Etiquette Guide: Inviting Yourself To A Wedding

Deciding on a guest list for your wedding is one of the first and hardest parts of wedding planning. It's not as simple as just writing down a list of names—there's strategy involved. One of the best techniques for starting your wedding guest list is to create groups of family members and friends, beginning with those closest to you and your partner, and then working outwards to more distant relatives and acquaintances.

Your wedding guest list will depend on your budget and venue. If your budget and venue allow you to invite everyone, that's great! But if you're keeping your list tight, you'll have to make some tough decisions. It's important to be fair and equitable in the process, especially when it comes to inviting family members. If you want to invite one of your first cousins, for example, you'll probably have to invite them all.

So, how do you decide who to invite? One approach is to make a master list of everyone you would invite if money and space were infinite, and then start trimming it down. Separate out your top-tier guests—the people you simply can't imagine getting married without. These are your non-negotiables, the must-haves. Then, everyone else gets an invite if space and budget allow.

Another strategy is to ask yourself whether you would go out for dinner with this person and pay for their meal. Or, imagine this person is on the other side of the road. Would you cross the road to meet them and say hi, or keep walking?

Remember, it's your wedding, and you shouldn't feel forced to invite anyone you'd rather not have in attendance.

Inviting yourself to a wedding: the dos and don'ts

So, you want to invite yourself to a wedding? It's important to remember that the happy couple's big day is not about you and your desires. That said, there are ways to politely and respectfully put yourself forward as a potential plus-one without overstepping any boundaries. Here are some dos and don'ts to help guide you through the process:

Do:

• Consider your relationship with the couple: Ask yourself how close you are to the couple. If you are not particularly close, it may be best to refrain from inviting yourself.
• Be honest and direct: If you want to attend the wedding, be honest and direct with the couple. Let them know that you would love to celebrate their special day with them and ask if it would be possible for you to attend.
• Offer to help: If you are invited to the wedding, offer to help with any pre-wedding preparations or tasks that need to be done on the day. This will not only make the couple's lives easier but will also show your enthusiasm and gratitude for being included.
• Respect the couple's wishes: If the couple declines your request to be invited, respect their decision and don't take it personally. Remember, they are likely working with limited space and budget constraints.

Don't:

• Assume you are invited: Just because you know the couple does not mean you are automatically invited to the wedding. Respect the couple's guest list and don't assume you are entitled to an invitation.
• Pressure the couple: Do not pressure the couple into inviting you, even if you are close friends or family. Remember, they are likely dealing with various constraints and may not be able to accommodate everyone they would like to.
• Try to guilt the couple: Avoid using guilt or emotional manipulation to try and secure an invitation. This is the couple's special day, and it is important to respect their wishes and decisions.
• Overstep boundaries: If the couple has made it clear that you are not invited, do not try to change their minds or overstep any boundaries. Respect their decision and understand that it is likely not personal.

How to decide who to invite to your wedding

Deciding on your guest list for your wedding can be a stressful task, but it doesn't have to be. Here are some tips to help you decide who to invite to your wedding:

Make a Master List

Start by writing down the names of everyone you would invite if there were no limitations of budget or space. Begin with immediate family and close friends, and work outwards to include colleagues, schoolmates, distant relatives, acquaintances, their partners, and their children.

Separate Out Your Top-Tier Guests

From your master list, separate out the non-negotiables, the people you wouldn't get married without. These are your top-tier guests and they stay on the list no matter what.

Work Out Your Budget and Venue

The type of wedding you're planning and the venue you choose will impact how many guests you can invite. If you're having an intimate ceremony or a destination wedding, you may only be able to invite your top-tier guests.

Consider Your Parents' Input

Traditionally, both sets of parents get a say on the guest list, especially if they are contributing financially. Loop them in early and be upfront about your plans. You can also reserve a portion of the guest list for them to allocate themselves, as long as it works within your venue and budget constraints.

Be Fair with Family

Try to treat members of different families in the same way. For example, if you invite some cousins, consider inviting all of them. This approach can help avoid hurt feelings and family drama.

Plus Ones

Anyone in a serious relationship (engaged, married, living together, or dating for over a year) should be invited with a plus-one, whether or not you know their partner well. For other guests, it's more discretionary and can be decided on a case-by-case basis.

Children

Decide early on whether you want a child-free wedding or not. If you do invite children, consider only inviting those who are in the wedding party or making an exception for breastfeeding babies.

People You've Lost Touch With

If you haven't spoken to someone in a while and wouldn't take them out for a $300-plus meal, then they probably don't need to be invited to your wedding. This is especially true if you've grown apart and are no longer close.

Remember, your wedding day is about celebrating your love with the people you love and who bring you joy. Don't feel obligated to invite anyone out of guilt or obligation.

The A-list: the guests you need to invite

The A-list, or the non-negotiables, is made up of those you simply wouldn't get married without. This list should include your closest friends and family, the people you love and who bring you joy.

Immediate Family

Your A-list should include your parents, siblings, and grandparents. It should also include your siblings' spouses and children.

Wedding Party Members

The wedding party, including the maid of honour, best man, bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girls, ring bearers, and ushers, should be at the top of your guest list.

Close Friends

The close friends who have known you the longest should be on the A-list. Consider how well they know your partner, and how often you keep in touch with them.

School Friends

School friends can be a great addition to your A-list, bringing a joyful and nostalgic feel to your wedding.

Children

If you want to include children in your wedding, add your nieces and nephews, godchildren, or children of close friends to your A-list.

Plus-Ones

If your A-list guests have long-term partners, they should be invited too.

Extended Family

If you have a lot of aunts, uncles, and cousins, it can be tricky to decide who to include on your A-list. It's important to be as fair and equitable as possible. If you invite one first cousin, you may have to invite them all, including your partner's first cousins.

The B-list: the guests you really want to invite

The B-list is a tricky part of wedding planning, but it can be done in a way that ensures your celebration is filled with family and friends. Here are some tips for creating your B-list:

Think about your B-list early on

As soon as you've solidified your A-list, start thinking about your B-list. This will give you time to prepare their invitations and send them out as soon as the RSVPs from your A-list guests start trickling in.

Remember your RSVP date

While B-list guests are naturally invited after the fact, they should still be allowed enough time to plan their response, especially if your wedding involves travelling. Sending out your invites a little earlier than the traditional two-month mark will help with this, while still keeping the one-month RSVP deadline.

Keep it top secret

Be respectful and keep your B-list on a need-to-know basis. Guests who weren't invited the first time around may feel like they're playing second fiddle, and feelings are likely to be hurt.

Keep groups of friends and family together

Similarly, to keep your B-list under wraps, consider whole groups of friends or family members. If one co-worker or cousin is invited, it's safe to assume the others will hear about it.

Make sure the B-list is an understanding group

To avoid any potential frustration, your B-list should be made up of people who understand that they're not your closest friends, but would still love to join the celebration if they're invited.

Other tips for creating your B-list

• Organise your B-list by priority, with those who feel really important at the top, and those who are more optional towards the bottom.
• Make a separate list for family and close friends, to avoid them comparing when they were invited and figuring out they may have been on the B-list.
• Send B-list invitations early, so they don't arrive after the RSVP deadline.
• Have two sets of RSVP cards, one with an earlier deadline for A-listers, and one with a later deadline for B-listers.
• Mail all B-list invites at once, to help you keep track and ensure invitations are arriving in a timely manner.

The C-list: the guests you'll invite if your budget allows

The C-list is the final tier of guests you'll invite to your wedding, after your A-list (close family and friends that must be there) and B-list (additional friends, extended family, and professional contacts). These are the guests that you'd like to have at your wedding if your budget allows. Creating a C-list can be a great way to ensure that you don't exceed your budget while still including as many loved ones as possible in your celebration. Here are some tips for managing your C-list:

• Give each guest a priority rating: As you create your master list of everyone you'd consider inviting, assign each guest a priority rating of A, B, or C. This will help you easily identify your C-list guests and ensure that you don't accidentally invite more people than your budget or venue can accommodate.
• Decide on a number: Work out how many guests you can realistically afford and how many your dream venue can hold. This will help you determine how many people you can invite from your C-list.
• Be strategic with plus-ones: If you're inviting guests from your C-list, you may want to be more selective with plus-ones. Consider only offering plus-ones to those in long-term relationships or with partners you've met. This will help you manage numbers and costs.
• Send invitations early: If you have a C-list, mail your A-list invitations around 12 weeks in advance. This will give you plenty of time to see who can't make it and send out C-list invitations before the RSVP deadline.
• Mail C-list invites together: Choose a deadline for adding C-list guests and mail all the invitations on the same day. This will help you keep track and ensure invitations arrive in a timely manner.
• Be mindful of feelings: It's natural to want to avoid hurting the feelings of those you can't invite. Be gracious and considerate when explaining your budget and space constraints. If possible, arrange a separate, more intimate celebration with those who couldn't make the C-list.

Frequently asked questions