Wedding Night Intimacy: To Do Or Not To Do?

There is a lot of pressure on couples to have sex on their wedding night, but it's important to remember that this is not a requirement and it's completely normal for couples not to have sex on their wedding night. In fact, less than 40% of couples have sex on their wedding night, according to a 2018 survey. For some, it may be a priority, especially for those who are waiting until marriage for religious or personal reasons. However, it's important to manage expectations and be realistic, as real-life sex is often very different from what is depicted in films and TV shows. Couples should discuss their expectations and be open and honest about their feelings, as this can help alleviate anxiety and increase comfort. Ultimately, the decision to have sex on the wedding night is a personal one and depends on the preferences of the couple.

Discuss expectations

Discussing expectations is an important part of preparing for your wedding night. It may feel awkward or uncomfortable to talk about such intimate details, but it can help you and your partner get on the same page and ensure that you are both comfortable and prepared for the experience. Here are some things to consider when discussing your expectations:

Decide if sex will happen on the wedding night

Most couples assume they will have sex on their wedding night, but it is important to discuss this expectation with your partner. You may be physically and emotionally exhausted after the wedding, so it is okay to decide that you don't want to have sex right away. Consider your plans for the wedding day and night, including the timing of events, when you will arrive home, and if you are leaving for your honeymoon the next day. These factors can help you determine if having sex on your wedding night is realistic for you and your partner.

Create a comfortable environment

If you do plan on having sex, create a comfortable and romantic environment to help you relax and enhance your experience. Adjust the temperature and lighting to suit your preferences, and consider adding candles, rose petals, or music to set the mood.

Discuss your sexual history and expectations for your sex life

If one or both partners are not virgins, it is important to share this information with each other. You don't need to disclose all the details, but being open about your sexual history can help build trust and intimacy. Additionally, discuss your expectations for your sex life within your marriage. Talk about how often you expect to have sex, what you consider to be off-limits, and how you will handle differences in sex drive or other challenges that may arise.

Educate yourself and communicate

If one or both partners are losing their virginity on the wedding night, it is important to educate yourself about sexual anatomy, pleasure, and individual experiences. Communicate with your partner during the intimate act, expressing what you like and don't like. Go at a pace that feels comfortable for both of you, and remember that sex is a skill that can be improved with practice and open communication.

Talk about your sexual past

Talking about your sexual past with your partner can be a difficult and complex topic to broach. It is a personal choice, but many believe it is a good idea to discuss your past sexual experiences with your partner before marriage. Here are some reasons why:

Building Trust and Intimacy

Discussing your sexual history with your partner can help build trust and intimacy in your relationship. Being open and honest about your past experiences lays the foundation for a deeper connection and can lead to better sexual compatibility. It is important to note that the level of disclosure may vary depending on the nature of your relationship and your comfort level.

Understanding Each Other's Sexual Preferences

Talking about past relationships and sexual experiences can help both partners understand each other's sexual preferences, likes, and dislikes. This can lead to better sexual compatibility and a more fulfilling sex life.

Addressing Past Baggage

If there is any baggage from your past, such as a previous toxic relationship or sexual trauma, sharing this with your partner can help them understand you better and provide context for any triggers or sensitivities you may have. It also gives them an idea of what was missing in your past relationships and what baggage you may still be carrying.

Avoiding Retroactive Jealousy

Retroactive jealousy is a common issue, where one partner becomes jealous and obsessed with the other's past relationships. By being open and transparent about your past, you can avoid this issue and any potential damage it may cause to your relationship.

Medical and Sexual Health Disclosure

It is important to disclose any medical procedures or sexual health issues that may impact your sex life or fertility. This includes discussing past STDs, birth control preferences, and any sexual trauma that may have left you with triggers or sensitivities.

Timing and Approach

When discussing your sexual past, it is important to pick the right time and approach the conversation with sensitivity. Be clear, calm, and direct, and focus on creating a safe and non-judgmental space for both partners to share. Avoid asking statistical questions and instead, focus on open-ended questions that allow your partner to share their experiences and preferences.

Remember, it is okay to have a past, and your partner's reaction to your disclosure can be telling of their attitude and compatibility with you. If they respond with understanding and acceptance, it demonstrates their liberal attitude and respect for your past. On the other hand, if they act insecure or judgmental, it may be a sign of potential compatibility issues in the future.

Prepare practically

Practically preparing for your wedding night can be stressful, especially if you have a lot of expectations. Here are some tips to help you prepare:

Discuss your expectations

It's important to talk about what you both want from your wedding night. Be honest about your expectations and don't feel pressured to have sex if you're not up for it. You might be exhausted from the day, so it's worth considering a later start or earlier end to your wedding celebrations so you have the energy for intimacy.

Talk about your sexual history

If one or both of you are not virgins, it's important to share this with each other. You don't need to go into detail, but it's good to be open about any past sexual partners or experiences with pornography. This can help you address any issues that might come up and ensure you're both on the same page.

Learn about sex

If you're a virgin or less experienced, it can be helpful to learn more about sex before your wedding night. This might include reading books or articles, talking to a trusted older woman, or seeking advice from a pastor or counsellor. Understanding the physical and emotional aspects of sex can help you feel more prepared and comfortable.

Make practical preparations

Think about what you'll need for your wedding night. This could include water-based lube, a small washcloth, and a towel (especially if it's your first time). If you visualise a specific atmosphere, plan ahead—pack candles, music, lingerie, or anything else that will help set the mood.

Take care of yourself

In the lead-up to your wedding, prioritise self-care. Eat nutritious meals, drink plenty of water, and get enough sleep. Consider starting a skincare routine or seeing a dermatologist to feel your best. You might also want to practice good oral hygiene, ensuring you have fresh breath for your wedding night.

Plan for the morning after

Hang the "do not disturb" sign to avoid interruptions. You might also want to pack an overnight bag with essentials such as toiletries, a toothbrush, hairbrush, makeup remover, and a change of clothes for the next day.

Consider your partner's feelings

Considering your partner's feelings is a crucial aspect of deciding whether to make love on your wedding night. Open and honest communication about expectations, desires, and comfort levels is essential. Here are some factors to keep in mind:

• Discuss expectations and desires: Talk to your partner about their expectations and desires for the wedding night. Are they hoping for physical intimacy, or would they be content with simply falling asleep next to you? Understanding their perspective is key to making a decision that respects their feelings.
• Address any nerves or concerns: If your partner is feeling nervous or anxious about the wedding night, address those concerns together. Discuss any worries they may have, such as performance anxiety or physical discomfort. By talking through these issues beforehand, you can help alleviate their fears and create a more relaxed atmosphere.
• Consider their comfort level: Your partner may have personal boundaries or comfort levels when it comes to physical intimacy. Respect their limits and be willing to adjust your expectations if needed. Creating a safe and comfortable environment for them is essential.
• Acknowledge their priorities: Your partner may have different priorities for the wedding night. For example, they may want to prioritise rest after a long day of celebrations. Recognising and respecting their needs shows that you value their feelings and well-being.
• Be flexible and empathetic: Understand that your partner's feelings about the wedding night may evolve or change. Be flexible and adapt to their changing emotions. Empathise with their perspective, even if it differs from your own. This will help create a supportive and understanding dynamic between you.
• Create a supportive atmosphere: Encourage open dialogue about physical intimacy and be responsive to your partner's needs. Let them know that it's safe to express their feelings, desires, and concerns. Creating a supportive and non-judgmental atmosphere will help strengthen your bond and ensure that both your feelings are considered.

Remember, the decision to make love on your wedding night should be a mutual one, taking into account both your feelings and your partner's feelings. Through honest communication and empathy, you can ensure that your decision respects and honours your partner's emotions and comfort level.

Manage disappointment

Managing Disappointment

It's normal to feel disappointed if you didn't have sex on your wedding night, or if the experience didn't live up to your expectations. However, it's important to keep this in perspective and acknowledge all the other positive emotions you felt on your wedding day.

Communicate

Communication is key to managing disappointment. Share your feelings of disappointment with your partner in a respectful way. It's important to be open and honest, but also to avoid assigning blame. This will help your partner understand how to make you feel more comfortable in the future.

Re-evaluate your expectations

The idea that there "should" be amazing sex on a wedding night is outdated and can cause shame when it doesn't live up to expectations. It's important to recognise that this is a common experience and that you are not alone.

Take the pressure off

The pressure to have great sex can directly impact you or your partner's ability to participate in or enjoy physical intimacy. By expecting a fairytale scenario, you could be pushing yourself and your partner further away from meaningful and enjoyable sex.

Be realistic

If you're a virgin, your expectations about your first time may be skewed by glamorized depictions in movies and TV shows. Instead of anticipating a movie-worthy moment, expect a little bit of awkwardness and remember that real-life sex is often slower and more fumbling.

Focus on the positive

Just because your wedding night didn't go exactly as planned doesn't mean you didn't make priceless memories. You and your partner deserve some grace for navigating such an incredible life milestone.

Look forward

Remember that sex is a skill that can be honed and that you will become more familiar with what feels pleasurable through regular practice.

Frequently asked questions