Enhancing Intimacy: Sex After The Wedding

Sex after marriage can be complicated, but it doesn't have to be. While the frequency of sex might reduce, it can become more pleasurable and fulfilling. The key to a healthy sex life is communication. Talk to your partner about what you like, how much sex you want to have, and how and where you like to do it. Be open and honest about your desires and expectations. It's also important to focus on your own sexual health and well-being, and to make time for intimacy and connection. Scheduling sex or date nights can help ensure that you're prioritising your sex life. Experimenting with new things, such as toys or role-playing, can also keep things exciting. Remember, there is no one-size-fits-all definition of a healthy sex life. What matters most is that you and your partner are happy and satisfied.

Discuss fantasies and expectations

Discussing fantasies and expectations with your partner is a crucial aspect of cultivating a fulfilling sex life after marriage. Here are some insights and suggestions to navigate this topic effectively:

Understanding Fantasies and Expectations

Before delving into a discussion about fantasies, it's essential to recognise that sexual fantasies vary from person to person. What turns one person on may not necessarily apply to their partner, and that's perfectly normal. Understanding and accepting this diversity is a crucial first step. By suspending judgment of yourself and your partner, you create a safe space to explore and share your desires.

Communicating Openly

Open and honest communication is vital when discussing fantasies and expectations. Start by figuring out your own fantasies and what turns you on. This self-exploration can involve reading erotic literature, watching porn or instructional videos, listening to sex-positive podcasts, or experimenting with different forms of erotic media. Once you have a better understanding of your own desires, initiate a conversation with your partner. Share your thoughts, fears, and curiosities, and encourage them to do the same. This dialogue will help you both become more comfortable with the topic and create a judgment-free space between you.

Exploring Different Avenues

There are various ways to approach this discussion and explore each other's fantasies. You can create a shared digital space, such as a Google Doc or a Tumblr blog, where you can anonymously share your fantasies and desires. Alternatively, you can use platforms like Pinterest or Kik to exchange images, messages, and fantasies in a more discreet manner. These platforms can serve as a fun and exciting way to learn more about each other's sexual interests.

Sharing Sexual Histories

Discussing your sexual histories and past experiences can also be enlightening. Be open about your previous relationships, your level of sexual exploration before marriage, and any fantasies you may have been unable to fulfil. This conversation can help you understand each other's perspectives and create a deeper connection.

Addressing Discomfort and Fears

It's normal to feel hesitant or nervous about sharing certain fantasies. Some fantasies may seem unconventional or challenging to fulfil, but it's important to remember that communication and mutual understanding are key. If you or your partner has reservations about a particular fantasy, discuss why. By talking through these concerns, you may find that some fantasies are more achievable or adaptable than you initially thought.

Prioritising Each Other's Needs

When discussing fantasies and expectations, it's crucial to prioritise each other's needs and comfort levels. Be respectful of any boundaries that arise and work together to find common ground. Remember, the goal is to enhance your sexual connection and create a safe space where you can both explore and enjoy your sexuality.

Keeping an Open Mind

Approach this discussion with an open mind and a sense of adventure. Be willing to step out of your comfort zone and try new things, even if they seem unfamiliar or intimidating at first. You may be surprised by how much you and your partner enjoy something you hadn't considered before.

Remember, the key to successful sexual intimacy after marriage is honest and open communication. By creating a safe and non-judgmental space to share your fantasies and expectations, you'll be able to enhance your sexual connection and explore a fulfilling sex life together.

Make time for foreplay

Foreplay is an essential aspect of sex, so don't skip it! It's all about building an eagerness hours or even days before sex actually takes place. A love note, a touch, a kiss, a look, a tone of voice, certain words, or even a text can be foreplay. It's about creating and maintaining an intimate connection with your partner.

• Be playful and tender: Foreplay is about building an eagerness for sex, so be playful and tender with your partner. This can be done with clothes on or off!
• Broaden your perspective: Foreplay isn't just what happens in the 15 minutes before intercourse. It can be hours or even days before the main event.
• Build anticipation: Get good at building anticipation—think of it like the thrill of a rollercoaster slowly climbing up that steep incline. Try sexting (without sending photos) or leaving a love note for your partner.
• Set the mood: Create a favourable atmosphere for sexual activity. This could include picking up the house, putting the kids to bed early, or putting fresh sheets on the bed.
• Be explicit: Your partner can't read your mind, so be explicit about what you want. Educate each other on the type of foreplay you like best.
• Relax: Foreplay is all about connection, so try to relax and be present in the moment. Take a bath, add some oils, and unwind. Condition your hair, shave, moisturise, and do whatever you need to make yourself feel your best!
• Take your time: Women need about 20 minutes to warm up on an average day, so don't rush it. Explore each other's bodies and have fun!
• Experiment: Your wedding night can be a fun night to experiment and be more adventurous. It's the start of a new chapter in your lives, so why shouldn't your sex life follow suit?

Exercise together

Couples who sweat together, stay together! Research has shown that challenging physical activities spark arousal and you will be more attracted to your partner post-workout. So, grab your partner and get moving with these exercises to improve your sex life:

Get your hips moving

Healthy hips have the ability to move smoothly in and out of a thrust. The glute bridge is a form of hip thrust that helps increase strength and is great for building an impressive set of cheeks – aesthetically and practically. Lie on the floor, bring your heels up towards your butt, then thrust your hips up from the floor and squeeze your glutes. Repeat until you’re tired.

Strengthen your lower back

Bend gently at the knees, then hinge forward at the hips, pushing your bottom back – as if you’re trying to make your bum as big as possible. This is a hip-hinge movement and has monumental benefits in bed. You’re stretching your hamstrings and glutes, and keeping your upper and lower body relatively still. Learning how to move your hips in this position is really good for sexual technique and strengthens your buttocks.

Move around on the floor

This move improves hip and lower-body mobility, and with good hip flexibility, you are less likely to cramp up while having fun in bed. Before you flop on the sofa, sit on the floor. You will naturally move your body in ways that you otherwise wouldn't, and this fluency of movement will benefit you in the bedroom.

Do the downward dog

This yoga pose improves spinal flexion and extension, giving you body confidence, which can be extremely sexy. It’s also great for increasing strength in your wrists, shoulders, and elbows, preparing you for any compromising position you find yourself in.

Get your steps in

Walking is a simple and effective way to improve cardiovascular fitness. No one wants a partner who can’t last longer in bed than a minute, so get your steps in!

Prioritise sex

Sex is a special and intimate time for couples to bond and connect. However, distractions like work, kids, and other activities can get in the way, causing a decline in sexual intimacy. To make sex a priority in your marriage, consider the following:

Create a ritual around affection

The simple act of hugging your partner for 5-10 seconds can release oxytocin, the bonding chemical that makes you feel close to your partner. Commit to doing this at least twice a day. Increasing non-sexual touch can spark sexual desire, but be careful not to make your partner feel that affection is only shown as a precursor to sex.

Make intimacy and sex goals

As a couple, set "intimacy and sex goals" or "sexual relationship goals". Discuss how you can enhance your connection, maximise pleasure, and satisfy each other's needs. Include daily and weekly goals for kissing, hugging, affection, and foreplay. Talk about what makes you feel close and emotionally fulfilled.

Explore each other's fantasies

It can be challenging for couples to keep things interesting in the bedroom, especially if they are reluctant to share their sexual fantasies. Start with small details and ask what your partner likes, incorporating their needs with yours. Create a safe, non-judgmental space for them to share their desires. Even just talking about a fantasy can bring pleasure.

Schedule sex

While it may seem unromantic, scheduling sex can help ensure that it happens. Take out your calendars and find a day each week to connect sexually. You wouldn't cancel an important appointment, so treat your sexual time with the same respect.

Break out of your comfort zone

If you tend to make love in the same place, at the same time, and in the same position, try something different. Get out from under the covers, leave the lights on, and try a new position that you both agree on. Having conversations about what you'd like to try can help spice things up and lead to a deeper connection.

Take turns initiating

In most marriages, there is one spouse who initiates (high desire) and one who is pursued (low desire). Taking turns initiating sex can help you understand each other's sexual desires and empower you to share your likes and wants.

Seek professional help if needed

While sex after marriage is a topic that is often shrouded in taboo, it is important to remember that seeking professional help is a healthy and valid option. Sexual dysfunction (SD) can arise from a multitude of factors, including societal and religious beliefs, health status, personal experiences, ethnicity, and sociodemographic conditions.

If you are experiencing difficulties in your sexual relationship, it may be beneficial to consult a therapist or counsellor specialising in this area. These professionals can provide guidance and support tailored to your specific circumstances. They can help you address any concerns or anxieties you may have and work with you to improve your sexual relationship.

For example, if you are experiencing issues with sexual performance or satisfaction, a therapist can provide education and techniques to enhance your experience. This may include guidance on sexual techniques, communication, and exploring your desires and boundaries.

Additionally, if there are underlying psychological or emotional factors contributing to the issue, a therapist can help you address these concerns. This may involve exploring your beliefs, attitudes, and experiences related to sex and intimacy. They can also assist in improving communication and intimacy within your relationship.

In some cases, sexual dysfunction may be related to physical or medical conditions. A therapist can help you understand these connections and refer you to the appropriate medical specialist for further assessment and treatment.

It is important to remember that seeking professional help does not mean there is something wrong with you or your relationship. It demonstrates your commitment to improving your sexual relationship and overall well-being.

Frequently asked questions