Wedding Invitation Etiquette: A Feminist's Guide To Addressing Cards

Wedding invitation etiquette has traditionally followed the dictates of a patriarchal society, with the man's name taking precedence. However, in today's world, this can be seen as outdated and offensive to some, especially those with feminist ideals. So, how do you address wedding invitations in a way that is respectful and inclusive? This is a guide to navigating the complex world of wedding invitation etiquette in the 21st century, ensuring that everyone, regardless of gender, marital status, or sexual orientation, is addressed in a way that makes them feel valued and respected.

Use 'Ms.' instead of 'Miss' or 'Mrs.'

Feminists have long argued that the use of "Miss", "Mrs.", and "Ms." to address women is problematic. "Miss" and "Mrs." indicate a woman's marital status, while "Mr." does not. This is seen as a double standard that defines women by their marital status while allowing men to remain neutral.

"Ms." was invented in the 20th century to address this issue. It is a neutral alternative to "Miss" and "Mrs." that does not indicate a woman's marital status. Feminists embraced "Ms." as a way to refer to women without defining them by whether or not they are married.

Respecting Marital Status Neutrality

"Ms." is a respectful way to address all adult women, regardless of their marital status. It is equivalent to "Mr." which is used for all men, regardless of whether they are married or not. Using "Ms." instead of "Miss" or "Mrs." respects the woman's choice to keep her marital status private or not have it define her identity.

Simplicity and Safety

Using "Ms." is a safe option when you are unsure of a woman's marital status or her preference for being addressed. It is also a good option for addressing young women over 18, who may find "Miss" infantilizing. "Ms." is a respectful form of address that avoids the potential pitfalls of assuming a woman's marital status or preference.

Feminism and Equality

Using "Ms." is a feminist choice that challenges the traditional patriarchal norms of addressing women. It rejects the notion that a woman's identity is tied to her marital status or that of her husband. By using "Ms." you are recognizing a woman's identity as separate from her relationship to a man.

Consistency and Convenience

"Ms." can be used for all adult women, making it a consistent and convenient choice. There is no need to worry about whether a woman is married, widowed, divorced, or single, or whether she has chosen to change her name. "Ms." applies to all and simplifies the process of addressing invitations.

Personal Preference

Many women today prefer to be addressed as "Ms." regardless of their marital status. They may feel that "Miss" is outdated or disrespectful, and "Mrs." implies ownership by a husband. Respecting a woman's preference for how she wishes to be addressed is a matter of courtesy and equality.

In conclusion, using "Ms." instead of "Miss" or "Mrs." when addressing wedding invitations is a feminist choice that respects women's identities, marital status neutrality, and personal preferences. It is a simple way to make your wedding invitations more inclusive and equal.

Address widows by their own name, not their husband's

When addressing wedding invitations, it is important to respect widows' preferences and retain their agency. Here are some ways to address widows by their own names, rather than their husbands':

Firstly, it is important to note that there is no legal or universally correct way to address a widow. The best approach is to ask her directly how she would like to be addressed. This is especially important if you have a personal relationship with the widow and will help you avoid any awkwardness or uncertainty. If you are unable to ask her directly, try to follow her lead by checking how she has referred to herself in any previous correspondence.

If she has not indicated a preference and you are unsure, it is generally considered respectful to use the honorific "Mrs." followed by her married name. This is the most traditional approach and is often preferred in formal or business-related situations. However, it is essential to respect a widow's wishes if she chooses to be addressed differently.

If the widow has not indicated a preference and continues to use her late husband's surname, you can address her as "Mrs." followed by her married surname. For example, if she is your aunt, you can address her as "Aunt Doe." This approach is generally considered safe and respectful, especially if you are not close to the widow.

In more informal settings, you can address a widow using her first name and married last name. This approach is appropriate in general, formal, and public situations. For example, if the widow's married name is Anna Hoffman, you can address her as "Anna Hoffman."

If the widow has a professional title, such as "Doctor" or "Professor," you can use this title followed by her married last name. This approach is appropriate for business correspondence or when addressing a more distant family member or friend. For example, "Dr. Anna Hoffman."

It is worth noting that some widows may prefer to be addressed as "Ms." or return to using their maiden name, especially after a significant amount of time has passed since their spouse's death. However, it is generally safer to use "Mrs." if you are unsure, as "Ms." may be associated with divorce and could potentially cause offence.

In conclusion, when addressing widows in wedding invitations, it is important to respect their preferences and agency. While traditional approaches use "Mrs." followed by the spouse's full name, it is becoming increasingly common to address widows by their own names and chosen honorifics. Always ask the widow directly if possible, and default to more formal approaches only when necessary or explicitly requested.

Avoid 'Mr. and Mrs. His-First His-Last'

The traditional standard for addressing wedding invitations is often considered outdated and patriarchal, where the man's name is prioritised and the woman's name is left out and lumped in with her husband's. This can be avoided by using people's full names, including the woman's, instead of just using the husband's first and last name.

For example, if the couple shares the same surname, the outer envelope could be addressed to "Mr. Thomas Warren and Mrs. Michelle Warren", instead of "Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Warren". The inner envelope could then be addressed more informally as "Thomas and Michelle".

If the couple has different surnames, their names can be written on the same line with the woman's name first, or if the names are too long, they can be listed separately. For example, the outer envelope could be addressed to "Ms. Maria Stevens and Mr. David Estevez", and the inner envelope to "Maria and David".

If the couple is not married but living together, their names and honorifics can be included on the same line, with the person you are closest to or the one who is alphabetically first, coming first. For example, "Mr. Stanley Kim and Ms. Amanda Rhee" on the outer envelope, and "Stanley and Amanda" on the inner envelope.

It is important to note that some older relatives may prefer more formal and traditional titles, so it is worth considering the preferences of the guests when addressing the invitations.

Address same-sex couples equally

When addressing wedding invitations to same-sex couples, it's important to respect their relationship and use the correct titles and formats. Here are some guidelines to ensure you address same-sex couples equally and respectfully:

Unmarried Same-Sex Couples:

If the couple is not married, the general rule is to address each person individually, just as you would for an unmarried opposite-sex couple. Write each name on a separate line, and arrange the names alphabetically if you're unsure of the order. For example:

Mr. George Bellafante

Mr. Thomas Jones

On the inner envelope, you can use titles and last names:

Mr. Bellafante and Mr. Jones

Married Same-Sex Couples with Different Last Names:

For married couples with different last names, both names are written on the same line, separated by "and." Many married same-sex couples choose to keep their last names, so this format is often appropriate. For example:

Mr. Charles Adams and Mr. John Green

Married Same-Sex Couples with the Same Last Name:

When addressing a married same-sex couple with the same last name, you have a few options. You can use the French plural titles "Messrs." for men and "Mesdames" or "Mmes." for women:

Messrs. Charles and John Green

Mmes. Anna and Emily Andrews

Alternatively, you can use the standard titles "Mr." and "Mrs." for each individual, or write their names without titles:

Mr. John Graham and Mr. David Graham

Mrs. Jane Clint and Mrs. Sarah Clint

You can also list the last name once, especially if they have chosen to share a last name:

Mr. John and Mr. David Graham

Mrs. Jane and Mrs. Sarah Clint

Using Professional Titles:

If one or both members of the couple have professional titles, such as "Dr." or "Esq.," you can include those instead of or in addition to the standard "Mr." or "Mrs." For example:

Dr. Rob Jones and Mr. Ryan Jones

Drs. Maria Constantine and Laura Constantine

Asking for Their Preference:

Remember, there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to addressing same-sex couples. The most important thing is to respect their relationship and preferences. If you are unsure, don't hesitate to ask the couple how they would like to be addressed. They will likely appreciate your thoughtfulness and willingness to get it right.

Respect individual preferences

When addressing wedding invitations, it's important to respect individual preferences and honour people's identities. Here are some ways to do that:

Know Your Guests' Preferences

It's essential to address people according to their preferred names and honorifics. Take the time to learn how each person you're inviting prefers to be addressed. This is especially important for married women who may have chosen to keep their maiden name, or for widows who may prefer to use their late spouse's name. Respecting their choices and addressing them accordingly is a way to make them feel seen and valued.

Ditch the "Mr." and "Mrs."

If you're unsure about your guests' preferences or want to avoid the complexities of titles altogether, a simple solution is to just use people's names. This approach works well for less formal weddings and can be a breath of fresh air for your guests. It's a modern and straightforward way to address your invitations without the fuss of titles and honorifics.

Honour Gender Diversity

Be mindful of gender diversity among your guests. For non-binary individuals or those who don't wish to reveal their gender, using the honorific "Mx." is a respectful choice. Take the time to research your guests' pronouns on social media platforms like Facebook or Instagram, and use that information to guide your invitation wording. This small gesture can make a big difference in making all your guests feel included and respected.

Handle Different Last Names with Care

When addressing couples with different last names, there are a few options to consider. One approach is to list their names on separate lines, with the woman's name first. Alternatively, you can put them on the same line, with the person you know better or the alphabetically first person's name appearing first, followed by "and". This format works for both married and unmarried couples, regardless of gender.

Be Mindful of Cultural Sensitivities

It's important to be aware of cultural differences in naming conventions. For example, in some cultures, women traditionally take their husband's last name, while in others, they may keep their maiden name or use a hyphenated combination. Respect these cultural nuances and address your invitations accordingly.

Forgive Yourself for Mistakes

Lastly, remember that it's okay to make mistakes. Wedding invitation etiquette can be complex, especially when trying to honour feminist and gender-inclusive values. If you accidentally use the wrong title or name, apologise and let it go. Your guests will likely understand, especially if they know you're making an effort to respect their preferences.

Frequently asked questions