Choosing Bridesmaids: How To Make The Right Decision

Choosing your bridesmaids can be a stressful experience. It's a day when you want your nearest and dearest with you, but it's also a day when you want to avoid drama and added complications. It's a rare occasion when you make such public declarations of friendship, and it's normal to worry about hurting people's feelings.

The key is to remember that it's your day, and you should choose people who will make you happy, who you can depend on, and who will be there for you in the future.

How to decide on a number of bridesmaids

Deciding on the number of bridesmaids can be a stressful task. Here is a step-by-step guide to help you decide:

Start Thinking Early:

Give yourself a few months to meditate on your choice. Start thinking about potential bridesmaids a month or two after your engagement. This will allow you to make a well-thought-out decision and ensure that your choice aligns with your vision for the wedding.

List Out All Meaningful People:

Create a list of all the meaningful friends and family members you might want to include in your bridal party. Consider including siblings or siblings-in-law. Remember that your bridal party should consist of your favourite people, regardless of gender. You can also add special family members, such as young cousins or nieces, as junior bridesmaids.

Assess Your Expectations:

Determine the level of involvement and responsibilities you expect from your bridesmaids. Consider whether your loved ones have the time and capacity to take on these tasks, especially if they are dealing with other commitments such as graduate studies or living far away. Have honest conversations with them about their availability and be flexible in assigning duties.

Consider Your Relationship:

Evaluate the nature of your relationship with each individual on your list. Look for qualities such as dependability, longevity, and supportiveness. Choose people who will be by your side not just on your wedding day but also in the years to come. Select bridesmaids who will bring good vibes and provide emotional support throughout the planning process and on your special day.

Be Flexible with Numbers:

Remember that the number of bridesmaids is less important than having the right people by your side. While traditional rules suggest adjusting the number of bridesmaids based on the number of guests, you can break these rules and have as many or as few bridesmaids as you like. Don't feel pressured to fill positions just to even things out with the groomsmen. Discuss any concerns about photography with your wedding photographer, and consider including other friends as part of your wedding house party or in other roles.

Propose to Your Bridesmaids:

Once you've finalised your list, it's time to pop the question to your chosen bridesmaids. You can make it extra special with bridesmaid proposal gifts or a heartfelt note. They will undoubtedly be thrilled to be a part of your special day.

Whether to include family members

Including family members in your bridal party can be a wonderful way to honour your relatives and involve them in your big day. Here are some things to consider when deciding whether to include family members as bridesmaids:

Your Relationship

Think about the nature of your relationship with each family member you're considering. Do they possess qualities such as dependability, longevity, and supportiveness? Are they people you can depend on today, tomorrow, and for years to come? If you're only close to one of your aunt's two daughters, for instance, there's no need to include the other unless you truly want to.

Reliability

Your bridesmaids should be people you can count on. If a family member is often unreliable, constantly showing up late, or failing to call you back, they may not be the best choice for a bridesmaid. Opt for those who will answer your emails, arrive early, and be prepared.

Budget

Being a bridesmaid can be expensive, and you should be mindful of each family member's financial situation. Even if you're paying for their accommodations or contributing to their dress, there may be other costs such as flights, gifts, and bachelorette parties. If you know a family member is in a tight spot financially, have an honest conversation with them before making your decision. There are also alternative ways to involve them in your wedding, such as having them serve as ushers, readers, or candle lighters.

Group Dynamics

Consider how your potential bridesmaids will get along with each other and the rest of your bridal party. While they don't all have to be best friends, you'll want to avoid any potential drama on your wedding day. Aim for a group of bridesmaids who are friendly, cordial, and can easily transition between different groups of people.

Size of the Bridal Party

Sometimes, having a smaller bridal party can make it easier to manage expectations and prevent hurt feelings. If you're torn between including just your sister or expanding the group to include ten or more bridesmaids, opting for a smaller group could save you stress. On the other hand, if you're set on having a large bridal party and there's one family member on the fringe, you might want to include them to avoid leaving them out.

Remember, there is no one-size-fits-all approach to choosing your bridesmaids. Ultimately, follow your heart and select the people you're confident you can depend on and who will bring good vibes and emotional support to your wedding day.

How to respectfully turn down a friend

Deciding on your bridesmaids can be a stressful task, and it's understandable if you're feeling the pressure to please everyone. If you're struggling to decide between friends, it may be helpful to consider the following factors:

• Reliability: Choose friends who are dependable and will be there for you throughout the wedding planning process.
• Personality: Think about how your potential bridesmaids will get along with each other and the other members of the wedding party. Aim for a group that is friendly and cordial to avoid unnecessary drama.
• Budget: Being a bridesmaid can be expensive, so consider your friends' financial situations and whether they can afford the associated costs.
• Group size: Sometimes, having a smaller group of bridesmaids can make it easier to manage expectations and avoid hurt feelings.

Remember, it's your wedding, and you should choose the people who will best support you and bring you joy on your special day. It's okay to say no to people respectfully, and there are ways to do so without damaging your friendships. Here are some tips on how to turn down a friend respectfully:

• Be honest and direct: Explain your reasons for not wanting them to be a bridesmaid, whether it's due to financial constraints, time commitments, or other obligations. A good friend will understand your situation and respect your honesty.
• Be kind and gentle: Deliver your message with softness and thoughtfulness. Remember that your friend is likely extending this invitation because they value your friendship, so let them know that you care about them and want to celebrate their special day with them, even if you can't commit to being a bridesmaid.
• Give a timely response: Don't wait until the last minute to decline the invitation. Let your friend know as soon as possible so they can make other arrangements.
• Offer alternative ways to be involved: Suggest other ways your friend can participate in the wedding, such as being a reader, usher, or candle-lighter. This shows that you still value their presence and contribution to your special day.

Here's an example of what you could say:

"I am so honoured that you asked me to be your bridesmaid. It means a lot to me that you thought of me for such a special role. I've been doing some thinking, and unfortunately, I don't think I'll be able to commit to all the responsibilities that come with being a bridesmaid. I have a lot on my plate right now, and I don't want my other obligations to detract from your celebration. I hope you understand, and I would love to support you in any other way I can. Can I take you out for drinks soon to celebrate your engagement?"

What to do if a bridesmaid can't afford it

Being a bridesmaid can be expensive. Even if the bride is paying for accommodation or chipping in for the dress, flights, gifts, and bachelorette parties can add up. If you know a bridesmaid is in a tough spot financially, it's a good idea to call them up and talk it over before making the official ask. Let them know you'd love to include them, but also suggest alternative ways for them to be involved if joining the wedding party might be too expensive. Close friends can give toasts at the rehearsal dinner, act as ushers, or hand out programs.

If you're a bridesmaid and you're worried about costs, be honest with the bride about your financial situation. Guilt-tripping yourself into going into debt is not a good idea. Ask yourself: if you knew that no feelings would be hurt if you didn't go to the wedding, would you still be booking that flight? If this were the other way round – it was your wedding and your friend couldn’t afford to be a bridesmaid – what would you want her to do?

If you're the bride, you should ask your bridesmaids about their budgets before picking out a dress. It's unfair to complain about a bridesmaid not being able to afford something if you didn't ask about their budget beforehand. If a bridesmaid is unable to afford the dress, you could offer to pay for it, or suggest a cheaper alternative.

Remember, being a bridesmaid is not mandatory, and it's okay to decline if you can't afford it.

How to choose a maid of honour

Choosing a maid of honour can be a difficult task, especially if you have a lot of close friends and family members. Here are some tips to help you select your maid of honour:

Start thinking early

Give yourself a few months to meditate on your choice. Start thinking about potential bridesmaids and maids of honour a month or two after your engagement. This will allow you to make a thoughtful decision and avoid any last-minute stress.

List out all the meaningful people

Make a list of all the meaningful friends and family members you might want to include in your bridal party. Consider a range of people, from childhood pals to adult friends and siblings. This will help you visualise who knows who and where your relationships are the strongest.

Set your expectations

Determine the level of involvement and responsibility you expect from your maid of honour. If you plan to lean heavily on your maid of honour for planning advice and wedding tasks, choose someone who is reliable, organised, and has the time and energy to take on these duties.

Select your honour attendant

Choose someone who stands out as a clear choice for maid of honour. If you are struggling between two people, you can always select both and divide the duties equally, playing to their strengths and interests.

Look at your relationships

Consider the nature of your relationships with each individual on your list. Look for people who exhibit qualities such as dependability, longevity, and supportiveness. Ask yourself if this person genuinely lifts you up and will be there for you during the wedding planning process and beyond.

Remember, it's important to choose someone who will make your wedding—and every day leading up to it—more special by bringing good vibes and providing emotional support.

Frequently asked questions