A Wedding Without Religion: Is It Possible?

A non-religious wedding is a valid option for couples who want to mark their commitment to each other without including a religious or supernatural element. This option is particularly popular with those who have left the religion of their childhood behind or who have no religious beliefs. A non-religious wedding can be held in a variety of venues, from beaches to hotels, and can be officiated by a judge, magistrate, or justice of the peace. Couples can also opt for a secular ceremony in a religious venue, depending on the rules of the site. Humanist weddings are a popular choice for non-religious couples, as they allow for greater personalisation and can include traditional rituals such as exchanging rings. Ultimately, the decision to have a non-religious wedding depends on the couple's beliefs and cultural traditions.

Choosing a secular wedding officiant

Know Your Options

It's important to understand the difference between a non-denominational ceremony and a civil ceremony. A non-denominational ceremony is based on Christianity but is not specific to any particular denomination, while a civil ceremony is completely non-religious and performed by someone unaffiliated with any religious organisation. Discuss with your partner and family to decide which option is best for you.

Get Recommendations

Talk to recently married couples who hired an officiant for their non-religious wedding. They can recommend specific individuals or provide advice on how to find the right person. Ask your wedding venue or event planner for suggestions as well; they often have relationships with experienced officiants who regularly perform weddings at their location.

Browse Online

If you're unsure where to start, reading reviews or checking out real weddings in your area can help you find local officiants. Getting a sense of what other couples have to say can assist in determining whether an officiant might be a good fit for you and your partner.

Meet with Potential Officiants

Schedule meetings with at least 3-5 potential officiants to find someone who aligns with your ceremony style and makes you feel comfortable. It's important that they have experience officiating weddings and are comfortable with public speaking. Be sure to meet with your chosen officiant at least once before the wedding day to ensure you are all on the same page regarding vows, readings, and the overall ceremony.

Decide Between a Professional or a Loved One

For a secular ceremony, you can choose between hiring a civil officiant or asking a friend or family member to officiate. Civil officiants have experience and can ensure a smooth ceremony, but it may be more costly and less personal. On the other hand, a friend or family member can add a more intimate touch to the ceremony and may be able to get certified to legally marry you at a low cost. However, they may have less experience and feel nervous about the responsibility.

Ask the Right Questions

When considering potential officiants, ask questions to ensure they understand the role and can meet your needs. For example, inquire about their experience, their comfort with public speaking, their typical ceremony outline, and whether they personalise each ceremony. If you choose a friend or family member, inquire about their availability, comfort level with speaking in front of your families, and their understanding of the responsibilities involved.

Selecting a non-religious venue

Types of Non-Religious Venues

When it comes to non-religious wedding venues, the options are endless. You can choose to have your wedding in a variety of locations, including:

• Outdoor spaces: beaches, parks, backyards, or gardens.
• Indoor spaces: hotels, ballrooms, museums, galleries, libraries, or community centres.
• Unique locations: wineries, breweries, historical mansions, or even on a boat.
• Government buildings: city halls, courthouses, or other licensed civil ceremony venues.

Factors to Consider

As you explore potential venues, here are some factors to keep in mind:

• Meaning and Relevance: Choose a venue that holds a special meaning for you and your partner. This could be a place that reflects your shared interests, such as a museum or a vineyard, or a location that symbolizes a significant moment in your relationship.
• Size and Accommodations: Consider the size of your guest list and choose a venue that can comfortably accommodate your group. Ensure the venue has the necessary facilities, such as adequate seating, parking, and accessibility options.
• Location and Travel: Think about the convenience and accessibility of the venue for your guests. If you have guests travelling from out of town, consider venues that are close to accommodation options or offer on-site accommodations.
• Atmosphere and Aesthetics: Select a venue that aligns with the atmosphere and theme you envision for your wedding. Whether it's a rustic barn, a modern loft, or a beautiful garden, choose a space that speaks to your style and personality.
• Availability and Booking: Research the availability of your desired venues and be mindful of peak wedding seasons, as popular venues may get booked up quickly. Discuss booking procedures, including deposits, contracts, and cancellation policies.
• Services and Amenities: Inquire about the services and amenities provided by the venue. Some venues offer all-inclusive packages, while others may require you to bring in external vendors for catering, decorations, and other services.
• Cost and Budget: Create a budget and compare the prices of different venues, considering factors such as rental fees, catering costs, and any additional services or upgrades you may require.

Dealing with Family Dynamics

If you come from a religious family, selecting a non-religious venue can be a sensitive topic. Here are some tips to navigate this situation:

• Open Communication: Have honest and respectful conversations with your family about your decision to have a non-religious wedding. Express your wishes while also showing consideration for their beliefs.
• Compromise and Inclusion: Look for opportunities to involve your family in the wedding planning process. You can incorporate meaningful traditions or rituals that reflect your family's heritage without incorporating religious elements.
• Choose a Meaningful Location: If you don't want to have your wedding in a religious institution, consider selecting a venue that holds significance for you and your partner. This can help shift the focus away from religious expectations.

Remember, your wedding day should be a celebration of your love and commitment. By selecting a non-religious venue that aligns with your values and vision, you can create a ceremony that truly reflects who you are as a couple.

Planning a secular ceremony

A secular wedding ceremony is a non-religious ceremony that gives couples the freedom to customize their ceremony. It can incorporate elements of different cultures, traditions, or religions, or it can be tailored to match the couple's personal values and beliefs.

Choose an officiant

Select a secular wedding officiant who is comfortable with humanist ceremonies. This can be a wedding planner, a friend, or a family member. If you have religious family members, consider choosing an experienced officiant who can help you create a ceremony that reflects your views while incorporating traditional elements to keep your family happy.

Select a meaningful venue

If you have religious family members, choosing a meaningful venue that is not a place of worship can help defuse tension. Pick a location that holds significance for you and your partner, so that you can share a meaningful explanation for your choice when questioned by relatives.

Personalize the ceremony

Work with your officiant to create a personalized ceremony that reflects who you are as a couple and what you find meaningful. Include elements that are important to you, such as readings, music, or traditions from your cultural backgrounds.

Consider a rehearsal dinner or post-ceremony reception

A rehearsal dinner or a post-ceremony reception can provide an opportunity to celebrate with your loved ones in a more relaxed setting.

Understand the legal requirements

Research the marriage laws and rules of your wedding destination. In most countries, a wedding license is required, and your wedding ceremony must be overseen by someone certified by the state to officiate weddings. Understand the specific requirements for the ceremony script, as these differ by area.

Plan the ceremony structure

The structure of a secular wedding ceremony typically includes:

• A processional: The wedding party and the couple walk down the aisle, often led by a wedding planner or a friend or family member.
• A welcome or opening statement: Made by the officiant or the couple, this sets the tone for the ceremony.
• Vows: Couples can exchange personalized vows expressing their love and commitment.
• Token exchange: While ring exchanges are common, feel free to swap any item of importance with your partner.
• Reading: Choose a unique unity ceremony idea, movie quote, song lyric, or anything personally meaningful to be read before sealing the marriage with a kiss.
• Recessional: The couple and wedding party walk back up the aisle, usually to a celebratory song.

Incorporating rituals and readings

There are many ways to incorporate rituals and readings into a non-religious wedding ceremony. Here are some ideas to inspire you:

Readings

Non-religious readings can be taken from any source, such as song lyrics, poems, book excerpts, movie quotes, or even children's books. If you're stuck for ideas, you could consider one of these popular choices:

• "Untitled" by R.M. Drake
• "Every Day" by David Levithan
• "Love is an Adventure" by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
• "Still Life With Woodpecker" by Tom Robbins
• "Captain Corelli's Mandolin" by Louis de Bernières
• "Union" by Robert Fulghum
• "A Farewell to Arms" by Ernest Hemingway
• "Sonnet 116" by William Shakespeare
• "The Amber Spyglass" by Philip Pullman
• "The Bridge Across Forever" by Richard Bach
• "A Walled Garden" by Anonymous
• "Love" by Sir Walter Scott
• "I Know This Much Is True" by Wally Lamb

Rituals

Humanist wedding ceremonies, for example, allow for far greater personalisation than religious ceremonies. They can include traditional rituals such as exchanging rings, as well as rituals like candle-lighting, a wine cup ritual, or a hand-fasting ritual.

If you're looking for a unique and creative ritual, why not try something like a sand ceremony or a "blessing of the hands"?

Venue

When it comes to choosing a venue, you could follow the advice of wedding planner Erica Greenwold Reisen and "choose a ceremony venue that is not a church but has a deep meaning to you and your partner". This way, if your family questions your choice, you can explain the significance of the location to you.

Officiant

It's worth noting that an experienced officiant can help you create a ceremony that reflects your views and beliefs while incorporating traditional elements to keep your family happy.

Managing family expectations

Planning a non-religious wedding when your family is religious can bring up a lot of emotions, from fear and frustration to awkwardness. Your family members may expect you to have a religious wedding ceremony because they can't picture anything else, or they may not know that your views have changed.

Have an Honest Conversation

If you think it is possible to talk to your family about your non-religious wedding plans without ruining your relationships, it is encouraged to do so. Explain your choices clearly and neutrally, without criticising your family's belief system. Try making firm statements about your decisions and how you would like them to be involved. For example, say, "This is what we're doing. Here's how we'd like you to be involved. How would you like to be involved?" rather than "We want to do this; is that okay with you?"

Choose a Meaningful Venue

If you opt for a non-religious venue, such as a beautiful theatre or a city hall, be prepared to explain your choice to your family. Choose a venue that holds a special meaning for you and your partner. This way, when a relative asks about your decision, you can share a heartfelt story about why it is important to you to be married at this location.

Select an Experienced Officiant

Hiring an experienced officiant who shares your humanist beliefs and values can help create a personalised, non-religious ceremony. They can incorporate traditional elements to keep your religious family members happy while respecting your beliefs.

Make Space for Open Interpretations

Consider including a segment in your wedding ceremony where each set of parents and grandparents can offer a short blessing. This allows for a variety of interpretations, from religious to non-religious, and can be reflective of the diverse families involved.

Compromise with Care

If you are open to compromise and want to meet some of your family's expectations regarding religious content, here are a few suggestions:

• Start with the religious elements: If you include any religious aspects, put them early in the ceremony. This way, religious family members will hear and feel the tone they are familiar with, and it will carry through the rest of the event for them.
• Choose low-key wedding readings: Opt for written or spoken pieces that mention "God" without being overtly religious. Select spiritual readings that discuss universal themes of love and commitment without being specific to a religion.
• Modify religious scripts: Look for non-religious wedding scripts and consider incorporating small snippets of religious scripts to satisfy your family's wishes. Add your favourite readings or unity ceremonies that reflect your love and personality.

Remember, your wedding day is about celebrating your commitment and should reflect who you are as a couple. While managing family expectations can be challenging, finding a balance between respecting their beliefs and staying true to your own values is crucial.

Frequently asked questions