Junior Rasmussen
The word obey in wedding vows has a long history, but today many couples choose to remove it. The inclusion of obey in wedding vows dates back centuries, with roots in the Church of England's Book of Common Prayer, published in 1549. Brides would traditionally vow to obey their husbands, reflecting societal norms and gender roles of the time. With the women's suffrage movement in the 1920s and ongoing shifts in societal attitudes, the word obey has fallen out of favour in modern wedding vows. Many couples now prefer to emphasise mutual love, respect, and equality in their vows, rather than obedience.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Obey removed from wedding vows | Love, honour, and cherish |
| Obey replaced with | Honour |
| Obey in wedding vows is | Unpopular, indicates a power dynamic, one partner being submissive to the other, or overly gendered messaging and wording |
| Obey in wedding vows | Symbolized the expectations of women to submit to their husbands, echoing attitudes prevalent in patriarchal societies |
| Obey removed from wedding vows | Reflects a growing understanding of gender equality and the desire for egalitarian relationships |
| Obey removed from wedding vows by | Princess Diana when she married Prince Charles in 1981 |
| Obey removed from wedding vows by religious organizations | The Catholic Church in the 1970s, The Episcopal Church in 1922 |
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What You'll Learn
History of the word obey in wedding vows
The word "obey" in wedding vows has been a topic of debate and has undergone a transformation over time, especially with changing gender dynamics and the women's suffragist movement.
The word "obey" in wedding vows originates from centuries-old Christian beliefs and social rules. In the Judeo-Christian tradition, it was once customary for a woman to vow to "obey" her husband during their wedding ceremony. This tradition can be traced back to ancient Rome, where women were considered the property of their fathers and later their husbands. With the spread of Christianity, this social rule travelled from Rome to other parts of Europe, maintaining its status quo from the Middle Ages until the women's suffragist movement in the 1920s.
The inclusion of "obey" in wedding vows is often associated with specific biblical passages, such as Ephesians 5:21-24, which states, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the saviour." Similarly, Colossians 3:18 says, "Wives, submit to your husbands," indicating a placement of wives under their husband's authority.
However, the word "obey" has gradually been removed from most wedding vows due to its negative connotations and the evolving cultural landscape. The shift began with the women's suffragist movement in the 1920s, and by 1922, the Episcopal Church voted to remove "obey" from the bride's section of the vows. The Church of England, which introduced the word in 1549, also offered an alternative to the biased vow in the same year, suggesting that couples could instead choose to "love and cherish" each other.
Today, the word "obey" is rarely included in modern wedding vows. Couples now often prefer to emphasise mutual love, respect, and equality in their marriage promises.
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Reasons for removing it
The word "obey" in wedding vows has been questioned and removed by many couples over the years. Here are several reasons why:
Historical Context and Shifting Societal Norms
The word "obey" in wedding vows has a long history, dating back centuries and reflecting societal norms and gender roles of the time. In the past, particularly in patriarchal societies, women were expected to submit to their husbands, and this dynamic was often mirrored in religious teachings and traditional wedding vows. However, as societal attitudes evolved, especially with the women's suffrage movement in the 1920s, traditional ideas about gender roles and marriage began to be challenged.
Equality and Mutual Respect in Marriage
Today, many couples view marriage as an equal partnership based on mutual love, respect, and support rather than a hierarchical relationship. The removal of "obey" reflects a growing understanding of gender equality and the desire for egalitarian relationships. Both spouses are expected to support and love one another, and traditional phrases like "love, honor, and cherish" have taken precedence over "obey."
Power Dynamics and Intimacy
The word "obey" in wedding vows indicates a clear power dynamic between spouses, placing the husband in a dominant role and the wife in a submissive one. This dynamic is often seen as contradictory to the concept of intimacy and oneness in a marriage. By removing "obey," couples create a safe space for equality, trust, and mutual surrender, fostering a deeper connection and friendship.
Personalization and Individual Expression
In recent years, many couples have opted for personalized wedding vows that allow for more individual expression. These modern vows often include promises that resonate more personally than traditional vows, reflecting each couple's unique beliefs and values. The removal of "obey" gives way to a more inclusive, non-gendered language that emphasizes equality and mutual commitment.
Religious Reforms and Modernization
During the 1970s, major changes occurred within religious institutions, such as the Catholic Church, which dropped the word "obey" from its wedding vows. These reforms aimed to emphasize mutual love and respect in marriage, aligning with more modern views. The Second Vatican Council, for instance, led to a new rite of marriage that celebrated companionship and cooperation rather than hierarchy.
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Alternatives to the word obey
The word "obey" in wedding vows has become increasingly unpopular, with many couples choosing to omit it from their ceremonies. This is especially true for couples who believe in equality in marriage and find the word "obey" to suggest a power dynamic or male hierarchy in the relationship.
If you are looking for alternatives to the word "obey" in your wedding vows, here are some suggestions:
- "Love and cherish": This alternative became popular during the Women's Suffrage movement in the 1920s as a way to replace "obey" with something that emphasised mutual affection and commitment without the implication of subservience.
- "Honour": This alternative still conveys a sense of respect and commitment without the same power dynamics as "obey".
- "Serve": While this option may still imply a certain level of service to one's spouse, it can be seen as a mutual act of serving each other's needs and well-being.
- "Yield": This alternative suggests a mutual willingness to compromise and adapt to one another's needs and preferences.
Remember, your wedding vows should feel natural to you and your partner. You can make them unique and memorable by choosing words that reflect your beliefs and values.
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Religious organisations that have removed it
The word "obey" in wedding vows has been removed by several religious organisations over the years, reflecting changing societal norms and a growing understanding of gender equality. Here are some examples:
The Catholic Church
The Catholic Church is one of the religious institutions that has revised its wedding vows to remove the word "obey." This change occurred in the 1970s, influenced by the Second Vatican Council, which emphasised mutual love and respect in marriage. The removal of "obey" from the bride's vows recognised the evolving understanding of marriage as an equal partnership, where both spouses support and love each other.
The Church of England
The Church of England is another denomination that has updated its wedding vows. While the word "obey" was historically included in the Book of Common Prayer, published in 1549, it is no longer a mandatory part of the vows. Princess Diana is believed to have been the first royal bride to omit "obey" from her wedding vows when she married Prince Charles in 1981. Today, couples marrying in the Church of England have more flexibility to personalise their vows and reflect their values.
Lutheran Church
The Lutheran Church has also shown flexibility regarding the inclusion of "obey" in wedding vows. While it is not clear if there has been an official removal, individual Lutheran couples have shared their experiences of omitting "obey" from their vows without issue. One person shared that their Lutheran/Catholic wedding 28 years ago replaced "obey" with "honour".
Other Christian Denominations
In addition to the Catholic Church, the Church of England, and the Lutheran Church, other Christian denominations have also moved away from the traditional use of "obey" in wedding vows. Couples from various Christian backgrounds have shared their experiences of customising their vows to reflect their beliefs and values. Some have opted for non-traditional vows that exclude not only "obey" but also any mention of God, indicating a desire for more secular ceremonies.
The shift away from "obey" in wedding vows reflects a broader change in societal attitudes and a rejection of the patriarchal expectations of women's submission to their husbands. These changes in religious organisations' wedding vows demonstrate an effort to align with modern perspectives on marriage as an egalitarian union.
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Personalised wedding vows
The wedding vows exchanged by a couple are a significant part of the wedding ceremony, as they are a declaration of love and commitment to one another. While some couples may opt for traditional wedding vows, others may choose to write personalised vows to make the ceremony more intimate and meaningful.
The traditional wedding vow, "to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and obey, till death do us part", has been criticised for its implication of female subservience to their husbands. As such, many couples have chosen to omit the word "obey" from their vows, with some brides opting to replace it with words such as "'honour' or 'cherish'.
> "I, [name], take you, [partner's name], to be my husband. When you need a friend, I will be your best friend. When you need help, I will be there for you. When you need care, I will support you."
> "I promise to never take you for granted and to love and cherish every single day that I have with you. Together we will walk into the future side by side as partners, lovers, best friends, and as husband and wife."
> "I promise to never make those terrible cliché jokes about 'the ol' ball and chain', because I will always see you as the one who frees me, and never as a prison. I promise to feign offence every time you rip one, even though we both know it's really funny, because I know how much it makes you laugh."
> "I'm watching my favourite movies on repeat (Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings), rereading David Eddings for the billionth time, and failing my knitting tutorials on YouTube. Instead, I've found myself at a wedding, and weirder… it's mine. That risky move to download a dating app ended up with me winning the lotto – because somehow I managed to snag you."
When writing personalised wedding vows, it is important to consider the length and tone of the vows, as well as any specific promises or commitments that are important to the couple. It is also a good idea to speak with the officiant conducting the ceremony to ensure that any personalised vows are aligned with the requirements of the specific wedding tradition or religion.
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Frequently asked questions
The word "obey" in wedding vows dates back to centuries ago and symbolized the expectation of women to submit to their husbands. Removing it reflects a growing understanding of gender equality and the desire for egalitarian relationships.
Alternatives to the word "obey" in wedding vows include love, honor, serve, keep, cherish, and submit.
A traditional wedding vow from the Church of England that includes the word "obey" is: "WILT thou have this man to thy wedded husband, to live together after God’s ordinance in the holy estate of Matrimony? Wilt thou obey him, and serve him, love, honour, and keep him, in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all other, keep thee only unto him, so long as ye both shall live?".
If you want to remove the word "obey" from your wedding vows, have a conversation with your officiant and your partner about the message you want to convey and how to express yourselves as equal partners.
Yes, it is common to remove the word "obey" from wedding vows. The practice began during the Women's Suffrage movement in the 1920s and has gained popularity in recent years.
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