Gentiles At Jewish Weddings: Are They Welcome?

Jewish weddings are steeped in tradition and ritual, and understanding these customs is essential for guests to fully appreciate the ceremony and celebrations. One question that often arises is whether non-Jewish individuals, or Gentiles, are welcome to attend Jewish weddings. The answer to this query may vary depending on the religious denomination and personal preferences of the couple and their families.

Orthodox Jews may not invite non-Jews to their weddings

The Talmud and later classical sources of Jewish law make clear that the institution of Jewish marriage, or "kiddushin", can only be effected between Jews. All branches of Orthodox Judaism follow this historic attitude towards intermarriage and refuse to accept that intermarriages are valid or legitimate.

Some sources suggest that there is no prohibition on inviting non-Jews to an Orthodox wedding, but it is uncommon because Orthodox Jews tend to be fairly cloistered and, therefore, most of their friends are other Jews. However, others disagree, stating that there is no such prohibition and that non-Jews at Orthodox weddings are not particularly rare.

It is worth noting that, while Orthodox Jews may not invite non-Jews to their weddings, other branches of Judaism, such as Reform and Reconstructionist Judaism, do not prohibit interfaith marriages and are more accepting of interfaith relationships.

Interfaith marriage in Judaism is controversial

The Talmud and the resulting Jewish law, Halakha, state that marriage between a Jew and a gentile is prohibited and does not constitute a marriage under Jewish law. For a marriage to be legal, the non-Jewish partner would need to convert to Judaism.

However, interfaith marriage has become more common, especially in recent years. A 2020 survey by the Pew Research Center found that 42% of married Jewish respondents in the United States have a non-Jewish spouse. Among those married since 2010, this figure rises to 61%, and when Orthodox Jews are excluded, the percentage increases to 72%.

The controversy surrounding interfaith marriage in Judaism is multifaceted. On the one hand, some Jews view it as a threat to the survival of Judaism as a religion and a culture. They argue that intermarried couples are less likely to raise their children with Jewish traditions and beliefs, leading to a potential decline in the number of Jews and a weakening of Jewish identity.

On the other hand, more liberal Jews embrace interfaith marriage as a positive development in a multicultural society. They argue that intermarriage can contribute to the continuity of the Jewish people by encouraging more individuals to identify with the Jewish community and promoting a more inclusive and welcoming attitude.

The different branches of Judaism also have varying views on interfaith marriage. All branches of Orthodox Judaism strictly forbid it and refuse to recognise its validity or legitimacy. Secular intermarriage is seen as a deliberate rejection of Judaism, and individuals who marry outside the faith are often ostracised from the Orthodox community.

In contrast, the Conservative Movement in Judaism does not sanction interfaith marriage but encourages the acceptance of the non-Jewish spouse within the family, with the hope that this will lead to their conversion to Judaism. The more liberal movements, such as Reform and Reconstructionist Judaism, do not generally regard Jewish law as intrinsically binding and do not have a firm prohibition against interfaith marriage.

The controversy surrounding interfaith marriage in Judaism is further illustrated by the reactions to the 1990 National Jewish Population Survey, which revealed that 52% of American Jews were intermarried. While some Jewish leaders and scholars described this as a "second Holocaust" and a threat to the survival of Judaism, others have argued that intermarriage has contributed to the growth of the Jewish population and can enrich Jewish culture and society.

The dress code for a Jewish wedding can be influenced by location and time of day

The dress code for a Jewish wedding is influenced by various factors, including location and time of day.

Location

The location of a Jewish wedding can vary, from a synagogue to a beach or backyard. The setting will play a role in determining the appropriate attire for guests. For instance, a wedding held in a synagogue may require more modest clothing, with women typically advised to cover their shoulders, knees, and cleavage. In contrast, a beach wedding might suggest a more relaxed dress code.

Time of Day

The time of day can also impact the dress code. Jewish weddings typically take place later in the day, with the reception often in the form of a dinner dance. This timing lends itself to evening wear, with men usually wearing suits and ties, and women donning formal dresses or party gowns.

Other Considerations

It's worth noting that Jewish weddings involve a lot of dancing, so comfortable shoes are recommended. Additionally, certain colours and styles should be avoided, such as white, which could upstage the bride. Guests are also expected to wear head coverings, with men donning kippahs (skullcaps) and women having the option to wear lace head coverings, especially in Orthodox Jewish weddings.

The ketubah, or Jewish marriage document, is signed before the ceremony

The ketubah, or Jewish marriage document, is signed before the wedding ceremony in a separate, more intimate event. The ketubah outlines the terms of the marriage, including the duties and obligations of the husband and wife, and a settlement the husband owes to the wife in the case of divorce. It is a longstanding tradition, having been a part of Jewish weddings for more than 2,000 years.

The ketubah ceremony usually takes place half an hour to an hour before the wedding, in a private room where the couple gathers before the ceremony. Orthodox couples may choose to conduct the ceremony during the husband's Tisch, which takes place right before the wedding. The ketubah ceremony can also be held the day before the wedding.

For a ketubah ceremony to take place, the groom, a rabbi, and two witnesses are necessary. Secular couples may also include the bride in the ceremony, as well as close family and friends. The witnesses are the most important participants, as it is their job to ensure the ketubah is filled out correctly and their signatures are required for the document's validity.

During the ketubah ceremony, the rabbi fills out the document with the date, location, and names of the couple and their parents. The rabbi or a witness then takes the place of the bride and hands a handkerchief or garment to the groom, who accepts it to complete the ritual. Once the ritual is completed, the witnesses sign the document. According to Jewish law, only the witnesses are required to sign the ketubah during the ceremony, but couples may choose to sign it as well to signify their commitment to each other.

The ketubah does not go into effect until after specific blessings are recited at the wedding ceremony and the couple unites under one roof or spends time alone together.

The wedding ceremony ends with the breaking of a glass

The breaking of the glass symbolises the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem, a major tragedy for the Jewish community. It serves as a reminder of the fragility of life, the importance of cherishing every moment, and the reality of life's difficulties. The fragility of glass suggests the frailty of human relationships. The loud noise created by the breaking of the glass is also thought to frighten away demons.

The breaking of the glass also symbolises the end of the couple's carefree days as single individuals and the beginning of their new life as a married couple. It is a reminder that their lives will be forever changed and that they will face new challenges and responsibilities.

The breaking of the glass is also a practical signal to guests that the ceremony has ended and the celebration can begin. Immediately after the glass is broken, the crowd shouts "Mazel Tov!", which means "Good luck!" in Hebrew.

Frequently asked questions