Planning A Wedding: What To Do When Uncertainty Strikes

There are many reasons why a wedding may not go ahead. From infidelity to cold feet, a wedding being called off can be emotionally and financially draining. Wedding planners, for instance, often need to pay vendors and venues in advance, and if the wedding is called off at the last minute, these costs may not be recoverable.

Even if the wedding does go ahead, there's no guarantee that the marriage will last. From fistfights at the rehearsal dinner to the bride getting cold feet as she walks down the aisle, there are many red flags that can indicate a marriage is doomed from the start.

However, sometimes it is the unexpected moments that make a wedding truly unforgettable. For example, one bride's quick thinking and humour were on full display when she interrupted the ceremony to remind the officiant to tell the guests to sit down.

What if your partner cheated on you before the wedding?

Infidelity is one of the biggest issues a couple can face, and it can be especially devastating when it happens right before a wedding. If you discover your partner has cheated on you in the lead-up to your wedding, it can call into question not only the wedding itself but also your entire relationship. Here are some steps you can take to navigate this challenging situation:

Talk to Your Partner

The first step is to have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Ask them to explain what happened and give them a chance to share their point of view. This will help you understand their motivations and see how they respond to the situation. Are they truly remorseful, or are they defensive and unapologetic? Their reaction will give you valuable insight into their character and commitment to the relationship.

Consider the Nature of the Incident

Cheating can take many forms, from a one-time lapse in judgment to a long-standing affair. It's important to understand the context and circumstances surrounding the infidelity. Was it a drunken mistake or a premeditated decision? Are they still emotionally involved with the other person? Understanding the nature of the incident will help you determine whether it's something you can move past or a deal-breaker.

Evaluate Your Relationship as a Whole

Take a step back and reflect on your relationship as a whole. Does your partner have a history of cheating or dishonesty? Or is this an isolated incident? If there is a pattern of infidelity, it may indicate deeper issues that need to be addressed. On the other hand, if this is a first-time offence and your partner is truly remorseful, you may be more inclined to forgive and try to rebuild trust.

Decide if the Relationship is Worth Saving

Ultimately, the decision to stay or leave is yours alone. Ask yourself if you can genuinely forgive your partner and rebuild trust. Are you both willing to put in the time and effort to heal and strengthen your relationship? If you decide to stay, couples counselling can provide a supportive environment to navigate the complex path of trust rebuilding. It takes time, honesty, and mutual commitment to heal and grow from infidelity.

Don't Be Afraid to Walk Away

If, after careful consideration, you feel that the breach of trust is too great to overcome, it's perfectly valid to call off the wedding. Remember, this is your life, and you need to do what's best for your well-being and future happiness. Don't let external pressures or the fear of judgment influence your decision. Prioritize yourself and make the choice that feels right for you.

What if your partner is abusive?

If you are experiencing abuse in your relationship, it is important to recognize the signs of abuse and take steps to protect yourself. Abuse can take many forms, including physical, verbal, mental, psychological, financial, sexual, and cultural abuse. It is not your fault if you are experiencing abuse, and you do not deserve it. Trust your instincts and reach out for help.

• Your partner has told you that you are abusive.
• Your partner is afraid of you.
• You have threatened to kill your partner.
• You believe that your way is the only way.
• You have physically harmed your partner, such as hitting, slapping, pushing, pulling hair, or choking them.
• You feel jealous often.
• You believe you have the right to know your partner's whereabouts and activities at all times.
• You constantly call or text your partner when they are out.
• You consider yourself to be in charge of the relationship.
• You enjoy seeing your partner in pain or hurt.
• You believe your partner deserves to be punished.
• You destroy your partner's belongings on purpose.
• You have been arrested for violent behavior.
• Others have told you that you have an anger problem.
• Your partner has tried to leave you.

If you recognize these signs in your relationship, it is important to seek help. You can start by reaching out to a domestic violence hotline or a mental health professional. It may be helpful to work with a licensed professional counselor, clinical social worker, psychologist, marriage and family therapist, or psychiatrist. Individual therapy can be a good first step to discuss your concerns and develop new coping skills. Eventually, you may also consider couples therapy to work on improving your relationship.

Remember that you are not alone and help is available. Taking steps to address the abuse in your relationship can be challenging, but it is important for your safety and well-being.

What if your partner is gay?

If your partner is gay, it is important to remember that you are not alone in this situation. Same-sex weddings are increasingly common and, as a result, gender roles are being redefined. It is important to have open and honest conversations with your partner about your feelings and expectations.

If you are unsure about whether to attend a same-sex wedding, it is essential to consider your own values and beliefs. For some, attending a same-sex wedding may conflict with their religious or personal values. In such cases, it may be appropriate to politely decline the invitation and explain your reasons for doing so. However, it is important to approach this situation with love and compassion, being mindful of the potential impact on your relationship with your partner and their family.

If you decide not to attend, it is crucial to communicate your decision sensitively and respectfully. You may consider spending time with your partner beforehand to explain your perspective and reassure them that your decision is not a rejection of them as a person. It is also important to continue building bridges and spending time with them, both before and after the ceremony, to demonstrate your ongoing love and support.

On the other hand, you may decide that attending the wedding is the best way to show your love and support for your partner. This decision may be influenced by your desire to maintain a positive relationship with them and their family, recognizing that your presence can be a powerful expression of unconditional love.

Ultimately, the decision to attend a same-sex wedding when your partner is gay is a personal one. It is important to weigh your values and beliefs against the potential impact on your relationship. Open communication, sensitivity, and respect should guide your approach, regardless of your decision.

What if your partner is a cheater after the wedding?

If your partner is a cheater after the wedding, it is important to remember that you are not to blame for their behaviour. Cheating is a choice and is never the fault of the person being cheated on.

If you discover that your partner has cheated, it is important to take time to think about what has happened, give each other space, and seek support from friends or a therapist. It is also crucial to consider the relationship as a whole and whether there are underlying issues that led to the infidelity. Ask yourself if the relationship is fixable and if you are willing to put in the effort to repair it.

If you decide to stay and work on the relationship, couples counselling is highly recommended. It is important that your partner acknowledges the impact of their actions and is willing to put in the work to rebuild trust. They should be open to having difficult conversations and addressing the root causes of the infidelity.

However, if you feel that the relationship is beyond repair, it is important to prioritise your well-being and consider walking away. This decision can be incredibly difficult, especially if the wedding has already taken place. Remember that you do not owe anyone an explanation for your decision, and your responsibility is ultimately to yourself.

• Changes in communication, such as stonewalling, ignoring what you say, or refusing to talk
• Increased interest in their appearance or dressing differently
• Spending more time away from home or being vague about their whereabouts
• Accusing you of cheating
• Changes in your sex life, such as decreased intimacy or the introduction of new things
• Changes in technology use, such as changing passwords or being unreachable at certain times

What if your partner is controlling?

If you are experiencing controlling behaviour from your partner, it's important to recognise the signs and take steps to address the issue. Here are some things to consider if your partner is controlling:

Recognise the signs of a controlling partner:

• They make decisions for you and don't respect your autonomy.
• They are overprotective and question your activities, getting upset if you don't answer their calls immediately.
• They play the blame game and have a hard time taking responsibility for their actions.
• They criticise you frequently and erode your self-confidence.
• They micromanage your life, controlling what you wear, your weight, finances, and even preventing you from getting medical care or seeing a therapist.
• They isolate you from friends and family, creating friction and demanding your attention.
• They gaslight you, making you question your reality and denying their hurtful actions.
• They invade your privacy, demanding to see your chats and emails, and monitoring your activities.
• They trespass on your boundaries, pressuring you to change your mind or showing up uninvited.

Understand the underlying causes:

Controlling behaviour may be a defence mechanism or a symptom of a mental health condition. Your partner may be dealing with:

• Insecurity or fear of abandonment.
• Anxiety about losing control.
• Trauma or unresolved abuse.
• Depression or personality disorders.

Set healthy boundaries:

• Use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs.
• Ask for time to process requests and make decisions.
• Show compassion but remain firm in asserting your boundaries.
• Negotiate and compromise to find solutions that respect your boundaries.
• Keep a journal to record concerning conversations and behaviours.
• Change your passwords and protect your privacy.
• Nurture relationships with trusted friends and family for support.
• Seek help from a mental health professional or couples therapy.

Prioritise your safety:

If the controlling behaviour makes you feel insecure or afraid, or if it escalates to physical or emotional abuse, take the following steps:

• Seek mental health support and consider joining support groups.
• Reach out to trusted friends or family, or seek support from a spiritual leader.
• Remove your personal belongings and move to a safe location if necessary.
• Stay in a safe place, such as a family member's home or a shelter.

Remember, you are not alone. Help is available, and it is possible to address controlling behaviour and improve your relationship.

Frequently asked questions