flowers with your RSVP or take them out for lunch after the wedding to see the photos and hear about their day.

Be brief and don't overshare

When declining a wedding invitation, it's best to keep your response brief and concise. You don't need to provide a lengthy explanation or go into too much detail about your reasons for not attending. A simple and direct approach is often the best way to go.

Respond promptly: Don't delay in sending your response. It's considerate to let the couple know as soon as possible so they can plan accordingly. Aim to respond within a couple of days to a week at the latest.

Be honest and direct: Simply state that you are unable to attend without going into excessive detail. For example, you can say, "I am unable to attend due to a prior commitment," or "Unfortunately, I have a scheduling conflict and won't be able to make it."

Express your disappointment: Let the couple know that you are disappointed to miss their special day. This will help soften the news and show that you care. You can say something like, "I'm so sad that I won't be able to share this important day with you."

Keep it short and sweet: There's no need to write a long explanation or provide too many details. A brief note expressing your regrets and well wishes is sufficient. For example, "I'm so sorry I can't be there, but I wish you all the best on your special day."

Consider sending a small gift: If you feel inclined, you can send a token of your congratulations along with your response. This could be a small gift, flowers, or a bottle of wine with a thoughtful note. It's a nice way to show your support and celebrate the couple, even if you can't be there in person.

Remember, it's perfectly acceptable to decline a wedding invitation if you are unable to attend. You don't need to provide an extensive explanation or feel guilty about it. Keep your response brief, honest, and considerate, and the couple is likely to understand.

Send a gift

Sending a gift is a great way to decline a wedding invitation politely and with kindness. It is not mandatory to send a gift with your response, but it is a nice gesture, especially if you are close to the couple. Here are some tips on how to decline a wedding invitation kindly by sending a gift:

• Send a meaningful gift: Choose a gift that is thoughtful and meaningful to the couple. It could be something from their wedding registry, a contribution to their cash registry fund, or even just a token "just because" gift, such as a flower arrangement, a bottle of wine, or a box of chocolates. A gift is a great way to show your support and love for the couple, even if you can't attend the wedding.
• Include a personal note: When sending your gift, include a brief note with your thoughts and best wishes for the couple. Wedding etiquette suggests including a reason for your absence, but focus more on congratulating the couple and sending your regards to their families. For example, you could write: "Dear [Couple's Names], We are so excited to hear about your upcoming wedding. Thank you for including us in your celebration. Unfortunately, we won't be able to attend, but we will be thinking of you on your special day and sending our love and best wishes."
• Send the gift with the RSVP: While it is a nice gesture to send a gift, it is important to still officially RSVP "no" to the wedding. Send your response by the deadline, either through the physical response card or the wedding website, and include your gift or note with your response. This will help the couple with their planning and ensure they are not waiting for your attendance.
• Follow up after the wedding: After the wedding, reach out to the couple to see how their big day went. This shows that you are interested in their lives and were thinking of them, even though you couldn't be there. You can also send a card closer to the wedding date, mentioning any gift you sent and reiterating your well wishes.
• Don't wait too long to respond: It is important to respond to the invitation promptly. Don't wait too long before sending your RSVP and gift, as this may seem like you are not thoughtful or are waiting for a better opportunity. Respond within a couple of days to a week of receiving the invitation.
• Consider other ways to celebrate: Just because you can't attend the wedding doesn't mean you can't participate in other ways. You can ask to be included in the pre-wedding festivities, such as the bachelorette party or bridal shower, or offer to help with planning or small costs. After the wedding, you can also take the couple out for lunch, dinner, or drinks to celebrate their marriage and see photos from the big day.

Don't change your mind

It's important to remember that changing your mind after declining a wedding invitation can be very inconvenient for the couple. They will have already given the venue a headcount for seating, meals, and favours, so don't change your mind unless there are exceptional circumstances.

If you do change your mind, it's best to do so as soon as you can. The longer you wait, the more impact it will have on the couple's plans. If you change your mind at the last minute, it could be too late for the couple to make any changes.

It's also important to be honest with yourself and the couple about why you changed your mind. If you're no longer able to attend due to a scheduling conflict or a personal issue, be upfront about it. Don't try to make up an excuse, as this could cause more confusion and hurt feelings.

Finally, be understanding if the couple is unable to accommodate your change of plans. They may have already finalised their plans and made the necessary payments. Respect their decision and don't take it personally if they can't include you.

Thank the couple and offer congratulations

When declining a wedding invitation, it's important to express gratitude and well wishes to the couple. Here are some ways to do this:

For a Close Friend or Family Member

"I'm so happy for you and [Partner's Name]! It breaks my heart to say this, but I can't make it to your wedding on [date]. I'm already committed to another event that day, and I think trying to attend both would be too much. I really appreciate you inviting me, though! Let me know if there are any pre-wedding events that I can attend."

For a Colleague

"Thank you, [Soon-to-be Wed's Name], for thinking of me. Sadly, I won't be able to be at the wedding due to prior commitments/budgetary constraints. Nonetheless, I'm thrilled for you and [Their Partner's Name]! Would you be free to go somewhere after work sometime for a champagne toast?"

For an Acquaintance

"Dear [Couple's Names], we are so excited to hear about your upcoming wedding. Thank you so much for including us in your celebration. Unfortunately, we won't be able to attend due to a prior engagement/travel plans. We will be thinking of you on your special day and sending our love and best wishes."

General Tips

• It is considerate to respond within a couple of days to a week at the latest.
• If possible, a phone call is more personal than a letter.
• You can also send a small gift or flowers with your response to extend your support and love.
• After the wedding, reach out to the couple to hear about their special day and look at photos.

Frequently asked questions