Navigating Wedding Bliss: Managing An Obnoxious Planner

Planning a wedding can be stressful, and sometimes, things can get a little crazy. From unsolicited advice to toxic family members, it's important to know how to deal with the challenges that may arise. One such challenge is an obnoxious wedding planner, who might micromanage, be indecisive, or have unrealistic expectations. Here are some tips to help you tackle this situation:

- Take a step back and evaluate the situation. Is your wedding planner exhibiting any of the mentioned behaviours? Are they being obnoxious, or are you both just experiencing the normal stresses of wedding planning?

- Communicate openly and honestly. Schedule a meeting with your wedding planner to discuss your concerns and try to find a solution together. Remember to use I statements to avoid causing a defensive reaction.

- Set clear boundaries. Let your wedding planner know what behaviours you are and are not comfortable with. For example, if they are treating you like a personal assistant, kindly remind them of their role as a wedding planner.

- Don't be afraid to speak up. If you have a specific vision for your wedding, don't be afraid to voice it. Wedding planners are there to help bring your vision to life, so provide them with as much inspiration and guidance as possible.

- Stay organised and realistic. Wedding planning can be overwhelming, so break down the process into manageable tasks. Be realistic about your budget and the time you have available, and don't be afraid to delegate tasks to others.

- Prioritise self-care. Wedding planning can be emotionally draining, so make sure to set aside time for yourself. Engage in activities that bring you joy and help you relax, such as yoga or meditation.

Don't micromanage them

Micromanagement can be extremely detrimental to morale and performance. It can also slow down productivity, as it indicates a lack of trust in your wedding planner's ability to perform their job.

Recognise the signs of micromanagement

Firstly, it's important to be aware of the signs of micromanagement. Micromanagers often feel the need to control every aspect of their employees' work and decision-making to an extreme degree. They may become overly involved in the work of their employees, discourage independent decision-making, and require constant updates and detailed reports. They may also need to be copied into every email and have an unusually high turnover of employees.

Understand the reasons behind micromanagement

Micromanagement often arises due to a lack of trust and respect for employees. Other reasons include a fear of loss of control, a belief that their employees' superior work may make them look inadequate, an extreme need for control, poor self-image, and insecurities.

Focus on building trust

To avoid micromanaging, focus on building trust with your wedding planner. Deliver your best work and provide feedback on projects before they ask for it. Study how they like things done and demonstrate that you understand their requirements. With enough time, you can hopefully build up enough trust that they relax some of their oversight.

Set guidelines in advance

Spend time with your wedding planner before beginning a project, going over all the guidelines together. Find out exactly how they want things done, and demonstrate that you understand their requirements.

Keep things in perspective

Remember that micromanagement is often related to a manager's fear of failure or unrealistic standards, rather than your work performance. Recognising this can help you feel more confident in your work and less inclined to micromanage.

Have an honest conversation

When you feel like you've tried everything else, consider speaking directly to your wedding planner about their behaviour. Let them know that you want to do your job well and have noticed their high level of involvement. Ask specifically for feedback that could help you improve your performance and earn their trust.

Don't be indecisive

Indecisiveness can cause a lot of wedding-planning drama, especially considering the myriad of decisions, big and small, that need to be made in a relatively short period of time. Here are some tips to help you stop being indecisive and move forward with your wedding plans:

Make a list of non-negotiables

Early on in the planning process, make a concrete list of what is most important to you. If flowers and pictures are a big deal, you should spend more time selecting your photographer and florist than your DJ or band. Thinking through the most important aspects of your wedding day early on will also make it easier to stay within a budget.

Block out the chatter

Everyone is going to have opinions on your big day, but be careful when soliciting too much advice. The more people you involve, the more opinions you will get, and these opinions will conflict. Keep your circle small and make a pact with your partner that you both have to agree before deciding on anything.

Set social media limits

While Instagram and wedding websites are amazing resources for planning, they can also make you feel pressured to keep up with what other couples are doing. When a bride feels like she needs to include every décor idea and suggestion, it becomes very hard to make decisions.

Create a timeline—and stick to it

Create a checklist for when you should ideally have a wedding to-do crossed off your list. Give yourself a limited amount of time to ponder options and assign a due date by which you must decide.

Ask for help when you need it

This can include your mom, aunt, sister, grandma, BFFs—anyone whose opinion you value and trust. A few positive opinions will reinforce your decisions and help you to move on to the next step in the planning process.

Keep things in perspective

At the end of the day, wedding planning is a huge endeavour, and some decisions will be met with hesitation. However, while it’s one of the most amazing days of your life, you need to keep things in perspective. Your guests will only remember the amazing energy of the party and how you glowed when you walked down the aisle, not whether the roses were purple or pink.

Know what services they provide

Knowing what services your wedding planner provides is key to avoiding conflict and ensuring you get the most out of your working relationship. Wedding planners can be total lifesavers, but they come in many different forms, so it's important to do your research and understand exactly what they do. Here are some of the services they might offer:

Full-Service Wedding Planner

Full-service wedding planners are involved in every aspect of your wedding, from start to finish. They will help you choose a venue, select vendors, handle correspondence, and even set up escort cards. They are a great option for couples who don't have a lot of free time to dedicate to planning and want step-by-step guidance. Full-service planners are typically the most expensive option, but their expertise and commitment can be well worth the cost.

Month-of Wedding Planner

A month-of wedding planner comes on board about four to five weeks before your wedding. They handle last-minute tasks such as final contract negotiations, vendor payments, and arranging deliveries for your big day. This type of planner is ideal for couples who want to plan most of their wedding themselves but need help easing the stress load during the final weeks.

Day-of Wedding Coordinator

While a day-of wedding coordinator's job starts a few weeks before the event, they primarily focus on the day of the wedding itself. They direct vendors, manage decor setup and breakdown, and ensure the day runs as smoothly and on-schedule as possible. This type of planner is a popular choice, as they provide professional guidance when you need it most without the long-term commitment.

Wedding Weekend Coordinator

A wedding weekend coordinator is a combination of a day-of and a month-of wedding planner. They are essential for weddings spanning multiple days and involving a large number of guests. They handle the same responsibilities as a day-of coordinator but also assist with greeting guests and organizing non-wedding activities like a rehearsal dinner or post-wedding brunch.

Destination Wedding Coordinator

If you're planning a wedding from afar, a destination wedding coordinator can be a lifesaver. They are well-versed in regional-specific information like weather patterns, local happenings, travel tips, and customs. They can scout venues, meet with vendors, and provide firsthand accounts of everything when you can't be there in person.

Vendor Scouting and Referrals

Even if you don't hire a full-time planner, many event planning companies will still provide professional opinions and advice. They can review contracts, join venue walk-throughs, and provide referrals to other reputable vendors. This can be incredibly valuable, as planners have vast networks and industry connections that can save you time and money.

À La Carte Wedding Planner

Some planners offer à la carte services, allowing couples to create a custom planning package. This is a great option for those on a limited budget who still want professional guidance in specific areas.

Event Designers or Stylists

While often confused with wedding planners, event designers and stylists focus exclusively on the aesthetics of your wedding. They help choose colour palettes, create tablescapes, select decor rentals, and bring your vision to life. Many wedding planners also have an excellent eye for design and may collaborate with stylists to elevate your event.

Other Services

In addition to the planning and coordination, wedding planners can also offer a range of other services. This includes photography and videography, catering, transportation arrangements, makeup services, entertainment (bands, DJs, etc.), honeymoon packages, and local accommodation services for guests.

Remember, it's crucial to do your homework and understand the specific services your wedding planner provides. Each planner offers unique packages, so be sure to read their contract and package details closely. By knowing what to expect, you can avoid misunderstandings and ensure a positive and productive working relationship.

Don't treat them like a personal assistant

While your wedding planner is there to support you, it's important to remember that they are not your personal assistant. Here are some tips to ensure you're not treating them as such:

Understand their role

Your wedding planner is your right hand when it comes to all things wedding-related. They are there to help you pull off a beautiful and personal wedding. However, it's not their job to book your dentist appointments, pick up your dry cleaning, or order Ubers. They are also not responsible for babysitting during the reception; they need to be able to focus on their job without having to look after little ones all night.

Respect their time

Your wedding planner's time is valuable and billable. While they can guide you to resources and vendors, and even procure items for you, they will need to be compensated for their time if they are doing this work. Remember that they are also busy planning the significant details of your big day, so try to be mindful of their time and only involve them in wedding-related tasks.

Be mindful of your requests

Before making a request of your wedding planner, ask yourself if it is something you can do yourself. For example, if you need welcome bags assembled for your guests, this is a DIY project that you should take on yourself, unless you are paying your planner to do it. Similarly, if you need certain items for your wedding, your planner can guide you to the right resources, but it's not their job to obtain these items for you unless that is something you have agreed on.

Don't micromanage

You hired your wedding planner for a reason, so try to take a step back and let them work their magic. Constantly checking in, calling every day, or sending multiple emails a day with requests will only serve to annoy your planner. Trust that they know what they're doing and try to give them the space to do their job.

Be responsive

While it's important not to treat your wedding planner like a personal assistant, it's also crucial that you don't ignore them. Return their calls and emails, and make yourself available. They need your input and opinions to do their job effectively, so don't ghost them or be indecisive.

Be realistic with your budget

Being realistic with your budget is one of the most important aspects of wedding planning. It can be easy to get carried away and oversimplify the financial aspects of a wedding, but staying realistic will ensure you don't overspend and start your married life in debt. Here are some tips to help you be realistic with your budget:

Understand the Average Costs

According to The Knot's 2023 Real Weddings Study, the average cost of a wedding is $35,000, excluding the engagement ring. However, this amount can vary depending on factors such as location, time of year, and the size of your guest list. It's important to research the average costs of weddings in your desired location and use that as a starting point for creating your budget.

Determine Your Priorities

Sit down with your partner and discuss your must-haves and priorities for the wedding. This will help you allocate your budget accordingly and ensure that you are spending money on the things that are most important to you. For example, if you prioritize having a live band at your reception, you may need to compromise in other areas, such as choosing a less expensive venue or opting for minimalist decor.

Create a Detailed Budget Breakdown

Break down your budget into specific categories such as venue, catering, attire, flowers, entertainment, etc. This will help you understand how much you can allocate to each aspect of the wedding. A sample budget breakdown might include:

• Reception venue, catering, and rentals: 40%-45%
• Photography and/or videography: 10%-12%
• Reception music/entertainment: 10%
• Wedding attire: 7%-9%
• Flowers and decor: 8%-10%
• Wedding planner/coordinator: 5%-15%
• Wedding cake/desserts: 2%-3%
• Transportation: 3%-5%
• Stationery: 2%
• Favors and gifts: 1%-2%

Be Flexible and Compromise

Understand that your budget is not set in stone and be prepared to make compromises. There may be unexpected costs or changes along the way, so it's important to be flexible and adjust your budget as needed. Communicate regularly with your partner and be open to making sacrifices in certain areas to stay within your overall budget.

Consider Hidden Costs and Extras

Don't forget to include hidden costs and extras in your budget, such as tips for vendors, overtime fees, service charges, and costs for hair and makeup trials. These expenses can add up quickly, so it's important to allocate a buffer in your budget to cover any unforeseen expenses.

Use Budgeting Tools

Take advantage of budgeting apps, spreadsheets, or a dedicated wedding budget planner to help you track your expenses and stay organized. This will make it easier to monitor your spending and ensure that you don't go over budget.

Remember, creating a realistic wedding budget is all about understanding your priorities, being flexible, and making compromises when needed. By following these tips, you can plan your dream wedding without breaking the bank.

Frequently asked questions