Love After The Wedding: What's Next?

Many people wonder what happens to love after marriage. While there are many answers in different books, research and online articles, some believe that the fundamental truth lies in communication and the love language that each of us speaks. For example, a man on a plane recounted his three failed marriages to a marriage counsellor, asking her what happens to love after the wedding. In all of his marriages, he had good times with his wife while dating, but the magic of love seemed to disappear with marriage.

Love languages

The 5 Love Languages are:

• Words of Affirmation: Verbally affirming to your partner how much you love and care for them. This includes receiving and giving compliments, graciously. It also involves offering words of encouragement and appreciation.
• Quality Time: Spending quality time with your partner, where you are mentally present and affectionate. This means giving your partner your undivided attention, actively listening, and refraining from distractions such as phone use.
• Physical Touch: Expressing physical affection, such as hugs, hand-holding, kissing, and other acts of intimacy. People with this love language feel most loved when physically interacting with their partner.
• Acts of Service: Doing nice things for your partner that make them feel loved and appreciated. This could include helping with household tasks or running errands. People with this love language tend to perform acts of service and kindness for others as well.
• Receiving Gifts: Giving thoughtful gifts to your partner to show appreciation. It's not necessarily about the gift's expense or size, but rather the effort and thoughtfulness behind it.

Learning your partner's love language and letting them know yours can strengthen your relationship and ensure that both of your emotional needs are met. It's important to note that love languages can change over time, and couples may need to adapt to these changes. Additionally, love languages should not be used as a means of control or manipulation in a relationship.

By understanding and speaking your partner's love language, you can create a deeper, more meaningful, and fulfilling relationship.

Love after marriage requires newness

One way to keep the spark alive is to embrace new experiences together. The thrill of doing something new can put the spark back in your relationship. Whether it's jet-skiing, trying a new restaurant, or exploring a new neighbourhood, doing new things together can help bring back those initial feelings of excitement.

Another way to keep love alive is to ensure you are both still individuals. Pursuing your own interests and hobbies gives you something new to talk about and adds energy to your relationship. It's also important to maintain a sense of mystery and differentiation. Having separate interests can be sexy, and prevent you from becoming overly enmeshed in each other's lives.

Additionally, it's important to keep up appearances and not let yourself go. While this may seem superficial, making an effort with your appearance and keeping yourself in shape will boost your self-confidence and show your partner you care about yourself.

Communication is also key. It's important to be curious about your partner and ask them questions, actively listen to their responses, and get to know them on a deeper level. Open and honest communication can help you understand each other's needs and desires, and ensure you both feel loved and appreciated.

Finally, it's crucial to make time for each other. Scheduling one-on-one time, going on dates, and prioritising each other will help maintain your romantic connection. Putting your spouse first, even before your children, can be beneficial for the whole family.

Address your partner's needs

Addressing your partner's needs is a crucial aspect of maintaining a loving relationship after the wedding. Here are some ways to effectively address your partner's needs:

Understand Emotional Needs

Emotional needs are cravings that bring happiness and contentment when satisfied and leave us feeling unhappy and frustrated when unmet. These include needs for affection, conversation, honesty, and family commitment. Recognise that your partner's emotional needs are unique to them and may differ from your own. Understanding their specific needs is the first step towards addressing them effectively.

Communicate and Compromise

Open and direct communication is essential. Express your needs clearly and be willing to listen to your partner's needs as well. Sometimes, your needs may conflict, and that's okay! Be prepared to negotiate and find compromises that work for both of you. For example, if one partner needs more frequent check-ins and communication, while the other values independence, find a balance by setting clear expectations and boundaries.

Show Acts of Kindness

Small acts of kindness can go a long way in making your partner feel valued and appreciated. Consider what your partner wants and values. It could be a home-cooked meal, a thoughtful gift, or an offer to fix something around the house. By showing that you are attentive to their wants and needs, you strengthen your relationship and create a sense of mutual care and support.

Learn Each Other's Love Languages

According to Gary Chapman's book, "The Five Love Languages," people express and receive love in different ways, which he categorises as five primary love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Understanding your partner's love language and speaking it fluently can help you better address their needs and strengthen your connection.

Seek Professional Help if Needed

If you're struggling to address your partner's needs or facing persistent challenges, consider seeking professional help. Couples therapy or marriage counselling can provide valuable guidance and tools to improve your communication and conflict resolution skills, enhancing your ability to meet each other's needs effectively.

Remember, addressing your partner's needs is an ongoing process that requires flexibility, compromise, and a genuine desire to support and care for each other. By prioritising each other's needs, you can create a loving and fulfilling marriage that stands the test of time.

Practice forgiveness and acceptance

Forgiveness is a cornerstone of a successful marriage. It is a conscious decision to release feelings of resentment and move on from the hurt. It is not easy, but it is essential for the long haul.

Holding onto grudges can negatively impact your health and your relationship. Research shows that forgiveness can reduce the risk of heart attack, lower cholesterol levels, improve sleep, reduce pain, lower blood pressure, and decrease levels of anxiety, depression, and stress.

How to forgive your partner

Forgiveness is a process that takes time and effort. Here are some steps to help you forgive your partner:

• Make a conscious decision to forgive: Acknowledge that you are hurt and decide to let go of the past and focus on the present.
• Be open and receptive to forgiveness: Share your feelings with your partner and be willing to listen to their perspective.
• Refrain from throwing past mistakes back at your partner: Avoid using past hurts as ammunition in arguments.
• Accept that you might never know the reason for the hurtful behaviour: You may never get a satisfactory explanation, and that's okay.
• Refrain from seeking revenge: Trying to get even will only extend the pain and hurt your relationship further.
• Remember that forgiveness does not mean condoning hurtful behaviour: You can forgive without excusing or justifying your partner's actions.
• Be patient with yourself: Forgiveness takes time, so don't rush the process. Seek professional help if you are struggling to forgive.

How to ask for forgiveness

If you are the one seeking forgiveness, here are some steps to help you repair the relationship:

• Show true contrition and remorse: Express genuine regret for the pain you have caused.
• Make a commitment to change: Assure your partner that you will not repeat the hurtful behaviour.
• Accept the consequences of your actions: Take responsibility for the impact of your actions and be willing to make amends.
• Be open to making amends: Work with your partner to find ways to rebuild trust and strengthen the relationship.
• Make a heartfelt and verbal apology: Express your apology sincerely and verbally, and include a plan of action to make things right.
• Be patient with your partner: Give them time and space to process their feelings and heal.

The role of communication

Effective communication is key to practicing forgiveness and acceptance in your marriage. Share your feelings with each other and be open to listening to each other's perspectives. Seek professional help, such as couples therapy, if you are struggling to communicate effectively.

The five love languages

Understanding each other's love languages can also enhance forgiveness and acceptance in your marriage. According to Gary Chapman's book, "The Five Love Languages", there are five ways that people express and receive love:

• Words of Affirmation: Using words to affirm your love and appreciation for your partner.
• Quality Time: Spending dedicated time together and giving your partner your undivided attention.
• Receiving Gifts: Giving thoughtful gifts as a way to show your love and care.
• Acts of Service: Doing thoughtful deeds for your partner to ease their burden or make them feel special.
• Physical Touch: Expressing love through physical touch, such as hugs, kisses, or holding hands.

By understanding your partner's primary love language, you can better express your love and strengthen your connection, even during difficult times.

Forgiveness and acceptance are crucial for maintaining a loving and healthy marriage. By practicing these skills and seeking to understand each other, you can overcome challenges and create a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.

Become a good listener

In Gary Chapman's book, *The Five Love Languages*, he identifies five ways in which we show and receive love. He explains that each person has a primary love language, and that to keep love alive, we must be willing to learn our spouse's primary love language.

One way to do this is by becoming a good listener. Here are some tips on how to become a better listener in your relationship:

Pay Attention to Body Language

Note how your partner is sitting and what their body language is saying. This can help you better understand their feelings. Ensure your own body language conveys that you are listening to your partner and that you care about what they are saying. Face your partner, make eye contact, and lean forward to show that you are actively listening.

Listen to Learn, Not to Reply

Focus on listening to your partner to learn about them and their perspective, rather than looking for opportunities to counter their argument. Avoid the temptation to construct a counterargument in your head while they are speaking. Instead, listen with genuine curiosity and a desire to understand.

Focus on the Speaker

Give your partner your undivided attention by removing distractions such as your phone, TV, or computer. Make an effort to show your partner that you are devoting all your attention to listening to them.

Paraphrase to Acknowledge Your Partner's Feelings

Paraphrasing is a useful tool to reassure your partner that you are listening and hearing them. It also helps to ensure that you are accurately understanding their feelings and intentions, which can prevent future conflicts.

Listen Without Judgment

Suspend judgment and defence mechanisms while your partner is speaking. Encourage your partner to use "I" statements to express their feelings without placing blame. This will help you to focus on their feelings and address their concerns without making them feel attacked.

Empathize with Your Partner

Put yourself in your partner's shoes and try to understand their perspective, even if it is different from your own. This can be challenging, especially if you feel the need to defend yourself. However, empathy is a powerful connector and will help you build a stronger bond with your partner.

Talk to a Therapist

If you need additional support, consider seeking guidance from a professional therapist. Couples therapy can also be a great option for partners wanting to create better communication habits.

Frequently asked questions