Inviting Deceased Loved Ones To Your Wedding Ceremony

Addressing wedding invitations can be a tricky task, especially when dealing with the recent death of a loved one. It is essential to consider the feelings of the bereaved while also maintaining the joy and excitement of the upcoming nuptials. While some may choose to include the deceased's name on the invitation as a way of honouring their memory, others may view this as inappropriate or hurtful. In these situations, it is recommended to use sensitive wording such as the late before the deceased's name or simply address the surviving family member. Ultimately, the decision rests with the couple, who may opt to include as many family members as they wish or take a more modern approach by only listing their own names.

Including a deceased parent's name on the invitation

It is generally advised against including the names of deceased parents on wedding invitations. This is because the people on the invitation are the ones issuing it, and a deceased person cannot do this. However, there are other ways to honour a deceased parent on your wedding day. For example, you could include them in the prayers if you are having a religious ceremony, or in the program as "the late [name]". You could also carry a small picture of them or another memento in your bouquet, or play their favourite song during the reception.

If you are addressing an invitation to a recently widowed parent, it is advised to send a letter with the invitation to explain what a difficult time this is, and that they are welcome to attend but do not need to decide right away. It is also suggested that you do not send their invitation in the same batch as all the others, as this may be hurtful. Instead, wait until after the funeral, and send it a month or so later.

If you are addressing an invitation to a widow who has not recently lost her husband, it is still advised to omit her husband's name from the envelope. You could address the envelope to "Mrs [first name] [last name]" or, if they are more traditional, "Mrs [husband's first name] [last name]".

Addressing the invitation to a widow

When addressing a wedding invitation to a widow, it is generally considered appropriate to use either her deceased husband's first name (for example, Mrs. John Jones) or her own first name (for instance, Mrs. Kathleen Jones). This is the traditional, formal format for addressing a widow and can be used as the default title unless she has remarried or specifically requested otherwise.

However, it is worth noting that some widows may prefer to be addressed differently, especially in cases where a significant amount of time has passed since the death of her spouse, or if she has legally reverted to her maiden name, is dating someone, or has remarried. In such situations, it is advisable to check with the widow directly or with someone close to her to confirm her preferred name and title before sending out the wedding invitation.

Additionally, when addressing the envelope, you can opt for a less formal approach by using her first name and married last name, such as Mrs. [First Name] [Last Name]. Alternatively, you can simply write her full name without any prefixes. This approach is suitable for casual correspondence, such as thank-you notes, holiday cards, or invitations to less formal events.

It is also worth considering the level of formality of your wedding and your relationship with the widow. If defining the widow by her former husband feels uncomfortable or inappropriate, you can choose to use her full name on the invitation. This option is also suitable for women who were in non-heterosexual marriages, as the traditional "husband's name" format would not apply in such cases.

Remarriage and including a step-parent

When it comes to addressing wedding invitations in the case of remarriage and including a step-parent, there are a few considerations to keep in mind. The general rule is to be considerate of the feelings of those who are grieving while also following certain etiquette guidelines. Here are some suggestions on how to navigate this situation:

Timing and Communication:

Firstly, consider the timing of sending the invitation. If the loss is recent, it may be thoughtful to wait a while before sending the invitation to the grieving family member. Sending the invitation too soon after the loss may cause additional pain. In the meantime, reach out to the family and express your condolences.

Addressing the Envelope:

When addressing the envelope, there are a few options to consider:

• Address the invitation to the surviving parent only: You can address the envelope to the surviving parent, using their name or their married name if they have remarried. For example, "Mrs. Jane Doe" or "Mrs. John Smith".
• Include the deceased parent's name: If you want to acknowledge the deceased parent, you can include their name with a phrase such as "the late [Deceased Parent's Name]." For example, " [Engaged Person's Name], child of [Parent's Name] and the late [Deceased Parent's Name]." This way, you honour the memory of the deceased while making it clear that the invitation is for the surviving parent.
• Omit the deceased parent's name: On the other hand, some people may find it upsetting to see the deceased's name on the invitation. In this case, simply address the invitation to the surviving parent without mentioning the deceased.

Including a Step-parent:

If the surviving parent has remarried and you have a close relationship with the step-parent, it is appropriate to include their name on the same line as the surviving parent. For example, " [Parent's Name] and [Step-parent's Name]." This acknowledges the step-parent's role in your life while also honouring the deceased parent.

Other Considerations:

• Offer a plus-one: Consider offering the surviving parent a plus-one, especially if the loss is recent. This can provide them with support and companionship during the wedding.
• Memorialise the deceased: There are other ways to honour the deceased parent during the wedding. You can reserve a seat for them, include a memorial candle, mention them in the wedding program, give a toast, or incorporate memorial poems or flowers that remind you of them.

Remember, there is no one-size-fits-all solution, and you should consider the preferences and feelings of the individuals involved. The key is to be sensitive, respectful, and flexible in your approach.

Honoring a deceased parent during the wedding

When it comes to addressing a deceased person in a wedding invitation, it is generally advised not to include their name as it can be hurtful and inappropriate. Instead, the invitation should be addressed to the surviving spouse or family member. Here are some suggestions for honouring a deceased parent during the wedding:

Before the Wedding

It is important to consider the timing of your wedding. If it is close to the date of the passing, some tributes may be challenging. It is also essential to involve those closest to the deceased in discussions, as some may be particularly sensitive to reminders of their loss.

During the Wedding Ceremony

• Incorporate a special moment just before the couple says 'I do' to remember the deceased parent.
• Write an "In Loving Memory" wedding program note to include a symbolic quote or a simple tribute along with the rest of the ceremony details.
• Reserve a seat in the front row to honour the late parent. Use one of their jackets, place a bouquet of flowers on the chair, or block off the seat with ribbons and a custom sign.
• Carry symbolic flowers such as white roses, which symbolise remembrance and honour.
• Hold a moment of reflection by asking the wedding officiant to announce a moment of silence at the start of the ceremony or shortly before the ring exchange.
• Include the candle-lighting ritual by lighting a unity candle at the start of the ceremony to signify the presence of the deceased parent's spirit.
• Display a framed picture or portrait of the deceased parent. Consider hiring an artist to create a custom illustration or painting, or choose a favourite photo to be specially framed for the occasion.
• Add a hidden patch to the wedding attire made from a piece of fabric that reminds the couple of their loved one, such as a heart-shaped patch made from a parent's shirt.
• Leave a chair open in the first few rows to represent the deceased parent's presence and their memory.
• Light a memorial candle to honour lost loved ones, or light a candle specifically to represent the deceased parent.
• Write a message in the programs if printing a detailed program for the wedding day. Include a short tribute, such as mentioning the parent's name with the words "remembering" or "In remembrance."
• Carry a memento in the bouquet or wear an heirloom item, such as cuff links, a handkerchief, or a necklace.
• Incorporate their memory into the ceremony by asking the officiant to suggest options such as reading quotes, passages, or other tributes.

During the Wedding Reception

• Create an 'In Memoriam' table with framed photos of the deceased parent and other loved ones, along with sentimental objects and keepsakes.
• Share a sentimental recipe that the deceased parent loved, such as their award-winning cookies or a special combination of olives and cheese.
• Display family photos and heirlooms to showcase their favourite belongings, tapping into the "something old, something borrowed" tradition.
• Play a special song that holds meaning, such as a tune that was often sung or danced to with the deceased parent.
• Give wedding favours in their honour by offering a special favour inspired by something they loved, along with a sign explaining the token.
• Donate to a charity in lieu of gifts. Make a donation to support a cause the deceased parent was passionate about or volunteer for.
• Serve a signature drink named after the deceased parent, and decorate with drink menus or cocktail napkins featuring their portrait.
• Incorporate their memory into wedding speeches by reading a poem of remembrance, toasting with their favourite drink, or reading a letter from or to the deceased parent.
• Hold a time of silence to quietly reflect on the memory of the deceased parent.
• Say a prayer or share a quote that reminds the couple of the deceased parent, such as a classic prayer, a quote from a TV show, or lyrics from a song.

Alternatives to addressing the deceased

When addressing wedding invitations, it is important to be sensitive to the feelings of those who have lost a loved one. Here are some alternatives to addressing the deceased on the invitations:

• Use the surviving spouse's name: If the deceased person's spouse is still alive, you can address the invitation to them using their name. For example, "Mrs. Jane Doe" or "Mrs. John Smith" if they prefer to use their deceased husband's name. This option is more modern and customary.
• Offer a plus one: You can readdress the invitation to the surviving spouse and offer them a plus one. This way, they can bring a friend for support if they feel more comfortable. It is considerate to wait until closer to the wedding to mention the plus one, as it may be too soon for them to decide.
• Send a handwritten note: Instead of including the deceased's name on the invitation, send a handwritten note expressing your condolences and that you will miss their presence. This gesture shows your thoughtfulness and acknowledges their loss.
• Wait to send the invitation: Give the grieving individual some time before sending the invitation. Sending it in the same batch as others might be insensitive. Waiting a month or so, or at least until after the funeral, can be more considerate. You can also let their family know that you are sending the invitation later to be respectful of their loss.
• Ask the family: If you are unsure, it is best to ask the family what they prefer. They can guide you on how to address the invitation sensitively and appropriately. Every family is different, and their input can help you navigate this challenging situation.

Remember, the key is to be thoughtful and considerate. Addressing a deceased person on a wedding invitation can be hurtful, so it is best to focus on honouring their memory and supporting the surviving loved ones.

Frequently asked questions