George Boyle
Picking your bridesmaids can be a tricky task. You want to ensure that you have your nearest and dearest by your side, but you also don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. It's a difficult decision to make, and it can be stressful, but there are some things you can consider to help you choose. Firstly, think about your relationship with each person. Are they supportive? Will they be there for you after the wedding? Are they positive about your relationship? It's also worth considering other roles for friends who don't make the cut – like reading a poem, singing a song, or being an usher. Be honest and upfront about your choices, and remember, it's your day, so go with your gut!
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Time of Decision | It's not a quick decision. Give yourself a few months to meditate on your choice. |
| Number of Bridesmaids | There is no definitive answer. Traditionally, four is the most common number, but you can choose however many bridesmaids you’d like. |
| Family Members | Family members are a great option. They’ve known you longer than any friends and are likely to remain in your life long-term. |
| Relationship With the Person | Consider your future with the members of the wedding party. Ask yourself if they are going to still be in your life in the future. |
| Responsibility | Make sure they’re ready for the responsibility. Choose people you can trust with whatever level of responsibility the role entails. |
| Reciprocation | Don't feel obligated to ask someone to be a bridesmaid just because you were a bridesmaid in their wedding. |
| Gender Norms | You don’t have to split the wedding party along gender lines. Feel free to call your friend a “best woman” or a brother a “man of honor.” |
| Size of the Wedding Party | For smaller weddings, you may not want a wedding party that makes up a large proportion of the total attendants. |
| Inter-Party Dynamics | Consider the different personalities of the bridesmaids and groomsmen and how they get along with one another. |
| Honesty | Being honest is the best policy. If you are worried your decisions may hurt someone's feelings, it's best to be upfront and explain the situation. |
What You'll Learn
Consider the friendship
When it comes to choosing bridesmaids, it's important to consider your friendship with each candidate. Here are some detailed thoughts on this:
Longevity of Friendship
It's worth considering how long you've been friends with each person you're thinking of asking to be a bridesmaid. While it's not always the case, those who have known you the longest are often the ones who will remain in your life long-term. However, it's also important to reflect on whether you've grown apart from certain friends over the years. Just because someone was once a close friend doesn't mean they still are or that they will be in the future. It's also worth asking yourself if you can imagine your life without them and if you'll still be friends in 5, 10, or 20 years.
Quality of Friendship
When considering each friend, ask yourself: are they supportive? Will they be there for you even after the wedding to encourage and support you? Are they a positive influence? Do they get along with your partner? Are they dependable? Are they a good listener? Do they bring good vibes and provide emotional support when needed? You can also consider whether they have been there for you in the past when you needed help.
Reciprocity
If someone has asked you to be their bridesmaid, you might feel obligated to ask them to be yours. However, it's important to remember that you don't have to choose someone just because they chose you. Consider whether you value your relationship with them and if they are likely to remain an important part of your life in the future.
Honesty
If you're worried about hurting someone's feelings, being honest and upfront about the situation can help. Explain your feelings and the reasons behind your choices. Most people will understand and just want you to have a magical wedding day.
Other Roles
If you're concerned about leaving certain friends out, you can give them other roles on your wedding day. Asking them to fulfil a different task will help them feel valued, trusted, and included. For example, you could ask them to read a passage or poem during the ceremony, sing a song, play an instrument, help with decorations, oversee the guest book, or run a photo booth.
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Think about other roles for other friends
One of the best ways to avoid hurting feelings when choosing your bridesmaids is to give other friends other roles on your wedding day. By asking them to fulfil a task, they will feel valued and trusted. It gives them something more to do than just being a guest and is a perfect way to include everyone without having a huge bridal party.
- Ask them to read a passage, poem or story during the ceremony.
- Get them to make the wedding cake.
- Ask them to sing a song or play an instrument during the ceremony.
- Ask them to sit with your family.
- Get them to help decorate the church and/or reception venue.
- Ask them to oversee the guestbook.
- Get them to pass out programs to guests.
- Ask them to watch over the ring bearer and flower girls during the ceremony.
- Ask them to be a liaison to the photographer.
- Get them to run a photo booth at the reception.
- Include them in a girls-only dance at the reception.
- Ask them to help put together floral arrangements.
- Include photos of them.
- Mention them in a toast.
- Ask them to plan and/or provide transportation.
- Ask them to be a witness on the marriage certificate.
- Ask them to be a lady-in-waiting to run errands on the day.
Remember to hand out tasks that work with each person's strengths. Don't give them a job they'll hate or that will just make things worse.
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Be honest
Being honest is a great way to approach the tricky situation of choosing bridesmaids without hurting anyone's feelings. Here are some tips on how to be honest and navigate this challenging task:
Firstly, it's important to be honest with yourself about who you truly want in your bridal party. Ask yourself, "Who are the people I can depend on and who will support me not only on my wedding day but also in the future?". Consider the friends who have been there for you through thick and thin, and who you can see yourself remaining close with in the long run. These are the people who should be at the top of your list. It's also a good idea to reflect on your relationship with each individual and assess their dependability, the longevity of your friendship, and how supportive they are.
If you're worried about hurting someone's feelings, explain your reasoning honestly and kindly. Let them know that you value their friendship and that your decision doesn't reflect how much you care about them. For example, you could say something like, "I really value our friendship, and I want you to be a part of my special day, but I also want you to be able to relax and enjoy it without the added responsibilities of being a bridesmaid." Being honest about your reasons can help them understand your perspective and may even strengthen your bond.
It's important to be clear about the responsibilities and expectations of being a bridesmaid. If you know that being a bridesmaid will require a significant time or financial commitment, be upfront about it. That way, your friends can make an informed decision about whether they can take on the role. This also gives them an 'out' if they feel they can't commit, which can help ease any tension.
If you're struggling with how to communicate your choices, be direct and honest. You could say something like, "I want to be honest with you. I would be honoured to have you as a bridesmaid, but I understand if the commitment is too much. I want to respect your time and resources, and I want us to continue being great friends outside of this context." Being direct and honest shows that you respect your friends and value their time and contributions.
If you want to include certain friends but can't have them all as bridesmaids, be honest about your limitations and offer them alternative roles. Explain that you still want them to be involved and feel valued, and suggest other ways they can participate. For example, you could ask them to do a reading during the ceremony, be a witness on the marriage certificate, help with decorations, or be part of the bridal shower and bachelorette party planning.
Remember, it's your wedding, and you should choose the people who will support and uplift you. Being honest and direct is a respectful way to navigate this situation, and it can help ensure that your wedding planning process is filled with love and understanding.
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Don't feel pressured by gender norms
It's your wedding, and you should feel free to ask whoever you want to be a part of your wedding party. Don't feel pressured to conform to gender norms. Plenty of men have female best friends, and women have male best friends or brothers they are closer to than anyone else. You don't have to split your wedding party down gender lines. You can call your sister a "best woman" or your friend a "man of honour". It can even make the wedding outfits more unique if a member of your wedding party wears a dress that matches the groom's suit instead of another tuxedo.
If you have a male friend or brother who you want to be a part of your wedding party, don't hesitate to ask them. They can be a "bridesman" or a "bridesperson". Close male or non-binary friends should also be in the running to be a part of your wedding party.
If you're worried about how your photos will look with an uneven wedding party, talk to your wedding photographer.
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Ask those you can depend on
Picking your bridesmaids can be a stressful experience, but it's important to remember that it's your wedding, and you should choose whoever you want to be a part of it. If you're worried about offending people who aren't chosen, there are a few things to keep in mind.
First, consider choosing those you can depend on. Ask yourself, "who would I call in the middle of the night to help me move a dead body?" These are the people who will be there for you through thick and thin, and they should definitely be on your shortlist for bridesmaids. It's also a good idea to think about your future with each potential bridesmaid. Do you see them as a long-term friend? Will they still be in your life in 5, 10, or 20 years? If the answer is yes, then they are likely a good choice for your bridal party.
Another factor to consider is the level of responsibility you want your bridesmaids to have. If you're expecting them to take on a lot of tasks and provide emotional support, make sure to choose people who are reliable and have the bandwidth to help. On the other hand, if you're not expecting your bridesmaids to be too involved, you have more flexibility in your choices.
Remember, it's your special day, and you should be surrounded by people who love and support you. Don't feel pressured to choose someone just because you were in their wedding or because they are expecting to be asked. It's okay to politely decline and explain that you want to keep the bridal party small. Most people will understand and won't take it personally.
If you're still struggling, consider giving other roles to those who aren't chosen as bridesmaids, such as reading a poem at the ceremony or helping with wedding decorations. This way, they can still feel involved and valued without being official bridesmaids.
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Frequently asked questions
It's impossible not to hurt anyone's feelings, but you can minimise the damage by being honest and upfront about your decision. Explain that it was a difficult choice and that you only have a limited number of spots. You could also suggest other ways for them to be involved in the day, like reading a poem at the ceremony or MCing the reception.
It's common to choose family members as your bridesmaids, especially if you've known them a long time and they're likely to remain in your life long-term. However, if you have a big family, you might want to limit the number of siblings in your bridal party or only choose those closest in age to you.
If you have a big group of close friends, you might want to consider choosing a small number of bridesmaids to avoid hurting too many feelings. Alternatively, you could include them all, especially if they can afford their own dresses and accessories. You could also suggest other roles for them, like helping to decorate the church or overseeing the guest book.
Your bridal party should be made up of people you feel closest to, not just acquaintances. You don't need to feel afraid of hurting the feelings of someone you're not close to – they're grown-ups and can handle it.
That's totally fine! Many brides are now choosing to have no bridesmaids and simply enjoying the traditional bridesmaids' activities with a group of girlfriends. This is a great way to make sure no one feels left out.
