Married First, Wedding Later: A Valid Option?

Getting married and having a wedding later is a great option for couples who want to be married sooner rather than later. There are many reasons why a couple might choose to do this, including financial constraints, religious or family pressures, or simply wanting to have a small, intimate ceremony followed by a larger celebration. This option can also reduce stress and allow couples to focus on the intimacy of their vows and their commitment to each other. Additionally, it gives couples the freedom to choose any date for their wedding, including a date that may be significant to them but doesn't coincide with their actual wedding day. Ultimately, the decision to get married and have a wedding later is a personal one, and couples should do what feels right for them without worrying about societal expectations.

Reducing stress and anxiety

It is possible to get married and then have a wedding ceremony later. Some people opt for this approach for financial reasons, to take the pressure off the big day, or due to time constraints. However, it is important to note that some guests may feel left out or upset if they are not invited to the initial ceremony. Being honest and transparent with your guests about your plans can help to manage their expectations and avoid any potential hurt feelings.

Planning a wedding can be a stressful and anxiety-inducing process, even for the most laid-back couples. Here are some strategies to help reduce stress and anxiety:

Be Open and Honest

Financial discussions can be difficult, but it is important to be transparent about your budget with those contributing to the wedding. Having open conversations about expectations and limitations can help alleviate financial anxiety and ensure that everyone is on the same page.

Embrace Imperfections

It is easy to get caught up in pursuing the "perfect" wedding. However, recognizing that imperfection is inevitable can help you focus on the meaningful aspects of your ceremony. Remember that most of the choices you make are likely good ones, and try not to get too caught up in minor details or decisions.

Take Breaks

Wedding planning can be all-encompassing, but it is crucial to make time for yourself and your well-being. Step away from planning occasionally and engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. This can include date nights, self-care rituals, spending time with friends, or pursuing hobbies and interests outside of wedding planning.

Set Realistic Goals

Instead of striving for a completely stress-free experience, set realistic goals that focus on your values and priorities. Decide on the non-negotiable elements that are most important to you and your partner, and be flexible with the rest. This can help reduce anxiety and prevent you from feeling overwhelmed.

Feel Your Feelings

Allow yourself to experience a range of emotions during the planning process. Acknowledge and accept your anxiety without judgment or self-criticism. Trying to force anxiety away can often increase it. Instead, cultivate an attitude of compassion and co-existence with your feelings.

Focus on the Big Picture

Remind yourself that this stressful phase is temporary and that you and your partner are a team. Shift your perspective by focusing on the long-term goal of spending your life with your best friend. This can help put any short-term worries or anxieties into perspective.

Sharing an intimate moment

The "First Look" Moment

The first look is a special moment where the couple sees each other for the first time on their wedding day. While some couples prefer to wait until the ceremony, others choose to have a private moment before the festivities begin. This can be a beautiful opportunity for photos and a chance for the couple to connect and calm any nerves before walking down the aisle. During the first look, the couple can take their time, embrace, exchange letters or gifts, and truly savour the moment.

Emotional Vows and Readings

Writing and reciting your own vows is an incredibly intimate and heartfelt way to share your love and commitment. Whether you choose to write letters to each other, read them aloud during the ceremony, or surprise your partner with vows, this is a sure way to create an intimate moment. You could also include meaningful readings, whether they are religious passages, poetry, or excerpts from literature. These words will add depth and emotion to your ceremony and create lasting memories.

Exchanging Rings and First Kiss

The exchange of wedding rings is a powerful symbol of your commitment and love. This moment, often accompanied by the first kiss as a married couple, is deeply intimate and can be made even more special with personal touches. Whether you write your own ring vows or incorporate unique traditions, this is a moment to savour and cherish.

Private Moments During the Reception

While the ceremony is a focal point for intimate moments, don't forget that the reception offers opportunities for connection as well. A quiet moment on the dance floor, a private toast, or a stroll through the venue grounds can provide a chance for the couple to connect away from the crowd.

Involving Loved Ones

Incorporating your loved ones into your wedding ceremony can create intimate moments that deepen the significance of your celebration. Whether it's having your parents or siblings walk you down the aisle, including them in a sand ceremony, or even having a close friend officiate the wedding, these touches add a layer of intimacy and emotion.

Remember, when it comes to creating intimate moments, there are no hard and fast rules. Choose the traditions and moments that resonate with you and your partner, and don't be afraid to make them your own.

Choosing your own date

One of the biggest benefits of getting married and having a wedding later is that you can choose any date you want for your wedding ceremony. This means that you can select a date that is meaningful to you, even if it doesn't coincide with your actual wedding day. For example, you could choose to get married on a date that holds special significance for you and your partner, such as the anniversary of when you first met or the day you got engaged. Alternatively, you might want to keep the date of your original wedding, which had to be postponed for some reason. Getting married and then having a wedding later gives you the flexibility to choose the date that works best for you, regardless of external factors.

Another advantage of choosing your own date is that you can take advantage of seasonal benefits. For instance, you could opt for a winter wedding with all the romantic snow-covered backdrops and cosy indoor celebrations. Or, if you prefer warmer weather, you can select a date in the summer when you're more likely to have sunny skies and balmy evenings for your outdoor festivities. By choosing your own date, you can create a wedding that aligns with your vision and preferences, whether it's a snowy winter wonderland or a sun-soaked summer celebration.

Additionally, by selecting your own date, you can also take into consideration the availability of your desired venue and vendors. Popular wedding venues and vendors are often booked up months, or even years, in advance. By choosing your own date, you can increase your chances of securing your dream venue and vendors without having to compromise. This ensures that your wedding day is exactly as you've always envisioned it, with all the elements you desire falling perfectly into place.

Finally, choosing your own date allows you to plan around the schedules of your loved ones. If you have family or friends who live far away or have busy careers, you can select a date that works best for them, ensuring their presence on your special day. By doing so, you create an opportunity for everyone to come together and celebrate your union, creating memories that will last a lifetime.

Customising your wedding

Before the Wedding

• Host cocktails before the ceremony to get the party started early and give guests a chance to mingle. You can keep it simple by serving just one signature cocktail or champagne.
• Write thank-you notes to your guests in advance and leave them at the ceremony entrance. This is a thoughtful way to make your guests feel welcome and appreciated.
• Plan pre-wedding activities for your guests, especially if you're marrying at an interesting location like a museum, zoo, or scenic mountaintop. Offer them the option of taking a fun behind-the-scenes tour before the ceremony.

During the Ceremony

• Personalise your wedding programs with fun facts about you as a couple, readings and song selections that are special to you, and fonts that you love.
• Adorn your guests with favours such as boutonnieres and fresh-flower hair clips. If your wedding has a distinct theme, wearable favours are a great way to set the mood.
• Tease your guests' taste buds with a snack while they wait. Serve a favourite dish or give a preview of what's to come, such as an Italian-inspired feast or your aunt's world-famous soul food.
• Ask your best friend to officiate the ceremony. If it's a non-religious ceremony, you can ask a friend to be your officiant by getting ordained online.
• Switch up the ceremony structure by seating guests in a circle around the altar or winding your way through the guests during the processional. This creates a whimsical effect and allows you to walk past more guests.
• Choose meaningful processional music that speaks to you and your relationship. Whether it's your favourite song, a tune with personal significance, or something fun and unique, make it your own!
• Go non-traditional with your walk down the aisle. Buck tradition and walk down the aisle with your partner by your side. It's a poignant and sweet way to kick off your new life together.
• Add a unique backdrop to the altar, such as a circle installation, a flower-filled display, or even a beautiful view like the Pacific Ocean.

After the Ceremony

• Host your reception at a sentimental setting, such as your childhood home, the house you live in with your partner, or a summer vacation home. This adds a personal and intimate touch to your celebration.
• Tell a story with your seating chart by using it to display your relationship timeline. Include photos and anecdotes from each year of your relationship, corresponding to different reception tables.
• Switch up your guest book by setting up an old telephone for guests to leave audio messages. This captures the voices, emotions, and personalities of your loved ones, adding a unique and interactive element to your wedding.
• Make a unique entrance to your reception that reflects your relationship. For example, if your partner is a sports fan, incorporate their favourite team into your grand entrance.
• Serve your favourite foods at the reception. Recreate a memorable dish you've shared as a couple, or cuisine that reflects your cultural background.
• Curate your own playlist to make sure your DJ or live band plays songs that you and your partner love. Include songs that hold special meaning or reflect your musical preferences.
• Add an element of your culture to the reception. Incorporate traditional wedding customs, cuisine, or music that celebrates your heritage.

Choosing your own officiant

An officiant is anyone who has the legal authority to solemnize a marriage. They can be spiritual or religious, but not technically clergy. Some officiants aren't religious at all, while some are clergy members who also work outside of houses of worship.

Religious or secular?

First, you need to decide whether you want a religious or secular officiant. If you opt for a religious ceremony, you're limited in the kind of officiant you can have. For example, if you're getting married in a Catholic church, your wedding will need to be officiated by a priest. If you're Jewish and getting married in a synagogue, you'll need to be married by a rabbi.

Do your research

Even if you know your chosen officiant well, it's important to check their credentials. Ask for references from other couples whose weddings they've officiated. Remember, your officiant has a legal role to play on your big day, so make sure they have the necessary licensing from their local community and state of residence. Also, ask if they have any advanced training or academic degrees in their field.

Confirm they're a confident speaker

Your officiant will be the de facto host or emcee of your wedding, so it's crucial that they're a good orator. They should be confident, speak clearly, and understand how to create dramatic tension and levity, taking everyone on a journey with their words and voice. Try to see them 'in action' either at a service or in a video from another wedding to gauge their presentation skills.

Get to know them personally

This person will play an important role in your wedding and your life, so it's wise to spend time getting to know them. Meet with them multiple times before the wedding to discuss your vision and ensure they're the right fit.

Figure out any planning obligations

Most officiants require couples to fulfill certain planning obligations before the wedding, such as premarital counselling, online training sessions, or one-on-one meetings. It's important to determine early on if you're able to attend all the necessary premarital meetings and fulfill the officiant's requirements.

Ensure their values align with yours

Especially for religious ceremonies, values and levels of conservatism can cause issues if not addressed early on. Ask for their ceremony script, including vows and readings, to ensure they align with your values and vision for the wedding.

Start the process early

Begin your search for an officiant early in your wedding planning process, and meet with potential candidates in person or via video call to get a feel for their personality and how they'll work with you to prepare your ceremony.

Frequently asked questions