Parents Inviting Friends: The Wedding Guest List Dilemma

Deciding how many friends your parents should invite to your wedding can be a tricky topic. While you may want a small, intimate wedding, your parents might want to invite everyone they know. If your parents are contributing financially to your wedding, they will have more of a say over the guest list. However, it is your wedding, so you and your partner should get to invite the majority of the guests. A common way to split the guest list is to give one-third of the guest list spots to each set of parents and the remaining third to the couple. However, you can split it however works best for you. It is important to be fair and equitable and to set a budget and target number of guests before finalising the guest list.

Budgeting for the wedding

Budgeting for a wedding can be a daunting task, but it is one of the most important steps in the wedding planning process. Here are some tips to help you create and stick to your wedding budget:

Determine Who Will Be Contributing

The first step is to figure out who will be paying for the wedding. Traditionally, the bride's parents covered the whole bill, but nowadays, both families often chip in, and the bride and groom may also contribute. It's important to have an open and honest discussion about how much each party is able and willing to contribute, as this will give you a starting point for your budget.

Consider the Guest List

The number of guests you invite will have a significant impact on your budget. Catering services typically charge per head, and other costs such as venue rental, decorations, and favours will also increase with the number of guests. Consider how many people you can afford to invite and be realistic about the probability of them attending.

Set a Budget and Stick to It

It's important to set a budget before you start shopping for venues, dresses, or cakes. Avoid falling in love with something that is out of your price range. Be prepared to adjust your expectations if your budget and wedding plans are misaligned. Remember, starting married life with a healthy savings account is more important than a lavish wedding.

Break Down Your Budget by Category

Allocate your budget across different categories, such as venue, catering, photography, music, flowers, attire, and so on. While there are no hard and fast rules, a good rule of thumb is to spend no more than 40% of your budget on the venue, rental fees, food, and alcohol. You might also want to allocate around 12% to photography and/or videography, 10% to music and entertainment, and so on.

Look Out for Hidden Costs

There are often hidden costs associated with weddings that you might not consider upfront, such as beauty treatments, bachelor/bachelorette parties, vendor meals, and overtime costs. Taxes, tips, and gratuities can also add up, so be sure to factor these into your budget.

Negotiate with Vendors

Don't be afraid to negotiate with wedding vendors. Many vendors will be willing to work with you to customize a package that suits your budget. Be upfront and honest about your budget, and see if they are willing to tailor their package to meet your needs.

Track Your Expenses

Stay organized by creating a spreadsheet to track your wedding budget and expenses. Each time you sign a contract or send a payment, record it so you always know how close you are to your bottom line. Share the document with your fiancé and anyone else who is helping to pay for the wedding.

Venue capacity

When deciding on a wedding venue, it's important to consider the venue's capacity and how it aligns with your guest list. Here are some tips to help you navigate this aspect of wedding planning:

Know Your Guest List

Begin by estimating the number of guests you plan to invite. This will help you choose a venue that can comfortably accommodate your group without feeling too cramped or overcrowded. It's essential to have a realistic idea of your guest count to ensure you don't exceed the venue's capacity and to facilitate table arrangements and space optimisation.

When considering venue capacity, it's not just about fitting everyone in. You also want your guests to be comfortable. The maximum capacity of a room may not provide a pleasant guest experience, so be sure to ask the venue about their comfortable capacity. This will ensure your guests have room to move around and enjoy the celebration without feeling cramped.

Avoid an Oversized Space

While you don't want a venue that's too small, choosing one that's too large can also be a mistake. An oversized space for your guest count can result in additional expenses to make the venue feel full and intimate. It's a delicate balance, and you want to avoid a situation where your guests are scattered in a vast, underfilled room.

Ceremony and Reception Spaces

If you're booking separate ceremony and reception spaces, ensure that both venues can accommodate your total guest count. It's important to remember that the same guests should be invited to both parts of the wedding.

Venue Packages and Included Items

When considering venue capacity and guest experience, don't forget to think about what's included in the venue package. Some venues provide tables, chairs, linens, catering, and other services, while others allow you to bring in your own vendors and décor. Compare the costs of these different options, keeping in mind that bringing in outside vendors may increase your overall expenses.

Budget Allocation

The venue is a significant expense, and it's essential to allocate a suitable portion of your overall wedding budget to it. Venues with more inclusive packages may charge a higher percentage of your budget, while venues that require you to bring in outside vendors may be more affordable upfront but could result in additional costs.

In conclusion, when deciding on a wedding venue, carefully consider the venue's capacity, your guest list, and the overall guest experience you want to create. By finding the right balance, you can ensure a memorable celebration that fits within your budget and leaves your guests with fond memories.

Who to invite

When deciding who to invite to your wedding, it's important to consider your budget and the size of your venue. The number of guests you invite will impact the cost of your wedding, so it's essential to set a budget and stick to it. The venue's capacity is also a crucial factor, as you need to ensure the comfort and safety of your guests.

If your parents are contributing financially to your wedding, it's common to allocate a portion of the guest list for them to invite their friends and extended family. However, it's your wedding, and you should feel comfortable with the people attending. Be honest and direct with your parents about your vision for an intimate celebration and set clear boundaries on the number of guests they can invite.

A general guideline is to divide the guest list into thirds: one-third for the bride's parents, one-third for the groom's parents, and one-third for the couple. This ensures fairness and allows both families to be involved. If your parents want to invite more guests than their allotted portion, they should contribute financially to cover the additional costs.

It's essential to treat your family members equally when creating the guest list. For example, if you invite one aunt, consider including all aunts and uncles. This helps to maintain family harmony and avoid hurt feelings.

Remember that you are not obligated to invite everyone your parents suggest. If there are people you don't know or haven't seen in years, it's reasonable to decline their inclusion on the guest list. You can politely explain that you want to keep the wedding intimate and only include those closest to you.

In summary, when deciding "who to invite" to your wedding, consider your budget and venue capacity, allocate portions of the guest list for your parents' invitations, treat family members equally, and be honest about your preferences for an intimate celebration.

Dealing with parents' requests

Involving Parents in the Guest List Process

If your parents are contributing financially to the wedding, they will typically have a say in the guest list. A common approach is to divide the guest list into thirds, with one-third of the invites going to the bride's parents, one-third to the groom's parents, and the remaining third to the couple. This ensures fairness and equality. However, it is essential to establish clear boundaries and communicate your vision for an intimate wedding.

Setting Clear Boundaries

Be transparent about your budget and venue capacity constraints. If your parents are insistent on inviting additional guests, ask them to contribute financially to cover the added costs. You can also suggest a reception for their friends after the wedding as a compromise.

Communicating Your Preferences

Express your desire for a small and intimate wedding. Emphasize that you want your closest friends and family present, creating a personal atmosphere. Be firm but respectful, and provide valid reasons for not wanting strangers at your wedding. You can say something like, "We're really hoping to keep the wedding to our closest friends and family members—people who really know us."

Handling Pushback

If your parents are concerned about their allotted number of guests, remain calm and try to find a compromise. For example, you could suggest a separate celebration with their extended network of friends to mark the occasion.

Keeping Track of the Guest List

Create a centralized online document for the guest list, allowing your parents to view and suggest additions. This ensures transparency and helps to avoid confusion. Set a firm deadline for finalizing the guest list and communicate this clearly to your parents.

Managing Expectations

Be realistic and don't assume people won't attend. If your parents try to add guests, thinking they won't come, gently remind them that most invited guests usually attend, especially for hometown weddings.

Involving Your Partner

Let your partner take the lead in managing their parents' expectations. This maintains a good relationship with your in-laws during the planning process. Remember that even if your parents are contributing more financially, your partner's parents should still be allowed to invite a reasonable number of guests.

Picking Your Battles

If your parents' requests are within your budget and venue capacity, ask yourself, "What's the harm if they come?" As long as these additional guests won't cause drama, remember that they want to celebrate with you and be a part of your special day.

Maintaining a Positive Relationship

Throughout the planning process, focus on maintaining a positive relationship with your parents. Wedding planning can be stressful, but it's important to keep things in perspective and not let guest list debates ruin your happiness.

Remember, while it's essential to consider your parents' requests, ultimately, the decision rests with you and your partner. Be empathetic, communicate clearly, and find compromises where possible to ensure everyone feels involved and respected.

Etiquette

When it comes to wedding guest list etiquette, parents and in-laws are often the worst offenders. They're probably super-excited about your wedding, which may mean that they want to invite everyone they know, even if you’re hoping for a smaller, more intimate celebration. It’s impossible to make everyone completely happy during these guest list debates, but with a bit of compromise and tact, you can totally make it happen.

• Money = Power: If your parents and/or in-laws are contributing money to your big day, they get a say on who’s invited. That means if you and your partner are paying for the whole wedding, you have full veto power.
• Come Up with a Budget First: The more guests you invite, the more expensive your wedding will be. Set your wedding budget before creating a guest list and if your budget is tight, keep your guest list small.
• Be Fair and Equitable: Once you and any contributors have come up with the amount you can spend on the wedding in total, work on creating an early draft of your guest list. While this list doesn’t have to be final, you’ll need an estimated guest count before you can look at venues. If your parents and in-laws are contributing money, you should divide the guest list into thirds—one-third for you and your future spouse, one-third for your parents, and one-third for your in-laws.
• Keep Things Consistent: If you’ve decided not to invite children or allow plus-ones, these rules should be clearly communicated to your parents and applied to their guests as well.
• Choose Your Venue Wisely: The wedding venue you select will play a major role in the number of guests you can host. Your venue’s capacity isn’t just a random figure; it’s set in place to ensure your guests’ safety and comfort. Once the venue contract is signed, you’re agreeing to keep your guest count within that capacity.
• Keep Your Wedding Guest List in a Central Location: Create your guest list document online and allow your parents to view it. If possible, you and your partner should be the only ones with editing privileges so you’ll be able to “approve” any changes.
• Don’t Assume People Won’t Come: Your parents may try to get around wedding guest list etiquette rules by saying, “Just add your second cousin Paul to the guest list—he won’t come.” Actually, he very well may come.
• Let Your Partner Manage Your In-Laws: If your future in-laws are trying to break wedding guest list etiquette, have your partner handle the situation. Your goal should be to maintain a good relationship with your in-laws during the wedding planning process.

Remember, it’s impossible to make everyone completely happy during these guest list debates, but with a bit of compromise and tact, you can totally make it happen.

Frequently asked questions