Inviting Parents To Your Wedding: Is It A Good Idea?

Wedding invitation etiquette is a complex affair, with many traditions and expectations to consider. One such consideration is whether to invite your parents, and if so, how to include them in the invitations. Traditionally, the bride's parents are the hosts of the wedding and are named at the top of the invitation, even for formal affairs. However, modern variations include both sets of parents as hosts, especially if both are contributing financially. If the couple is hosting and paying for the wedding themselves, it is appropriate to list them as the hosts. In collaborative situations, where the couple and both sets of parents contribute, everyone can be listed as a host.

How to word the invitation

The wording of your wedding invitation will depend on who is hosting and paying for the wedding. Here are some examples of how to word the invitation, depending on the circumstances:

Both sets of parents are hosting and paying:

> Kenzie M. Smith and Jennifer L. Smith, Mark Franklin and Mary Elizabeth Reyes request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their children Olivia Rose and John Michael on Saturday, the seventeenth of August, two thousand twenty-four, at half after four in the afternoon at [venue name and address]. Reception to follow.

One set of parents is hosting and paying:

> Mr. and Mrs. John Smith request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their son Jack Alexander to Mason Jacob Kim on Saturday, the seventeenth of August, two thousand twenty-four, at half after four at [venue name and address]. Reception to follow.

The couple is hosting and paying:

> The honour of your presence is requested at the marriage of Jack Alexander Smith to Mason Jacob Kim on Saturday, the seventeenth of August, two thousand twenty-four, at half after four at [venue name and address]. Reception to follow.

The couple and both sets of parents are hosting and paying:

> Together with their families, Olivia Rose Smith and John Michael Reyes, along with their parents Kenzie M. Smith and Jennifer L. Smith, and Mark Franklin and Mary Elizabeth Reyes, request the honour of your presence at their wedding on Saturday, the seventeenth of August, two thousand twenty-four, at half after four in the afternoon at [venue name and address]. Reception to follow.

One set of parents is paying, but the couple wants to name the other set on the invitation:

> Mr. and Mrs. John Smith request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their son Jack Alexander to Mason Jacob Kim on Saturday, the seventeenth of August, two thousand twenty-four, at half after four at [venue name and address]. Mr. and Mrs. Robert Martin will also be in attendance. Reception to follow.

The couple is hosting, but both sets of parents are contributing:

> Together with their families, Jack Alexander Smith and Mason Jacob Kim request the honour of your presence at their wedding on Saturday, the seventeenth of August, two thousand twenty-four, at half after four in the afternoon at [venue name and address]. Reception to follow.

The couple is hosting and paying without contribution from parents:

> Mr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Doe request the honour of your presence at their wedding on Saturday, the seventeenth of August, two thousand twenty-four, at half after four at [venue name and address]. Reception to follow.

Who pays, who hosts

Traditionally, the bride's family pays for the wedding, but this custom is rapidly changing. Nowadays, there are many ways to divide up the costs. Many couples pay for their wedding themselves, some families split things up more equally, and sometimes one family contributes more than another.

According to The Knot Real Weddings Study, the average age of marriage in 2022 was 31 years. Because people are getting married later in life, they're more financially equipped to take on more (or all) of the wedding costs themselves. Plus, given the importance now placed on the overall experience, more couples are willing to splurge on upgrades and extras to make their dream wedding a reality.

If you are a heterosexual couple, the bride's family generally pays for the wedding venue and vendors, and most products and services related to the day. This includes the engagement party, the wedding ceremony, the bride's attire and accessories, flowers, stationery, and the day-after brunch. The groom's family, meanwhile, pays for the rehearsal dinner, the honeymoon, and the alcohol for the reception. The couple themselves pays for the wedding bands.

However, these days, the couple is usually taking on the honeymoon expenses themselves (or setting up a honeymoon registry so guests can contribute).

If you are an LGBTQIA+ couple, paying for the wedding won't be divided along gender lines, so couples and their families need to devise their own budget plan.

If your parents are paying for your wedding, it can be hard to balance your wedding day wants with theirs. It's important to understand their expectations and set boundaries. It's helpful to ask them what dreams they have for your wedding, what roles they anticipate playing, and who they think belongs on the guest list. You can also ask them how much they can contribute, when and how the money will get to you, and if there's anything specific they want to pay for.

If your parents are contributing financially, they may want to invite some of their friends to the wedding. One way to help your parents feel involved and included is to allow them to invite a few friends. If they have a few friends in attendance, they may be more willing to compromise on other decisions. However, it's important to understand their expectations and set boundaries. By setting a firm limit on the number of guests that your parents can invite, you can hopefully keep them from adding an endless number of guests to your invite list.

How many guests

Deciding on the number of guests to invite to your wedding is a big decision. The number of guests you invite will depend on several factors, including your budget, the size of your families and friend groups, your culture and religion, and your vision for your big day.

On average, a guest list of 75 to 150 people is considered "average". However, this number can vary depending on factors such as the size of your families, whether you are allowing plus-ones or children, and your budget. A small or intimate wedding typically has fewer than 75 guests, while a large wedding has over 150 guests.

When creating your guest list, it's important to consider the practical aspects, such as your budget and the venue size. Typically, 50% of your wedding budget will go towards the venue, catering, alcohol, and rental costs. With a larger guest list, these costs will be higher.

If your parents are contributing financially to your wedding, it is common to give them more leeway in terms of the number of guests they can invite. A fair way to accommodate their requests is to give each parent a certain number of invites. This way, they will be happy to have some of their closest friends or family members present, and you will still have control over the guest list.

Another factor to consider is the average wedding attendance rate. According to experts, about 20% of invited guests will decline the invitation. Therefore, you may want to invite about 10% more guests than your target number, knowing that some will not be able to attend.

To make the decision easier, you can create multiple guest lists. Start by making a "must-invite" list, which includes people who are closest to you and your partner. Then, create a "B-list" of people who you would like to invite but could celebrate without. This will help you determine a realistic number of additional guests.

In summary, the number of guests you invite to your wedding will depend on your budget, venue size, and personal preferences. By considering all these factors and creating multiple guest lists, you can arrive at a number that works best for you and your partner.

What to include on the invitation

When it comes to wedding invitations, there are some basic elements that should be included no matter the style or tone. Here is what to include on the invitation:

The Host Line

The opening line on a wedding invitation names the hosts of the event. If multiple parties are hosting, you only need to include names if you're going for a formal feel. If you're hosting the wedding yourselves, this line can be omitted. Traditionally, the bride's parents are the hosts, but nowadays, it is common to see both sets of parents hosting or even the couple hosting themselves.

The Request to Attend

The request to attend lets guests know exactly what they're being invited to. There are many ways to phrase this, from formal to casual, such as "the pleasure of your company" or "join us as we celebrate".

The Couple's Names

The names of the couple are usually displayed in larger text and sometimes in a fancy typeface. For same-sex couples, the traditional rule of "woman first, man second" doesn't apply; alphabetical order or what sounds better are good options.

The Date and Time

Traditional wedding invitation wording requires the date and time to be spelled out in full, while numerical figures are often used on modern invites. Be sure to choose a legible font to avoid confusion.

The Location

Write the name and full street address of your wedding venue, including the state and zip code. If your wedding is taking place abroad, include the country as well. If the ceremony and reception are at the same venue, just say "reception to follow". If the reception is elsewhere, include the full address on a separate details card tucked in with the main invitation.

Optional Details

Dress Code

Including dress code information isn't compulsory, but it can be helpful for your guests. Mention the dress code in the lower corner or bottom centre of the invite, or use a details card or your wedding website.

Insert Cards

There are certain pieces of information that don't belong on a wedding invitation, such as registry details. Instead, provide guests with a link to your wedding website on a separate insert card. You can also use an insert card for anything that doesn't fit on the invitation, such as additional venue details or backup venue information.

RSVP and B-list invites

Creating a guest list is one of the most difficult aspects of wedding planning. This is where a B-list comes in. A B-list is a way to ensure as many of your loved ones attend as possible. Your A-list will include your immediate family and close friends (those you can't imagine not being there). Conversely, your B-list will include those you'd love to invite but may not be able to accommodate due to a limited budget or venue space.

• Make B-list decisions early: If you think you might need an A-list and a B-list, decide this as soon as possible. This will give you time to decide who is on each list and figure out arrangements for invitations and RSVP deadlines.
• Organise intentionally: Your B-list should be organised in order of priority. Those who feel really important but didn't quite make the A-list cut should be at the top, and those who would be nice to include but are not necessary should be towards the bottom.
• Make a separate list for family and close friends: To avoid having friends compare their invites and realise they may have been on the B-list, place 'groups' on the same list, whether A or B.
• Send invitations early: Send your A-list invitations around 10-12 weeks in advance, and your B-list invitations around eight weeks in advance. This gives your B-list guests enough time to check their calendars and send their RSVP.
• Have two sets of RSVP cards: Print two sets of RSVP cards with different deadlines. The first set, going out with the A-list invitations, should have an RSVP deadline of around eight weeks before the wedding. The second set, going out with the B-list invitations, should have an RSVP deadline of around three to four weeks before the wedding.
• Mail the B-list invites at once: Choose a deadline date for adding B-list guests to your 'invited' list, and mail all the B-list invitations on the same day. This will help you keep track of who you've added and ensure that invitations arrive in a timely manner.

Parents at Your Wedding

If your parents are contributing financially to your wedding, it's important to understand their expectations. Are there any strings attached to their financial contribution? Will they expect to have control over certain decisions, such as the guest list? It's best to have candid conversations with your parents about their expectations and set boundaries if needed.

One way to involve your parents and make them feel included is to allow them to invite a few of their friends to the wedding. However, it's important to set a firm limit on the number of guests they can invite, especially if your venue has limited space. You can also provide them with guidelines to help make cuts to their list, such as only inviting people you or your partner have spoken to in the last year, or those who are a part of your future.

Frequently asked questions