A White Man's Traditional Pakistani Wedding: Is It Possible?

A traditional Pakistani wedding is a vibrant and joyous occasion, steeped in cultural and religious traditions. It is not only seen as a union between a husband and wife but also an alliance between their respective families. While the specific customs and rituals may vary based on regional and religious differences, there are some common elements that are typically part of a traditional Pakistani wedding. The wedding ceremonies usually take place in a mosque or a large hall, with the couple's families and friends in attendance. In terms of attire, it is generally advised to avoid wearing revealing clothes and to opt for modest and colourful outfits. Now, when it comes to the question of whether a white man can have a traditional Pakistani wedding, the answer is yes. While it may be uncommon and face some cultural and familial challenges, there are instances of interracial marriages between Pakistani women and white men, where they incorporate Pakistani wedding traditions into their celebration.

Clothing and colours

For a traditional Pakistani wedding, the bride and groom will often wear different outfits for the various ceremonies that make up the multi-day celebration.

Bride's Clothing and Colours

For the Nikkah, Barat, and Walima ceremonies, brides will often wear a Lehenga, Lehenga Choli, Lehenga Saree, Salwar Kameez, or Gown. These outfits are often red, symbolising love and happiness, or in pastel shades. For the Mehndi ceremony, brides usually opt for a yellow outfit.

Groom's Clothing and Colours

Grooms can wear a Salwar Kameez, Sherwani, Kurta, or Waistcoat with pyjamas. These outfits are often in shades of gold, beige, cream, or white.

Guest's Clothing and Colours

Guests should avoid wearing white, as this is the colour of funerals, and red, as it is the bridal colour. Guests should also dress modestly, avoiding outfits that show too much skin. Female guests may need to cover their hair with a hijab or scarf, especially if the ceremony is in a mosque.

The ceremony

A traditional Pakistani wedding consists of two main events: the Nikah and the Walima.

The Nikah is the formal marriage ceremony, where a marriage contract, or Nikahnama, is signed by both the bride and groom in the presence of close family members. The ceremony is typically performed by a religious scholar, such as an Imam, at a mosque. The bride and groom must have two witnesses present to ensure the marriage is consensual. The Walima is the formal reception hosted by the newly married couple, publicly announcing their marriage. It is a huge celebration with many relatives and invited guests from both families in attendance. Traditionally, the Walima was hosted at home, but nowadays they are often held in marriage halls, restaurants, or hotels.

The wedding customs and celebrations vary depending on ethnicity and religion. Baloch weddings, for example, are known to be lavish and short, usually lasting only one or two days. Pashtun weddings adhere to the customs and values of Pashtunwali. In the past, marriages were mainly based on tribal affiliations.

The Rasm-e-Heena is a ceremony named after henna, a dye prepared from the Lawsonia inermis plant, which is mixed into a paste and applied to the hands of the bride and groom. This event is usually held a few days before the main wedding ceremony and was traditionally held separately for the bride and groom. However, nowadays, the ceremony is often combined and held at a marriage hall. For the Rasm-e-Heena, the groom typically wears a casual black or white shalwar qameez, sherwani, or western suit, while the bride wears an embroidered brightly coloured shalwar kameez, sari, or lehenga. The dress may or may not be accompanied by jewellery, depending on the region and ethnic background.

The Dastar Bandi is a ceremony where a turban is placed on the groom's head, marking the start of his manhood. Elders of the groom's family place the turban on his head and formally include him in the 'circle of men'. This ceremony is commonly performed in Khyber Pakhtunkhwa, Punjab, and northern Balochistan.

The Manghni/Manghno/Pothi is a pre-wedding ritual performed about a month or more before the wedding. The groom's family arrives at the bride's house with a long veil, bodice, pantaloons, and sometimes a lehenga, as well as jewellery such as a necklace, rings, and a nose jewel. The bride's house is decorated, and the family is divided into male and female parties. The bride is dressed in the clothes and ornaments and seated in a prominent part of the room. The groom's mother puts a large embroidered veil on the bride, and the engagement ring is placed on her finger by the groom's mother or sister. Seven married women then apply oil to the bride's hair and make braids, as well as applying henna to her hands, while feeding her sweets. The women sing traditional folk songs, and the bride's mother sends the barber's wife to the men's assembly with a large pot of milk. The barber's wife presents the milk to the males, who drink it while offering congratulations. Sweets, dried dates, and biscuits are served to both sides of the family. The men then dance with joy to the sound of the dhol and sharnai. After much celebration, the males raise their hands and recite the Fatihah. The bride's father is then asked to appoint a time for the marriage. He names the month and day, and the families depart.

The Wanahu/Wanhwa Wiharanu is a ceremony performed about a month before the wedding. The groom's family comes to the bride's house with items such as sweetmeats, clarified butter, fruits, dry fruits, perfumed oil, henna, and an embroidered cloth used as a veil. The bride is made to sit in a corner of the room with the cloth over her face until the night of the marriage. During this time, rituals such as applying oil to the bride's hair and removing body hair are performed by married women, who also sing traditional folk songs. The bride is fed special bread, sweetmeats, and clarified butter sent by the groom's family.

The Bukki is a ceremony performed after the Wanahu, in which a thread is tied to a large earthen pot, and dried dates are crushed into it while ladies sing folk songs. The groom's uncle then ties a traditional headdress onto his face, and he is laid on a traditional wooden bed. His sisters, mother, and other relatives apply henna to his hands and feet. The groom's family then comes to the bride's house and performs the Bukki rituals, presenting her with her wedding dress, jewellery, and other items.

The Parr diyanu is a ritual in which the groom's family goes to a saint's grave and offers a sheet with Quranic verses written on it, as well as fresh rose petals, sweets, dried dates, or biscuits.

The Wihan or Shadi (marriage ceremony) is usually performed at night. The groom leaves his house for the bride's house with his family, relatives, and friends, sitting on horseback, camelback, or in a decorated car, with music playing. Once he reaches the bride's house, fireworks, dancing, and music greet him. The men are welcomed in a separate section, and the women go to the women's section, where they greet the bride and sing folk songs. In the men's section, the bridegroom is seated with a large gathering of relatives, a Mullan (priest), and other necessary people for the performance of the Nikkah. The priest, seated between the bridegroom and the bride's father, performs the Nikkah rites. Witnesses are sent to the bride's room for her approval, usually her father and brothers. The Haq-Mahr (settlement) given by the bridegroom is made according to Islamic law. Once the Nikkah is performed, everyone congratulates the bridegroom and his father, offering hugs and putting money garlands on them. Now the couple is officially married according to Islamic law.

After the Nikkah, the groom enters the bride's house with his mother, sisters, and other female relatives. The bride's sisters and cousins get the bride and make her sit opposite the groom, with a large bolster placed between them. The <

The reception

At the reception, the food will be halal and Pakistani. It is customary for a bride and groom to receive wedding presents, often in the form of cash or gifts placed in envelopes. It is also customary for friends and family of the couple to invite guests over for dinner and lunch after the wedding to formally accept them as a married couple.

For a Pakistani wedding, men should wear a traditional western suit. Women should wear modest and colourful clothing. Revealing clothing is not appropriate, especially at an Islamic wedding.

Family consent

In traditional Pakistani culture, the first step in the marriage process is for a family member, close friend, or third-party individual to help bring the potential bride and groom together. In arranged marriages, the couple typically has never met before, and their initial interactions are limited to small talk. This form of marriage is considered traditional but is losing popularity among newer generations.

Semi-arranged marriages, on the other hand, involve a period of interaction and "meet and greet" opportunities between the potential bride and groom before marriage. This process can span a few months to a few years and may or may not lead to marriage. If both parties agree to marry, the potential groom's family sends a formal proposal to the bride's family.

Once the proposal is accepted, a celebration called a "proposal party" is held at the bride's home, where the groom's family formally asks for the bride's hand in marriage. This is followed by an engagement ceremony, typically a small event with close family members from both sides exchanging rings and other jewellery.

The importance of family consent in Pakistani weddings cannot be overstated. It is seen as a way to honour and respect the families involved and seek their blessing for the union. While love marriages do occur, they often face resistance and are considered a challenge to traditional mindsets. Ultimately, the decision to marry rests with the couple, but family consent plays a crucial role in gaining societal acceptance and ensuring a harmonious union between the two families.

Traditions and rituals

Pakistani weddings are vibrant, colourful, and culturally rich celebrations that involve a series of customs, traditions, and rituals. Each region and community may have its unique variations, but there are some common rituals that are often followed.

Pre-Wedding Rituals

The engagement ceremony marks the formal announcement and agreement of the couple’s union. The families exchange rings and gifts as a symbol of their acceptance and commitment to the marriage.

The Mehndi ceremony is a joyful event where intricate henna designs are applied to the bride and female guests' hands and feet. It includes music, dancing, and singing performances, often accompanied by traditional dholki drums. Mehndi signifies good luck, love, and beauty. The groom's name is sometimes hidden within the intricate henna patterns.

The Dholki is a musical gathering held a few days before the wedding. The bride’s family and friends gather to sing traditional wedding songs, accompanied by the beats of a dholki (a hand-drum). It is a lively and interactive event with everyone participating in singing and dancing.

Wedding Day Rituals

The Nikah or Islamic marriage contract ceremony is the most important part of a Pakistani wedding. It is conducted by an Islamic religious authority or a Qazi. The couple, along with their families and witnesses, gather to recite religious verses, exchange vows, and sign the marriage contract. The Nikah establishes the legal and spiritual bond between the couple.

Before the couple sees each other at the Nikah, a Mehr (symbolic presentation of gifts or money) is given to the bride by the groom. During the Nikah, the couple might perform the Munh Dikhai, where they look at each other in a mirror while wearing an embroidered shawl over their heads. After this, they help each other taste honey as a symbol of their marriage's sweetness.

The Baraat is the groom’s procession, where he arrives at the wedding venue with his family and friends. The groom is traditionally seated on a decorated horse or in a luxury car, accompanied by music, dancing, and fireworks. His guests will then dance in front of him during this procession.

Post-Wedding Rituals

The Rukhsati is an emotional moment when the bride bids farewell to her family and leaves with her husband to start a new life. The bride’s family blesses her and showers her with petals as she steps into the car or palanquin that will take her to the groom’s home.

The Walima or Valima is a reception hosted by the groom’s family, usually a day or a few days after the wedding. It is a formal event where family members, friends, and acquaintances come together to celebrate the couple’s marriage with a lavish feast.

The Chauthi is a ritual that takes place on the fourth day after the wedding. It involves the bride returning to her parental home to visit her family, accompanied by her husband. This visit allows the bride to reconnect with her relatives and celebrate the beginning of her new life.

The Valima is the groom’s family’s reception, similar to the Walima, but hosted by the bride’s side. It is an occasion to introduce the couple as a married pair to the bride’s family and community.

Frequently asked questions