The Etiquette Of Wedding Money: To Sign Or Not To Sign?

When it comes to giving money as a wedding gift, there are a few options to consider. You could opt for cash, a cheque, or a gift card, or contribute to a cash fund or charity donation. If you choose to give cash, it's a good idea to put it in a card with a thoughtful message. For cheques, it's important to use the couple's pre-married names and avoid making assumptions about name changes. Using or instead of and between their names will ensure they can deposit the cheque easily. Gift cards are a great option as they offer the couple freedom of choice, while cash funds and charity donations are also popular and allow the couple to choose where to allocate the money.

Using or instead of and between names

When addressing a wedding card or cheque, it is important to use the correct conjunction between the names of the couple. Using "or" instead of "and" ensures that the cheque can be deposited into either of the couple's accounts. For example, writing "Kim Jones or Jackie Garcia" means that either person can deposit the cheque, whereas "Kim Jones and Jackie Garcia" would likely require both to be present at the time of deposit.

Using "or" is especially important if only one member of the couple is making a trip to the bank, or if they wish to cash the cheque before going on their honeymoon and one or both of them are planning to change their last names after the wedding.

This rule does not apply to all situations, however. In headlines, for instance, "and" can be replaced by a comma for brevity. In technical documentation, "and/or" is commonly used to mean either "and" or "or", though this is generally avoided in essays and novels.

Addressing the card to both members of the couple

When addressing a wedding card, it is important to make it out to both members of the couple. This is the case even if you only know one half of the couple well. Myka Meier, the founder of the New York City-based consultancy Beaumont Etiquette and The Plaza Hotel Finishing Program, and author of Modern Etiquette Made Easy, says:

> "If you know the bride, don't make the mistake of addressing something very personal to just her... Now that she is married, the contents of the card should be relevant to both of the newlyweds."

There are a few different ways to address the card, depending on the couple's marital status, whether they share a last name, and their genders. Here are some examples:

Traditional:

• Mr. and Mrs. [Husband's first name] [Shared last name]
• Mr. and Mrs. [Shared last name]
• Mr. [Groom's first and last name] and Mrs. [Bride's first and last name]
• Dr. [First name] and Mrs. [First name] [Shared last name]

Contemporary:

• [First names]
• [First name] & [First name]
• [Husband's first name] & [Wife's first name] [Shared last name]
• The Doctors [Shared last name]

If the couple does not share a last name, it is best to list them alphabetically by last name. When in doubt, it is always a good idea to ask the couple which form of address they prefer.

When it comes to the gift itself, it is generally advised to give a check instead of cash. This is because, if cash gets lost, it is gone for good, whereas a check can be cancelled and reissued. If you choose to give a check, it is important to address it to both members of the couple, using their pre-married names. This is because it can take time for a name change to clear with the bank, and using their pre-married names will allow them to deposit the check right away. When writing their names, be sure to use the conjunction "or" instead of "and", as this will ensure that either member of the couple can deposit the check into their account. For example, "Stella Whitbey or Alex Umar".

Finally, don't forget to include a heartfelt message inside the card!

Including a note beyond what is pre-written

When giving money as a wedding gift, it is important to include a note beyond what is pre-written on the card. This makes the gift more personal and helps to avoid any confusion about what the money is for. Here are some tips and examples to help you write a thoughtful note to accompany your monetary wedding gift:

Pair your monetary gift with a card

Adding a personal note to your monetary gift can make it stand out and show that you care about the couple. Etiquette expert Myka Meier recommends always including a note beyond the pre-written message in the card. She suggests sharing your best wishes and words of advice for the couple, showing your support for their love story. For example, you could write something like, "Wishing you a lifetime of love and happiness. We hope this gift helps you build a beautiful future together."

Specify what the money is for

In your note, you can specify what you would like the couple to use the money for. For instance, you could write, "We'd love for you to use this towards your honeymoon. We hope it helps create some unforgettable memories." Alternatively, you could give them the freedom to choose by saying something like, "Please use this gift for something you need to start your new life together." This lets the couple know that the money is intended as a wedding gift and can be spent according to their wishes.

Share a memory or a personal message

If you are close to the couple, you can make your note even more personal by sharing a memory or a story. For example, "I'll never forget that crazy road trip we took together. Here's to many more adventures as a married couple!" You could also offer marriage advice or a funny anecdote, such as, "Marriage advice: Always kiss the cook, and remember, whoever cooks doesn't clean!" Adding a personal touch will make your monetary gift more meaningful and memorable.

Consider the timing of your gift

If you are unable to attend the wedding, you can mail your card and gift anytime between receiving the invitation and a few weeks after the wedding. If you are attending, you can bring your card and gift to the wedding and leave it at the gift table or card box at the reception. There is no strict timeframe, but it is generally recommended to send your gift no earlier than 30 days before and no later than 60 days after the wedding.

Choose between cash or check

While giving cash as a wedding gift is acceptable, some etiquette experts suggest giving a check instead. Lizzie Post, an etiquette expert, recommends sending a check rather than cash in case the envelope gets lost. A check also adds a personal touch as it includes the couple's names and can be tracked by the giver. However, if you prefer to give cash, you can make it more special by presenting it in a creative way, such as in a personalised card or a decorative envelope.

Avoiding assumptions about name changes

When addressing a wedding card, it's important to avoid making assumptions about name changes. Here are some tips for avoiding assumptions and ensuring your gift is received by the couple:

• Use both the couple's pre-married or maiden names on the card and envelope. This is especially important if you are giving a check as a gift, as it ensures that either member of the couple can cash the check.
• Avoid assuming that a heterosexual couple has followed the traditional route of the bride taking the husband's last name. Similarly, avoid assuming that a couple has hyphenated their last names in alphabetical order.
• If you are unsure about the couple's official new names, it is best to ask their parents or someone close to them for clarification.
• Consider addressing the envelope more generally, such as "To the newlyweds," "To the Mr. and Mrs.," "To the Mr. and Mr.," or "To the Mrs. and Mrs." This way, you can avoid any potential confusion or mistakes.
• If you are giving a monetary gift, it is generally recommended to give a check rather than cash, as checks can be tracked and cancelled if lost or stolen.
• Remember to include a personal note in the card beyond any pre-written message. This could be a simple expression of your well-wishes or a heartfelt message celebrating the couple's new life together.

Depositing a cheque with two names

When depositing a cheque with two names, the process will vary depending on the conjunction used between the names. If the cheque uses "or" or "and/or", either person can deposit the cheque into their individual account. If the cheque uses "and", both people will need to be present at the bank to deposit the cheque.

In the case of wedding money, it is recommended to use "or" between the names of the couple. This will ensure that either person can deposit the cheque without any issues. It is also advised to use the couple's pre-married names, as name changes can take time and may cause issues with the bank.

When depositing a cheque with two names, it is always a good idea to check with the bank first to understand their specific rules and requirements. Some banks may require both parties to endorse the cheque, even if only one person is depositing it. Additionally, for larger amounts, the bank may require both parties to be present for the deposit.

Frequently asked questions